Things The Zodiac Signs Don’t Want You To Find

ARIES – The hole they punched in their wall

TAURUS – Their trashy Netflix viewing history

GEMINI – Their throwaway Reddit account

CANCER – All the bitter texts they’ve drafted in their Notes app

LEO – The complaint email from the bar where they did an impromptu pole dance

VIRGO – The decades’ worth of old coupons they’ve been hoarding

LIBRA – The old underwear they wear when you’re not staying over

SCORPIO – Photos from their Zooey Deschanel phase

SAGITTARIUS – Their Google search history, full of references they faked, knowing offhand last night

CAPRICORN – That video of them drunk in high school

AQUARIUS – The childhood stuffed animal they still sleep with

PISCES – Their sugar baby profile