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Zodiac Signs As Stuff In Your Kitchen
As stuff in your kitchen…
ARIES: your microwave’s 1 minute on high power setting
TAURUS: the can of beans from 2009 at the back of the pantry
GEMINI: the plastic bag full of other plastic bags
CANCER: the ice cube that melted on the floor in front of the freezer that you step in and get your socks wet
LEO: your favorite burner on the stove
VIRGO: the keychain that’s also a corkscrew and a bottle opener
LIBRA: the jade roller in the otherwise empty freezer
SCORPIO:
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How Zodiacs Are Recharging Themselves
Recharging…
ARIES: flees into the woods for a few days to get the zoomies out
TAURUS: lathers on SPF 100 and basks in the sun until they doze off
GEMINI: fills an entire journal in one sitting and publishes it as a bestselling memoir
CANCER: goes skinny dipping under the moonlight and pretends they’re in a Lana Del Rey music video
LEO: goes window shopping for a present to give themselves
VIRGO: gets stressed curating an itinerary for their self-care day
LIBRA: rearranges their entire roo
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Loving Them Is Like: Know How It Feels To Love These Zodiac Signs
Loving them is like…
ARIES: Tandem skydiving
TAURUS: sleeping beneath a weighted blanket
GEMINI: Speaking a secret language nobody else can understand
CANCER: trying to coax a stray cat out from under a dumpster
LEO: having a lap dog
VIRGO: walking a tightrope
LIBRA: looking in a mirror
SCORPIO: playing chess against a bot
SAGITTARIUS: watching the same standup comedy routine o
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As Green Things As Per Zodiac Signs
As green things…
ARIES: sour apple 4Loko
TAURUS: fresh local microgreens
GEMINI: a tequila-soaked lime
CANCER: Ivy crawling up a brick wall
LEO: cash
VIRGO: green tea
LIBRA: sea glass
SCORPIO: the Northern Lights
SAGITTARIUS: a snake
CAPRICORN: the Grinch
AQUARIUS: texts from an Android
PISCES: swamp algae
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Tactless Behavior Of The Zodiac Signs
Tactless behavior…
ARIES: walks into an art museum and says “I could have painted that”
TAURUS: goes into your room and borrows your clothes without asking
GEMINI: drops by your house without texting first because they saw the lights on
CANCER: judges strangers’ outfits aloud as if they’re in a fashion show
LEO: proposes at someone else’s wedding
VIRGO: scrolls through your photos when you try to show them just one
LIBRA: doesn’t actually break up with you, you just hear through the
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Personal Motto Of Each Zodiac Sign
Personal motto…
ARIES: it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission, but it’s best to ask for neither
TAURUS: if it ain’t broke, use it over and over again till it is
GEMINI: even if they’re hating, at least they’re talking
CANCER: if I can’t go in sweatpants, then I’m not going
LEO: if at first, you don’t succeed, give up
VIRGO: nobody’s perfect-believe me, I’ve noticed
LIBRA: peace, Love, Unity, Respect, Charming your way out of having to take responsibility
SCORPIO:
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How Terrifying Are The Signs?
How TERRIFYING are the signs?…
Aries: I mean they’ll love you and all but don’t do shit like force them to love you. They will slap you right the fuck everywhere.
Taurus: Not very scary but will do shit when needed. Pat their heads and play games with them.
Gemini: Bro you don’t fuck with Geminis they seem p chill at first but damn they can shoot OPTIC LAZERS FROM THEIR FUCKING EYES.
Cancer: Cancers are CHILDREN they are CRABBY LIL FUCKS but they are only scary a little bit. Probably their vocab is the most terrifying.
Leo: Damn. Leos are sweet but basically h
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