I Hope You Felt How Much I Love You In Countless Ways

I Hope You Felt How Much I Love You In Countless Ways

The good and amazing thing about blank sheets of paper is that, it has an ability to be whatever it is meant to be- a poem, a photo, an old- fashioned love letter, just a simple word or a story. There are no rules. But behind these words I know, there’s an spectral presence of pain that marks in every corner of one’s heart.

The sound of my laptop sang out with a deafening silence in my room, coffee in my favorite mug a friend had given me near to the edge of my table, a few steps away on my bed. My face was so intense, my eyes squinting at what I am just now writing- letting my finger fly at the keyboard.

I’ve lost count of how many times I have stopped and started writing these words from the bottom of my heart. Until now, I didn’t know if I get the right words out or what. Just the thought that he suffered in one moment and vanished is giving me the pain I can’t explain. He knew that we did the best we could do. I didn’t tell him how much I love him but I knew that he felt it in countless ways.


I once stood at the side of a casket. Flowers were draped everywhere. It was so heavy. So deep was the grief. Pain seared through my heart and my whole body. I stood paralyzed. The stunned deafening silence…I could only feel the liquid dropping down on my face. I gave myself the permission to cry and brought these pains to God. It has been three years but it’s nothing compared to eternity and if I remembered correctly, indescribable sorrow has become my constant companion up to now.

We were kids. I thought then, we would all grow old together. I used to work abroad and I just get the chance to see him each year. And each time I was going back, he was always there- preparing and packing my things. Leaving an hour before my departure, I saw that. He said, he doesn’t want to see me leave. Now, I suddenly thought of that declaration of one’s hope in Arabic that I used to hear, YA’ABURNEE (You Bury Me) It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before their love one because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Goodbye is a word that most of us do not want to utter as much as possible. This is the most heartbreaking life’s reality. To say goodbye and it was forever! Just by the mere utterance of it, leaves a remarkable endless sighing. I know this is not only an absence- it’s an infinite loss and I cannot do anything at all that I just keep missing him so bad in each moment, everyday!

It’s true what Collete have quoted that Danielle Steel added to her ‘Remembrance’ “A tomb is just only an empty box.” And the one I love exist entirely in my memory, in a handkerchief that’s still scented when I unfold it, in an intonation that I suddenly remember and listen to for a whole long moment, my head bent…

…and what bitterness at first- but what calm relief later!- to discover, one day when winter trembles with cold, uneasiness and hope- that nothing has changed: neither the smell of the earth, nor the quiver of the brook, nor the shape like rosebuds, of the chestnut shoots…to lean down in astonishment over the little filigree cups of the wild anemones, toward the carpet of endless violets- are they mauve, are they blue? To let one’s gaze caress the unforgotten outline of the mountains, to drink with a sigh of hesitation the piquant wine of of a new sun…to live again.

When I was flying back to Doha from Philippines months ago, I noticed one family in the plane. And from the excitement of the 2 kids, they had never been to Doha. When we were near to the destination, clouds blocked our view of the ground. Only when we began our descent, the plane did finally break through the clouds.

At first sight of the land down, the Mother exclaimed to the 2 little ones beside her, “Look, that must be Doha!” After a few moments of silence, the young boy said, “But Mom, where are the palm trees? I can’t see them!” His idea of Doha immediately brought to his mind those palm trees, and he expected to see them first.

I will ask you, as you anticipate the day you will arrive in heaven, what do you want to see first?

If you would ask me…

I have been longing to see him once again. And I will probably tell him those 3 long years since he departed this earthly scene, I have been missing him so much and cannot do anything at all that I just keep missing him so bad! Each day, I have been trying to figure out, how does he look now! Each day, I have been imagining our lives if he’s still around.

To a Dearest Brother up there…

You broke my heart but thank you for finding your way to be with me all the time in every dream I have each night. And waking up from this dream in the middle of the night made me realized you have never left me at all and it gives a comfort in my heart. I’m sorry that I was always absent in your life. I just hope that being present in your death gave you the happiness. It’s true, I never had the time talking to you during your last breath but I knew I was in your mind. I’m sorry that your exit in this life was too cruel. I hope one day, my heart will be healed. I hope I will not have this strange grieve whenever I stand to your gravesite – each time I’m holding the bunch of flowers for you. I wish a day will come that I’d finally stop screaming the pain of having this colossal hole in my life that seemed giving me an eternal torment and I wish one day I will remember you but without pain.

To you…

As I am looking up…I blow this kiss for you. I will wipe these tears away for not hearing your voice and seeing your face for so long now. I know this is forever…until I get to see you again- one day!

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

— Follow Us —

Up Next

Unveiling the Truth: The Dark Side of Societal Expectations on Life’s Milestones

Unveiling the Truth

Societal pressures dictate specific timelines for achieving milestones like graduating college, getting married, having children, and buying a house. However, these deadlines are often arbitrary and can change with advancements in technology, the economy, and societal norms. It is important to understand where these expectations come from and create personal milestones that are meaningful rather than clinging to outdated societal norms.

