Category: Self Awareness

Self Awareness Self Development

Do you know how mature you are on an emotional level? Do you have the qualities of an emotionally mature person? And what does it mean to be emotionally mature?

Emotional maturity is an intrinsic quality that is important for a happy and successful life.

When you’re emotionally mature, you will maximize your resources, attract positive energy into your life, and build meaningful, lasting relationships.

We might be tempted to believe that emotional maturity depends on our biological age, but it mostly depends on the various experiences we have in life.

Today, emotional maturity has become indispensable for a better living. The more emotionally mature we become, the easier it is to accept changes and adapt to reality. You are better equipped to respond to the highs and lows of life.

What is Emotional Maturity?

Emotional maturity is a personality trait that allows you to understand and control your own emotions. Being emotionally mature, you can respond better to situations, self-regulate your reactions and behave in a calm and mature way when dealing with others.

It is an outcome of emotional development, emotional adjustment, and emotional stability that allows you to express emotions appropriate to your chronological age.

Emotional maturity is you control your emotions, instead of your emotions controlling you.

Signs You’re Emotionally Mature

Wondering if you’re emotionally mature? In this article, we are going to discuss the 15 key signs of an emotionally mature person.

1. You understand why people misbehave

Instead of finding faults and blaming others for their behavior, you understand that people are usually driven by their own anxieties and fears. You know that the world is not entirely black & white. You realize that people are complex and have many shades of grey. So instead of getting triggered or angry at their negative behavior, you pause and try to understand what they are actually trying to say.

2. You know you aren’t always right

You realize that you can make mistakes and get things wrong from time to time. You understand that you don’t have the right answers all the time. It’s easier for you to admit when you have made a mistake and apologize where it’s due.

3. You realize you’re unique, not special

You don’t think you’re special or better than others. You realize that all of us are unique in our own way. You are confident with who you are and appreciate your strengths and flaws. You understand we are all lost and scared, trying to do the best we can.

4. You don’t pretend to be the victim

You know that bad things happen in life but you also know that you can overcome them.

You don’t ask why nothing ever goes right with you and refuse to play the victim card as it will get you nowhere. Instead, you analyze the situation, understand your emotions and focus on moving ahead with positivity.

5. You appreciate imperfection

You know perfection is an illusion. You understand that we are all imperfect and you accept your flaws like you accept everyone else’s. You forgive people when they make a mistake instead of judging them. You know life is never perfect and that it can be frustrating. So you appreciate the good things you have and know that life is good enough.

Read Also, 8 Tips To Embrace Your Flaws And Fall In Love With Your Imperfections

6. You speak your mind

You realize people can’t read your mind and know what you are thinking and feeling automatically. You know that it is important to express yourself with the right words to be understood by others. You understand you need to say what you mean, what you want and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you every day.

7. You take positive action

You know talking is not enough. You need to walk the talk. You realize that positive thinking can help you get the right intentions, but only with positive action, you can get the results. You build relationships not by making hollow promises, but through your behaviors. You take time to evaluate situations and determine the best course of action.

8. You don’t fall in love easily

You realize that love and relationships are not the same. So you take more time to fall in love. You know everyone is flawed, just like you. You try to know a person before you let your feelings take over. You prefer the stability, compatibility, and connection of a healthy relationship over the dopamine rush of a crush.

9. You live mindfully

You don’t waste your valuable time thinking about the past or worrying about the future. Instead, you learn to live in the present moment as it is all you have. You appreciate what you have right now and realize that you’re already living your dreams. You see the infinite potential within you and trust the Universe to lead you where you need to go.

10. You create your own happiness

You know that happiness is not something we find, rather something we create. It is a mindset, an attitude that you cultivate. You choose to be happy and bring happiness in any situation. You realize that you can be happy even when you are pursuing a better life. Your happiness doesn’t depend on others. Happiness is a choice that you make every day.

Read Also, How to Be Happy with What You Have According To Psychology

11. You learn to compromise

You understand the value of making compromises. You realize that making sacrifices in life is important to move ahead and that it is a sign of strength, not weakness. You choose to settle in some areas and accept inconveniences as you know there is no such thing as a ‘perfect life’.

12. You don’t care about what others think

You aren’t really bothered or concerned about what other people think of you. Their judgments about you hold no value as you realize they themselves are flawed. You stop trying to make others like you as you and your loved ones are happy with who you are.

13. You start accepting criticisms

You realize that feedback and positive criticism can actually help you identify your weakness and evolve. Realizing that not everyone is trying to humiliate you, you start listening to criticism and learn to survive without taking every comment personally.

14. You realize your past shapes your future

You understand how your past experiences and trauma influence your responses and reactions to certain circumstances and events. You realize that you tend to overreact in certain situations due to your past experiences. You become suspicious of your feelings. You learn to control your initial impulses and pause before you respond.

15. You know you’re a survivor

You are learning to remain calm even in the face of adversity as you know deep down you will survive at the end of the ordeal, no matter what. Although things may change, you always have a ‘Plan B’ to endure even the harshest conditions. You realize sometimes being a survivor is more important than being a winner.

Are you emotionally mature?

Emotional maturity is the secret that enables happy and successful people to cope better with challenges and pressures to achieve the best results even in the face of adversity.

Although all of these signs may not hold true for you, these signs will help you identify to what extent you are emotionally mature.

The fact is, most of us have varying degrees of emotional maturity that allow us to control any situation tactfully and intentionally to live a happy and fulfilling life.

How many of the signs do you see in your own life? Share your experiences and views in the comments sections below.
Lifestyle Self Awareness Self Development
Having some structure in life is extremely important if you want to live a healthy, happy and productive life. Structure helps bring clarity and also helps you to build the confidence you need to live the life you have always envisioned for yourself.
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Key Points:
Pay attention to sleep, sugar, sweat, and silence to stay on a healthy track.
How we were raised greatly impacts our ability to create structure and care for ourselves.
Implementing some predictability and sense of control positively impacts your health.
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It is a well-known fact that people thrive with some degree of structure. Establishing some sort of rhythm or routine helps us feel safe, accomplished, and focused.

There are individuals who adopt a lifestyle that is highly structured and when it is challenged, can feel lost or unproductive. Others might implement some structure, but maintain a strong desire to live spontaneously and embrace the unpredictability of life.

Think back to your childhood. Did your caregivers establish a routine that encouraged independence, but also provided security? Did others around you take care of themselves physically and emotionally and which inspired you to do the same?

Or were you raised in an environment that was highly unpredictable or chaotic and unfortunately encouraged anxiety or uneasiness? If not, don’t fret, many of us regardless of how structured we were prior to 2020 have been incredibly challenged due to the unpredictability of the pandemic.

