Handling a person who is being defensive can be a monumental task sometimes, and losing your temper might seem like the easier solution. But getting angry and getting into a confrontation with them is not the right approach to have.
I was experiencing a minor catastrophe. My garage door wouldn’t open. I couldn’t open it manually either, so my car was stuck inside. I was hoping to drive it to the airport the next morning.
The garage door repairman called to say they could fix it in the morning. I asked if there were any chance they could come out that day. He said there was a slight possibility a cancellation could come in. I said, “Put me on the list for a cancellation. If you can’t get here today, I will have to cancel the order.”
He sharply replied, “Fine. Cancel the order.”
After I caught my breath, I said, “I didn’t mean it as a threat, I meant it as a fact. I’m leaving town tomorrow so I won’t be here if you show up then.”
He mumbled something about not counting on them being at my house today and I needed to let them know by this afternoon if I didn’t want them to come tomorrow. He then hung up.
An hour later, he called to tell me they would be out later that morning since someone else had canceled.
Acting defensively is a common human behavior. The brain’s primary function is to protect. When talking to people, if they feel psychologically safe with you, you might be able to have a rational conversation with them. If their brain detects a possible threat, it will trigger a protective response. They will either shut down or launch a counterattack.
In most conversations, a person’s defensive reaction has little to do with your intention.
If the person you are speaking with reacts defensively to your well-meant words, consider these tips when formulating your response.
5 Tips For Easing A Person’s Defensiveness
1. Don’t Say, “Don’t Take It Personally” Or “Don’t Be So Defensive.”
You will fortify the person’s reactions. Tell the person you are sorry for the misunderstanding, but that your intention was meant to help or give information (if that was true for you).
2. Try To Understand Why The Person’s Brain Interpreted Your Words As A Threat.
Could the person have interpreted your words as criticism or judgment? Could the person have thought you were threatening to take any action that would hurt him or her? Acknowledge that you see how important the topic is to the person, and explain what you meant instead.
3. Apologize, Or At Least Admit You Don’t Always Express Yourself Well And You Would Like To Try Again.
This doesn’t mean you were wrong. Your humility will soften their defensiveness.
You might find their defensiveness triggers you to feel angry or fearful as your brain takes on a counter-protective stance.
If your breathing quickens or stops, take a deep breath into your abdomen. Then count to four to yourself as you let the breath out. As your brain settles down, choose to be curious about why the person reacted to you so aggressively.
Want to know more about being defensive? Check this video out below!
5. Give The Person Space To Breathe.
Taking a breath will not only help you center yourself, but it will give the person a chance to calm down as well. The person might keep talking, but he or she just might take a breath as well. Give the person a chance to think about what to say next.
No matter who is at fault for triggering fear or anger when conversing, you have the ability to ease the tension and refocus on achieving the desired result together. Practice these five tips for easing a person’s defensiveness so you can move your conversation forward.
Being a good listener is one of the best qualities to have, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. If you want to be a better listener, then know that there are ways to listen better.
Most of us are creatures of habit, listening to meet our needs or to pay attention to demonstrate we care whether we do or not. The next time you leave a conversation, ask yourself, “Did I get the outcome I desired?”. It’s possible you could have achieved more.
Before you meet or call someone, stop and ask yourself:
1. Why am I listening?
2. What do I want to happen?
3. What shift do I need to make to achieve the best outcome?
To make an informed choice, consider the following reasons for listening and the outcomes you might get depending on your mindset and emotions.
Often the intention behind listening is to fulfill a personal need or to follow the rules you have been taught to show you care. When listening for information or perspective, you keep your distance. You stay in your head, maintaining isolation even when you say you want collaboration. The person feels little connection with you when you part.
You listen with the purpose…
1. To collect data.
You listen for how to argue, defend, compare or refine your own point of view.
2. To give an answer or solve a problem.
Once you have an answer, there is no further need to pay attention.
3. To obey the rules.
You listen because it is the right thing to do, generally for the minimal amount of time you think it takes to demonstrate the competency. You listen because you should, not because you want to.
Listening To Connect
When you choose to be present and connect with someone, you listen beyond your analytical brain. You are fully awake in your heart and gut as well as in your open mind. The person feels heard, valued, and possibly transformed as a result.[1]
You listen with the purpose…
4. To connect with the person.
When you desire to establish a connection, you go beyond paying attention to words. Connection starts with maintaining curiosity throughout the conversation, resisting the urge to know what is coming next while being at ease with not knowing. Feeling curious keeps you present.
Once you lose curiosity, you risk the conversation devolving into dueling monologues. Unfortunately, the better you know someone, the more likely you quit being curious enough to seek what could be new. Can you seek something special each time you say, “Hi, how are you?”
5. To let the person know you value them.
There is no greater gift you can give than to be fully present with someone so he or she feels heard, understood, and valued. When you quiet your mind with curiosity and open your heart with gratitude, the person feels received wholly beyond words.
Empathy happens when you value the essence of the person you are with. Be careful when your judgment sneaks in. You can feel passionately about your ideas without making others wrong. Value why the person sees the world differently from you. If you care enough to look deeply, you might feel valued in return.
The next step is to open your gut as well as your heart so you can be vulnerable enough to allow a deep connection to happen. Philip Shepherd said in New Self, New World, “Ultimately, to be present in the world means making room for the world to be present in you.”[2]
Don’t listen for something; listen for the purpose of being with the person. Have you ever felt this connection after a wonderful moment with a dear friend? When you trust enough to open yourself to someone else, the magic of a relationship emerges.
7. To explore, learn, and grow together.
As you increasingly ground yourself in being, the conversation can take you somewhere new and unexpected. Don’t anticipate or try to control it, just marvel where it goes. You share your ideas and then allow instead of resisting change when you hear theirs, adding to what you know instead of giving up.
