8 Tips For Co-Parenting With An Ex You Detest

 / 

,
tips for co parenting

โ€œCo-parenting is not a competition between two homes. It is a collaboration of parents who are doing what is best for the children.โ€ – Unknown

Key Points:

Co parenting is an arrangement after divorce in which both parents participate in their children's upbringing and activities.

People may choose to co-parent to put children's wellbeing ahead of conflict, as contact with both parents is often beneficial for kids.

Tips for co parenting include focusing on one's kids, committing to at least minimal communication with an ex, and letting go of differences.

If this is your first divorce, youโ€™ll hear the words โ€œco-parentโ€ quite often. But what does that mean? And how is it possible to do that with someone who has hurt you, betrayed you, or simply stopped loving you? Perhaps you also have stopped loving your ex and would rather have as little to do with him or her as possible.

You donโ€™t know what you donโ€™t know โ€” at least not yet. Read on:

What Is Co Parenting?

Co parenting is defined as “a post-divorce parenting arrangement in which both parents continue to jointly participate in their children’s upbringing and activities. This involves a substantial amount of interaction between the parents (both in public and in private),โ€ according to MR. Men’s Rights’ website.

Related: 7 Keys To Co-Parenting After You Have Remarried

Why Co-Parent?

1. Itโ€™s about your kids.

Your kids need you both, even if you and your ex donโ€™t agree on some things. Or even if you donโ€™t agree on most things. Your kids need you both because a strong attachment to both of you is the foundation for a healthy and successful future for them.

Unless there is a serious reason why a parent shouldnโ€™t be involved, usually determined by a judge, your kids need you both.

2. Itโ€™s about ending the conflict.

Co parenting means that you put the children ahead of your emotions about your ex. You and your ex probably agree on one thing: Your kids are the most important people in your life, and you want to do what is best for them.

Even if you donโ€™t agree on anything else, one thing is almost certain: You both love your kids. So, for their sake, can you put your love for your kids and their wellbeing ahead of your negative feelings about your ex?

How To Co-Parent:

1. Make a schedule that you both agree to.

Make the schedule realistic for both of you, your work schedules, and your kidsโ€™ school schedules. Put it in writing so there is no misunderstanding about what you have agreed to.

2. Commit to at least minimal communication.

At the minimum, your communication should help make seamless transitions between on-and off-duty parenting time. Your kids will feel secure knowing that their parents are working together even if divorced. Communication should be brief, neutral, and focused on a specific topic or request. This could be by email or text (if time-sensitive).

Here are some examples:

a. Sam has been more clingy than usual. He needs more hugs.

b. Mel has a spelling test on Friday. Can you please help her practice?

c. Ruby has a birthday party on Saturday at Jaxโ€™s house. Can you take her? I would like to take her if you canโ€™t. Please let me know.

d. Toby needs a new backpack. I will bring him one and drop it off tomorrow.

Related: 9 Tips For Co-Parenting With Your Difficult Ex

3. With even a little communication, you can make it easier for your kids.

But the key is keeping your annoyance or anger out of the email or text. Here are some communication examples that will definitely make things worse for you and your kids:

a. I canโ€™t believe you let the kids stay up so late on a school night! What were you thinking?

b. Jess says she hates your cooking. And you need to stop giving them dessert if they donโ€™t finish their dinner.

4. Avoid using your kids as spies, messengers, allies, or confidantes.

It is normal to want to know what goes on at โ€œthe other house.โ€ But if your kids feel like you are probing them with your questions, they will feel caught in the middle. It is a burden because it puts your kids into a loyalty bind.

5. You donโ€™t have to have the same rules and expectations at each house.

If you are able to have similar rules, it does make the transition easier for the kids. But if you didnโ€™t agree when you were married, you probably arenโ€™t going to agree now.

a. But that is okay as long as you and your ex are no longer arguing. Your kids will adjust to your different homes. Kids learn that some things are ok at momโ€™s house, but not at dadโ€™s. They may learn that mom expects them to make their beds in the morning, but dad does not.

b. This will not cause lasting damage to them. But the ongoing conflict between you and your ex will.

Related: 7 Tips for Communicating with Your Children About Your Divorce

6. Letting go is key.

You and your ex both probably think that you are good parents. Nearly all parents have differences in parenting style.

To co-parent successfully, youโ€™ll need to let go of those differences when you canโ€™t agree. Take some breaths, vent to a friend (not your kids), and then move on. You will heal more quickly from the divorce if you can do this.

Want to know more about successful coparenting? Check this video out below!

7. Stay on your side of the fence.

You or your ex may feel that the other parent is controlling or intrusive. This could trigger a fight, but it doesnโ€™t have to. Let it go. It calls for restraint.

Donโ€™t let your ex know when you are critical of his/her parenting unless s/he asks for your feedback or advice. And if your ex is giving you unwanted feedback or advice, just say โ€œthank you for your inputโ€ and leave it at that.

8. Your kids donโ€™t need to know what you think of your ex.

Adjusting to divorce takes time and healing. At the same time, you have to learn how to help your children through the divorce. One way is to co-parent effectively with your ex even if you hate each other. Focus on your kids and minimize the friction between you and your ex.