Regardless of whether or not you have your days completely mapped out or you are struggling to find your toothbrush in the morning, the 4 S’s (Sleep, Sugar, Sweat, and Silence) can be used as a guide to simplify the art of structuring yourself in a healthy, constructive way.

Remember, it is not about rigidity, but understanding what you need to thrive, feel safe, and build confidence.

Related: 9 Steps That Can Build Your Self-Confidence

The 4 S’s Of Structure

1. Sleep

Sleep is your ultimate reset and must be made a priority. Start by establishing a routine that does NOT include your device, sugar/caffeine, or intense/emotional conversations. You will begin to notice positive shifts in your patience, motivation, and mindset.

2. Sugar

Unfortunately, sugar is everywhere. It is highly addictive and incredibly difficult for most to limit or omit from their lives. Be mindful and begin to identify your behavior patterns. When do you typically crave and consume foods or drinks with sugar?

Protect your mornings and evenings and perhaps use these blocks of time as ‘no-sugar zones.’ What you put into your body and when, truly does impact your hormone levels, mood, and cognitive functioning.

3. Sweat

Some type of movement every day is key. Changing up our blood flow and increasing our body temperature has amazing effects on your body and mind. You don’t necessarily have to break a sweat every day.

Practicing yoga or participating in a step challenge can be just as effective. Your body is your sacred tool and on your team. Remember to nurture it daily!

Related: 9 Ways How Simple Morning Exercise Can Boost Your Productivity

4. Silence

Setting aside at least a few minutes every day without distraction positively impacts our mental health and ability to be present in life.

Whether you meditate, unplug from your device, or take a quiet walk, your level of self-awareness will increase. This alone time gives you an opportunity to reflect and connect with yourself which is so important and takes practice.

The past year or so has constantly reminded us of the fact that we ultimately do not have control over much. Our freedom lies in how we respond and how we attempt to care for ourselves. Focus on creating a structure and establishing boundaries that encourage hope and motivation, rather than stress and a sense of defeat.

I facilitate 6-week virtual female empowerment groups and will be launching another one in Jan. We will discuss topics such as: Resilience, Imposter Syndrome, Managing Stress and Anxiety, Maintaining Personal/Professional Boundaries, Giving and Receiving Feedback, and Preventing Burnout.

I am a mental wellness consultant and work with companies/organizations to create a culture that supports mental health and increasing productivity and connections within the organization. I have several different packages and am also willing to conduct one-off trainings or Q&As on a variety of topics around managing anxiety, preventing burnout, effective communication, and building resilience.
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Written By Leah Marone
Originally Published On Psychology Today
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Self Development Mental Health Self Awareness
What is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional Intelligence is your superpower to understand what others are feeling as well as your capacity to manage your behavior around them for successful relationships. So can you grow your emotional intelligence? Let’s find out!

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence is the intellectual power to identify and manage the emotions of others, as well as our own, and act tactfully in social situations. Although it is a fairly new practice to consider emotional intelligence (EI) and Emotional Quotient (EQ) as essential soft skills in corporate industries, the concept has been floating around since 1997, when John Mayer and Peter Salovey, two notable American psychologists first coined the term.

The American Psychological Association (APA) identifies Emotional Intelligence as ‘’a type of intelligence that involves the ability to process emotional information and use it in reasoning and other cognitive activities..’’.

Say your friend sends you a message on Friday night inviting you for lunch the following afternoon. You notice that she has made the plan at the 11th hour, giving you a very short notice, and she doesn’t even want to hang out after lunch. You deduce that her original plan must have got canceled or she just needs a company before her actual plan starts. You politely decline the offer by feigning an excuse but don’t give in to the temptation of confronting her directly. You read between the lines, identified the emotion, and managed your response well. This behavior on your part goes to show that you have a high level of emotional intelligence.

What Are Emotional Intelligence Skills?

According to the Mayer Salovey Model, an emotionally intelligent person is skilled in 4 areas:

1. Identifying Emotions

The first step for effective emotion management is to accurately identify emotions. An emotionally intelligent person is not only aware of their own thought processes, but can successfully pick up verbal and non-verbal cues to decode the emotions of others. A smile, a pause in dialogue, voice modulation, enunciation, all are emotional codes that need to be interpreted correctly for successful communication.

2. Using Emotions

The next step in the process is to use emotional signals to facilitate our thinking and cognitive activities. Once an individual with high EQ, identifies emotions, they use this emotional information to analyze and rationalize their decision-making processes. All our reasoning, problem-solving, and other high-level cognitive processes are influenced by how we use emotions.

3. Understanding Emotions

Here comes the tricky part. We all understand emotions, right? How difficult could it be? Think again! Our emotions change over time and all emotions are related to each other. One might get upset by getting a speeding ticket and project their frustration on someone else. An emotionally intelligent person successfully reads into the matter, understands where the emotion is misplaced, and responds accordingly.

Related: How to Better Understand Your Emotions and Be In Touch with Them

4. Regulating Emotions

This part of emotion management is considered to be of the highest importance. Properly responding to emotional triggers, both internal and external, depends on how well you identify, process, and understand emotional data. If you can regulate and manage emotions well, you will be able to understand and predict others’ behaviors, as well as have a better handle on your own feelings. As a result, you will ace all social situations and have exceptional interpersonal skills.

Goleman’s Model & Components Of Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Goleman, who popularized Emotional Intelligence in his several books, has linked Emotional Intelligence with leadership qualities. He extended Mayer and Salovey’s original model by formulating 5 components that constitute Emotional Intelligence:

1. Self-Awareness

This essentially means being aware of your own feelings and thought processes and realizing their impact on others. Going beyond merely identifying one’s emotions, as suggested by Mayer and Salovey, this particular tenet emphasizes acknowledging the effects that one’s emotions may have on others and taking full responsibility for them.

2. Self-Regulation

Working in the line of Using and Regulating Emotions, Goleman here speaks about managing one’s own emotional process and successfully predicting or foreseeing the effects these emotions may have on the surrounding environment.

3. Motivation

This concerns one’s attitude, behavior, and thought processes and the way they function after facing an obstacle. How we stride forward after meeting a roadblock on our way, in the form of rejection or failure, talks volumes about our resilience and comprises the 3rd component of our emotional intelligence.

4. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to perceive the feelings of others and to respond accordingly so that the other person feels acknowledged and validated. This trait is crucial for having advanced emotional intelligence skills. If you can understand when a person is happy, upset, or annoyed, without them telling you directly, you will master one of the most important facets of emotional intelligence skills.

