What Abandonment Trauma Has Taught Me

The first thing, that I’d like to write about this, is that it’s pretty tough to live with this kind of trauma. Because you just feel inside you a turbulent sea that waits for you to drown in it when you’ll feel worthless and it will devour you in a few seconds. I’m not saying that this is the hardest type of trauma to overcome. I’m just saying that, unlike a wound or a scar on your skin, it’s not visible, but it hurts more.

The hardest is to deal with it daily. Because you know your past, you know the typical ‘’I’m not going to leave you’’, and the consequences.  You know that those who said this left the first. You’re just staring into nowhere, feeling down and you feel the soul’s silent wailing, you feel like there is a river of tears inside you, but none in your eyes. And then, you just burst into crying, and cover your mouth with your hands, because the pain is just too tough to overcome.

I’m sorry if you ever had to do this because you didn’t want to be a burden for someone, because you didn’t find someone who’d genuinely listen to you and would not judge you, or because of their hypocrisy. I just wanted to assure you that you are not alone. I am dealing with it too. And every day is a battle for me. Because I still need to prove to myself that there will be persons who would stay.

Another hard part was that someone who had left me, suddenly returned. You know this feeling, when you carefully bandage your wounds, take care of them, and learn to live again? And then the person who damages you returns and you’re just staring at him/her thinking how much pain he or she has done to you.  This is the very moment to know if you’re genuinely healed or not, because at that moment the bandages just crack and the bleeding is unavoidable(if you haven’t healed it). What’s worse is that if you haven’t healed it, you’ll experience the same pain again and again, which is really unfair.

I never knew why I needed a lot of reassurance, why I felt so unworthy of love, why I was picking unavailable partners, why I had so much insecurities, why I was struggling with anxiety, but when I realised that deep within I have a deep scar of abandonment trauma, it all made sense. Moreover, being an HSP (highly sensitive person), makes it worse.

I just want people to realize that I’m really sensitive, and when I say something, I really do mean it. I just don’t find enough power in myself to lie, to fight, to prove my point, I want to be understood from the first attempt.

I know that it’s said that you can heal all your wounds alone. Because emotionally unstable persons attract emotionally unstable persons. The reality is that I’ve struggled so much with it and I am tired. I am tired to wake up every day with the thought that I am not good enough. I’m tired to be said that it’s not a big deal and I’ll manage it. I’m tired to cry before I fall asleep because of the thought that everything I’ve done till now is in vain. I’m tired to think that one day I’ll be loved the way I deserve.

But all that I’ve wanted at the end of the day, was someone who’ll understand my fears and will not feed them, will not judge me and I’ll be able to count on him. I’ve received a lot of lessons and miserable minutes of happiness that cost me a lot of sleepless nights and pain. It is just unfair. If you are a person who struggles with the same issue, know that you have all my love. You’re brave for not giving up. And if you’re not the one struggling with it, know that it’s not a thing to make fun of. It’s a childhood scar that aches. Much.

And now, what I’ve learnt while dealing daily with abandonment trauma. I was smiling when my soul was dying, and in a crowd, I was just finding myself on an isolated island and deep within I was screaming but there was no one. I have learnt that everything I have is now. Tomorrow that person maybe won’t be with me anymore, so I have learnt that I can’t take a person for granted.  The only heritage that remains from someone who leaves are the memories, and carrying them wherever you go becomes really tough sometimes.

Fearing abandonment is like fearing death.  One day it will happen, but you’re living with the anxiety that it will happen whenever. Somehow you realize that the fears are groundless, but you can’t find in yourself enough strength to fight them. And when someone stays you’re just surprised.

In the end, everything a person struggling with abandonment trauma wants, is to be assured once and for all that she is enough, she is loved and will not be abandoned. If you’ll fall in love with a person with abandonment trauma, don’t leave her at her worst, be with her and help her raise up from the ashes. You think she’ll use you as an emotional bandage, but it’s not true. You’ll give her the needed strength to be herself again.