The Roller Coaster Ride

“If one day you wake up and you no longer care about me,” she says, “say so over our morning coffee and I will let you leave.”

“I will not ask you why. I will not ask you to stay one more night. I will give you a small smile to say that it is okay and that people lose feelings for all sorts of reasons and that I will survive.”

“So if it comes to it,” she says, “just say so. You should stay because you want to. You should leave if you need.”

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write 

Life with you has been a roller coaster ride. There are a lot of ups and downs. It has been an exciting, surreal, and wonderful ride with you but unlike any other ride whether we like it or not all rides have to come to its end, (because you can’t ride to a roller coaster all your life cause it will only make you sick.) And sadly, ours has come to an end.

It’s funny how I always force you to tell me the truth and when you finally spit it out, it breaks me. The truth hurts, indeed but in one way or another, I feel a kind of relief. I could finally set myself free from the betrayal, lies, and dramas that you have caused me.

You are right, I like running into troubles. You are absolutely right, that’s because I am only protecting what I thought is mine and I am not afraid to speak up my mind.  I’m sorry for being not good enough, for being not suitable to you like what you are always telling when I am being a nagger and when I always caught you off guard. I’m sorry for expecting too much from you, maybe I really did get my hopes too high and I depended my happiness on you cause I thought you are the man whom I could depend on and the man that I’ve been praying for but I was totally wrong.

As they say, trust is the most important thing in a relationship. A relationship without trust is like a car without gasoline, it would go nowhere. I hate to admit this, but I lost it a long time ago. I’m sorry if I lied. Sometimes, I ask myself. “Why would you do that?” “Why did you do such things” then part of me will answer “Maybe you really don’t want him in your life, because if you want to keep him, you wouldn’t do that in the first place. You know that he wouldn’t like it and he warned you many times. How could you do that? You said, you love him and you want to be with him for always. Aren’t you secured? Don’t you trust him?” And I couldn’t hide the crucial truth that YES, I DON’T TRUST YOU.  NOT ANYMORE. Part of me will say “Yes that’s it,  you don’t trust him anymore. He lied to you many times. Why are you still keeping him? Why are you still chasing him? You can’t be with someone who destroyed your trust. Have you noticed how you are acting lately? How agitated you are when he’s not calling. Every time, you’re thinking that maybe he’s with another girl. You couldn’t eat properly, you couldn’t sleep well at night.  You are getting sick. How about those things? Ask yourself, is he still good for you? Is it still healthy for you? Do yourself a favor. Cut him off. And move on.” Then I will just whisper to myself, “no matter how hard it is, no matter how our relationship would have gone wrong, giving up would never be an option. He lied because he has reasons, I don’t want to think that he broke my trust, maybe I’ve never really given my whole trust. Or it might be broken, I believe in the right time it would be whole again, no matter how long it takes. Because I love him. I love him so much. And you don’t give up on people that you love.”

A part of me will always want, need, and love you for always. I wouldn’t bother you anymore. This would be the last. I love you so much and it hurts. I honestly don’t know how to go on without you, you’d been my world since the day that I met you. Maybe God has a better plan for the both of us. And sadly, that means to be apart. not for a while. but forever.

I am leaving, and this time it is for real. Maybe you have issues with yourself and with your past. Same as you don’t want me- I don’t want to be with someone who always question himself if I am the right one or not. I don’t want to be with someone who has issues with himself. I don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally unstable and is complicated. I don’t need someone who doesn’t listen who doesn’t pay attention on the things that are bothering me. I’ve come to the point that I have nothing left to give. I am leaving because I am saving what is left from us. Thank you for everything. Thank you for awakening every bits of me. Thank you for showing me what love game is, thank you for showing me what are things that I shouldn’t look for a man. And most importantly, thank you for giving me a chance to find someone whom I truly deserve, someone who knows my worth and won’t take me for granted.I still believe that you are a wonderful person. And, I am still grateful to God for bringing you into my life. Maybe, I am really not good enough for you. I know that you are okay with or without me. Way to go! I’m giving up on you. I am wishing you well and I hope she’s really worth it.

The ride is over. You’ve already left. And I also have to. Thank you for being with me during the whole ride.