Related: 27 Traits Of An Empath

5. Social Skills

This talks about managing our interpersonal relationships in personal, professional, and all other social situations. Being truly aware of the potential impact of our emotions, managing them appropriately, and successfully navigating others’ emotions, we can enhance our social skills and manage our relationships better.

What Are The Benefits Of Having Advanced Emotional Intelligence Skills?

Undoubtedly, it pays to have high-level Emotional Intelligence Skills. EI dominates our personal, social, and professional relationships, as well as our relationships with ourselves. Research suggests, when we are in control of our emotions and know how to manage others’, we surely reap certain benefits, some of which are mentioned below –

1. Fitting-In

By being able to successfully understand what others like and dislike, what motivates or upsets them, we can become popular in our social circles. After all, everyone loves a people person and you can be the glue that holds your clique together if you can read others’ emotions and manage yours well.

2. Manage Stress

Life is not easy, and in our day-to-day struggles, we have to confront a lot of negativities that make us lose our minds. However, if we can master the emotional intelligence skills, we will be better at many things, like identifying stressors, predicting our mood, evaluating the potential effect of our reactions, and will be able to manage our stress like a monk.

Related: 20+ Best Meditation Music For Stress and Anxiety Relief

3. Improved Family Life

We will be able to understand and reciprocate the emotional demands of our spouses much better if we apply the rules of EI in our everyday life. Not only that, a study shows that the high emotional intelligence of parents contributes significantly to the development of emotional intelligence in children. According to the research, ‘’The results extend the literature on the role of parents in the development of trait EI and confirm the relevance of trait EI for affect-related outcomes’’.

4. Career Advancements

Although there is no correlation between EQ and IQ, research supports that people with enhanced emotional intelligence skills tend to perform better in the professional world and successfully build and maintain strong connections with their superiors and colleagues. This finding further supports the notion that having high-level emotional intelligence skills helps with social and interpersonal relationships.

5. Health

As seen earlier, highly developed emotional intelligence skills help to manage unpleasant thoughts and feelings, including stress. Also, high EQ helps us to remain motivated after setbacks or in the face of adversities. This is why it has been found that emotionally intelligent people are more likely to maintain their emotional and physical health. They mindfully practice healthy habits which enable them to be in great shape. According to a study, ‘’Overall, the results are encouraging regarding the value of EI as a plausible health predictor’’.

Here Are A Few Practical Applications Of Emotional Intelligence In Our Daily Lives:
- Moving on with life after a tragic loss, such as a breakup, death, loss of employment, etc.
- Acknowledging mistakes and being open to constructive criticism.
- Being an open-self personality and communicating better.
- Saying no when you mean it.
- Reconciliation skills
- Being supportive and non-judgmental.
- Being approachable.
- Being able to focus on goals.
- Observation power.
- Listening skills.
- Problem-solving ability.
How To Develop Emotional Intelligence Skills?

There are numerous views on developing emotional intelligence. Some scholars even argue that emotional intelligence is a natural trait one is born with. Whatever be the case, following Goleman’s model of EI, we can strategize the following steps to boost our emotional quotient:

1. Contemplate

To be aware of your innermost thoughts and feelings, take out time and practice contemplating your emotions and actions. Trudge the muddy waters of ego and bias and go deep into your hidden subconscious. If you can develop a habit of daily contemplation, external triggers will not be able to overwhelm you easily.

2. Respond Don’t React

Before reacting to any situation, pause and reflect on your thoughts. Analyze your feelings and the situation first, and don’t be in a haste. Even if you are prompted to lash out in anger, check your emotions, and respond appropriately.

3. Engage in social activities

The more you engage yourself with social activities, the more you learn to read others’ behaviors and non-verbal communications. If you are an introvert and find it difficult to be around people, chances are you shy away from making new friends and attending events with big gatherings. But remember my friend, if you keep away from social situations, your emotional intelligence will not improve, continuing to keep you uncomfortable with others.

4. Observe and listen more

If you want to grow your empathy muscles, you need to start paying more attention to others. Listen intently when others are talking; watch out for the slight changes in voice modulation, observe body language, gestures, hand movements, etc. Gradually, you will be able to put yourself in their shoes and empathize with them.

5. Focus on positivity

Life will keep on challenging you, but you need to consciously train your mind to focus on the positive side of things, to be hopeful, to be optimistic. By emphasizing more on the opportunities than the challenges, you will be able to successfully motivate yourself and keep living in the solution, not in the problem. In this way, when you will find yourself in a pickle, you will easily manage your emotions and come off as a well put together person.

How Does Emotional Intelligence Impact Your Mental Health And Wellbeing?

We have touched upon the subject of the positive effects of EI on overall health earlier, now let’s find out how having a heightened EQ impacts our mental health specifically.

1. Self-Esteem

When you have a greater sense of self-awareness, you will better understand your own potential and worth. More importantly, you will identify what works best for you and set your standards accordingly. When faced with negative feedback or toxic behavior, you will neither lose your faith in yourself nor the sight of your goal. Research shows emotional intelligence skills are directly linked to life satisfaction and self-esteem.

2. Fellow-Feeling

Empathy not only makes you understand others’ points of view, but also instills a sense of belonging in you. Being able to identify with others promotes compassion and fraternity. This will empower you to exhibit a strong demeanor towards life, as you will know in your heart that you are not alone, there are many others in similar situations. You will draw inspiration from them and stride along the course of your life. According to a stu d y, regulating emotions and developing empathy can be an important metric to manage mental health.

3. Stability

Do you tend to jump the gun often? You might have heard the golden advice time and time again, ‘’Look before you leap’’; but you simply cannot do that. You give in to your impulse and land in trouble. We hear you! Being calm and level-headed in aggravating situations is not easy and it takes practice. One of the advantages of enhanced emotional intelligence skills is that you learn to pause and ponder on your response. As you know emotions are temporary, yet they can have irreversible effects on people sometimes, you tend to become more emotionally stable, especially during crises. A study proves EI and emotional stability are crucial for dealing with health and general stressful events.

4. Well-Being

People with emotional intelligence skills can manage their emotions as well as the emotions of others. This trait makes them more successful in their personal and professional life. Emotionally intelligent individuals can cope with life adversities better and maintain an overall positive approach towards life. As a result, they are less susceptible to issues like depression, anxiety, burnout, panic disorder, etc. A study has proved ‘’the positive correlation of emotional intelligence on mental health’’.

