I Hope You Felt How Much I Love You In Countless Ways

I Hope You Felt How Much I Love You In Countless Ways

The good and amazing thing about blank sheets of paper is that, it has an ability to be whatever it is meant to be- a poem, a photo, an old- fashioned love letter, just a simple word or a story. There are no rules. But behind these words I know, there’s an spectral presence of pain that marks in every corner of one’s heart.

The sound of my laptop sang out with a deafening silence in my room, coffee in my favorite mug a friend had given me near to the edge of my table, a few steps away on my bed. My face was so intense, my eyes squinting at what I am just now writing- letting my finger fly at the keyboard.

I’ve lost count of how many times I have stopped and started writing these words from the bottom of my heart. Until now, I didn’t know if I get the right words out or what. Just the thought that he suffered in one moment and vanished is giving me the pain I can’t explain. He knew that we did the best we could do. I didn’t tell him how much I love him but I knew that he felt it in countless ways.

Yes…

I once stood at the side of a casket. Flowers were draped everywhere. It was so heavy. So deep was the grief. Pain seared through my heart and my whole body. I stood paralyzed. The stunned deafening silence…I could only feel the liquid dropping down on my face. I gave myself the permission to cry and brought these pains to God. It has been three years but it’s nothing compared to eternity and if I remembered correctly, indescribable sorrow has become my constant companion up to now.

We were kids. I thought then, we would all grow old together. I used to work abroad and I just get the chance to see him each year. And each time I was going back, he was always there- preparing and packing my things. Leaving an hour before my departure, I saw that. He said, he doesn’t want to see me leave. Now, I suddenly thought of that declaration of one’s hope in Arabic that I used to hear, YA’ABURNEE (You Bury Me) It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before their love one because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Goodbye is a word that most of us do not want to utter as much as possible. This is the most heartbreaking life’s reality. To say goodbye and it was forever! Just by the mere utterance of it, leaves a remarkable endless sighing. I know this is not only an absence- it’s an infinite loss and I cannot do anything at all that I just keep missing him so bad in each moment, everyday!

It’s true what Collete have quoted that Danielle Steel added to her ‘Remembrance’ “A tomb is just only an empty box.” And the one I love exist entirely in my memory, in a handkerchief that’s still scented when I unfold it, in an intonation that I suddenly remember and listen to for a whole long moment, my head bent…

…and what bitterness at first- but what calm relief later!- to discover, one day when winter trembles with cold, uneasiness and hope- that nothing has changed: neither the smell of the earth, nor the quiver of the brook, nor the shape like rosebuds, of the chestnut shoots…to lean down in astonishment over the little filigree cups of the wild anemones, toward the carpet of endless violets- are they mauve, are they blue? To let one’s gaze caress the unforgotten outline of the mountains, to drink with a sigh of hesitation the piquant wine of of a new sun…to live again.

When I was flying back to Doha from Philippines months ago, I noticed one family in the plane. And from the excitement of the 2 kids, they had never been to Doha. When we were near to the destination, clouds blocked our view of the ground. Only when we began our descent, the plane did finally break through the clouds.

At first sight of the land down, the Mother exclaimed to the 2 little ones beside her, “Look, that must be Doha!” After a few moments of silence, the young boy said, “But Mom, where are the palm trees? I can’t see them!” His idea of Doha immediately brought to his mind those palm trees, and he expected to see them first.

I will ask you, as you anticipate the day you will arrive in heaven, what do you want to see first?

If you would ask me…

I have been longing to see him once again. And I will probably tell him those 3 long years since he departed this earthly scene, I have been missing him so much and cannot do anything at all that I just keep missing him so bad! Each day, I have been trying to figure out, how does he look now! Each day, I have been imagining our lives if he’s still around.

To a Dearest Brother up there…

You broke my heart but thank you for finding your way to be with me all the time in every dream I have each night. And waking up from this dream in the middle of the night made me realized you have never left me at all and it gives a comfort in my heart. I’m sorry that I was always absent in your life. I just hope that being present in your death gave you the happiness. It’s true, I never had the time talking to you during your last breath but I knew I was in your mind. I’m sorry that your exit in this life was too cruel. I hope one day, my heart will be healed. I hope I will not have this strange grieve whenever I stand to your gravesite – each time I’m holding the bunch of flowers for you. I wish a day will come that I’d finally stop screaming the pain of having this colossal hole in my life that seemed giving me an eternal torment and I wish one day I will remember you but without pain.

To you…

As I am looking up…I blow this kiss for you. I will wipe these tears away for not hearing your voice and seeing your face for so long now. I know this is forever…until I get to see you again- one day!

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