Related: 7 Ways To Help Your Child Cope-Up With Your Divorce

These tips will help you move from parenting in marriage to successful and cooperative co parenting after divorce.

If you have a question or would like to comment you can go to my Facebook page to join the conversation.

ยฉ Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2021

References:

https://mensrightsdivorcelaw.com/blog/co-parenting-and-parallel-parentiโ€ฆ
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/co-parenting-tips-fโ€ฆ

Written By Ann Gold Buscho
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
tips for co parenting pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Invisible Wounds: 10 Ways Unresolved Attachment Trauma Manifests in Adults

Possible Signs Of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

Your childhood trauma wounds can haunt you for the rest of your life. Unresolved attachment trauma in adults is more common than you think, however, knowing the signs of attachment trauma in adults can help you understand yourself more and take the necessary steps to heal.

Key Points

Childhood trauma often refers to traumas experienced in the family of origin during the formative years of our development.

Although many traumas result from abuse or neglect, not all are.

Some childhood traumas, such as emotional neglect, were not done purposefully. Some parents might not even have known.

<


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Coping With Postpartum Psychosis: What New Mothers Need To Know

Postpartum Psychosis Causes And Effective Treatments

The birth of a child is supposed to be a joyous occasion, but for some new mothers, it can trigger a serious mental health condition called postpartum psychosis. 

What is postpartum psychosis?

Postpartum psychosis is a rare but serious mental health disorder that can affect women in the weeks following childbirth, leaving them struggling with intense feelings of confusion, anxiety, and despair.

Fortunately, with the right support and treatment, recovery is possible. We must raise awareness about this condition and make sure that new mothers have access to the care and resources they need to heal and thrive.


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Is Your Parenting Style Doing More Harm Than Good? Avoid These 6 Common Parenting Mistakes To Raise Happy And Confident Kids

Worst parenting Mistakes To Avoid For Your Childs Growth

Parenting is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences in life. While all parents want the best for their children. There are some common parenting mistakes that you must avoid so that you can raise happy children with grace and intention. 

Letโ€™s uncover each of them along with some parenting advice to follow.

1. Active listening shows that you care

One of the most crucial aspects of parenting is listening to your children. It can be tough to balance all the demands of parenting. But when you don't listen to your kids, you risk missing out on important insights into their thoughts, feelings, and experiences which can lead to


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Is Your Body Shape Linked To Your Child’s Intelligence? Curvy Women Make Smarter Babies, Says Scienceย 

New Empowering Study Curvy Women Make Smarter Babies

Science just dropped a bombshell discovery thatโ€™s going to change the way we think about body shape and intelligence. Are you ready for this? Curvy women make smarter babies! Pretty interesting right?

A womanโ€™s body shape potentially impacts the cognitive abilities of her child. 

Let's break this down further!

Curvy women have intelligent kids, says science

Curvy women have smarter babies. Well, that's fantastic news to hear, isn't it? 

A study took over 5000 moms and their children to see if there was a correlation between a momโ€™s body


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

How A Messed Up Childhood Ruins Your Adult Life

How Messed Up Childhood Affects Adulthood

Childhood. The best time of our life. While most people will agree with this statement, some of us may coil in fear the moment our repressed childhood memories start to emerge from their dark trench.

Not every childhood is happy. Some are painted with the darkest shades of abuse and trauma which can keep us trapped in the blackened closet of fear even in our adulthood. 

Childhood is the golden age - a time of joy, innocence, wonder, exploration, optimism, and unconditional love.

A time when we are protected and cared for by our parents and family - and all these experiences build the foundation that allows us to grow up as secure, healthy, and responsible adults.

But what happens when your childhood is messed up? What happens when a child is n


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter: 7 Signs You Have The ‘Good’ Daughter Syndrome

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter

The mother-daughter relationship is always a very impactful one. But what happens in a narcissistic mother empath daughter relationship? Lies, deceit, manipulation, emotional abuse, and whatnot. Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a traumatic and abusive childhood, which haunts them for the rest of their lives.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother is traumatic, to say the least. Maternal narcissism is characterized by manipulation, constant criticism, jealousy, control, intrusion, and selfishness. And it feels even worse if you are a sensitive and kind-hearted person, and daughter.

No matter how badly she treats you, you always try to treat her with respect, compassion, and understanding. You always try to be a good daughter to her, and chances are you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome. So, what is this all about? Let's find out!


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

10 Ways To Overcome Childhood Trauma: Grow Beyond Your Childhood Trauma And Reclaim Your Life

Ways To Overcome Childhood Trauma

Do you want to break old patterns and release those past versions of yours? You might need to overcome childhood trauma first.

Our childhood is supposed to be the purest, most magical, and happiest time of our lives, and yet, for so many of us, childhood memories only bring pain, shame, anger, and confusion. For it was when we had, for the first time, experienced trauma.

At a time when we were new to this world, blissfully unaware of its complexities, and our formative brains still grappling with concepts of love, care, safety, and nurturance, we came to know what it feels to be unloved, uncared for, unsafe, and unnurtured.

Read:


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