Signs Of Poor Emotional Intelligence Skills:
- Frequent mood swings.
- Tendency to have outbursts or emotional breakdowns in public.
- Not being able to see things objectively.
- Being impulsive.
- Not being able to accept rejection.
- Fixation or obsessiveness.
- Being awkward around people
- Not being able to understand the needs of others.
- Pessimism
Know Yourself To Know Others Better

It is not a character flaw to have poor emotional intelligence. If you are dealing with any of the emotional distresses discussed here, don’t blame yourself for not having high emotional intelligence skills. This article is simply a guide towards the role emotional intelligence plays in our lives. You can practise the tips given here for sharpening your emotional intelligence skills. You can also talk to a trusted friend or a mental health professional to better understand your emotions.
Self Development Self Awareness Self Love
If you have ever wondered “how can I love myself unconditionally?”, then remember that embracing self-love is a journey where kindness is a constant companion. Let’s explore how you can learn to love yourself unconditionally and unlock the path to genuine happiness.

Loving yourself is an inside job.

Far too often, we trick ourselves into believing that “when I have this, I’ll feel better about myself. When they love me back, I’ll love myself too. When I get the car, the job, the salary, the partner, the ideal weight, I’ll love myself.” But it doesn’t work like that.

Most of us know the line, “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” Well, I completely disagree with this statement. First of all, who says? Always question your sources. Second of all, how many of you have struggled with self love and yet felt such raw and unrequited love for another person?

Related: When You Start Healing Yourself, The Rest Will Fall Into Place

How You Can Love Yourself Unconditionally?

For the parents reading this post, ask yourself this: Are you unable to love your children when you feel as though you don’t love yourself? Does your love for them dwindle as you get tied up in your own shame and low self-worth?

I’m assuming your answer is no. You continue to love them unconditionally.

Let’s look at an individual with low self-worth, for example. He or she may love others strongly, too strongly perhaps, to the point where they put the other person on a pedestal and require their love and validation to feel okay about themselves.

How about the person who’s sitting in shame and self-loathing right now, but has an infinite amount of love for their parents, their siblings, their friends, their significant other, or an ex?

We may be able to love others if we don’t love ourselves, but we don’t know how to love healthily.

When I was in my 20s (I still am, by the way, but I’m nearing 30 now), I put so much of myself into my relationships. A part of me had always felt inherently flawed; that I was too much, too little, not enough, or excessively “difficult.”

I told myself I was difficult to date because I think and feel things deeply. Because I seek to dive below the surface to better conceptualize a person, situation, or life itself. I shamed myself for not being able to live on the surface of life, skimming the shallows, and not needing to explore the deep end like so many people I know.

I absolutely did not love myself. I didn’t have many reasons to; I was consistently lying, manipulating, and by no means cultivating self-esteem. I was seeking externally to fill internally. (Pro tip: to have self-esteem, start by doing esteemable things.)

I did, however, love the people I dated.

Related: Self Abuse: 7 Ways You Can Stop Abusing Yourself And Practice Self Love

I don’t believe in looking back at our past selves and shaming them for not knowing enough or not feeling as intensely as we thought we were. Everything I felt back then was real. Everything I feel now is real.

I change, the lens through which I look at life changes, but the feelings stay as real as I believe them to be.

Here’s the kicker: I didn’t love myself, and therefore I was unable to accept love.

Brief Recap

If we don’t love ourselves, we can actually still love others. If we don’t love ourselves, we cannot accept love from others. I’ve quoted this over and over in my posts, but this will always be my favorite line: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” –The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I can give love all I want, but I can’t accept it if, at my core, I don’t believe I’m worthy of it.

If I were to ask you if you love yourself right now in this very moment, how would you answer? No prefaces, no caveats, no BS details about why. Yes or no. Do you? If you don’t, what’s blocking you?

Second question: Do you believe you’re worthy of love, affection, and belonging? Again, if the answer is no, then why?

For me, my self-worth was contingent on the fragile and ever-changing state of my relationships. I found worth in academic success, in athletic accolades, and most of all, in the way people looked at me and felt about me. It was all rainbows and sunshine until I got rejected. I felt like a queen until I was broken up with or denied.

Do you rely on validation in your relationships? I certainly used to. How can you give yourself validation, affection, love, attention, and belonging? What can you do for yourself, not contingent on anyone else?

This has absolutely been the key to my finding and accepting love. It begins and ends internally. The relationships I have today are a wonderful byproduct of the relationship I continue to cultivate with myself. And I do that by prioritizing myself.
- I say “no” a lot more now.
- I practice healthy boundaries in all of my relationships (to the best of my ability).
- I fall short on a daily basis and forgive myself for being human.
- I refuse to allow my shame narratives that tell me I’m not good enough or too much.
- I journal on an (almost) daily basis, and always include gratitude and affirmations.
- I laugh at myself!
- I ask for help.
- I try to remain teachable every moment of every day.
- I find room for growth and fill it with self love and compassion.
- I try my darndest to practice what I preach, so as to not throw myself into a state of hypocrisy and cognitive dissonance.
- I acknowledge the flaws, embrace them, lean into them, and write them all out on here.
Because what I’ve learned above all else, is that human beings connect via their imperfections, not the social media highlight reel of their life which sends each of us into a state of an emotional and isolating abyss.

Give yourself the gift of self love. You can’t accept anyone else’s love if you don’t believe you’re worthy of it, anyway. Stop seeking outside of yourself for anything to fill the gaping void inside of you that only you can fill.

Related: 5 Ways To Improve Your Relationship With Yourself

You are worthy. If you’re still reading this very spontaneously written piece, that means that you’re still seeking some answers.

Never forget, though, that everything you are looking for is inside of you already. Your job is to find out what’s blocking you from tapping into that internal light and love. And smash it with a hammer.

Because today, I love myself. Fully and completely. And I invite you to give yourself the chance to feel the same about yourself. It’s really quite nice.

Want to know more about unconditional self love, and how to love yourself unconditionally? Check this video out below!
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Written By Hannah Rose
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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Self Awareness Self Development Self Love
“Stop comparing yourself with anybody. Compare yourself with yourself, for yourself, and by yourself. We are uniquely pottered and purposed by our maker!” – Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

How many times a day do we compare our insides to someone else’s outsides?

Whether I was with my friends, in a work environment, with my family, or in public surrounded by strangers, I used to almost always be comparing myself to the people around me.

If I saw someone who looked “successful,” I would automatically assume that they “have it all together” and that they don’t ever struggle with the same basic human tendencies that I can fall prey to. I didn’t know at the time that “success” is relative; one can have money and no self-love, tons of self-love and no career, and every other pairing that there is.