You might lose your sense of time and space the more you engage. You may have had a conversation like this after experiencing a loss. You can consciously create this connection without trauma by accessing your love and courage.
Connecting with others this way is the same connection you sense when you view an awesome sunset, gaze across a beautiful canyon, or watch a burning star fall and disappear into the black of night. Letting go of what you know to grow shows strength; it is an active, not passive act. This is how we build community.
Alan Alda said, “Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.”[3]
What is your purpose for listening? Can you confidently open yourself to listen for a greater purpose? You will receive so much more than you expected when you do.
[1] Shari M. Geller and Stephen W. Porges, “Therapeutic Presence: Neurophysiological Mechanisms Mediating Feeling Safe in Therapeutic Relationships” Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 2014, Vol. 24, No. 3, 178–192.[2] Philip Shepherd. New Self, New World: Recovering Our Senses in the Twenty-first Century. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books, 2010, p. 85.[3] Alan Alda, Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I've Learned. New York: Random House, 2005, p. 160.
“It takes a lot more courage to let go of something than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control.” – Iyanla Vanzant
Key Points
People may feel stuck and unable to move on because they are focused on loss, not possible gains. Losses can be reframed as possibilities for growth, adventure, fulfillment, and success. Practice self-care and have social support when making major life changes.
Many of my clients came to me to help them make a life transition. Their job or a relationship no longer serves them. What was important earlier in their lives has shifted, and the love of their work or partner has run its course. Yet, they are afraid of leaving without a secure paycheck, of being alone forever, or taking a job or starting a new relationship that turns out worse than what they have now.
They are stuck because they are focused on loss, not possible gain.
Are you staying in a job or relationship even though you feel disrespected, or do you dread having to interact with someone? Maybe your unhappiness feels paralyzing, or you feel numb. Even if you were happy for years, you sense nothing is left now that excites or fulfills you. But you are afraid of letting go of the security you have, or you feel you might fail if you try something new. Failure would be unbearable.
In the song, Me and Bobby McGee written by Kris Kristofferson, there is a line, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” The more you have to hold onto, the more difficult it is to free yourself of your misery. You focus on the loss.
What about focusing on what is possible? The worst could happen, but many other scenarios could occur. The inventor Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens.” You have to close the door before you can see what is available to you.
If you have reflected on your situation with a therapist or coach and are sure you need to move on, try these five strategies to give yourself the courage to shape a life that fulfills instead of drains you.
5 Strategies For Finding The Courage To Let Go And Move On
1. Shift Your Focus.
Instead of dwelling on what you’ll lose, think about what you might gain, even if the changes take time. Gifts are waiting for you to discover if you keep moving forward.
2. Re-Frame The Losses.
You might fear being alone but having your own space and controlling your days is better than feeling suffocated or trapped. Finding and starting a new job may feel daunting, but you might find ways to make the search and new work an adventure.
Don’t make emotional decisions. Consider the best time to call it quits. Set a firm date and stick to it even when you try to talk yourself out of it. Then get clear on how you will persevere in the meantime.
4. Work With Others To Build Clarity And Confidence.
Think through your fog of fear, doubt, and resentment. Consult with wise friends who will be straight with you. If you are stuck or depressed, seek a good therapist.
5. Take Care Of Yourself.
When life feels difficult, you might skimp on your self-care. Now is the time to make sure you sleep and eat well, do fun things with friends, manage your finances, and reflect on what is good in your life. Be careful of being overly self-critical. Focus on what you have learned from your experiences that will help you make wise choices in the future.
You have many more chapters to live than to stay stuck in one that brings you no joy. Is it time to turn the page? The next chapter might be the most exciting time in your life.
If you have felt the tinge of jealousy when you came to know about your best friend’s upcoming Paris trip or your cousin making the dean’s list, go easy on yourself. Although it is commendable to learn how to stop being jealous, understand that jealousy, like any other emotion, is a natural human reaction that says a lot about our authentic selves.
When we take the time to understand our envy, instead of chastising ourselves for feeling a so-called “negative emotion”, we unlock pathways to self-awareness and healing. So the next time when that green-eyed monster shows up, sit with it to find answers to these 9 questions.
Answers To These 9 Questions Will Teach You How To Stop Being Jealous
If you are trying to learn how to not be jealous of others’ success and happiness, know that repressing your feelings with pseudo or toxic positivity will not do. Rather invest some time and energy into understanding your jealousy and you will uncover some valuable insights about yourself.
1. Why Am I Getting Jealous?
When you feel that pang of jealousy, ask yourself why does it matter to you? Dig deep and find out what’s triggering you. For instance, if you are single and your bestie is getting married next week, does it change anything between you two? Or will it have any effect on your singlehood? Don’t you want the best for your friend? Or do you secretly resent them? If so, why? Keep asking yourself questions in this line, till you get to the bottom of your feelings.
Sometimes our brain attaches more importance to a certain accomplishment than what is needed. Sure your colleague worked hard and got that big promotion and it is a big deal; but is it a life-altering event? Does this promotion mean your team-mate is bound to surpass you in every aspect of your life or does it imply that you and all those who were passed over for that career leg-up are not good enough? Once you find answers to all these questions, you will gain much clarity.
3. What Does My Jealousy Reveal About Myself?
This question can enable you to discover many hidden desires and talents tucked away in your subconscious. Many a time we have potential, fear, or longing that we are not aware of. You can work a corporate 9 to 5 job yet have a hidden passion for singing. You want to travel the world but have a fear of flying. In such cases, you might get a jab of envy when you see a friend making it big as a singer or traveling the globe. The trick here is to identify and acknowledge these hidden facets of your personality for your emotional well-being.
When you are feeling miserable in the wake of someone’s good news, try to take this painful experience in your stride and focus on the lesson it is trying to teach you. If your friend could shed those extra pounds and you haven’t, instead of sulking, try to find out what diet or exercise worked for her. Even if you don’t want to follow in her footsteps, it will give you insight and help you process your unresolved resentment towards her.
