And Then She Danced

It’s hard for all of us. I think the part that makes it do-able, is focusing on what allows you to not only breathe but smile through it. And if you have the best intentions, it can be magical. Finding what brings you relief, even for a few minutes can make all the difference.

One of my favorite experiences with this was in a recent hellish winter in Idaho. Boise hadn’t seen a winter like this in thirty something years and I sure hadn’t had one growing up in the Arizona desert.

I had been given a gift on perspective when I least expected it. There is a balance between physical and emotional releasing.

I was able to witness and feel how expressing emotions are a good thing and there is more than one creative outlet.

Expressing myself has never been my strength. I can go zero to a hundred in two seconds. So learning what I have from my best friend has more often than not brought the relief I was dead sure only existed for others. It brought that magic I was pushing away for a long time.

She’s the professional dancer with all the sass and confidence that comes with the best of the best. Which means she can do both the physical and emotional. I’ve noticed just using one or the other doesn’t get me far.

This was at a time of chaos in our life. When any sort of healthy, normal release was being sought after/craved.  My best friend had mentioned a couple of times that day how she needed a studio with a mirror and needed to let it all out. She made a few calls, found one, and invited me to tag along.

Probably one of the greatest takeaways for me was the dramatic shift that happened.

How often are we caught up in our frustrations? Could it be we so painfully aware of the void we can’t seem to fill or we don’t know how to let out something else? We haven’t been able to communicate the chaos we have inside?

This was me growing up, always.

I am a former All-American athlete who also was considered a best. Passionate play turned into a full time job in college though and I fell out of love, hard.

Not the dancer. Dance seems to be one of those better with age things. So she lives her passion and still loves what she does.

Her technique, although flawless in my eyes, was not what knocked me into tears by the end of the second song.

‘Twas the shift we took together.

As an athlete, I learned to hide my emotions. I became a really convincing actor and a methodical suppressor. Even wore it like a medal I had won. Seemed to be taking first place like it was an event I was training for. So imagine my overwhelment and how quickly my heart raced after the transformation that happened all within 4 songs.

It was more than just being offered to watch. It was an offer to escape reality and see a genuine expression of passion. I pulled out my notebook when she was stretching and looking for music. Kinda hoping to uncover something worth discovering. But what actually transpired as she began, quickly demonstrated to be enlightening. This moment was forever burned into my mind. The parts that hadn’t been touched or uncovered by even my most curious adventurous self.

And Then She Danced:

I have felt panic and anxiety for my whole life.

I have felt depressed, unworthy, in the way, and like a problem.

I have felt exhausted, sad, crazy, hopeless, dissatisfied and bleak.

Irritated, angry, livid, abandoned and unloved.

I have felt flighty and confused.

I have felt wrong and selfish.

Disgusting, unmotivated, under appreciated, shame, and too much guilt for doing the right thing.

I have felt unlovable, immoral, suicidal, fucked up, scared shitless, shaky, fearful, rejected and crushed.

I have felt disengaged and unsuccessful.

Screwed over, unattractive, apathetic and doubtful.

I have felt all urges to numb, hide, run away, self destruct, sabotage, miscommunicate on purpose and give up entirely to find relief from all of this.

Tonight I felt free and liberated.

Free from the past and liberated of the future I obsessively keep myself awake with at night.

Surrendering to the here and now.

I felt passion and wonder. Lost in her gracious flow.

I felt peace and comfort in all of her movement.

I felt important, valued and included.

I felt an incredible amount a appreciation to be apart of such creative expression.

I felt drawn toward her radiant love and humble devotion for what she was doing.

I felt present. More awake than I have in years.

I felt reassured, hopeful, inspired and valuable.

I felt centered. Like there was an answer for all my chaos.

A way out of the numbness I often found myself in.

I felt cared for, trusted, protected and competent.

Stable and Solid.

I felt our friendship and connection.

The synergy and fun.

All simultaneously with the emotions of what she was actually feeling herself.

There was an intense sadness and deep struggle.

Subtle wounds and hints of betrayal in her song choice,

but forgiveness in every jump, every pop and every turn.

How was she doing this?!

She held my gaze

My breath

My Attention

She guided me through the story she was telling gently and all at once.

Communicating aggressively and intently.

All too knowing of the pain we can live.

I felt lucky to be apart of this.

Something that I thought only existed in books and movies.

Dreams and

I felt honored to witness such fearless, elegant, authentic power.

I felt how satisfying the someday was

It was in the here and now of this moment.

Allowing the specifics of what could be

To fill in the gaps of what should be.

This surrender brought the clarity of what it meant to let go.

My biggest tug of war during the first song was accepting the emotional journey she was taking me on.

Allowing myself to get vulnerable became the only way through.

Nobody has ever offered this space to me before.

Thank you for including me in such a meaningful place of your world.

For showing me the here and now.

There is nothing that I will ever be able to give you that comes close to this moment.

I couldn’t help thinking how you spend your time with the likes of me.

But you do!

Because you see the good in me I can’t.

And if the likes of you can see the likes of me,

Then who am I to dismiss so quickly.

I pray you never lose your connection.

So that whoever else is looking for it can be free too.

When she was done,

Satisfying her own intentions,

I don’t think she realized how much it did for me too.

We have all felt the not so fun emotions. We have all struggled to get in the here and now. The what isness of our current reality usually scares us because we tend to be looking in all the wrong places.

Dancing is supposed to make you feel something when you watch I guess. I had always had a physical outlet with sports but not the combination. It brought new inspiration and a new desire to find that for myself.

It became clear to me I had to find that part of myself the way she did for herself.

I decided to appreciate the love she demonstrated, even though I didn’t understand it.

Although in looking back it tends to be my favorite part; I didn’t have to understand…I just had to feel and let go with her.

It was another defining moment where I committed to myself.

I was not going to run and hide.

I wasn’t going to fight against what just happened.

I wasn’t about to let old patterns stop me from experiencing life with the most beautiful person I have ever encountered.

Just because what she has to offer is beyond anything I’ve ever known.

I guess the only part of all of this is I wish I could offer such a gift as this in return.

There were emotions that I hadn’t felt in a long time. She showed me a range of them I hadn’t touched in years.

I went from low vibration to high in a matter of minutes and most of them didn’t even have anything to do with me.

It was hers and she went for it.

 In doing so, it was genuine.

She was able to be both in and out of her comfort zone in showing me.

Expressing with out words and releasing it all not only for me to experience with her but to heal with her as well.

~

Creativity is one of the greatest forms of expression and there are people out there waiting for you to inspire them! To see you experience relief in the ways you enjoy the most. I didn’t know what I was missing until I saw my best friend dance. I didn’t know it was possible to be so vulnerable and create such powerful messages. To convey a story with such intimacy.

There are others like me out there waiting to find out what they are missing.

We want you to help us feel and help us find a new way of looking at things.

So get out there and be unapologetically you!

Express yourself the way you need to!

Don’t keep it all inside thinking that we don’t want to know your story…

I promise you there will be those who do want it.

Who do need to see you or hear you create where you want to be.

It’s in these moments where the magic thrives.