The Inner Voice

Prasupta Roy

I started hating her. Ignored her when she urged me to listen to her. But the more she begged, the more I turned ruthless towards her.  But then, she had loved me. With all her heart. Always wished to be by my side. As a true companion- guiding me all the way in my journey of life. Because she knew that without her I would have no existence. So she continued showering her love on me. Until one day, I crushed her feelings and trampled her existence under my feet. She cried and begged me to give a small place in my heart. She had said that she was born only for me. To accompany me, guide me and love me all her life. And in doing so, she would achieve salvation.

 But her tears enraged me the more and I rebuked her. Vehemently. For I had felt now that she curbed my desires and was an obstacle on my way to happiness and enjoyment. I felt I was unable to fulfil my wishes. Only because of her. Had to bridle my passions when my heart asked for fulfilment. Irritation, annoyance grew in me. And I started hating her. I just wanted her to get out of my way. I thought I would be able to breathe freely then. In the open air. As my friends did. And perhaps many others who I felt were happier and more successful than me.

Until one day, I found myself engulfed in the wilderness of darkness. I was doomed. I looked for a ray of hope. But there wasn’t any. Helpless was I, amidst the sea of hopelessness. Wept bitterly until all my tears dried out. And then I remembered her. Her presence. Her love for me. So innocent and so pure. And the way she cared for me. A smile lit my face. And I remembered how she guided me, helped me steer my life with precision forbidding me from going astray. Helped me strengthen my morale and uplift my moods when I suffered from the agonies that life presents us with. I loved her then. Our love was mutual. We smiled and cried together. I cared for her then as she had cared for me. She was my all as I was for her. Her presence gave me a sense of elation. For I knew she understood my feelings the most.

And now I wished her to come back to me. Desperately. Prayed with all my heart for her belongingness. But then she had gone far. Perhaps, so far from where her return wasn’t possible. I cried. I longed for her in every breath of my life. Perhaps the way she did for me. Or rather with more earnestness. Until one day I felt her presence within me. Again. Crying and smiling at the same time. “I love you. I need you”, I said without losing a moment. She looked at me with tear soaked eyes. “I would never forsake you, my dear”, I promised her as I wiped her tears. Tears had brimmed my eyes too which she brushed with her soft delicate fingers. I liked her touch which reawakened my soul. Gave me the strength that I had lost. As I smiled, her face lit up with joy and she wrapped me in her arms. I felt safe now.

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Prasupta Roy

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