Is Love A Feeling? Or Is It A Choice?

Is Love A Feeling Or Is It A Choice

I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and my teacher asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers so naturally, we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort. She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice. Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away. Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

23 thoughts on “Is Love A Feeling? Or Is It A Choice?”

  1. It is a choice but it seems to be a choice that chooses for you. We are prisoners of our minds, to an extent. The brain is plastic and can be molded to fit what you need it to bend to but it loves loops, some loops more than others. It’s easier to choose to love someone you love with ease vs someone you have to work hard to accept. This clears up the foggy view that If love is a choice then we should all be compatible with each other, should we be willing to actively make that choice daily, and it just isn’t true. How can someone be right from day one, so easily, and another never work no matter how many years you try? It is a choice but it isn’t that alone that is guiding us to a person. It’s a combination of the right similarities and tolerance. Or how I think of in my mind, the fucked up in me loves the fucked up in you. Bc we are all broken. The question is: is he the right kind of broken for you. If not, then no amount of choosing will keep you.

  2. There is a lot of good in this post. A lot of truth. It is meant well.

    I have personally had two arranged marriages, and one that was not.

    Has anyone else here actually experienced, personally, what an arranged marriage is?

    I was in love with one man and forced to marry another. My parents separated me from the one I loved and forced me to marry the other. That marriage lasted for four months of hell and ended with me being suicidal.

    The next arranged marriage was better than the first. This husband was not abusive, but it was never whole, complete, or enough because I was haunted by the difference of what a real love- my first love- was like.

    Nine years and three children later, this marriage ended in divorce.

    It was not until I found someone “I” wanted, and not who I was told to love, and married him, that I was truly happy.

    Love IS.

    You can’t change it and you can’t force it. You can’t not force someone to love who they do not love and you cannot force someone to stop loving someone they do love. It doesn’t work like that.

    You have to START with love , in order to end with love.

    THEN, after you finally found the right one, then this post applies. Because you have to choose them every day, just like it says, even after the feeling fade. It IS a choice. But it starts with a feeling. You just have to be cautious who you let your feelings grow for and if they are worthy.

  3. So very true and powerful words. Blessed are those who have found this. People who truly love each other can work through anything. True love is patient and kind, it doesn’t judge or criticize. My favorite line is “dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.” Knowing you have someone that is committed to you no matter what and will not take advantage of your commitment to them is the most amazing feeling in the world. If you truly have this, don’t let it go. Work it out. If you don’t have this and the other person is taking you for granted, walk away.

  4. Riza mahal you Better read this.
    Ask me why?
    Because I choose you and I dedicate my life to be part of yours, our feelings may change but my goal to grow old with you and to die in your arms will never change.
    But if you leave me. I have to change my plan for us and give it to the person who’s willing to do the same thing for me.

    I love u ❤️

  5. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?
    ~Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

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