To the Man I’ll end up with

I hope you’re doing fine. And if you are not, keep in mind that I am always available for you. Maybe we don’t know each other yet or maybe we do. Either way there’s a lot you don’t know about me.

Before you take the risk of being friends with me, know that I’m not good for you, not for anyone. I’ll be the “optimist” one when you’re low but “pessimist at its best” all other time. So before you want to step in, step back and give it a thousand more thoughts because I’m the kind of storm no one can handle. The kind that shall destroy you.

I’m someone who constantly needs reassurance. I know that I’m not the best and hence easily replacable. I’m neither best in terms of looks nor in terms of brain. I’ll want you to love me on my bad days which often turns out to be the worst ones. I’ll need reassurance time and again because I want to know if you feel the same towards a person like me.

If you can get really close to me, know you’ll get a lot of chances. You’ll be forgiven for things you didn’t expect forgiveness for. Falling in love might be easy as well. But staying in love with me is what needs courage. I’ll be the most unpredictable person you’ve ever come across. At times I’ll be jealous till the extent that you’ll wish me to just go away. Other times I’ll ask you if you wanna date random girls and probably would even find one for you. At times I’ll just speak non-stop. Other times you can clearly hear the ticking of the clock. At times I’ll pamper you like a kid. Other times I’ll pretend that I don’t care or you don’t exist.

If you want to be with me, know that I’m the most skeptical person you’ll ever meet. I’ll be doubting every word you say. Dare not lie to me even once no matter how hard it is because if you do, that’ll make me doubt you even more. Paradox at its best, I’m an explorer but I shall respect my home-time as well. I’ll want adventures but at the same time crave security. I’ll need you to pamper me like a spoilt child but I’ll be the most matured person you’ve ever known at the same time. At 3am you’ll see me crying with or without a reason and the next morning I’ll be the happiest and the strongest person ever. Or atleast I’ll pretend to be so.

I’m not good at hiding things. You’ll see it on my face when I’m happy, you’ll know when I’m sad and you’ll know when I want to punch you right on your face. I cannot lie for shit. You’ll know if I do. But never underestimate me. I can lie to you when I want to and you’ll not even get a hint. I’ll hide my feelings and you’ll never know if I love you or hate you. Stubborn to bits, I’ll stand by my words whether good or bad.

In a relationship, I’ll never make the first move even when I want to cuz I’m scared of emotions and more scared when it comes to confessing them. I never had “relationship goals” cuz I have never seen any of them last a lifetime. When I say I don’t want to marry, know that there’s another side to the story. How can you ever give someone something you yourself don’t know about? Happiness. I’ll want to give you that but how can I when I myself don’t know how to be that way. I want happy long relations and I have never witnessed that. So, why would I go for something knowing that it’ll bring me more sadness?

I have a sad soul in a happy body. I’ll save you on days I can’t even save myself but I’ll be the one destroying you. But if you can cope up with my bad habits and mood swings, you’ll earn a person for lifetime. There shall be sad days. With me you’ll go through a roller coaster of moods everyday. There will be days when I’ll trifle over silly things and might apologise minutes later. I’ll crack silly jokes all the time and laugh at myself minutes later realising how dumb I am.

I’m the girl kind of girl who laughs hearing romantic stuff and says,”love is all bullshit”, the one who feels everything to be creepy enough. I’ve got dreams too. I want to make myself worthy enough of you. Why should a guy always prove that he’s deserving enough for a girl? I wish to go down on my knees before you but is just too scared. Scared of rejection maybe or of losing my self-respect. But then I don’t know how does one, by confessing his/her love, loses their self-respect yet I can’t get over that idea. All thanks to my past relationships.

When you’ll think you’ve reached that stage where I have put my trust completely into you, it’ll be just the beginning of me trusting you and you’ll know a whole new person thereon. Then, you’ll know that I’m a person who believes in loving someone forever. I still do. But you will never know about it because I’ll never tell you. Before making me fall in love with you, you’ll need to make me fall out of love with someone else. There’ll be nights when you’ll have to provide me with your shoulder to cry on. You don’t have to spend much on me. Just a little time is all I ask for. Yet, you’ll not get his share of love, NEVER.

Despite everything, if you choose me, you’ll choose an adventure. Search for my happy parts. Search for my positive traits which I never could. But I so wish that you’re him, the one I love, still. I want you to make me fall in love with you, again, even if that means repeating history. Because to me, you’re worth everything, you’ll always be.

From,

Someone who believes in loving a person once and for all.