How The Zodiac Signs Dump You

ARIES: Interrupts your breakup speech so they can say it first

TAURUS: Insists this is just as difficult for them as it is for you

GEMINI: Ends things in their head but forgets to in real life

CANCER: Gives you an ultimatum and goes cold when you decline

LEO: Mails out, ‘unsave the dates’ sealed with a single tear

VIRGO: Emails you the pro-con list that helped them decide to end, the relationship

LIBRA: Says they need space and then stays in your orbit for years

SCORPIO: “A lot has changed since I said I loved you last week”

SAGITTARIUS: Replaces every picture they’d posted of you with a thirst trap

CAPRICORN: Invites you to a neutral location and hands you a box of tissues

AQUARIUS: Starts to introduce you as their friend until you’re no longer sure you were ever dating

PISCES: Ghosts because they assume you also sensed it was over