Most people are aware now of the 40-50% average divorce rate in the west and expat communities. Knowing this doesn’t make that any easier if you are living in an unhappy marriage where divorce threats have been made.
The good news is an unhappy relationship doesn’t mean it’s over. That’s because it really only does take one person to save a marriage. This is something I have witnessed now way over 100 times and get emails in from 1000’s that join my empowered love program or download my free audios and e-books.
How can this be? How can one person save a marriage and stop divorce?
Essentially it comes down to the energy that you feel and put out into your home, relationship, and partner. Energy plus the right tools, desire and beliefs can dramatically shift a home full of coldness and tension into one that is fun, happy and relaxed. By switching the energy in yourself and the home, you can stop divorce dead in its tracks.
Now you may be thinking this love energy speak is a load of mumbo jumbo, right? I thought that too until I started to practice it and transformed my life. You can find out more about that by watching the video I created on it for you and anyone that wants to increase their love and happiness: it’s about 70 minutes to make sure you take some time out to sit and enjoy. Click here or copy the URL
For now, let’s get back to handling the divorce threats or the dreaded words “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
It’s completely natural to feel panicked or defeated if your partner wants a divorce, but this doesn’t mean that he or she won’t come around. Those that join my coaching programs are often on the brink of divorce or navigating new waters after an affair.
One or both partners seem to have given up or show up ambivalent about staying together in the beginning. This often shifts when they apply these 3 powerful strategies to deal with the threat of divorce and to stop divorce:
1. Empathize, accept and validate their feelings
2. Retreat and focus on your own happiness
3. Stop talking and create meaningful times
The problem is we often try to address the threats of divorce and stop divorce by doing the opposite of these three things. As I explain below to empower you to take on a new approach to stop the threats of divorce.
Strategy #1 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Empathise, accept and validate their feelings
If you are married to someone who has become very negative about you, your relationship and or life, it can be difficult to hear and listen to their negative outlook. The natural instinct is to try to convince them they are wrong, to point out all the good or how negative they are being. The trouble with this strategy is that it will alienate them, it will push them further away.
This is because when we do feel down in life or with a relationship, we tend to fixate on our negative feelings. In fact, we tend to become very attached to our feelings and often our feelings become so consuming they are all we have to go on at the time.. So for someone to say that our feelings (the one thing we are attached to) are wrong, it is easy to become defensive and wants to justify our position. Rather than switching their thinking away from the negative, it pushes their attention back to it, so they can come up with all the reasons the relationship won’t work.
So you need to do the opposite when a divorce threat is made. Empathize with them, accept their feelings. Don’t fight them as you will only prove their point that you can’t get along.
Say something like
“I hear you”
“Yes, things have been strained”
“I can see how you might feel that way”
Show you are really listening to them, and that their happiness is important to you.
The key here is to LISTEN, ACCEPT AND VALIDATE their point of view. Show them you understand their perspective, so defenses drop and a new way forward can be created.
Strategy #2 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Retreat and focus on your own happiness
When the person you love says they want to walk away from you and the marriage, your natural instinct may be to cling to him or her. To ponder to their needs and wishes and be available for them all the time. But begging, pleading or showing them how much you cannot cope without them, is not attractive or enticing.
The best thing you can do to save your marriage and stop divorce is to step back and do your own thing. Calmness and giving space will allow them to reflect and rethink. Ideally, you want to show you care about them and you don’t want a divorce without yelling, blaming, begging or drama.
Focus on you. You may have a list of things that you wish your partner would change in the relationship. Yet always say to people when I work with them that we can never really work on “the relationship” we can work on ourselves and when we do the relationship changes.
Do you look after yourself? Your needs? Your happiness? Do you have a good network of support, friends, family, a relationship mentor? That you can reach out to when you are feeling stressed, angry, desperate, hopeless about the relationship.
Have someone you can reach out to during this time, find someone that offers unlimited email support when finding a relationship counsellor or coach so that you can offload when you need to. Everyone that joins my programs has unlimited email support to me, it’s helpful to prevent overreacting when saving the marriage and stopping divorce.
Focus on feeling good. Do one thing that makes you happy and one thing that makes you laugh every day. More ideally if you can. Make it a habit. For me a hot shower with essential oils, exercising, comedy tv shows, funny YouTube videos, banana smoothies and a call with a friend or my mum all make me feel good.
Strategy #3 to stop divorce and threats of divorce – Stop talking and create meaningful times
When you follow the first 2 steps your partner will likely come round on some level. Then you want to focus on re-establishing contact and creating positive times. Whether that is a coffee, dinner, family day out. Only once you are having a good time can good conversations and solutions happen.
Couples that try to talk through their differences when one or both are anxious, hurt, negative or resentful often end up worse off. This is often why marriage counselling can drive a couple further apart.
In fact, the reason I decided to help save relationships was because going over the past was not helping couples divorcing. When you or your partner makes a threat of divorce – loving action is needed.
Going over what went wrong often creates more negativity, hopelessness, and bitterness – the very thing that destroys connection and closeness. So if you have tried talking things through on your own or in a marriage counselling session and it has failed to make any difference watch the empowered love marriage secret masterclass video here https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
It is not just for marriages with divorce threats, it’s for anyone that wants to experience more love and happiness in their relationship and life. It has a 98% success rate in making a positive change to your relationship just by watching it https://loveformula.nicolabeer.com/masterclass-registration
From my heart to yours, have a great week ahead. Nicola
Written by Nicola Beer
Originally appeared on SaveMyMarriageProgram.com