To Love You In Seperate Way, The One That Involves Only Us

Do you still remember the last time we talked? It was when autumnal tints and late summer sun seemed to merge and gave the impression of being suspended between seasons. I told you:

“I can’t love you. I suppose I could love another man in another way at the same time but not you. I don’t want to see you as an extension of him. I want to fall in love with you in separate way- one that involves only us, uninfluenced by the past. I can’t do that now and I can’t say when I’ll be able to. Don’t make me special. Don’t waste your time waiting for me. Keep looking then you’ll forget about me.”

That’s not true! Yes, I did lie to you. On that day, you have disappeared without uttering a word. And on the same day, I started longing for you. Every moment, since then, I am wishing to see you again- so, I could tell you what’s going on in my heart. I have tried to detach myself from the bittersweet remembrance and from the hope that, one day we will meet again. I have tried to take the courage to move on in a new direction but I have failed. I still think about meeting you one day, maybe…just maybe at the end of the road- the one that involves only us.

I AM SORRY…I lied. I told you I can’t love you. But you have occupied a soft spot in my heart. I AM SORRY… for not telling you the love I feel. It has been years but the thought of meeting someone else is not even a consideration. I still wince so painfully every time I think of you. I want to tell you that I can’t bear the pain of knowing I won’t be able to see you again. It’s true, nothing is ever easy and it’s never easy to forget you. The memories of you, hurt me so much until now. I AM SORRY…if only I could turn back the hands of time, I would go back to that moment and tell you how I really I feel. I AM SORRY…that you have never felt the warmth of your sweet embrace. I AM SORRY…that I have swallowed unwilling tears that has no explanation. I REALLY AM SO SORRY… I hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.

Maybe…life is worth living if you stay. I wish one day, you will look back and hear those echoes from my heart. I’m here once again- to the place I last saw you with a wish in my heart that I will see you and finding nothing but shadows and silence. And I have to blink hard against the tears that comes into my eyes. Yes, unexpected pain always come at unexpected moment. The sighing of the wind echoes the aching of my heart as I think about you. Leaving, after all is not so bad then of being left- it always hurts so bad! I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I had to let you go.

In fantasy, I saw you following me, unwilling to give up on me. I always tell myself, this is the test- if you love me enough, you should come back. I know in my heart, fantasy has a little relationship to real life. Sometimes I am giving myself the fake comfort that perhaps there had been a little rebound in what you did. Perhaps I had hurt you more than I knew.

If one day, you’ll decide to complete the jigsaw puzzle that do not have the right pieces since you left, I’m always here. I will wait for you because I have the promise that I know- deep in my heart, you still keep until now…to love you in separate way. The one that involves only us, uninfluenced by the past and I cay say, I’m right here…still hoping.

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