Lust Or Love? How To Know If It’s Just A Rebound Or Something Real

rebound or real

But in the rebound relationship, one person asking for more becomes a wake-up call to the other person’s true motives.

 

 

Not everyone realizes that s/he is being used by someone on the rebound. And that recognition of unrequited love can be humiliating and deeply painful.

So how do you know if your new relationship is the real thing or just a rebound destined to fail?

It’s natural to struggle with how to be in a relationship after a breakup. If you haven’t done the full grief work to heal from your divorce or breakup, you may not be ready to pursue a serious relationship.

Likewise, if you haven’t braved the self-examination that reveals your personal accountability for your breakup, any new relationship will likely be short-lived. Relationships, after all, never succeed because of just one person. They also never fail because of just one person.

 

 

If you go into a new relationship with a “victim” mentality, your personal work isn’t done. And it will be unfair to place onto a new partner the responsibility of being better than the ex you can’t forgive…or forget.

If you are truly over your ex, you will be able to feel joy in your new relationship even when your partner isn’t around. And, just as importantly, your thoughts won’t turn to your ex.

You also won’t be comparing your new partner to your ex because you will feel an authentic connection with your new partner. You will both want more than a rebound relationship and will be willing to wait for one another if necessary.

When a relationship is a real thing, opening your heart feels natural and safe. There is mutual openness and mutual acceptance, no matter what is shared.

This emotional availability isn’t present in a rebound relationship. It’s too risky. And rebound relationships are all about avoiding emotional risk.

Perhaps the most telling difference between a rebound relationship and the real thing is the underlying motivation of the heart.

If you are on the rebound, your goal is to make yourself feel better. The relationship is about what you get, not what you give. And when you stop getting what you need (or when your partner wants more), the relationship ends.

 

When a relationship is a real thing, however, the need to feel loved has matured into a yearning to love. And that love opens the heart to give.


Written by Dr. Karen Finn
Originally appeared in Dr. Karen Finn

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