It is never a good feeling gulping down the poison of your own envious thoughts. When you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t focus on how to stop being jealous; instead, find ways to replace this feeling with something more creative. Whatever triggered your jealousy is asking you to work on that aspect of your life. So what you couldn’t publish your story and your friend could? Keep honing your writing skills. Keep writing and keep getting better. Use your jealousy as fuel and you will get there eventually.
Often we overlook the blessings that have been bestowed upon us and keep staring at the half-empty glass. If you want to stop jealousy from ruining your peace and relationships, you need to start counting your blessings. If you can be grateful and fully aware of all the things that are going well in your life, you will stop living in the “lack mentality” and no longer feel sorry for yourself when others get their abundance. If you want to know how to stop being jealous, you need to practice gratitude.
7. Am I Not My Only Competition?
The answer to this question is yes, you are your only competition. You must look back on your journey and see how far you have come. If you feel you are still repeating your past mistakes, change things around and start making better choices. If you feel you have learned from your experiences and have come a long way, well, kudos! You have no reason to feel bad. Your healing and achievements will be according to your efforts and divine timing. Be patient!
8. When Did I Learn To Be Jealous?
In our journey of healing not only do we have to learn a lot, but we also have to unlearn. We have to peel off layers after layers of internalized toxic beliefs and dysfunctional habits that we have learned from our parents or the society around us. Maybe you were encouraged to always do better than your peers at school, or fight for the attention of your primary caregiver, or maybe sibling rivalry was normal while growing up. But that does not mean you have to keep on this tradition and keep comparing yourself with others. Before knowing how to stop being jealous, know when you started feeling jealousy.
9. What Action Can I Take To Feel Better?
After all has been said and done, you need to take some action. Merely making a list and writing in your journal will not get you to overcome your jealousy. Once you are clear on your hidden desires and fears, take action on the insights you have discovered through the process of soul-searching. You might have to come out of your comfort zone and do something new or challenging. But the outcome will be worth it and it will be much better than loathing and bitterness. You owe this to your higher self.
Take Your Power Back
Processing our jealous behavioral trends is critical for the evolution of our personality. So how to not be jealous should not be the burning question here. Be kind to yourself and don’t get sucked in the make-believe game of competitions. You must know what matters to you and realize that you are the one who has control over your life. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, take your power back and work towards your dream life.
Do you find yourself ending up in similar dead-end situations or feel that you always get the short end of the stick? Do you keep attracting the same kind of toxic partner time and again? Chances are you are carrying one or more types of emotional baggage, meaning you are stuck in a pattern, and you need to unpack right now!
Although the term “emotional baggage” has become quite mainstream, just like our travel baggage, they are unique to each of us. As the types of emotional baggage vary, so do their effects. If you think you or your loved one might be carrying some unwanted load that is stopping you to live your best life, read on!
What Is Emotional Baggage?
Emotional baggage is a metaphor to describe our emotional stress or burden that though originated in the past, we still carry its residual energy in the present. It is essentially our unresolved mental blockage that dictates our behaviors and influences the life choices we make. A study says our emotional baggage can prevent us from making better life choices.
For instance, if you have suffered neglect or abuse in your first romantic relationship, it might have scarred you so deeply that you have grown to become hyper defensive regarding your heart. As a result, you keep seeing red flags in all your relationships and drive away perfectly good suitors.
What Are The Different Types Of Emotional Baggage?
As we have already covered that there are several types of emotional baggage, now let’s look at the most common ones and learn to deal with each one of them.
1. Inner-Criticism
Often times when we grow up with overbearing parents who keep dishing out a volley of criticism and derogatory remarks with little to no encouragement or positive reinforcement, we lose our confidence in our potential. We become our harshest inner-critics and remain so even after we grow up.
We need to resolve this toxic pattern so that we can have a healthy self-image and can take decisions that are ideal for us, not for impressing anybody else. Our parents wrongly assumed that their negative comments would inspire us to apply ourselves more in our academics or sports, but we must not give any power to that kind of unhealthy behavior and must never carry the cycle on to our next generation.
Psychological trauma, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can leave deep-rooted and long-lasting behavioral and emotional implications. Trauma severely affects our Emotion Regulation, causing us to feel overwhelmed and anxious whenever we get the slightest trigger that reminds us of the dreaded incident. We can manifest traumatic responses through physical, cognitive, or emotional symptoms, including flashbacks, outbursts, nightmares, and so on.
It is ideal to seek medical intervention and therapy to cope with psychological trauma. Mental health professionals can help us to process these haunting memories of ours so that they don’t consume us or control our lives.
Losing a friend or family member to death is one of the most difficult experiences of life and it is absolutely natural to go through a grieving process. However, if we don’t allow ourselves this period of processing our loss or somehow fail to resolve our grief in absence of a nurturing environment, we may fail to get on with our lives.
Thus, it is important to take time and process our feelings so that our love for the parted loved one does not pose a threat to our emotional well-being. If we want to move on with our lives, we must seek the support of our friends and family while we go through this grieving process.
When we face unfair or unfavorable circumstances for no fault of ours, it is but natural to develop a feeling of resentment or anger. This anger can be directed towards specific people, such as our parents, teachers, coaches, or society, community, cultural practices, and such. Nonetheless, if we let this resentment grow and continue to influence our minds, we will project our unresolved emotions onto others who do not deserve this treatment.
Therefore, we should identify from where our anger is stemming out and take some healthy measures to resolve it. We can confront the person who is responsible for our pain and make them realize in a peaceful way, how they have hurt us, we can forgive and let go of the anger.
