It is really scary when you realize that your father has a serious problem with alcohol. Chances are, you grew up admiring your dad, even thinking he walked on water. But as you became older you might have noticed that something just wasn’t right. Now, though, it is abundantly clear that your dad is an alcoholic.
This harsh realization is very hard to accept for adult children of an alcoholic. It is possible that the problem was present for years, and now suddenly many things you didn’t grasp in childhood have become clear. Or, it could be that your dad has just in recent years developed an alcohol problem. Either way, you may be wondering what to do about it, if anything.
This is a sensitive topic, for sure. You want to respect your father and not embarrass him, but at the same time you really want to guide him to get some help. There are ways to gingerly approach the subject with your dad, but sometimes it helps to have a professional interventionist to support this effort.
Signs Your Dad Has an Alcohol Use Disorder
If you believe your dad is an alcoholic then you most likely have witnessed some of the signs that are common in people with an alcohol use disorder. When a cluster of these signs and symptoms are present, there is a good chance your parent is struggling with alcoholism.
1. Obsessing about drinking or having enough alcohol on hand.
2. Trying to quit drinking but can’t.
3. Experiencing blackouts.
4. Withdrawing from friends and family.
5. Loss of interest in the activities once enjoyed.
6. Drinking more and more alcohol as tolerance increases.
7. Mood swings.
8. Lying to family members about how much you drink.
9. Hiding alcohol around the house or in the office.
10. Loss of interest in personal appearance and hygiene.
11. Irritability
12. Concentration problems
13. Sleep disturbances
14. Alcohol cravings
15. When alcohol wears off withdrawal symptoms emerge.
Be Prepared For Denial
No one likes to be called out for something, especially by an adult child. The kneejerk response is almost always going to be some form of denial or excuse. Anything to deflect from what is really going on. Your dad may toss out some time-worn excuses that are quite common among people who prefer to remain in denial. Some examples of these excuses include:
- I can quit drinking whenever I want
- I work at a job everyday, I am not an alcoholic
- Everybody drinks
- I don’t have a problem, the problem must be you
- I am not hurting anyone but myself, so let me be
- I don’t have time for treatment
The reason for these deflections is less about admitting the problem and more about not being ready to give up alcohol. All you can do is plant the seed and offer your support. In time, hopefully your father will admit he needs help and is ready to go to treatment.
How to Approach Your Father About His AUD
Approach your parent with kid gloves. Realize that there is a lot of pride and ego wrapped up in this interaction, so take small, gentle steps versus being accusatory. Prior to initiating this conversation, it is a good idea to gather some basic information about treatment options, such as the different types of rehab programs available. Suggestions for the best way to approach your dad include:
1. Find a time when you can be alone with your parent.
2. Do not begin the conversation if he is intoxicated.
3. Have calm responses to his objections.
4. Avoid using a harsh or accusatory tone.
5. Do not be judgmental.
6. Tell him you love him and are concerned about his health.
7. Offer to help him look into insurance coverage.
8. Offer to go with him to the intake session.
9. Assure him you will be available to offer emotional support.
Even taking these precautions you may not be successful in convincing your father that he would benefit from treatment. Consider obtaining the help of an interventionist.
What About an Intervention?
When a loved one is not receptive to the idea of getting treatment for an alcohol problem, don’t give up. Consider enlisting the help of a professional interventionist to help the family persuade them to accept help. Intervention services can take the burden off the family by helping them create a plan.
Prior to the intervention itself, the family members will meet with the interventionist to plan the session and rehearse. The interventionist will prepare the family for the different outcomes that may happen, and ask them if they are willing to stand firm to their boundaries if the parent declines help.
Family members will be asked to write a letter to the loved one that describes how their alcoholism have adversely affected them. A date and time will be decided for the meeting. At the intervention the family members read their letters to the parent and the interventionist will attempt to guide the parent toward accepting the offer of treatment. Again, he may refuse at this juncture, but you have planted the seed. Hopefully, though, he will accept the offer to get some help.
Supporting Your Dad in Recovery
The family can be an important source of support for an alcoholic parent. When all family members unite with a common goal of wanting to provide a supportive environment, great things can happen. Consider these ways the family can support your dad in recovery:
1. Participate in family counseling. This helps family members express their feelings in a clinical setting where the therapist can guide the conversation toward positive outcomes. New communication skills and conflict resolution techniques can help the family move forward.
2. Remove all substances. Getting rid of all alcohol and other intoxicants includes items you wouldn’t usually think of, such as vanilla extract, hand sanitizer, or over the counter medications.
3. Establish healthy boundaries. Setting limits and clearly stating consequences is essential for the family as well as the recovering alcoholic. It may be difficult at first to set firm boundaries, but this will actually help the person in recovery resist falling back into former behaviors and risking relapse.
When your loved one is ready to commit to recovery, having a united family support plan will help all members of the family overcome the effects of this devastating disease.
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