I used to compare my relationship to everyone else’s, wondering if they were happier than we were. I used to wonder if they experienced fear, doubt, or pain in their relationships. I would see reels of social media highlights and wonder how those couples looked so good. I seldom thought about what might be going on behind closed doors.

Related: How To Know If You’re Being Too Hard On Yourself

I compared my level of education, area of study, and career accomplishments. I looked at my blog and told myself I haven’t written a book yet, so I really haven’t done anything. I used to get in my car in the morning and wonder how people work for themselves or start their own business and get to make their own schedules (update since I first wrote this article: I’m about to embark on the journey of self-employment with my private practice)!

All of these comparisons would ultimately eclipse the gratitude and self-efficacy I had for who I was. But what didn’t I see?

I didn’t see the massive amount of work and fear that goes into success, whatever that means to a person. I didn’t see the fear, self-doubt, and small failures along the way. I didn’t see the tears and the sweat and the number of hours that someone put into their journey. I didn’t see the sacrifices they may have had to make to get to where they are today.

To me, success has to begin internally.

I once heard a yoga teacher say at the end of a rigorous class while laying breathless and corpse-like on my mat, “Gratitude is not a byproduct of happiness. Happiness is a byproduct of gratitude.”

Related: 15 Things You Should Stop Doing To Yourself

I needed to spend less of my life convincing myself that once I completed this or got that, I would feel more whole. I needed to let go of the notion that other people were better or worse than me. In the words of Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.”

So what does comparing do for us? Comparing ourselves, belittling our worth, or minimizing our strengths can validate our core irrational beliefs that ultimately we are not good enough, we are unworthy, or we are not reaching our peak potential.

What would it look like for us to take each other off of pedestals? To stop assuming that everyone else is better or worse than us and recognizing that we are simply all on the same journey? To acknowledge that we are both all the same and all unique, at the same exact time?

To do this, try to bring a level of mindfulness to your internal narrative:
- What areas of life are you comparing yourself to others the most?
- What is lacking in your own life that you would like to expand?
- What would it be like for you to stop putting other people on pedestals and instead let them come crashing down to the beautiful mess that is the human experience?
For me, I think there is a level of security and safety in believing that there are people who “have it all together.” It scares me to think that most of us have no idea what we’re doing, and simply doing the best we can with what we have. It’s terrifying to imagine that no one has all of the answers and that it is ultimately up to me to make my own path.

Even though it doesn’t feed my ego to put myself down, there is a part of me that can still cling to the self-destructive tendency of believing I’m “not as good” as someone else. I will continue to pour fuel on this unworthy fire if I continue comparing myself to others.

What does comparing do for you? Is it feeding a maladjusted belief that you aren’t worthy? Instead of looking up and out, try looking in. You are enough.

The reality is that there is nothing outside of you that can fill the internal void inside of you. Believe me, I’ve tried. Relationships, money, careers, approval from others, and so on. None of it works.

True self-love begins and ends internally. The gifts we receive in our lives, or the gifts that we work tirelessly for, are wonderful byproducts of the work we do internally. Stop seeking externally. Stop comparing yourself to others.

Related: If You Don’t Believe In Yourself, Who Will?

If I’ve learned anything as a therapist, it’s this: Everybody has their secrets. Everybody has their pain. Everybody compares themselves to others. Some more than others, but we all do it. It is the human condition, and it doesn’t have to keep being this way.

Be mindful of your narrative. Acknowledge your strengths. Forgive yourself for being human, and start walking each other home.
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Written By Hannah Rose  
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today  
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Love Marriage Romantic Relationship Self Awareness Toxic Relationship

Being married to the love of your life is one of the most beautiful feelings ever. However, making a marriage last and making sure that it stands the test of time can sometimes prove to be a challenge; maybe a good kind of challenge, but a challenge nonetheless.

When you’ve tied the know with someone, there’re a few issues that can cause some serious marriage problems, unless both of you handle them well and share the same goal – having a healthy relationship with each other.

Even though these issues can bring a fair bit of tension to your relationship, trying to resolve them together by understanding each other can help you build a stronger relationship in the long run. It all depends on you and your partner, whether you’re letting your problems drive a wedge between you two or using them to come closer to each other.

In order to make sure that both of you are dealing with your marriage problems and resolving them in a healthy way, you need to know what’s really causing them. What exactly is causing problems between you two, and why? Where is it coming from? And most importantly, how can you defeat these problems and make sure they don’t end up ending your marriage?

Related: 6 Mistakes You Might Be Making In Your Relationship Right Now

5 Common Causes Of Marriage Problems And How To Resolve Them

1. Lack Of Communication.

This is probably the biggest reason behind marriage problems, and if not resolved at the right time can end up destroying your marriage for good. Negative communication and worse still, lack of communication is the source behind so many issues plaguing married couples today. Research by John Gottman suggests that couples who negatively communicate with each other have a higher chance of divorcing.

Open, honest and transparent communication is the key to a happy marriage. No matter what the situation might be, never resort to stonewalling or avoiding each other because you feel it’s ‘impossible’ to talk to them at that moment. But you need to do exactly that – talk. Talk to each other and tell each other what is bothering you or hurting you or making you angry. Unless both of you communicate with each other about your feelings, the same issues will keep on plaguing your marriage.

2. Financial Issues.

Not being on the same page when it comes to finances is another common problem that almost every married couple faces. And why does this one thing cause so many problems, you ask? It’s because whenever money is involved, especially if you are locking horns over it, unknowingly you’re engaging in a kind of power struggle with each other.

And even if that’s not the reason, you and your partner might have different opinions about how to handle your finances and that can be a source of friction.

Money can be a sensitive topic to navigate, but you need to realize that in order to have a healthy and stable marriage, you need to be on the same page. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to think alike all the time, rather it’s more about considering the other person’s financial decisions and trying to understand where they are coming from.

Don’t let financial issues and money stress destroy your marriage.

Related: How To Keep Your Marriage Happy: 5 Things To Do And 5 Things Not To Do

3. Not Being Able To Find Time For Each Other.

Life has become busier than before, hasn’t it? Work, kids, family, household chores…the responsibilities just don’t seem to end, and because you’re always busy with something or the other, you can’t seem to spend some quality time with your spouse. Spending quality time with each other is very important for having a happy and healthy marriage, and a lack of it can give rise to a host of marriage problems.

If you have extremely busy schedules and hardly spend alone time with each other, then it will just make you feel more disconnected from your spouse. The more you disconnect, the more you will fight with each other, since your understanding and compatibility are getting affected. You might fight with each other over your responsibilities, and end up making matters worse; both of you are already under a lot of stress, and this just adds to the pressure.