Our fear emotions are triggered when we perceive a danger. Fear is supposed to prepare our bodies to face the perceived threat or attack. However, according to research, “dysfunction in fear processing can lead to psychiatric disorders in which fear outweighs the danger or possibility of harm.” This gives birth to phobias which are debilitating conditions that if left untreated prevent us to live a normal life.
It is not easy to face our fears but if we can approach to manage our fear methodically and take support from our loved ones as well as from experts, we can live our lives more productively. We can do what scares us the most but in a controlled and safe environment.
Guilt, shame, or regret can be quite a silent killer. If someone fought with a parent right before they passed away, or if a husband cheats on his wife and loses her forever in the process, the feeling of guilt can eat them up from inside. And this shame and regret will have detrimental effects on their self-image. It will become difficult for them to speak their mind or forge another romantic relationship, respectively.
Although guilt indicates that the person has acknowledged their mistake and wants to make changes, unresolved guilt can mar the prospect of a healthy future. We must understand that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes and be compassionate with ourselves. We need to identify where we go wrong, make amends, and do better next time. If we fail we will try again.
The most common side effect of heartbreak is the emotional baggage of suspicion, paranoia, poor self-esteem, etc. Similarly, if we fail to get good grades at school, or fail to bag a lucrative job offer, sometimes we get into the thinking of either “we are not good enough” or “we are unlucky”. Obviously, both are self-limiting false narratives that we feed ourselves.
Success can never be guaranteed and our failure doesn’t have to be the ultimate reality. We need to be objective about our life and take the power back, rather than blaming ourselves or our stars. If we learn our lessons from a failure and try again, we can make significant progress in our career and personal lives.
Once we identify our emotional baggage we can take steps to unload these unwanted energies that keep us from flying high. If your partner or a family member has one or more of the above-mentioned types of emotional baggage, please help them unpack.
“Netflix And Chill” sounds like a great idea to most of us after a long day as we sit down with our favorite comfort food or a cup of coffee and simply unwind. But did you know that binge watching show after show on streaming services can actually be bad for you? Let us take a deep dive into the darkness that lies beyond the pixels of your screen.
Are You Addicted To Netflix?
According to a recent 2021 study, binge viewing is “a potentially addictive behavior” similar to other behavioral addictions, like gambling that involves craving, dependency, pleasure anticipation, avoidance & loss of control. The study found that around 73% of Americans binge on shows on streaming platforms leading to sedentary lifestyles & unhealthy eating behaviors. This negatively affects their psychological, emotional, physical and social well-being. The researchers observed that binge-watchers are more prone to social isolation, anxiety and depression than the general population. “Binge-watching correlates with psychological and mental health symptoms including stress, loneliness, insomnia, depression and anxiety,” explain researchers of another recent study.
Further research shows that being addicted to streaming platforms like Netflix, Apple TV or Amazon Prime Video can not only affect your health arising from a lack of movement and exercise, but also lead to several other issues, such as –
Another 2021 research paper found that problematic binge watching is closely associated with mental health problems and can lead to “depression, social interaction anxiety, and loneliness risks among adults.” Studies have also established a relationship between constantly watching television or online shows and anxiety-depressive syndrome as well as motivation. Researchers believe that physical health problems like obesity are also strongly connected with binge viewing. Moreover, it can also make us neglect our work and relationships even when we may realize that’s not how we should act. As it becomes an addiction, it becomes increasingly difficult for us to overcome the desire to watch more episodes constantly.
The weekend is finally here. You breathe a sigh of relief as you can finally relax after a long, tiring week. You get into your pajamas, grab some food and turn on your TV or laptop. You scroll through Netflix and realize that the latest season of Cobra Kai is finally here. But wait. You have stuff to do this weekend. From cleaning out your room and fixing the sink to working on your personal projects and investing more time in your side hustle. You exhale deeply and tell yourself you will get to it right after finishing the first episode. You tell yourself it’s just a few minutes and you deserve to take a break. But before you know it, the weekend is over, you have binged on all episodes of Cobra Kai, your room is still a mess, the sink is still wobbly, and you did not work on your projects that could have helped you earn more money. So now you feel stressed, frustrated, anxious and even a little bit depressed as you need to get more work done the next weekend. “Netflix And Chill” is not exactly as relaxing as it is made out to be. Is it?
But the problem is not with Netflix or any other streaming service. The problem is how we use binge watching as a sugar-coated poison pill to procrastinate, be lazy and runaway from finding solutions to our problems. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but the truth is always bitter. We binge watch shows less to be entertained, and more to escape from our realities. And that is where the problem lies.
We all love watching our favorite shows and I have to admit, some of these are pretty binge-worthy. Whether you’re on Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO Max, Hulu, Disney+ or all of them, watching the latest shows before others is fast becoming a social trend, especially in the new post-pandemic era. According to studies, after the COVID-19 pandemic viewing habits of people have changed drastically. “Netflix saw an unexpected influx of revenue, new subscribers, and time spent viewing in spring of 2020,” adds a recent study. As we become more and more disconnected from others, both physically and emotionally, watching shows on streaming platforms encourages us to enjoy our alone time. It makes us relax, de-stress, feel comfortable and even excited. It makes us connect with our beloved fictional characters and relate to them on a personal level.
But have you pondered where this leads you to? Blindly swimming in the sea of endless streaming platforms and riding on the waves of the latest shows and movies can often make you drowned in depression and impulsivity. Binge watching can easily become an unhealthy habit and turn into an addiction when you sidetrack other important activities and indulge in watching shows mindlessly on a regular basis. “Research has shown that binge-watching is an event that is very engaging both emotionally and cognitively, which may lead to loss of control over the number of watched episodes,” explains a new study.
