And Here Are The Few Words To The Man I No Longer Know And Cannot Seem to Find

Bea Pilotin – Writer

I hope you live a happy life that you’ve been dreaming of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you’ll find it one day.

If the heart has a memory, somewhere in time, in the vast lingering landscape of the mind, these words will forever be inscribed- wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but happiness and love. As for me, a day will eventually come that I’d be able to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. And I will let myself feel beloved on Earth once again.

How ironic! When was the last time I set you free? And that’s exactly what I’m thinking now- setting you free once again because I want you to be happy. Let’s not prolong this masquerade because it depreciates me while you get away with murder.

I love you. Yes, I did tell you that but I didn’t force you to believe in it. What could possibly go wrong?  I didn’t know but obviously I failed. I have loved you especially those days that you were so kind to me and those moments that I have never recognized you, it was because you started to change. I even loved you the last time you decided and finally said, you have found someone else to love in a special way- the one that involves only both of you. I knew it  was not just simple words but a decided fact.

For the last time, I am giving myself the permission to shed few more burning tears- to bless my body  with the benediction of healing. It’s true when they said that the holiest  of all holidays are not the ones on our calendars but the one we observe in silence and in private tears. And on this Holiday, I smell the air so crisp for the first time and experience a total eclipse of the heart. It torments me but from now on, you will no longer find my call at 2 A.M just to tell you how I terribly missed you the whole day I didn’t see you. There will be no more secrets whispered at night and no more silly jokes told in the morning. You will never see me again hanging around  you. You will no longer hear your phone rings with my name popped up on it and you will never see those messages that always filled your inbox full. You will no longer see me cry when you get sick. And you will no longer find those pieces of godiva chocolates in your car. You will no longer see me grin when you do something silly. You will no longer feel my hands wiping your face whenever you eat like a little kid. You will no longer find me snuggle up on your sofa waiting for you to arrive home from work. You will no longer hear from me. You will just see those four corners in an empty space with the traces of me. I will never build any bridge again. I will just simply build a  strong wall. I know that you are not always fair but I will let you go  on the highway and move forward into the life full of happiness.

Thank you for the sight of undulating swing of each day’s crushing sorrow. Because of that, I have learned the ways of love. I might always bury my face into the plump pillow each night  to sleep. I might hide myself to the world- no one could see me.  I might have those scary nightmares in the middle of the night – no one will wake me up then hug me tight. Things could fall to the cracks but I could swear I’ll take care of myself. I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

I’ll get out with this mess that is full of thunderstorms and night sky with scary lightnings. I have to stay alive to find those missing pieces to complete the life you broke and will start to see those small beautiful things again. I want you to know that even though you broke my heart, the love for myself is still here deep inside. I still love myself anyway and I still know what this thing called, LOVE really means. But you know, the only difference of you and I is that, my love is true. It is a love that is unselfish and kind.  The love that,  I know, will save me when all hope is lost.

The pain in my heart is killing me but it’s okay. I will be moving on. I will leave you to your bliss and peace. I will move out of the insular world which has sheltered our togetherness for quite long time. And, while you are loving her, I will make the best out of what life has given me. I want to understand what is mine… that is why I’m letting everything go. I’ll keep what is for me and will stay mine forever. There’s a road I need to go through alone and there is a right moment wherein I need to say goodbye. And when I said goodbye, it means that is your way and this is my way and it will never cross again.

I’m OK!

I will be OK. Because I’m strong and the love I have deep in my heart is always true. I will be OK because no matter how many times people stomp  on my heart, they will NEVER take away the LOVE in it. This is the only thing I have left for myself. I will live before I die. And if our Creature will finally decide to take me away from this world, know in your heart that you were deeply and truly loved.

 

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— About the Author —

Bea Pilotin – Writer

A woman who is passionate about coherent words.

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