Stress has the potential to impact our mind, body and relationships, including our sex life. Stressful times can change your sex drive, either for the better or for the worse. But for most people, stress impacts sex drive in a negative way. In such cases, there are some ways you can keep your connection strong in relationships.
Sex and stress – friends or foes? Even if stress does a number on your libido – there are lots of ways of keeping your connection strong in the meantime.
For Some, It Increases Desire
Sex and stress – two key elements I often discuss with my clients. Usually, it’s about how stress negatively impacts sex drive. But for others, it’s about how stress actually propels them towards sex.
The reasons for sex increasing sex drive are several.
We all have a way of relating to people in our lives, what we often call an attachment style. For some of us, our attachment style has evolved to create a desire for connection in times of stress. This means the more anxious or stressed out we are, the more desire and arousal we can experience.
This is because desire creates situations in which we can be validated by our partners. The more sex we have, the more loved and appreciated we feel.
Other times, stress gets our libido going because it’s our favorite decompressing activity. According to experts, the act of sex releases feel-good hormones and combats stress hormones, leading us to feel more relaxed and happy. Instead of having to wind down in order to have sex – we have sex to wind down.
However, while stress can spike sex drive, it more commonly does not.
For Others It Impedes Desire
Stress is both a psychological and physiological experience. Stress floods us with both stressful thoughts as well as stress hormones.
These hormones signal to our brains that we’re in danger. And when we’re in danger – sex is seldom a good idea. Instead, our body and mind become focused on leading us to safety; whether it’s about a deadline at work or actual threats to our lives.
Stress About Work
When we’re caught up in thoughts about upcoming presentations to prepare or frustrate customers – sex is the furthest thing from our minds. And this is partly why sex and stress don’t mix well, because we’re not thinking about sex when we’re stressed.
That which we focus on tends to grow. The stuff we don’t tend to vanish (like our sex drive). If all you think about is work (and trust me, as an entrepreneur, I get it!), expecting yourself to also want sex is like expecting a miracle. And I don’t say this to be harsh.
I say this because our view of sex drive is often skewed. And with this skewed view come unrealistic expectations of ourselves, our partners, and our sex lives.
We expect ourselves to want sex spontaneously, out of the blue, no matter what we’ve got going on in our life or how stressed we are.
If not tended to, these expectations can make us believe something is fundamentally wrong with us, when there isn’t. And when we believe we’re broken – it makes it increasingly more difficult to feel a longing for sex. Understanding that sex and stress are natural opponents can help you see there’s nothing wrong with you.
Taking Care Of Your Kids
Now you know how important your brain is to sexual desire – it’s probably easy to see how the day-to-day of rearing children can negatively impact your longing for a quick romp in the sack.
Because if your brain needs to focus on sex to want sex; drying snotty noses or helping your kids with their homework isn’t exactly great foreplay.
Add to that, the stress of upset babies or angry teenagers, and it quickly becomes apparent how our state of mind can lead to low desire.
Stress About Our Relationship Or Marriage
Along with the daily stressors of work and children, the state of our relationship or marriage is also a key factor in whether we feel like sex or not. And this is where managing expectations in relationships is so key.
If we want to stay close with our partner and increase intimacy we need to get realistic about what this entails. Expecting ourselves to be just as turned on by our partner 11 years into our marriage, as the day we met, isn’t realistic.
This doesn’t mean long-term relationships can’t be sexually and romantically fulfilling (because they can!). I wouldn’t be in this line of work if I didn’t know this to be true.
What it does mean is getting clear on whether or not your expectations of your partner and yourself are fair.
If you’ve been annoyed with your partner lately. If you’ve been fighting about finances. If you’ve been struggling to find just 10 minutes where you can sit down together and look each other in the eyes – expecting these stressors to not affect your sex life isn’t fair on any of you.