Binge behaviors are described as “a strong propensity to implement or repeat a certain behavior in a short period of time.” Hence, binge watching or binge-viewing refers to the act of watching several episodes of a show, typically 2-6 episodes, in a single sitting. The truth is, we have all been guilty of binging on our favorite shows on Netflix. We know exactly what it means and feels like. And we also know the devastating feeling that ensues eventually, the feeling of wasting time and not getting important things done. We feel bad, we regret and to ease out our emotional discomfort and start watching another show to take our mind off the guilt that creeps up from inside. However, this can easily become problematic and you will soon find yourself addicted and unable to break free from this damaging habit.
The problem with binging is not with the number of episodes or hours you have binged, but whether this behavior is negatively affecting other important aspects of your professional, social and personal life. Some researchers believe that a “binge-worthy” series can be compared to “potato chips – tasty for sure, impossible to stop snacking, utterly lacking intellectual value, and after binging likely to make viewers feel a bit ill and ultimately feel displeased, which engender to binge more.”
The Escape We All Need
Most of us are aware of all these negative effects of binge viewing shows on TV or streaming platforms, if not consciously, then at least subconsciously for sure. Post-binge-watching blues is a real phenomenon and has been confirmed by science. But why do we repeatedly engage in this meaningless activity that does not add any true value to our lives? Cause Netflix serves as an antidepressant to our stress-ridden lives. It is a vortex we can escape into and avoid all our troubles and responsibilities and just be. These fictional shows pull us into their exciting worlds and make us experience instant gratification and feel excited and energized, something we rarely feel normally in the real world.
Researchers from a 2012 study found that self-control is a finite resource which can deplete the more we use it. Hence, we can often feel drained of self-control when engaged in effortful tasks. Although positive social interaction can help to increase our self-control, negative interpersonal interactions, like being subjected to criticism or arguments, can drastically deplete self-control. This is where the concept of social surrogate restoration comes into play. It refers to “the possibility that people seek a social surrogate when depleted, and that seeking social surrogacy restores self-control,” explains the study.
The researchers found that we tend to binge watch our favorite shows “after exerting effortful self-control” as “immersion in this familiar fictional world restores self-control.” Moreover, this can also seemingly add value to our social lives as you can talk about this fictional world and characters with your friends who watch the same shows to feel more connected socially.
Did you know that the average American watches video-streaming services like Netflix for around 3.2 hours every single day, especially since the pandemic hit? That is a lot of time we just waste meaninglessly.
But what else am I supposed to do if I don’t watch Netflix?
I don’t have anything better to do.
I’ve already had a long day plus I am stuck at home most of the time.
Oh, but you have a lot of better things to do if you put your mind to it. Unfortunately, we are creatures of habit and wasting time staring at our screen has become a serious unhealthy habit for most of us. We believe we have nothing better to do so we Netflix and Chill, but in reality all of us have certain passions, interests and hobbies that we can pursue. We all have something we wanted to learn for a long time. Yet, we refuse to put in the effort to do that. This is not simply because we deplete our self-control, but because we lack passion for life. We all complain about how boring our lives are, but do we ever take a look inside and realize how boring we ourselves are? We live a life without passion and by watching shows with passionate characters living exciting lives, we console ourselves instead of putting in real effort to make our lives better.
By serially binge watching episode after episode, day after day, we tell ourselves that we are not good enough to improve ourselves or our lives. We tell ourselves that the goals we wish to achieve will never be accomplished. We simply give up on ourselves and accept defeat blindly. This is why we need to be aware of our video streaming and watching habits and take steps to refuse the urge to stay glued to the screen.
Before we get started, let me make this clear one more time – I am not saying that Netflix or any other streaming service is evil. They are entertainment portals who provide entertaining shows and movies. That’s what they are there for and they are doing a great job. It is how we consume this entertainment and with what purpose – that is where the problem lies. So our solution should be focused on changing our own mindset and habits instead of canceling our Netflix subscription.
Here are few helpful ways to overcome your binge watching addiction, stop being boring and lazy and live a more passionate life:
1. Identify your reasons for binge watching
Try to understand what makes you binge watch Netflix uncontrollably. Experts believe that stress is one of the primary motivators for binge viewing. “Stress is associated with increased TV viewing, suggesting that individuals were watching TV to cope with stress,” explains a 2021 study.Apart from stress, other common reasons for binging on Netflix include loneliness, fear of missing out (FOMO), escapism and boredom.
If you are escaping to Netflix to cope with stress and boredom, then it is better to look for alternate activities you can engage in as a replacement. You should also focus on your mental and emotional needs and address them rather than wasting time watching shows. You can try out healthier, alternate activities like going to the gym, reading a book, writing a journal or learning a new skill. However, if you feel you are unable to cope with stress and other mental health issues and using Netflix as a coping strategy, then talking to a mental health professional or a therapist is advised as they can help you better identify your issues and recover from your TV addiction.
2. Practice self-control
According to a study, using our self-control to manage excess social media use is one of the most effective ways. The researchers found that reactive and proactive methods of self-control can help to stop excess social media use and binge watching. Reactive methods include the strategies we use the moment we have the urge to engage in such unhealthy behavior. It will require you to have direct and targeted self-control and engage in positive self-talk. Proactive methods of self-control involve strategies that focus on changing habits in the long run. Here the focus is on developing healthier habits and instilling lifestyle changes that weaken your urges for “Netflix and Chill.” However, the study found that proactive strategies are relatively more effective than reactive methods.
Here are a few ways to implement reactive and proactive strategies to curb your Netflix addiction:
Prioritize your daily tasks
Maintain balance between tech use and other aspects of your life
Keep scheduled timings for watching shows on a daily or weekly basis and limit your screen time
Turn all unimportant notifications and autoplay options
Limit your access to apps and video streaming platforms
3. Use Netflix as a reward
Regardless of how much self-control you may implement, we all want to just relax and enjoy some good shows at times and this can make the urge to binge watch stronger. The best way to deal with these urges is to tell yourself that you will watch the latest episode of your favorite show only when you have completed a particular task. Use entertainment as a reward for putting in effort for personal growth instead of allowing it to be a hindrance. Tell yourself that you can “chill” and watch Netflix only after you have cleaned your room or have sent those emails. Not only will it make Netflix feel more rewarding, but it will also motivate you to get more done.