Responsibilities are important. Your career is important. Household chores are important. But so is your marriage. Both of you need to give your marriage the time, respect, and attention it deserves. Find time for each other even when you’re busy because having a happy marriage is only going to make your life better and you should give it an equal priority as your career and the other important things in your life.

4. Raising Children Can Take A Toll On Your Marriage Sometimes.

Raising children is a very rewarding experience, as many parents will agree. But it can be exhausting too, and not to forget, challenging. Kids can bring about a host of marriage problems and stress in both your lives. Thinking about your children’s well-being, and doing your best to give them a good life can sometimes prove to be quite emotionally and physically draining; taking care of your children and constantly trying to be a good parent can take a toll on you after some time.

Both of you might have different opinions on parenting, and what your child needs to have a happy and stable life, and honestly? That’s okay! What matters is both of you want what’s best for your child. If you are disagreeing about something, it’s not you vs your spouse, rather it’s both of you vs the problem. Always remember that.

Having children can also make it hard for you to spend some alone time with each other, and unless you work on it, this can turn out to be a huge problem. Raising your kid is important, but so is your marriage. When you are making time for your children, no matter how busy you are, do the same for your marriage too. This will not just help your relationship, in the long run, it will also teach your kids the importance of cultivating healthy relationships.

Related: Are You Ignoring Your Marriage Because You Are Too Busy Parenting?

5. Toxic Habits And Negative Thought Patterns.

Nobody in this world is perfect, and everybody has some bad along with the good, including you and your spouse. It’s okay to be imperfect but what is not okay is when you refuse to work on your bad habits and negative thought patterns, despite knowing that it’s causing marriage problems in your life. One of the key pillars of having a healthy marriage is working on the toxic habits that are threatening to disrupt your relationship, and if you don’t take it seriously, it will actually end your marriage.

If both of you meet each other halfway, by trying to understand how your negative actions are affecting the other person, then you will be able to work through any marriage problem that might crop up. When you vow to spend your life with someone, it’s important to think about how your actions are impacting them, instead of stubbornly sticking to them just because it makes you happy (albeit for a very short time!).

For example, if you are someone who likes to drink and your partner feels that you should cut back on it, then try to understand where they are coming from. At the end of the day, binge drinking is a bad habit and is not going to help you in any way, rather it can cause more problems in your marriage.

If your partner spends too much time on social media, even when they are with you, then be open about it and tell them how annoyed and alone it makes you feel. Make them understand why it’s bothering you and how you’ll appreciate it if they could stop doing that.

Want to know more about how you solve your marriage problems and build a happy marriage? Check this video out below!

Marriage problems are common and every relationship goes through its share of ups and downs, but the silver lining here is that all of these problems can be sorted by you both. Just because it’s plaguing your marriage now, that doesn’t mean it has to plague you forever.

Understand each other, listen to each other, and most importantly, respect each other and vow to work on all your marital problems together as a team and with an open mind. No marriage is perfect, but it can be a stable and healthy one if you want.
Psychology Self Awareness
Why do many people staunchly defend their opinions and beliefs even in the face of overwhelming evidence that their ideas and views are totally incorrect? Why it’s hard to change people’s minds? Why even facts don’t change our minds?

One explanation is the common phenomenon of cognitive dissonance.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance And Why It’s Hard To Change People’s Minds?

Cognition is simply thinking and reasoning. It is the mental process of acquiring knowledge and understanding through thought, reason, analysis of information, and experience. Dissonance is a musical term that means a lack of harmony among musical notes, but can also mean a tension or clash that results from disharmonious or contradictory components.

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence introduced to that person. To reduce the psychological discomfort, the person will have to change either their mind or their behavior so that the inconsistency or contradiction is resolved, thus restoring mental balance and emotional harmony. That is cognitive consonance.

Hence, people continually reduce their cognitive dissonance to align their beliefs with their actions, thereby maintaining psychological consistency and feeling less mental stress.

This phenomenon, first described by Leon Festinger in 1957, helps explain why so many people will vigorously defend, excuse, justify, and keep their sacred beliefs even when confronted with irrefutable proof they are wrong.

There are several ways that people reduce their mental tension when their behavior and their available information clash. In psychology, it’s called “dissonance reduction.” Here’s an example that involves a person who is trying to lose weight and eat a healthier diet, yet is eating cookies they’ve learned are full of trans fats, sugar, and are high in calories.

Related: Why You Are Frustrated And Angry All The Time: 5 Psychological Reasons

What Can Change People’s Minds – Tips To Reduce Cognitive Dissonance

To reduce dissonance, the person can:

1. Change their behavior or belief so that it’s congruent with the new information. For example, “I’ll stop eating these cookies because they’re full of unhealthy fat and sugar and won’t help me lose weight.”

2. Justify their behavior or belief by changing the conflicting cognition. For example, “I’m allowed to cheat on my diet every once in a while.”

3. Justify their behavior or their belief by adding new cognitions. For instance, “I’ll go to the gym more often to work off the cookies.”

4. Ignore or deny information that conflicts with their existing beliefs. For example, “These cookies are not really that unhealthy, high in sugar or fattening.”

As a currently relevant example, consider that incontrovertible proof has been discovered that Donald Trump has lied, cheated, stolen, and committed very serious crimes that most people would face significant jail time for. What’s more, he has implemented policies that are hurting many people who voted for him.

Nevertheless, a great many people who voted for Trump vigorously defend their choice, despite the tremendous amount of credible, incriminating information about him that has come to light since November 8, 2016. Information that had they been aware of before then, might have dissuaded some from casting their ballot the way they did.

Related: Perception Vs Reality: 7 Things To Keep In Mind

In practice, here is how the people who voted for Trump reduce their cognitive dissonance when confronted with an ever-increasing amount of highly disturbing facts about him:

1. Change their behavior or belief by integrating the conflicting information into their worldview. For example, “I will no longer support our current leadership, and I will vote differently in the next election.”

2. Justify their behavior or belief by changing the conflicting cognition. For example, “The president is doing what’s best for the country and is the victim of a political witch hunt.”

3. Justify their behavior or their beliefs by adding new cognitions. For instance, “The president is a successful businessman and must know what he’s doing—he’s just too smart for most people to understand.”

4. Ignore or deny information that conflicts with their existing beliefs. For example, “All that stuff is just ‘fake news,’ and you can’t trust it.”

The Bottom Line

When there is a conflict between our attitudes and our behavior, we tend to change our attitudes to make them consistent with our behavior rather than change our behavior to make it consistent with our attitudes.

