Again, I end up alone behind the doors I close on myself. Sometimes I seriously can’t figure out one reason why I choose this even when I don’t want to.
I’m always relieved though, to have this bit of sanity that stops me from believing that I let fear control me every time, then only in those moments that I’m completely out of my mind, I come to face the fact that I’ve tried everything from making peace with fear to running away from it, and even being completely fearless at times but nothing seemed to be satisfying enough.
But now I know why I reached this point, why I’m stuck in it no matter how many times I try to leave, and why it hurts so much to even try to leave. It’s because I’ve had a share of disappointments more than I could possibly take. And what hurts most about this is when you keep believing in those who disappoint you, when you refuse to give up on them, when you keep holding on to the hope that they will realize the damage they’ve done and they’ll try to fix it, but you just end up disappointed again and again, and again.
What if you’ve tried everything whether to blame them for it or just let them see it for themselves and none of it mattered? What if you care about them so much and you can’t walk away?
And in some insane moments, when you’ve really exhausted every option, you will sit back and laugh about it with tears streaming down your face because you’re usually the one who gets ridiculously hurt only because you care so much.
Sometimes it ate me away, that fear of getting disappointed all over again, because there’s only so much I can take right?! And then I would unintentionally hurt the ones I love the most, or even the only ones who are truly there for me, just because the pain is so overwhelming. I find myself still forced to run and hide behind the walls I try to build, and after all that as soon as I catch a glimpse of hope I chase it like a fool and, you know, nothing. You kind of get used to it too, and even that doesn’t make it any better. There are times when you even get disappointed in yourself.
There came the hardest truth, that the best of me could simply be the worst, for I couldn’t have imagined it would get me nowhere in this world unless it’s accompanied by pain, loss, and frustration. I had no idea that constantly trying to fix things was going to break me to pieces, and also hit me again just as I put the pieces back together.
You see, sometimes you give all that you’ve got, and somehow you’re the one who gets left behind, desperately searching for a way out in some comforting truth, or even learning how to live without peace of mind.
And as sad as it sounds, what makes you special is what gets you hurt.
Sometimes a curse lies within the gift.
– Nada Mohamed
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