Build Better Habits Instead Of Escaping
Running away from reality and escaping into the fantastical fictional worlds of Netflix is easy and relaxing. But in the long run, it is a curse that can rot your life. Watching shows and being on Netflix is not necessarily bad, but when you lose control over your consumption habits and it turns into an addiction, then it can lead to serious problems. The best way to deal with this is to develop healthy habits, improve your self-control and build a meaningful lifestyle that is sustainable. And if all else fails, cancel your Netflix subscription for a while until you have better control over your habits and consult a therapist.
Time to turn off the computer and build a better life for yourself. Yes, it will be hard, but we both know that you got this.
We are all likely to endure traumatic experiences in our lifetime. However, based on the severity and frequency, some experiences can leave deep emotional wounds that end up influencing our whole perception of life, the way we see ourselves, and the choices we make.
In most cases, we go through these experiences quite early in our lives, making the quest of healing emotional wounds tangled with the challenge of healing our inner child. But before we learn how to heal emotional wounds, let’s have a look at the most common types.
8 Types Of Emotional Wounds
The phrase “emotional wounds” has psychological as well as spiritual connotations and we have compiled our list by conflating these two disciplinary courses.
1. Mother Wound
Although it is commonly seen as a mother-daughter phenomenon, both sons and daughters can be on the receiving end of a mother wound, inflicted by an emotionally unavailable and often hypercritical mother. A mother wound is a traumatic experience where a child is not provided with the much-needed emotional support and nurturing care. The child grows up desperately seeking validation from the mother and always feels nervous and scared in her presence. Such a child can never turn to the mother for comfort and care.
It is often a cross-generational curse. Women who could never heal their mother wound tend to carry the toxic behavioral pattern to the next generation. Unresolved issues from a mother wound can also make you question your self-worth, crave external validation, and become incapable to manage emotions.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Mother Wound Issues:
Forgive your mother even if she doesn’t deserve it.
Seek help from a peer group with similar experiences.
Become your own parent and take care of your needs.
Work on yourself and develop a profound self-awareness.
Communicate and express your pain constructively.
If required distance yourself from the dysfunctional relationship.
2. The Dark Night Of The Soul
Coined way back in the 16th century by a Roman Catholic priest, the term denotes the anguish of a soul when it is separated from God. Since then the idea has been adopted by various religious, spiritual, and psychological practices and used to describe an extremely painful period of existence during which a person loses all hope and motivation to live.
The suffering individual’s faith is shaken to the core and the universe ceases to make any sense to them. The tortured soul faces one hardship after another but eventually emerges as an empowered and aware being. The spiritual belief behind this concept is that our souls choose to go through painful lessons in order to attain enlightenment. By shedding the skins of old beliefs and knowledge the soul becomes more attuned to the ways of life and the universe.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing The Dark Night Of The Soul Issues:
Work on the repetitive behavioral patterns you are perpetuating in your life.
Focus on the lessons that your pain is bringing to your attention.
When the external world stops making any sense, go inward and learn your inner truth.
Contemplate your journey so far and realize what you want from the future.
Learn about your authentic self and stop trying to fit in with others for their validation.
This can be one of the most damaging causes of emotional wounds. When a parent deserts their kid or fails to provide them a secure life, far-reaching damage is done to the psyche of the vulnerable child. The absence of the parent and the lack of care make the child grow up with a host of emotional issues.
As adults, these children may become loners or develop a fear of loneliness. They are likely to get emotionally dependent and insecure in nature. People with abandonment issues are known to quit projects and dump their partners more often than others. Their constant fear of being left out in the cold drives them to act this way.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Abandonment Issues:
Understand your fears and don’t project them on others.
Set healthy boundaries in all your relationships.
Prioritize self-care and take care of yourself more.
Seek therapy to address your psychological trauma.
4. Rejection
Rejection can come in many forms such as rejection by peers, by partner, or by parents. Regardless of whom rejection comes from, it can have detrimental effects on our self-esteem and self-awareness. Especially when a child experiences rejection from their primary caregiver, instead of unconditional love and acceptance, it opens a gnawing hole in their little heart.
Even after growing up, such a child will think of themselves as unworthy and undeserving of love. A person with rejection issues will always downplay their achievements and live as a recluse, afraid of opening up to others.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Rejection Issues:
Face your internalized fears and anxious thoughts.
Take more chances to showcase your talents.
Be assertive.
Work on your insecurities and do things that make you happy.
Don’t attach your self-worth to others’ appreciation.
5. Injustice
When we are exposed to an unjust environment as a child, our idea of right and wrong becomes tainted. Growing up under an authoritarian parent or witnessing favoritism at school can affect our sense of justice. As a result, some of us can become very rigid in our approach and set very high standards for ourselves as well as others.
People with this emotional baggage tend to become sticklers for rules and expect the same level of perfection and sincerity from others in all spheres of life. As a result, they come off as obnoxious and don’t have many friends.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Injustice Issues:
Identify your trust issues.
Reduce your rigidity and become more flexible.
Lower your high standards of expectations.
Open up more and take chances with people.
Accept others without judgment.
6. Violence
Children growing up in a toxic family often witness violence between their parents or suffer violence as a form of disciplinary action. Needless to say, such an unhealthy experience distorts and destabilizes the child’s mind and they start internalizing the violent pattern.
As a result, even after growing up, the child with this poor behavioral reference will repeat this abusive cycle in their adult life. Either they will become aggressive or violent with their partners or attract abusive lovers for themselves.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Violence Issues:
Seek therapy or consult a mental health professional.
Recognize the need for effective anger management.
Improve your self-image and make healthy choices while choosing your romantic partners.
