Choose Her Everyday Or Leave Her
Why the Small Ways We Abandon Each Other Matter
I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I wanted to stay with her. I really wanted to choose her over everyone else. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny, elegant and sensual. She could make my whole body shiver with her quick, dark wit and turned my world tipsy turvy with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms felt like home. I fiercely loved her.
Unfortunately, a very common incident with youngsters, is our ignorance of how to do well in love created stressful conflicts in our relationship. Before long, my once blissful morning reverie gave way to the strained, hurtful ways of our everyday life together.
I frequently wondered if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the time passed and that thought reverberated through my mind, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little lesser that the previous day.
I stayed with her. I just didn’t choose her. And that killed us both.
Choosing her would have meant focusing on the beautiful gifts she was showering on me, without me asking for it. She would bring to me the life I would be grateful for. Her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship and so much of her was inexplicable.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.
I was so focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her personality that the soft silver lining about her simply went into oblivion.
The more I focused on the bad, the more I imbibed it and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering her the worst of my behaviour. Naturally, this created a tension in our relationship that almost seemed to burst.
Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.
You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled explicit she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she felt insecure with me. She realised that I chose her less, in my words and my actions, and she was scared of losing me.
Actually, she lost me. I abandoned her.
By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.
Like the favorite summer flower, I brought her to home and then I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
I finally introduced myself to the worst days of life. The person I thought was suffocating me made me realise that it was her leaving that choked me.
I never again not choose the person I loved.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have days we feel disconnected. That’s not lack of feelings.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Open the door to your heart for another human being to show up. See them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.