Addictions When I force myself

When the word ‘addiction’ is mentioned, most people automatically think of the horrible things that one can be subjected to and controlled by; but that’s not always the case. Think about it– things you can’t get enough of, or when it’s gone, you can’t wait to get your hands on or do it again; video games, drugs, soda, sex, music, gambling, adrenaline filled adventures. Depending on the person; an addiction can be physical (materials/being active), emotional (people/feelings) or mental (creative/mind altering);

So to get to the point, one good and one bad addiction that I harbor–

To start off with the negative, which I’m not proud of and falls into the mental addictions, is drugs. I have an addictive personality and I tend to grasp, leach, suction—whatever you want to call it—to anything I really enjoy and/or heightens my mood. I can honestly say I’ve never experimented with the party drugs– acid, ecstasy, mushrooms, etc; but I have had my share with enough to know they aren’t worth giving up the life I have now. Falling back and living with the heart-wrenching pain of never getting to achieve goals, not being a part of my kids’ lives, not having or being able to remember memories of them growing up and understanding the difference in truth and lie, isn’t worth any amount of mind altering, mood booster.

Some addictions and bad habits are absolutely breakable– if you have the personal drive, will-power (or self-discipline) and motivation for doing so. But no matter how badly someone wants or tries to help one with a negative addiction, the addict has to want it more than anyone else, for their self.

Now to turn it around and say my positive addiction and one that I am and can continue to be proud of, that also grew more into a way of life, is writing. For me, it’s the best way to express myself to the fullest and say exactly what I feel—but in a less harmful or hurtful way. When I miss a day of writing, or have writer’s block; which is unfortunately more often than not these days, I shut down. My addiction isn’t being fed and it puts me in a foggy slump; my purpose fades and my thoughts and mood are fiercely hindered.

When I force myself to finish a story, short or prompt, my mind drains, thoughts pour out through my fingertips, onto the computer screen and I start to notice a mood boost. It doesn’t have to be any sort of genre or specific writing piece; so as long as I’m focused and determined to write…and the more my fingers move, the better I feel.

I might take a day, two days, or a week hiatus from writing and I notice myself feeling cooped up, lost, or constantly in the clouds. Not because I have so many stories I’m thinking of needing to finish at the time, but because I closed off my outletthat addiction that I have to escape through words and tell a tale from my imagination or experience has been shut down and I strive off of that. But once I pick it back up, the words start flowing and my mind races with new ideas– and again, I feel like the writer I was born to be.

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