Simon, the infamous leader of his elders and acquaintances, is a special boy, but, dear reader, he prefers to be addressed as a “man” despite his fetal age, and strongly so has adapted to the name at which he prefers. We dare to refer to this lad as “man”, or “infamous leader”, for he has disobeyed the honor to which it has been given. Here forthright, Simon appears to be a confident and clear-minded being, but here is to be where we shall halt to continue such blasphemous assumptions, for an incident occurring on the night of February 29, which is now referred to as “Vengeance Returned”, caused masses of ignominy, furthermore unveiling Simon’s mad habits. It ’twas this moist and blazing night when this man, without premeditation, hath committed such blasphemy.
Let’s flashback to this frightful and lonely, but still moist and blazing hot, night that, to this day, in pursuit, haunts the town of Schemingway. Simon was home alone. One often wonders what a man such as Simon chooses to occupy his spare time with to fulfill his wonderful, yet mad, fourteen year old maturing brain. Mimicking all men, he is hungry for lunch, and not any form of hunger, no dear reader, a hunger so strong it is capable of abolishing an entire urban population.
Simon speaks, “Methinks I shall devour the hash my mother hath conjured up last evening to fulfill my acid filled stomach before the walls of it are burned down and acid floods my body, eventually melting it to nothingness.”
Because no other creature, except for maybe the house rat, Jerry, was stirring through the household that day, Simon heard no protests, but rather a calling to the stainless steel Whirlpool ice chest, which taunts him every hour to know it possesses mouth watering amenities to which one might believe he can consume, but little to their knowledge, Simon was on a strict diet prohibiting him from the intake of enriched flours, artificial sugars, vegetable oil, and high fructose corn syrup. For these were the reasons as to why his mother’s homemade seasonal hash was the perfect dish. With a saliva filled mouth, and a stomach being devoured by acid, Simon casually, whilst dying on the inside, strolled towards the silver chest, yearning for the powerful pull of the handles to open another realm of gayness and pure delight that cannot be derived from anything other than these concoctions of ingredients to which it beholds. He grasped the handles of the fridge and, while protruding his elbows outwards and opening his chest to the blinding fluorescent light beforth him, gasped in awe at the atrocious sight caught from his retina.
“Hark!” exclaimed Simon aloud, “’Tis there no food to restore my hunger? For I may cease to feel it maddening my soul if mother’s hash were to be found!”
With no presence in the household to offer comfort, Simon was left to mourn at the dreadful sights of a foodless fridge, alone. It ’twas in this moment when Jerry, the house rat, appeared in sight to calm the man from his fretting.
With anger and intolerance broiling beneath Simon’s skin, he couldn’t help but to scream, “Avaunt, you useless creature!”
The only defense the mouse could offer to himself, not that one could fathom a mouse withdrawing a coat of armour and sterling shield, and strikingly know the proper and effective way to which it shall be handled, was a quaint and reassuring squeak to enforce his aliveness. With a kick, resulting from the forcefulness of Simon’s right foot, Jerry was sent off into oblivion quicker than one could say “Pish-Posh!”
Simon called upon his close friend Levi to bring forth a celery stalk to his humble abode to fulfill his hunger, and without question, Levi agreed to his male friend’s beckon, and he concluded by the harsh tone of Simon’s words that he ought to reach him in a jiffy. Meanwhile, alone and afraid, Simon lacked any passion or positive thoughts, for the acid hath burned the stomach walls and was, in that moment, devouring his insides, but not showing any effects to the rest of his body.
Simon, nonchalantly leaned against the crevice of the counter and withdrew a knife from the closest drawer to him, and began to sharpen his stalk of celery to resemble the image of his grandfather Adam’s knife, for he knew his ancestor’s infamous knife was used to commit a famous ancient sin for his love interest.
Out of interest, Levi questioned Simon, “My dear brethren, tell me, why is it that you must sharpen my gift to which I have bestowed upon you?” It was in this moment Levi noted a sudden lightning strike in the heavens above, and he swears he saw a similar one in Simon’s retina, but the darkness that clouded the earth was oddly green, almost mirroring the color of pea soup, and his taste buds confirmed the tangy flavor of the soup his father would concoct out of curiosity when he wasn’t slaying dragons. Nevertheless, Simon’s striking eyes concerned Levi, and he could infer a storm brewing both in his acquaintance and in their surrounding earthly environment.
Then, thrashing with anger, Simon drove the now sharpened, long stalk of celery into his friend’s stomach, which was most likely at the time fully loaded with food, and this idea provoked Simon furthermore to strike his friend with the vegetable.
Whilst attacking his foe, Simon yelled, “Because my dear friend, my insides are tearing away at themselves and my hunger hast become quite a burden, so it is right of me to find something out of my willpower to control my hunger pains!”
The final cry of help, which had the luck of escaping the mouth of Levi, was identical to the one of Jerry the mouse, and similarly to Jerry’s body, the noise was sent off into oblivion as Simon ignored his pain.
O reader, hither is where the ongoing conflict enlies. The town of Schemingway is notorious for this ‘ole tale of Simon and the “Vengeance Returned” event. It is unknown to man if Simon consumed Levi on the night of February 29, or simply captured the remains of his body and fled yonder to a foreign land with the perchance of mending the parts together once more. Some persons shall speak of Simon as a “human slayer” or even a “death defying cannibal,” while others believe Simon and Levi shall soon return as zombies and halt the existence of humankind forevermore.
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