I Realized The Best Friend I Loved Wasn’t a Friend at All – Mind Talk

I Realized The Best Friend I Loved Wasn’t a Friend at All - Mind Talk

I’ve ended an engagement, lost jobs, dealt with the death of a parent, and endured other losses that are simply part of being a human being. I grieved these things when they happened, and to some extent still grieve today. In spite of this lingering grief, I can say that the holes left by these events have been mostly filled in by time, happy life events, and good memories.

There is one loss though, that still eats at me, and probably left me more devastated than all of the others. This is the loss of my best friend. No, she didn’t die. She didn’t move far away, nor did she cut off our friendship. I did that. Most losses happen because people leave or are taken away. Sometimes that’s not what happens at all. Instead, we lose people because they are revealed to us, and the revelation is a punch in the gut. This is what happened when I realized my best friend was never really a friend at all. Looking back, here are some insights that I have.

Theresa (not her real name) and I met at a party. I was doing what introverts do at these events, playing with the hosts dogs in the kitchen, and nursing a beer. She walked through and immediately noticed my t-shirt. It was a concert tee that I had bought while following my favorite band, Widespread Panic, all over the United States. We got into a great conversation about jam bands. She told me her parents were Deadheads before she was born. I told her all about myself, and how following Widespread Panic made me feel like part of a community. Opening up to a complete stranger was completely foreign to me, especially at a party. She took my number and said we should hang out at an upcoming music festival. “This is it I thought.”, she won’t actually want to hang around.

She Was a Great Listener And a Friend to all

But she did! We went to the festival and had a great time. I learned more about her life story, and we just seemed to have so much in common. Here’s what I now realize looking back. Theresa always had something in common with everybody. There wasn’t a social language she couldn’t speak, or a person that she couldn’t identify with. When I started to realize who she was, something struck me. This wasn’t a natural ability to relate to other people. This was a carefully honed skill that resulted in her ability to gain emotional access to anybody. Being a people person is one thing, but forming instant bonds is a red flag.

She Always Had a Crisis

We’ve all come to friends with problems and received a response along the lines of, “Hey, I have a problem too.” That’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it gives you some needed perspective. It can also be nice to have someone to commiserate with. Then, there are also times when a friend’s problems really are more pressing than your own. That was the case with Theresa. At least that’s what I thought. The red flag that I missed was that when people do this all of the time, it can be a sign of narcissism. With my former friend, it was definitely all of the time. As a result, I felt unsupported and emotionally drained the more time I spent with her. When I tried to ask for more support, she would become weepy and berate herself. Then, I would focus on reassuring her. This was, of course, the reaction she wanted. It made her the focus once again. Looking back, I remember that she lost two jobs over the course of our friendship. Both times it was because of her inability to grasp the concept of teamwork and work well with others.  I think she just didn’t have the ability to consider others within her.

She Could Never be Happy For me

I wish I could say that things were better when I had cause to celebrate, but the truth is they weren’t. Every bit of good news I had was met with some subtle, undermining comment. Even when I got engaged, rather than expressing happiness for me and my fiance, she took my hand and said: “I know you’re in love, but you have to understand that long distance relationships are always doomed.”

Walking Away

There was no major betrayal that led to the end of our friendship. In fact, there wasn’t even a confrontation where I called our relationship off. I simply stopped responding to her calls and texts. I considered inviting her out for a final lunch to tell her why I was cutting her off, but I never did. I also composed, then deleted many emails pouring out my feelings. Ultimately, I decided that whatever I had to say or how I felt truly didn’t matter to her.

Written by Diana Beyer

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

— Follow Us —

Up Next

Forgiveness After The Storm

Forgiveness After The Storm

The muse of poetry in its depths stalls the ensue of thee,Drowning in the sparse spectacle of hope left, one dives into the waters of misery.Triabilsing in the painful stance of existence, death in its allure creeps behind,To be or not be in the bane of tormenting breaths, in their truth one seems to find,

The hostility that binds, convulsion in its gloating flair laughs hysterically at the corpse of being,Dreariness to live in its slow burn writhes the only ounce of light left to see.The void of embracing the freshness of unadulterated air forges to question the beauty,Of living a life that could lead in the lightness of radiance and the smiles of unbridled glee.

