About that Gut Feeling

Aliaa Hussein Abbas

She worked out things around her pride…

She was able to master the games of her ego…

The more she did that, the better she could listen to her guts and the clearer her vision grew

It exposed her but she didn’t care… because with the scars her beauty shined on

She learnt to talk and not suppress

She learnt to dance and not cry

She learnt to smile and not scream

She learnt to learn…

She was able to express and make things happen for herself and those around her

She took the blows of life with passion and comprehended the ways of life like a monk

She could breathe finally without depression caving in not anxiety taking over….

She was consciously content…

He made way to her

He was preoccupied, self entered and too nice everybody wanted a piece of his life

He was shaken and scared,

He was shy and obscene

He was weak and concealing it

She took him in and saw right through him

She wanted to be there… she was there!

She was happy… and sad ….

She was strong… and mad …

But most of all she was true to him!

He panicked, he vanished, he freaked out on her…

And he came back again… and again… and again

And she always took him in… until one day she couldn’t even see his back

She was shaken and beaten

She was in awe from the pace of his changing

She doubted her guts and that agonised her

She couldn’t go back to where it was confusing and blurry

She couldn’t just be another lost soul

She knew she had all the answers within and in that she must always trust

She believed that the more she believed the more it becomes

She wanted to keep her faith in this new liberating religion… her gut!

She kept crawling in her head through all the bits and pieces of his words and actions

She had to find proof to the truth she already knew…

She couldn’t accept that her feelings failed her

She knew he wasn’t for her and there is no need to wait for his return

But she wouldn’t settle for being emotionally imprudent

She wanted to stay sure of what she is sure of

It was the only way for her to let go

And the only way for her to move on and stay strong with all her mighty wistfulness and passion for life

And one day she was sure again…

After all those nights she related to his pain

After all the hours she stayed awake

After all those serendipities of bumping into his friends

After all the times his name comes up in irrelevant conversations by unusual people

And after being in same places and never meeting him!!!

The world worked itself around… and she now knows what she was once just sure of

She knew he felt what she felt, even for once

She knew she was not delusional, all the way

She knew there is more to it than his pathological tricks and lies

She knew he was scared her care would take him over

She knew he was ashamed she could see through him

She knew he was puzzled by her strength and that was okay

She knew he was not ready to be the man he saw she deserves

And he was not ready to do the work and lacked the energy to fight his ego for what his-self is worth

She chose consciously and so did he so naively unconsciously …

She smiled as her eyes teared up…

And she embraced herself gracefully

She was grateful she has got herself and herself got her back! 

#lia

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Aliaa Hussein Abbas

WOMAN – GUMPTION – TARANTISM – METTLE. I KNOW HOW TO FEEL THE FEELINGS AND LIVE PAST THEM ANYWAY!

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