What is the societal clock and how does it impact our lives?

The social clock is a cultural timeline that dictates important milestones in a person’s life. These milestones, such as getting a job, getting married, or having children, create societal pressures for individuals to achieve them. Failure to meet these expectations can lead to

Up Next

Letting Go: How Detachment Can Help You Heal Toxic Relationships

How Detachment Can Help You Heal Toxic Relationships

Many individuals in the self-help and dating advice community often emphasize the importance of independence, but there is a disconnect between societal norms and scientific evidence. Building strong emotional connections with others has been shown to result in increased levels of happiness, success, and overall well-being in individuals’ lives. Some individuals offer self-help and dating advice and believe in the importance of being independent, but there is a disconnect between societal norms and scientific research. Building strong emotional connections with others has been shown to increase happiness, effectiveness, and overall stability in life.

Throughout evolution, the survival of infants and young children needed to have protection from potential dangers provided by a stronger or wiser figure. To guarantee that they received adequate care and safety, natural selection led to the development of an inna

Up Next

Forgiveness After The Storm

Forgiveness After The Storm

The muse of poetry in its depths stalls the ensue of thee,Drowning in the sparse spectacle of hope left, one dives into the waters of misery.Triabilsing in the painful stance of existence, death in its allure creeps behind,To be or not be in the bane of tormenting breaths, in their truth one seems to find,

The hostility that binds, convulsion in its gloating flair laughs hysterically at the corpse of being,Dreariness to live in its slow burn writhes the only ounce of light left to see.The void of embracing the freshness of unadulterated air forges to question the beauty,Of living a life that could lead in the lightness of radiance and the smiles of unbridled glee.

The trueness of being lapses in the oscillation of turbulence and the sea of calm,Yet the tides of uncertain syllables that breed animosity render the sou

Up Next

Beyond Materialism: The Psychological Motivations Behind Retail Therapy

Beyond Materialism

Most people can understand the happiness that comes from purchasing something for oneself when we talk about needing some retail therapy. Can shopping truly improve our mood? Clinical psychologist Scott Bea, PsyD, affirms that shopping can have psychological and therapeutic benefits as long as it is done in moderation, according to research. Engaging in shopping activities, whether online or in person, can provide a psychological and emotional boost. Even just browsing can bring happiness, but it’s important to be mindful of your spending habits. Dr. Bea outlines various explanations for the phenomenon.

Shopping helps to regain a feeling of power or authority

Research demonstrates that engaging in shopping activities can help individuals feel more in control of their

Up Next

Mind Over Met Gala: Analyzing the Intersection of Fashion and Mental Health in 2024

Mind Over Met Gala

The most confidential information about the 2024 Met Gala, which will take place on the first Monday in May, is now known. A total of 250 objects, many of which have never been seen in public before, will be on display in the Costume Institute’s “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion” exhibition at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in 2024. Before the much-awaited event, Vogue is compiling all of the information we currently know.

What theme will the 2024 Met Gala have?

The official dress code for the 2024 Met Gala is “The Garden of Time,” in honour of the Costume Institute’s upcoming exhibition, “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion.” About 250 rare objects from the Costume Institute’s permanent collection will be on display. The designs, which span more than 400 years of f

Up Next

The Aesthetic Epidemic: Understanding the Roots of Lookism

The Aesthetic Epidemic

We care about more than just ourselves – we care about our loved ones, our communities, and the world around us. We are affected by tragic events, especially when a child is murdered, regardless of where it happens. It deeply impacts us and makes us feel disheartened. Moral evils raise doubts about the goodness of the world and the value of existence, especially for those who believe in a benevolent deity. However, anyone can contemplate the purpose and value of the universe in light of such evils. We may not need to worry about the value of the Universe and instead focus on finding value in our own lives or the lives of our loved ones. The concept of value is subjective and can be created by us.

The important question is what we should value or find pleasure in. Some people may try to ignore moral evil by focusing only on their own lives and loved ones, but this narrow perspective is unsatisfying for most. I

Up Next

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

To be or not to be, to go all in or to unwind and relax, we question our dreams, running in constant chase of our quests to come true, we are the ones who never sleep. Dreamers we are called, the ones who passionately strive in the endeavours of the best they could ever be, here is a letter to me, a letter to you. In the stride of embracing the best you have ever been, nurture your soul before the onset of the abundance in you that lies unseen.

Too bold, too much for your age, you are doing too much, how often have you heard these notions been used to describe you? As we tirelessly strive to achieve the next goal we have in our mind, we are often told that we are being hard on ourselves, to enjoy life a little. Life in its entirety passes by us in its dynamic flair, and the existence we envisage holds unique individuality to each one of us. The choices one makes for themselves belies them and them only, and t