How to Tell Which Attractions Lead to Love and Which Lead to Pain

Not all the attractions you experience in your life will lead to love; you need to understand which one is the real deal.

This is the way we have been taught to understand our attractions: You’re either attracted to someone right now, or you won’t ever be.

For example, Ann was attracted to guys who were somewhat arrogant, but she didn’t appreciate being treated disrespectfully by anyone—least of all by her boyfriend! Still, cocky guys turned her on in a visceral way, and nice guys just didn’t.

She really wanted a husband and family, but the people she was attracted to weren’t marriage material, and the ones who were marriage material didn’t excite her.

If you relate to Ann’s predicament, you certainly are not alone.

All of us are attracted to certain types that can knock us off balance: a physical type, an emotional type, and a personality type.

These iconic attractions can make us weak in the knees, and they trigger our insecurities, as well as our longings. We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner’s love, approval, or care. These are what I call “attractions of deprivation.”

With some attractions of deprivation, we see the red flags early on but can’t stop ourselves. With others, the upsetting aspects of the relationship don’t reveal themselves right away.

Soon enough, however, these less-than-positive qualities become obvious, whether your partner is lying, cheating, unavailable to you in times of need, overly critical, selfish, or—in the worst cases—addicted to substances or in the grip of a psychological disorder.

Related: Is Your Woundedness Attracting People Who Are Unhealthy For You?

If these attractions are so painful, why isn’t it easier for us to break free of them?

One reason is that attractions of deprivation are what behavioral theorists call “intermittent reward systems.” In these systems, you get rewarded only sporadically and you can’t control when the reward will come.

Intermittent reward systems are some of the most compelling forms of reinforcement and among the hardest to break free of. Gambling is a perfect example.

Attractions of deprivation are also among the trickiest ways to flee real intimacy.

In these relationships, our fear of intimacy is hiding in plain sight. We’re desperately seeking a solid love—from someone who we know, deep down, won’t give it to us.

With an attraction of deprivation, in some odd way, we are safe. I’ve found that the people most drawn to attractions of deprivation experience discomfort, fear, unworthiness, or anger when they are confronted with a kind, stable, and available partner.

The more we are drawn to attractions of deprivation, the less we will feel comfortable with available and caring people. Attractions of deprivation are frequently birthed by our fear of our own power and, oftentimes, our fear of love. At the bottom, they are distractions from the scariest things of all: the challenge of our gifts in our lives.

The great secret to lasting love lies in learning the difference between your “attractions of deprivation” and your “attractions of inspiration.”

Then only follow your attractions of inspiration. This method sounds so simple, yet it takes decades for most of us to arrive at this truth if we ever do at all.