Ideally, people would be rational beings who consistently adjust their beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors to align them with new information that is essentially incontrovertible. But that is not the case. Indeed, there are many who still maintain that the earth is flat; or only 6,500 years old; that vaccines are a health hazard; that evolution is a falsehood; or that climate change is a hoax.

Unfortunately, many people are unwilling to change their worldview to account for new information that contradicts their cherished beliefs. Instead, they reduce dissonance by justifying their outlook rather than by changing their minds or behaviors. If science worked the way many people do, we would still be living in caves and dying in our 30s. But at least the planet’s ecological health would be vastly better—even if humans’ wasn’t.

Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!

Related: 25 Amazing Psychological Facts That Will Boggle Your Mind

Copyright 2018 by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. This post is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance or personal mental health treatment by a qualified clinician.

Let us know your opinions in the comments below!
Feel free to share this post with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.
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References:
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. California: Stanford University Press.
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Written by: Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
Republished with permission 
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Anxiety Self Awareness Self Development
“I still have a little impostor syndrome… It doesn’t go away, that feeling that you shouldn’t take me that seriously. What do I know? I share that with you because we all have doubts in our abilities, about our power and what that power is.” – Michelle Obama4g
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Key Points: 
Imposter syndrome is a mindset that develops from deep-rooted insecurities.
Altering our mindset, redefining success, and changing how we talk about ourselves can help combat imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome can lead to self-sabotage and perpetuate anxiety because of the strong need to be validated by others.
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Imposter syndrome is another buzzword that has been circulating on social media and in conversation, especially over the past few years. Simply put, imposter syndrome is the antagonizing thought or fear that you are not capable, worthy, or “good” enough to fulfill a certain role or be included in a particular group.

It is not classified as a psychological disorder, but rather a mindset that develops from deep-rooted insecurities. It can lead to self-sabotage and perpetuate anxiety because of the strong need to be validated by others. Thought processes and behaviors associated with imposter syndrome were once thought to predominantly affect women, but they can affect anyone, particularly during major transitions in life when unpredictability is high.

Thought patterns associated with imposter syndrome include:
- People can see through me.
- I’m a fraud.
- What makes me think I am qualified for this role?
- I don’t know how to complete this process from start to finish so I shouldn’t even start.
- Everyone has more experience than me.
- I am not worthy.
- Why did I originally think I could do this?
- I need someone else to encourage me or structure me.
- I should just wait until I feel more confident and capable.
Related: 5 Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging Your Prosperity

One’s personality type and upbringing can greatly affect the likelihood of developing the thought patterns associated with imposter syndrome. For example, if you were raised in an environment that predominantly celebrated achievements and associated self-worth with winning or progressing to the next level, you will more than likely be drawn to this type of structure as you age.

The issue for most though, is that this concrete structure tends to fade as we enter into adulthood. Many individuals who were raised in an environment that followed the traditional path of academia, experience a quarter-life crisis in their early 20s.

Friendships change, academic frameworks are gone, grades are not given, extracurriculars and athletic teams are not easily accessible. We are challenged to create our own structure and integrate it into new activities in order to feel connected and validated.

Our society tends to value and glorify concrete, visible achievements that embody some version of competition, like one’s job title or material possessions. Let’s not discount the incredible amount of effort it takes to nurture relationships, maintain mental and physical health, and cultivate a lifestyle that is balanced and fulfilling.

These individualized efforts are so impressive, simply because they require a steady dose of internal validation and consistency. These commitments will typically not result in a pay raise or an award, the motivation is fueled internally and by the desire to positively impact the lives of those you are most connected to.

Rewire Your Thinking

1. When someone acknowledges you or gives you a compliment, simply reply with a “thank you.” Refrain from answering with “thanks, but it was just luck” or in a way that degrades you and your efforts. This may feel awkward at first, but it will get easier and you will begin to break the habit of downplaying your efforts and achievements.

2. Be mindful of how and why you are sharing information about yourself. Avoid statements that slyly reel someone in and encourage her to say something that will boost your ego. This tactic will probably result in a compliment, but the feeling that it generates is fleeting and in reality, does not fill the internal void.

This void will only begin to fill when you commit to believing in yourself and adopting a lifestyle that embraces the idea that success is a process that requires embracing risk and creating reasonable expectations.

Related: 12 Things You Can Do To Build Your Self-Esteem: A Step-By-Step Guide

3. Friendly competition can be incredibly empowering and motivating, but operating mainly through a competitive lens creates an intense amount of pressure and can lead to feelings of inferiority. Surround yourself with people who seek to collaborate and celebrate the growth associated with wins and setbacks.

4. Practice sharing statements that begin with, “I am proud of my efforts in…” or “It has been really satisfying to…” This framework encourages internal validation and omits the need, desire, or reliance for someone else to praise or affirm you. It is not categorized as bragging and prevents you from degrading someone else in order to feel validated.

5. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Now more than ever we are exposed to snapshots of others’ lives. We can easily fall victim to the “grass is greener” trap. Remove the idea that success is concrete or that it has a clear-cut finish line.

The achievements of others are simply that, the experiences that someone else can claim as part of their journey. They are not threats and should not be viewed as a means to derail you. There is plenty of space for all of us.

6. Start by redefining what the word success means to you. Think of it as a process rather than a defining moment or achievement. Success is a journey, one that requires vulnerability and deliberation. It embodies the desire to keep pushing forward as you validate your efforts.

As humans, we are designed to feel an array of feelings and generate extensive thought patterns. It is these abilities that enable us to discover and embrace what works best for us as we progress through life.

Related: How To Get Motivated To Do Anything? 4 Word Formula

The next time you are asked about your greatest success, try replying with a statement that omits the pressure or concrete measurements often associated with success. Perhaps you answer the question like this, “I’m still on my journey. I am proud of my achievements along the way, but it’s the setbacks that have really encouraged the most growth.”

Enjoy the process and don’t forget to take up space.

I facilitate 6-week virtual female empowerment groups and will be launching another one in Jan. We will discuss topics such as: Resilience, Imposter Syndrome, Managing Stress and Anxiety, Maintaining Personal/Professional Boundaries, Giving and Receiving Feedback, and Preventing Burnout.

I am a mental wellness consultant and work with companies/organizations to create a culture that supports mental health and increasing productivity and connections within the organization. I have several different packages and am also willing to conduct one-off trainings or Q&As on a variety of topics around managing anxiety, preventing burnout, effective communication, and building resilience.
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Written By Leah Marone 
Originally Published On Psychology Today 
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Quiz Self Awareness
Wondering what makes a man attracted to you on a date? A man can be attracted to a wide range of things from your smile, sense of humor, beauty or confidence. This fun quiz is exactly what you need if you really want to know the answer.