Identify the reasons you are perpetuating the toxic cycle of abuse.
7. Humiliation
When people are systematically humiliated, they start developing low-self esteem and anxiety. Whether being bullied at school or mistreated for airing an opinion at home, humiliation for days on end can destroy our self-confidence and well-being and make us mentally dependent on others.
People who have been exposed to humiliation for a long time either lose their ambition or become tyrannical as a defense mechanism. They might choose to humiliate others for protecting their own emotions.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Humiliation Issues:
Be more independent.
Work on the priorities of your life.
Express yourself more.
Know from where your fears are triggering.
Be kind to others and stop pushing people away.
8. Betrayal
When parents often go back on their words or don’t keep their promises, kids start developing a habit of mistrust or a fear of trusting others. Children who realize they cannot depend on their caregivers tend to become skeptical and doubtful about everyone.
Adults who have suffered betrayal sometimes feel that they need to have some kind of control or leverage over others. This belief makes them the suspicious and controlling kind.
Steps You Can Take Towards Healing Betrayal Issues:
Learn how to trust others.
Delegate responsibilities at work.
Improve your patience level.
Be more tolerant of others.
It Ends With You
Although you had little control over the situations that gave rise to your emotional wounds, you can always take your power back. What happened to you is neither your identity nor does it have to become your future. You are the writer of your story. Don’t let your emotional wounds fester and infect your next generation.
Do you enjoy a fun quiz? What if we told you that you could find out how beautiful and attractive you are with just a simple test? As we go through this how attractive are you quiz, on a scale of 1-10, we will try to get to know you the best we can.
Once we have managed to get to know you well enough, we’ll be able to give you an accurate score about your attractiveness. Sounds interesting right?
Being beautiful or pretty goes beyond how you dress or look. True beauty surely comes from the inside! However, when you learn how attractive you are, it can make you more confident and self-assured. So, take this how attractive are you quiz now to appreciate yourself more! If your score isn’t as high as you expect, you can use it as a milestone to indulge in self-improvement and self-awareness.
Take This How Attractive Are You Quiz!
This is an 8 step test and you have to answer simple questions like what would be your favorite drink to order, who do you find appealing and so on.
Take this fun test to discover your attractiveness on a scale of 1-10, in just a few minutes. All you need to do is be spontaneous if you’re looking for accurate results.
Click ‘Start Quiz’ To Test Your Attractiveness Scale On 1-10?
So are you a 3 or a 10? Share your results of this attractive quiz in the comments below.
Overthinking never feels good, nor does it actually help you in any way. Here’s how overthinking affects your life. “A mind too active is no mind at all.” -Theodore Roethke
Although overthinking is something many of us (hello! me) do, it’s important to be aware of the negative impact it can have on our lives that can get swept under the rug and normalized. Overthinking can feel like torture and, if chronic, can greatly chip away at the quality of our lives. It can numb out joy and make us feel incredibly alone. It can create strain in our relationships or even cause them to destruct depending on the degree of our overthinking and assuming ways.
What I’m going to do in this post is offer some insight and perspectives to help you become more aware of your over-analyzing ways so you can ditch these destructive thinking habits and work toward becoming more present.
I specifically use the word “present” because “being present’ is on the opposite spectrum of overthinking. When we’re “in our heads” (overthinking) we’re absolutely not present. One main tool to combat overthinking is to find ways that help us to BE in the moment. This post is for you to discover and create ways to do just that.
4 Symptoms Of Overthinking: How overthinking affects you
1. You Feel Less Joy
When you’re overthinking you’re not in the present moment. This is based on the mere fact that you can’t be in two places at once. If you find yourself consistently forgetful about details of your environment and the people in it, chances are that you’re preoccupied with the world going on in your mind.
If your goal is to be happy what I can tell you with 100% confidence is that you will not find happiness by overthinking. On the contrary, a racing mind repels happiness.
Here’s what else is important for you to know. Overthinking is a bad habit and habits can be changed. I know several people who I’ve worked with that believed that there was nothing that they could do about their overthinking because it “is just the way they are”
Not true, my friend.
You are not your overthinking. It’s not in control of you. (Unless you allow it to be.) It’s actually the opposite: Overthinking is a habit that you can get a handle on and as you do your life will change for the better.
2. Your Relationships Are Feeling Disconnected
Have you ever spent time with someone who was clearly not present? Fun, right? Kidding.
It can be incredibly frustrating to be with someone who is truly not with you because they’re caught in the intricacies of their mind.
When you’re out and about in life and spending time within your relationships, but not really “there,” the level of connection, presence, bonding, authenticity, and overall joy is compromised.
A healthy relationship requires two people to show up fully in order to play and engage with each other. This is merely impossible when one party (or both) is not present.
I understand that we’re not perfect beings and sometimes we might have a day when our mind is in LA LA land (normal.) However, if “checked out” becomes a consistent state, there’s more to look at here. Your relationships will be at stake if just fragments of you continue to show up within your connections.
It takes a lot of mental energy to overthink. Over time one of the main side effects of chronic overthinking is physical exhaustion. If you feel constantly exhausted without any sort of explanation as to why, it could be your racing mind that’s leading you to feel so drained.
4. You Can’t Sleep
This point is pretty straightforward. Your thoughts can be keeping you from initially getting to sleep or waking you in the wee hours of the morning and sabotaging your ability to rest peacefully. As many of us may know, a lack of sleep leads to so many other issues.
Now that we’ve discussed some symptoms that are present when we’re in our heads, let’s look at 6 practices to help rewire our thinking patterns.
6 Practices To Help Rewire Our Thinking Patterns
1. Engage with people that can help you rediscover your presence.
Having relationships in your life that guide you toward rediscovering your presence is priceless. The mere modeling of being on the other end of someone who knows how to tap into the present moment will, over time, shift you into a more present person yourself.
