3 Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage

 / 

3 Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage

Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage and Keep Your Relationship Happy

Affection can be one of the first things to go after children are born or when a marriage is in trouble. BUT it doesn’t have to mean something serious and it can be naturally restored as I will go on to explain.

Why after children? Hundreds of couples have shared with me that the affection they used to give to each other over time has been transferred to their children. Whilst this can easily happen couples without children can go through periods of lack of affection too.

Affection for many people is what makes a relationship a relationship.

If you are craving affection in your marriage right now and are longing to be hugged, kissed, or given affection through caring words or “I love you” message – you are not alone. Thousands if not millions of couples may find themselves longing to be desired and cherished and this is often because of bad advice that never works.

If you are upset about a lack of affection in your marriage you may be feeling lonely, ignored, unimportant and unloved. You may have started to see your husband or wife as distant, cold, self-centered or only interested in the children.

If this is happening in your relationship right now, read on as I will tell you what works and what doesn’t when it comes to saving a marriage from a lack of affection.

Marriage Counsellors or well-meaning friends may tell you to have a serious discussion with your spouse telling them that the lack of affection is bothering you.

This relationship advice presumes that your spouse did not know that you like affection or forgot all of a sudden!

Or that maybe they did not realize that they were not showing you affection and somehow didn’t notice it.

But telling your husband or wife to be more affectionate never works, perhaps you already know that from trying it in your own relationship.

If anything, it can drive your husband or wife further away.

Having had this issue come up hundreds of times in the couples I’ve supported over the years I know what works and what doesn’t.

Read How You Can Rebuild, Realign and Save An Unhappy Marriage

So here are a few of my tips on saving a marriage from a lack of affection.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP –  1: STOP BRINGING IT UP  

Talking about it (even if only occasionally will not get your husband or wife to change. Yet many relationship counselors may advise telling your spouse ” You are not being affectionate”

 It doesn’t matter whether you beg, demand, joke, it never, ever works long-term or feels good.  

Of course, your husband or wife may do it when you have told them to, but if you have ever asked for affection and been given it on demand you know what I am talking about when I say -it feels horrible!

It used to make me feel more lonely when my boyfriend hugged or kissed me because I pressurized them too.  You want your spouse to be affectionate toward you because he or she wants to.

It reminds me of how I used to be around my Nan when I was young, she would always hold our face in her hands and demand kisses and cuddles, when we wanted to just say hi and run into her back garden and play.  It felt forced. Just like when your mum would want to kiss you goodbye in front of your friends before school.

If you are upset about a lack of affection, then really you are longing to be desired.

By ordering affection you may notice in your spouse a reluctance to be affectionate with you.

AND when you notice that it HURTS.

REALLY HURTS!

I used to ask myself the DREADFUL question “What’s wrong with me!?!” or “Why am I so needy?”

Begging for affection feels terrible!

Even if your man or woman comply!

So my advice is DONT DO IT!

It harms you and makes them run a mile.

Stop listening to the advice that tells you to complain and INSTEAD see his or her lack of affection as a sign that perhaps they are not feeling loved either.

EVEN if you are being affectionate toward them – affection may not be big on their list of the ways they feel loved.  There are 15 emotional needs I cover in my programs and affection is only one of them. Perhaps they need support in other areas, want love shown in a different way or are resisting control.

Instead of telling them what to do or getting upset about something you cannot control (their behavior) practice making them happy and showing them love in different ways, for example through appreciation, respect, space, thoughtful gestures or gifts, these are a few of the 15 emotional needs.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP – 2: AVOID THE LACK OF SEX AND AFFECTION TRAP 

The Secret of How to Keep Your Marriage Happy

Dan (name changed) shared with me in an online consultation that he is not having sex as much as he’d like to, barely at all in fact and he was feeling frustrated about it.  He complained that his wife is never in the mood and after being turned down, he no longer bothered to make the effort. “I stopped trying all together Nicola, it was hard taking the constant rejection”.

When I spoke to Lisa his wife, she said was fed up with lack of affection; “the only time he kisses or hugs me is when he wants sex. He will come up behind me when I am washing the dishes or watching my favourite TV show and expect me to be all love after he has ignored me all day. By then anyway, I’m tired and fed up,  so there is no way I’m getting intimate.”