The trueness of being lapses in the oscillation of turbulence and the sea of calm,Yet the tides of uncertain syllables that breed animosity render the sou

Up Next

Beyond Materialism: The Psychological Motivations Behind Retail Therapy

Beyond Materialism

Most people can understand the happiness that comes from purchasing something for oneself when we talk about needing some retail therapy. Can shopping truly improve our mood? Clinical psychologist Scott Bea, PsyD, affirms that shopping can have psychological and therapeutic benefits as long as it is done in moderation, according to research. Engaging in shopping activities, whether online or in person, can provide a psychological and emotional boost. Even just browsing can bring happiness, but it’s important to be mindful of your spending habits. Dr. Bea outlines various explanations for the phenomenon.

Shopping helps to regain a feeling of power or authority

Research demonstrates that engaging in shopping activities can help individuals feel more in control of their

Up Next

Mind Over Met Gala: Analyzing the Intersection of Fashion and Mental Health in 2024

Mind Over Met Gala

The most confidential information about the 2024 Met Gala, which will take place on the first Monday in May, is now known. A total of 250 objects, many of which have never been seen in public before, will be on display in the Costume Institute’s “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion” exhibition at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in 2024. Before the much-awaited event, Vogue is compiling all of the information we currently know.

What theme will the 2024 Met Gala have?

The official dress code for the 2024 Met Gala is “The Garden of Time,” in honour of the Costume Institute’s upcoming exhibition, “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion.” About 250 rare objects from the Costume Institute’s permanent collection will be on display. The designs, which span more than 400 years of f

Up Next

The Aesthetic Epidemic: Understanding the Roots of Lookism

The Aesthetic Epidemic

We care about more than just ourselves – we care about our loved ones, our communities, and the world around us. We are affected by tragic events, especially when a child is murdered, regardless of where it happens. It deeply impacts us and makes us feel disheartened. Moral evils raise doubts about the goodness of the world and the value of existence, especially for those who believe in a benevolent deity. However, anyone can contemplate the purpose and value of the universe in light of such evils. We may not need to worry about the value of the Universe and instead focus on finding value in our own lives or the lives of our loved ones. The concept of value is subjective and can be created by us.

The important question is what we should value or find pleasure in. Some people may try to ignore moral evil by focusing only on their own lives and loved ones, but this narrow perspective is unsatisfying for most. I

Up Next

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

An Open Letter To The Hustlers

To be or not to be, to go all in or to unwind and relax, we question our dreams, running in constant chase of our quests to come true, we are the ones who never sleep. Dreamers we are called, the ones who passionately strive in the endeavours of the best they could ever be, here is a letter to me, a letter to you. In the stride of embracing the best you have ever been, nurture your soul before the onset of the abundance in you that lies unseen.

Too bold, too much for your age, you are doing too much, how often have you heard these notions been used to describe you? As we tirelessly strive to achieve the next goal we have in our mind, we are often told that we are being hard on ourselves, to enjoy life a little. Life in its entirety passes by us in its dynamic flair, and the existence we envisage holds unique individuality to each one of us. The choices one makes for themselves belies them and them only, and t

Up Next

How To Remain Centered And Calm In Face Of Difficulty

My life is a mess and I have nothing to be grateful about! I witness myself say this phrase from time to time, where life plonks us into the desperation of ebb and flow of wilderness and things not going in our favour.

It is easy to say we are grateful and in complete balance when things are going well and life feels like the warm embrace of the sun shining on a Sunday morning. But the real test lies in remaining grateful and centred when life feels like spinning out of control.

While it is easier said than done, here are some reminders that might help you get through the days that feel like a burden –

1) This too shall pass, no moment in time that feels permanent loses its impermanence. We often lose hope when things don’t go our way and during these sad days, we should remember, that t

Up Next

15 Most Liberating Thoughts For Someone Who Needs It

Our life unfolds in a succession of revelations of who we are. It is when we sit down and repeat the same sentence in our head over and over again, in every action we perform, every activity we indulge ourselves in, does it indulges into our existence as a habit.

The key to having a sense of liberation is allowing life to flow through, not forcing anything and more essentially not resisting change. I believe that our life improves in the direct proportionality of how often we are exposed to situations where are forced to challenge our age-old beliefs and counterfeited perceptions and seek the greater version of ourselves. When we get too comfortable in the comfort zones we build for ourselves, we do not grow into the people we are meant to be. Sadly most people embrace change only when metamorphosis is the less painful and only possible option.

I know that