What if your partner is a potential cheater and you are just not aware of it?
How to identify a potential cheater?
This 20-question Infidelity IQ quiz reveals if he’s a cheater-in-waiting.
Quizzes are fun, but what do they really tell you? This one reveals the dangers to which many of us subject our primary love relationships — and the denial that goes with the territory.
Take it together or separately. Dare to discuss. You will surely know whether your partner is potential cheater or not.
Read what Pat has learned from the couples she’s seen.
YT: Pat, How did you create this quiz?
PL: I developed it from research and clinical observation over 25 years of couples work.
Building on Salvador Minuchin’s model of structural family therapy, which delineated subgroups within the family (e.g., spousal, parental, sibling), I assigned roles, rules, and functions to each of the subgroups.
The spousal unit consists of two adults meeting their adult needs, both physical and emotional.
YT: How do you use it?
PL: The purpose is to get individuals to identify for each other the expectations of the contract of the relationship. It’s easy to assume that your partner has the same expectations as you.
The infidelity IQ quiz has a high “squirm factor,” meaning that I might think it’s OK to have private, ongoing conversations with an attractive guy, but I sure don’t want my partner doing the same with an attractive woman. The quiz can raise “red flags.”
It also has a way of breaking through denial. I worked with a couple in which the man had a “friendship” with another woman that felt threatening to his partner.
She had a difficult time getting him to understand how a non-sexual relationship could be a threat, and it was only when he reacted so strongly to the idea of moving away from the friendship that he realized how very attached he’d become to the other woman.
A primary love relationship is about being lovers, best friends, confidants, and financial and social partners. Sharing these roles with a third person drains the energy and dilutes the intimacy of that primary bond.
YT: Have you been surprised at what people see as “acceptable” behavior outside the committed relationship?
PL: Yes. At times I will look at their responses and think, “You don’t really believe that is OK, do you?” It explains why the infidelity rate is so high.
YT: Do you often find an imbalance between the way subjects see their own behavior vs. that of their partners?
PL: You bet. A common response is “I know my motivation and commitment to my relationship, therefore I know that spending time with an attractive friend is not a threat to it, but I don’t know if my partner knows where to draw the line.”
In other words, I trust myself but I don’t trust him/her.
YT: Is it enough for couples to agree on the parameters of acceptable behavior, or should they avoid certain kinds of interaction outside the relationship altogether?
PL: I think they should avoid certain kinds of interaction altogether. Infatuation is an altered state of consciousness. When you are under its influence, you cannot think rationally.
The Cheat Sheet: The following items represent beliefs about the expectations and appropriate behavior related to marriage and/or a serious committed love relationship.
Find out: Is he a potential cheater?
For each statement, indicate whether you believe it is acceptable (A) or unacceptable (U) behavior.
(Note: When the term “attractive” is used, it implies that you are attracted to this person and/or the person is attracted to you.)
(A U) 1. Having attractive friends outside the marriage/relationship.
(A U) 2. Socializing frequently without your partner.
(A U) 3. Frequently sharing the most important part of your day with another person.
(A U) 4. Sharing a hobby or pastime with an attractive person.
(A U) 5. Spending private time with an attractive friend or colleague.
(A U) 6. Showing non-sexual physical affection to an attractive friend.
(A U) 7. Greeting an attractive friend with a kiss.
(A U) 8. Spending time with people who do not like your partner.
(A U) 9. Talking about your private relationship issues with others.
(A U) 10. Having private email relationships of a flirtatious nature.
(A U) 11. Flirting with other people.