To The Friend I Lost to Suicide
“How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all Is better than the life that you had How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go How do you get that lonely… and nobody knows.” – Blaine Larsen
The only thing I continue to think, are the details of your final moments. Was there anything different about you, the last time I saw you? Was there anything you said? Was there a different tone to your voice?
I should have seen something. I should have been the one to save you.
It’s only after the fact, do we connect the dots that we didn’t want to see were there.
What if I called more? What if I talked less and listened more? What if I did something different.
“Oh why, that’s what I keep asking Was there anything I could’ve Said or done oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul,” -Rascal Flatts
These thoughts consume me as a reach for a phone, I know you won’t answer, but how I wish you still were on the receiving end. I lay awake at night missing you.
You meet me in my dreams and I want to tell you the world wasn’t the bad place you thought it was.
I wonder when you made that decision? I wonder if anyone could have convinced you to stay?
I think some people are just too fragile for this world we live in. You brought light to everyone who knew you, I didn’t know at the time, the reason you appeared to shine so bright on the outside, was to mask the pain and darkness you felt within you.
“You must have been in a Place so dark You couldn’t feel the light Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud. Now we are gathered in our little hometown. This couldn’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd,” -Rascal Flatts
I can’t imagine what your nights were like. I can only guess it was a tug of war of failing to understand why you were different. I’m sure you just wanted to be happy. I’m sure you were looking for an escape. I wish someone told you… I wish I could have told you suicide doesn’t end your pain, but it passes it on to someone else.
I don’t know what drove you to the place where you thought the end was the only solution.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I wish you were here. There are moments where I think of you and I think, damn, you would have loved it now. Because life does get better. I wish you could have hung around to see that.
Of the things that hurt me most are those things, you’ll never get to experience.
I miss hearing your voice. I miss telling you things. I miss just hanging out with you. I miss you.
I wish I could have wrapped my arms around you, and put back together with the broken pieces, that made who you were.
Because everyone knows the people who are broken, are always the most beautiful.
I can keep questioning what if in my mind, but it’ll drive me mad.