How To Apologize To The Zodiac Signs

ARIES: Just wait 10 seconds for the blood to cool

TAURUS: Plant a seedling in their backyard. Once the tree is fully grown, they’ll be ready to forgive you

GEMINI: Send a picture of a cat holding onto a branch saying “hang in there” and proceed as if nothing ever happened

CANCER: Hold hands and tell them about the event in your childhood that caused you to act out. This will have to happen weekly for as long as you know one another

LEO: Compress your tears into a diamond. Present it to them on a silver platter. Do not raise your eyes to meet theirs

VIRGO: Repeat their meticulously-cataloged version of the truth back at them, even if you disagree

LIBRA: Post a picture of the two of you together where they look hotter than you

SCORPIO: Pull out your entrails and mail them in an antique porcelain vessel

SAGITTARIUS: Defend your action citing Spinoza’s ‘Ethics’. They’ll probably argue, but out of respect

CAPRICORN: Make a bet on which of you is the most capable of forgiveness

AQUARIUS: Publish a manifesto about how you’ve not only hurt them, but the whole community

PISCES: Don’t make a big deal about it, or you’ll make them feel guilty