This example is so common it comes up almost weekly in my practice. One wants sex and isn’t getting it, so doesn’t feel like being affectionate, the other wants affection and withholds sex until they get it, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Neither is feeling satisfied or close. To break it, one or ideally both need to give first. When couples do that their relationship transforms.

Read 5 Everyday Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP –  3:  FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL – YOU  & YOUR HAPPINESS

In a relationship, we can never control how someone acts, as much as we would like to. Controlling behavior leads to distance, resistance, and shutdown.

Instead know that if you focus on being happy, easy going and fun, the flirting and affection will normally follow.

Often when men or women confess to me that they know they have not been affectionate towards their spouse it’s because they are stressed, dealing with a loss of some kind or concerned about the relationship or future. Rather than asking them to change, support them and aim to inspire them by being loving, happy and full of energy and light yourself.  By becoming more focused on your own happiness and self-care you will become more attractive and be giving them the space that perhaps they need.

Bottom line, fretting about a lack of affection won’t help you save a marriage or make your marriage more affectionate. So focus on what you can control you and watch the stress release from you both.

Read All Successful Relationships Are Successful For These Same Exact 13 Habits

I hope something in this article is useful to you.

From my heart to yours, Nicola


Written by Nicola Beer
Originally appeared on SaveMyMarriageProgram.com

3 Tips on How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage
3 Tips On How To Save An Affection-Starved Marriage

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

What Is Pebbling Love language? Tips To Spark Love

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

What Is Pebbling Love language?

To attract a partner, male Gentoo penguins offer female penguins little stones or pebbles, to help build their nests.

Although humans don’t exchange rocks as a token of love, but the idea of penguin pebbling love language operates on the same basic principle of making someo



Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Meeting Someone Twice Theory: Best Examples

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

So let’s learn how the universe might be making these things happen on purpose.

What Is The Meeting Someone Twice Theory?

You meet someone in passing at a coffee shop, party or on the street. You exchange fleeting pleasantries, maybe share a laugh or a conversation, and then life goes on as usual.

But then, weeks or months or years later, you cross paths again and th



Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move On: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at least one instance of infidelity?

If your partner has cheated on you, you’re not alone. Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship.

But it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. It’s about letting go of the hurt and anger so that you can move forward.

In this guide, you will learn practical steps for how to forgive a cheater, inc



Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

Beliefs caused by trauma can act as invisible barriers, keeping you from finding and maintaining love. If you are tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns, it’s time to dig into these 7 trauma beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life.

So, are you ready to know all the ways trauma is keeping you single? Come on, let’s find out together.

Related:



Up Next

3 Relationship Check In Questions On Love, According To A Psychologist

Relationship Check In Questions For Couples In Love

It’s common for us to push relationships down our list of priorities when we get busy. We think we’ll make up for lost time later, assuming everything will be fine. But what if everything isn’t fine? Below are 3 crucial relationship check in questions for couples to make life simpler!

According to a recent publication of Current Issues in Personality Psychology, discussions were shown to be an effective strategy for solving disagreements and improving the quality of relationships.

So, a monthly relationship relationship check in questions can help keep your love boat afloat. Once a month, you and your partner can sit across from each other and talk. It isn’t about pointing fingers or finding fault; it’s about feeding the connection



Up Next

8 Clear Signs Someone Cares About You (Even If They Don’t Always Express It)

Unmistakable Signs Someone Cares About You

Are you confused about whether they genuinely care about you? Well, this article will take you through 8 unmistakable signs someone cares about you deeply, even though they do not always express it.

There is an ancient saying that actions speak louder than words. An expression like that tends to stick around for a reason, and this one does make a lot of sense. In our increasingly chaotic and noisy world, it’s easy to forget that some people struggle to verbalize their feelings. But remember, still waters run deep.

Just because someone struggles to express their feelings in words doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Actually, the real clues are buried within their actions. Look out for these telltale signs to know if someone cares about you genuinely:



Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

Dysfunctional Relationships

I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like?

Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized