10 Things NOT to Say to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

10 Things NOT to Say to Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

#1 Do not compare the garden-variety toxic relationship in your life to their relationship.

Doing this is like comparing the pain of being bit by a fly with the agony of being attacked by a shark.

#2 Do not tell them that their abuser “probably meant well” but must “just” have anger issues, a poor upbringing, a lack of social skills, etc.

They want to believe this, too. The truth is, narcissistic abusers, don’t mean well.

#3 Do not ask the victim to identify their own behaviors that contributed to the abuse.

A victim is never at fault for an abuser choosing to be abusive.

#4 Do not tell them it takes “two to tango.”

It only takes one, when the one is a narcissist.

#5 Do not suggest that they should be over the pain by now.

You are just showing your own discomfort with the horrific impacts the abuse has had on them.

#6 Do not tell them that you’ve had a “bad break-up,” too.

Unless you’ve had a break-up with a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, your break-up and theirs have few similarities.

#7 Do not ask them to explain how they can still love and want to be with someone who abused them.

They are not your teacher. Being asked to explain the complex impacts of narcissistic abuse when they themselves don’t have it all sorted out is re-traumatizing.

#8 Do not tell them their situation is impacting them so profoundly because they are sensitive.

Narcissistic abuse by anyone is incredibly devastating to everyone.

#9 Do not question a victim’s intelligence because they’ve returned to an abusive relationship or are struggling to leave one.

Intelligence has NOTHING to do with it. Being traumatically bonded is far more likely to be the reason for their actions.

#10 Do not say that everyone calls each other a narcissist nowadays when they don’t get their way.

A victim of narcissistic abuse is dealing with a narcissist, and I can guarantee you they’d rather not be.

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  1. Susan Servin Avatar
    Susan Servin

    I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t blame myself for my narc ex choosing to be abusive. I do blame myself for not being more aware, but narcs DO lie and you think that your values and world view are the same. In truth they are not, and they are very good at deceiving people, especially a target.

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