(Reminder: We do become more like the people who we choose to be around consistently. Choose wisely. Their habits will become your habits over time.)
Look for these present people in your world, value them and hang around them as much as you can.
This one is pretty cut and dry. A fact is a fact. It’s “what is,” for worse or for better. A fact is the truth of what’s happening or what has happened; It’s not your assumption or story about it. A story is your creative twist and takes on a situation, which is not a fact. (Phew! Got that?)
Becoming more savvy by distinguishing the difference between when you’re reacting based on your story vs. the fact of the matter will greatly silence your tendency to overthink.
3. Practice the Cognitive Behavioral Method of “Thought Stopping” (With Acknowledgment of Your Emotionality)
Finding awareness of when you begin to “go down the rabbit hole” with looping thoughts, rumination, and overthinking is key to thought stopping. What I’m doing in session with my clients who overthink is modeling thought stopping by guiding them away from their unhealthy habit of creating stories.
I do this by identifying the emotion (commonly anxiety or fear) leading the overthinking and proceeding to shut down the “story” that they’ve created, which is driving their looping thoughts. It’s as if I’m picking out weeds from the grass. I’m picking out what we need to work through (the emotion) while ditching the false story, which is often what’s creating the discomfort and pain.
We usually are reacting more from our fear and story of what might be, rather than what actually is.
As you learn to do this with yourself, over time you will stop getting into destructive thinking loops that lead you to nowhere and you will learn to disengage from your assumptions. You will have so much more time for what is pleasant and true when your awareness increases around your ruminating habits. Discover more details about the thought-stopping process here.
4. Move your body
In order to be a healthy person, finding a way to be active and get your blood pumping is a must. There’s very few things that I’m ever going to tell you is a must, and this is one of them.
Through movement and breath, we can help difficult emotions and stress “push through” our system. Without movement, we become stagnant and stuck and start holding onto hard emotions that can literally make us sick. Move your bodies friends. It’s huge.
Whether it’s an intentional trip to a different part of your town that’s unexplored, a weekend trip somewhere new, or traveling outside of the country, please go toward the unknown.
This is important because when we go toward our curiosity, we simultaneously go away from our routine and what we know. Our presence is required when we’re not familiar with our surroundings, which automatically gets us out of our heads and into our lives.
6. Find Some Healthy Distractions
Find ways to engage in activities that help your mind focus such as crossword puzzles, a game of chess, reading, engagement in a good film, etc. These activities are like mind aerobics and help focus your mind on something that squashes the tendency to ruminate, loop, or overthink. Our brains need to exercise too.
All and all, the biggest takeaway that I want you to know is that you can do something about your overthinking. If your mind has a hold of you, this is not the way you have to keep living your life. You are not stuck. Finding relief from overthinking is a matter of finding the right “tools.” With awareness, practice, a desire for change, and the commitment to “do the work,” over time you will find relief from your hyper analyzing ways.
If you feel like you need more guidance toward combating your negative thinking habits there are many different ways to search for a therapist and find the right “fit” for you. Check out my post on How to Find the “Right” Therapist for more pointers toward a successful search. Also, feel free to reach out to me with any questions or directions. I’m happy to help.
Cheers! Find my youtube video on overthinking HERE.
“The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.” —Norman Vincent Peale Peace, like love, is a verb. It’s active. It vibrates, stretches, and moves, seeking to expand its reach.
It’s not a fabled abstraction without correlates in the tangible, real-world, or some sort of quaint finger sign you make with your index and middle fingers before absconding from work or going surfing.
Peace is the moment-to-moment act of noticing every day the ways you’re at war with parts of yourself and holding those moments of turbulence within a larger perspective. Peace takes into account more than just your own needs or privileged “in-group” assumptions.
It expands beyond those who are “like” you spiritually, ethnically, racially, politically. It extends beyond your “tribe” to the larger tribe of humans you’ve never met, to non-family members, non-friends: to strangers. To all human beings.
Peace is about learning, over time, to see within yourself the seeds of war, and to question those moments of hate or aggression or judgment or reactivity without mindlessly fertilizing them or planting them in the world in some minor or major act of ignorance or obliviousness or reactive malice.
Your look at a fellow driver, the moment you judge whoever was in the public restroom right before you, the person who steps into your spot in line, the child who pushes your child on the playground. There are times to react, of course, to protect or draw a line; to stand up for yourself or others. Anger serves a purpose.
But unconscious, unexamined anger that’s indulged in destroys. Peace means bringing curiosity to your own “inner wars” and finding ways of moving forward toward your highest values and ideals, the ones that spring from a sense of human interrelatedness.
Just because we feel it, just because we think it, doesn’t make it true. There’s always something to understand and shed light on beneath our aggression. There’s vulnerability, fear, pain, longing, a sense of injustice, and where all of that comes from in our histories, in our parent’s histories, in our ancestor’s histories. Truth isn’t about hate. How could it be? Hate is a form of emotional paralysis. It’s a deep state of pain. Hate is the human mind trapped in a strait-jacket of its own making, unable to access truth.
Peace is an active commitment to looking deeper into the origins of our own judgments, disgusts, aversions, and attacks on ourselves and others. It’s the intersection of the personal and the political, and it begins with how we think about–and relate to–ourselves.
Our own minds are the internal launching pads for external peace projects. In Gandhi’s words, “A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.”
In her book “The Drama of the Gifted Child,” Swiss psychologist and philosopher Alice Miller writes, “In order to become whole we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal truth, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom.”
When the wars being waged within us as individuals go unnoticed and unmonitored–when our own early attachment injuries and unexamined traumas or current mental illness shapes the ways we view and respond to life–we run the risk of becoming walking war machines. Sometimes, it’s easier to see this happening in the world around us than in ourselves.
But peace is personal. It’s an aspiration, a commitment, and a choice.
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