A man shared with me an experience he had as a child, wherein his mother, while making his birthday cake, told him that it was โhisโ cake that she was making.ย ย And when it came time at the party to cut and share the cake with everyone, he threw a fit because his mom had told him it was โhisโ cake and nothing in him wanted to share it.
That man remembered, at that time, nothing in him wanted to share that cake with everyone.ย ย Yet he was told that he โneeded to shareโ, so there was a contradiction that started in that child.ย ย โIโm told to share, but I donโt want to share.โย Or otherwise stated โIโm a good boy, if I share.ย Iโm a bad boy if I donโtโ.ย And sometimes punishment ensues until that child does what the parent wants them to doโฆ.share, like โgood boysโ do.ย But if that child is punished for not being โa good boyโ, can that child believe anything other than the fact that he must not be good?
At that moment, if you can see it, that boy then starts a pattern of directed โhateโ toward others (brothers, cousins, friends), because they are being given something that he believes belongs to him (โhis cakeโ).
This is how Guy Finley (a truth teacher), put it so eloquently: โThe child then feels that he must be broken, because everyone seems to agree what a good person is, and nothing in me wants to do that (share), so Iโm not good.ย Iโm broken and now I must pretend to be good.ย Not because I want to do it, but if I donโt pretend to be โgoodโ, if I donโt adopt an appearance to push away the storm, then Iโm going to be washed away with it, and Iโll be bad for the rest of my life, and Iโll never get cake again.ย ย Iโll never be praised.ย Iโll never receive an award.ย Everything about my life will be because Iโm a bad person, a broken person, and even though I donโt feel it, Iโm going to act it out.โ
Wow, I can see my whole life in that. Why?ย Because we are all a product of borrowed, hand-me-down parts, from our parents, society, grandparents, all the way back.ย Our parents and grandparents, etc., had no idea that they were carrying and bringing that โoldโ borrowed stuff with them and placing it upon the โnowโ believing the โoldโ to be โnewโ.
Here are a few things that occurred to me in considering the idea of sharing:
1. The best way to lead is by example. You canโt expect a child to do something that you first donโt uphold yourself.
2. Real/True Love is โunconditionalโ. Therefore, any action that we agree to take based on what our mind is saying โneeds to be changed in our childโ, must be dismissed in that moment because it comes from the past.ย The past is where the ideas of what is โgoodโ and what is โbadโ come from.
3. The present moment is the only place where โnewโ answers exist. Those answers come to us only after we dismiss, sacrifice, that โoldโ instantaneous voice that pushes us with a response in the moment.ย We have to wait in the moment for the past to pass, if that makes sense. And a lot of the time, that is not necessarily easy to do because it requires a bit of suffering on our part.
4. We all have an internal compass that automatically knows, without thinking, what is right and what is wrong. We know, without thinking, that harming another isnโt right.ย We know, without thinking, that taking something from another isnโt right.ย ย But that internal compass has to be allowed to awaken inside of us in its own time.ย Otherwise, pretense will always be the result, and pretense is pain.ย We have to allow our children to โmiss the markโ time and time again and learn for themselves in the only way they can โ through experience.
In all of this, please know that I am not saying that certain recognized dangerous behaviors donโt need addressing.
If we are totally honest with ourselves, the most difficult part of allowing a child the time they need to learn these things for themselves, is that we, as parents, do not want to be seen and judged by others for having a child that โdoesnโt shareโ, or โtakes things from others when playingโ, etc.
There is always a cost in doing the right thing.ย That cost is the sacrifice of these precious images we have of ourselves that donโt want to be seen in a negative way by others.
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