At Times You Will Find Yourself Alone in life.
Deserted and forlorn by those dearest to you.
– Shakieb Orgunwall
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That piece is so beautiful and so descriptive of my life it is unreal. Especially these last ten years have been spent in solitary (what seems like confinement) time. People say that they want truth, authenticity, and realness, yet I’ve so often found they run as far an as fast from reality as possible. I do not know any other way to live, nor would I except in truth – and will accept nothing less, truth cannot hurt me. I’ve lost many because of the truth of either my emotions or just plain life itself. I’ve often not fully understood them in their running away – or in their denial. If I can see the truth – how can they not? How can perceptions be so distorted or so many yet visible? Is it merely a manner of intellect or intuition that separates us in the shattering of our minds? I have spent many an hour in the attempt to comprehend the loss of cherished loved ones who have walked away from my side, unwilling to conceive of an idea or concept so attainable caught in my mind’s eye. Entire relationships just tossed away because of truths that were unable to be uttered or accepted. Even at times with no action intended – but a reality present which was so vibrant for all to see. Perhaps it is I who grasps or grapples at such truths I at times can feel deep in my bones to be true am illuding myself somehow. I’ve lost so many souls I’ve loved through fear of one thing or another. Someone somewhere has to be at fault. I just lost another not long ago that mean the world to me. It felt this time as if I’d lost a part of my soul – a piece of myself I’d grown so accustomed to that felt more like home than ever before. Losing people nearly kills me, my sorrow so devastatingly raw. I’m so afraid that there’s going to come a time that I’m just going to stop allowing my heart to tender or respond to a human beauty, eloquence, and mind. The damage that’s been done just too much for me to handle again, too much turbulence as one comes neigh. Never loving my soulmate for the scars the abandoners have left. I have acquired the greatest of gifts from the one that was loved most high. He was the most difficult of losses, the most horrific of grievous that walked away. He ripped a part of me out as he left and took the answers with him as he went. Having healed me while he watched. I had trusted him most of all. He was my greatest gift. Giving me the love of self that I never thought I’d acquire, I abore that I had to lose him to obtain it. Still crazy about him at this very moment, I’d trade any day for his presence back. Life must go on. There’s less of an empty place in my heart because of what he taught me, and how he helped me heal. I will forever be grateful — as much as it hurts, I suppose at some point they all walk away.
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