Here are 5 things men are attracted to:

1. Sense of Style

While your sense of fashion is not an important aspect of a relationship, however, if you want to attract a man or you both have just started dating, having a sense of style is essential. A well-dressed woman can captivate a man’s attention.

2. Sense of humor

A person who lacks a good sense of humor is uninteresting and boring to date. We all enjoy being with someone who is entertaining and can make you laugh. Many guys find it highly attractive when a lady can crack jokes and make a crowd laugh.

3. Career-oriented

While men may not admit it, successful women are incredibly sexy to them. Women with careers appear attractive for a variety of reasons, ranging from financial stability to career aspirations. It gives them comfort to know that their ladies are not relying on them.

4. Confidence

A confident woman is self-sufficient and capable of dealing with any situation in her life. While dating in the long run, a man may even rely on his companion and feel secure. Hence, nothing attracts a man more than a woman with a strong sense of self-worth.

5. Appearance

The first thing that a guy notices about a girl is how she looks. However, that is not the only aspect that draws men’s attention. Relationships are not solely dependent on physical appearances, thus, other factors such as personality or sense of humor play a significant role in attracting men.

Take this fun quiz!

This is a simple test that will enable you to find answers about why men are attracted to you in just a few minutes. So what are you waiting for?

Click Let’s Start!

So did you find out what makes men attracted to you? Share your results with your friends.

You may also like
Depression Mental Health Self Awareness Self Development Self Love
Human beings are wired for connection on every level. Physically, we crave the comfort of a warm, nurturing body from the moment we leave the womb. Mentally, we are taught and conditioned to seek opinions, advice, and guidance from others. Emotionally, we crave connection, intimacy, and the feeling of being seen and heard by others.

So what happens when we feel as though we have been stripped of connection? Loneliness sets in.

The feeling of loneliness can exist in us even when we are surrounded by people. We can be in the midst of a crowded room, we can be the life of the party, we can be on a stage in front of our peers, and yet feel incredibly lonely.

Loneliness and being alone are two different emotional states. We can feel lonely even in the confines of our intimate relationships. We can lay in the same bed as our partner and feel the weight of loneliness grip our psyche, our soul, and our hearts.

Related: The Other Side Of Lonely

So how do we deal with, work through, and cope with loneliness? We need to first acknowledge that it’s there.

We can feel lonely in a myriad of experiences. The most overtly processed experience of loneliness is the one that follows a painful breakup. Heartache is an incredibly painful emotion to endure. We have an internal narrative that may feed us lies about our self-worth. We may also have a tape of negative self-talk trying to convince us that we will never find love, that we will never be happy, and that we are inherently flawed due to not making this relationship work.

In this case of loneliness, the first step is to notice what’s there. When we bring a level of mindfulness (non-judgmental awareness) to our internal narrative, it sets in motion a process that can prevent driving ourselves into a shame spiral.

Often, post-breakup, we slide into a slew of negative self-talk. Not only are we feeling lonely, but we often shame ourselves for not being “good enough.” We must ask ourselves, “Am I perceiving this situation realistically, or am I shaming myself to find meaning behind this pain?”

Maybe we feel angry because being angry is easier than feeling the weight of the pain we are experiencing. This negative self-talk and self-directed anger compound the intensity of our loneliness.

We must first become aware of what we’re feeling. Then, we must accept that we’re feeling that way. Rather than radically trying to change it, we learn to accept it, embrace it, and then begin to nurture ourselves. As humans, we have a hard time with self-compassion. Loneliness requires self-compassion so that we can provide ourselves with the nurture and care that we aren’t receiving from others.

It’s important to note here that, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” This is a quote from Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and it definitely rings true. Rather than digging a hole in our loneliness and getting comfortable there, we can begin to take a realistic look at what went wrong in the relationship.

Related: How To Stop Feeling Lonely

Did we self-sabotage? Did we try to change ourselves to make it work? Are we feeling lonely because we miss the person, or because we miss the idea of being in a relationship? These are important questions to ask ourselves.

Loneliness doesn’t only stem from heartache. We can also feel lonely amongst our friends, our coworkers, or our peers. Loneliness can stem from a lack of authenticity in our relationships. If we feel as though our peers don’t truly know us, that they don’t see the “real me,” or that they misunderstand us, this may be a reflection of our own lack of authenticity.

Living our authentic truths can be incredibly difficult, especially if we struggle with a lack of self-worth and with an abundance of shame. This internal incongruence can lead to feelings of loneliness in all aspects of our lives.

Perhaps we are trying to maintain relationships and friendships with people that we don’t actually like! This sounds absurd, but it is often true. The sad truth is that many of us would prefer to be around people who we don’t like than not to be around people at all. But it doesn’t have to be so black and white; we can live authentically and attract people who value the same ideals as us.

This may require us to detach from former relationships or friendships that no longer serve us—which is to say that people simply grow apart. Trying to force relationships with people who are growing at different rates and potentially are on different wavelengths can lead us to a feeling of loneliness.

Many of us can feel inherently lonely due to a lack of nurture we received as children, as stated earlier. The worst part about this feeling of learned loneliness is that we have a tendency to internalize it as being an inherent flaw within ourselves. This is simply not true.

We are not flawed; we are wounded. These wounds have led to inconsistent and potentially unhealthy attachments with many of the people we have come across throughout our lives. As a result, we can begin to tell ourselves that we are the problem or that we are unloveable; this often leads to us feeling depressed and losing all optimism for the future.

This depressed feeling or clinical depression can then compound on itself when left unattended. Untreated wounds can lead to loneliness. Loneliness can lead to depression. Depression can then exacerbate the loneliness, which creates more wounds that are left unaddressed.

This downward spiral feels impossible to get out of, but it isn’t. There is always hope. There is always a solution.

Related: 11 Simple Ways To Feel Less Lonely In Life

As aforementioned, we need to seek help. We need to address and treat our wounds. If we saw a wounded animal on the side of the street, we wouldn’t shame it for not being able to connect better with his animal friends. We would ideally care for it, nurture it, and love it back into health.

We need to treat ourselves as a wounded animal, or as a small child that didn’t receive that which we needed. The reality is that we need not feel lonely, as we have a world of possibility and connection inside of ourselves.

The real work is first accepting the loneliness, identifying the root cause, and then working at whatever is blocking us from genuine, authentic connection.

You are not alone. Not now, and not ever.
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Written By Hannah Rose  
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today  
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