Tag: self help blogs

  • 5 Ways That Family Estrangement Can Inflict Lifelong Harm

    Family estrangement, be it parental or sibling, or worse, both, is one of the most painful and heartbreaking things a human being can go through.

    Key Points

    • Cutoffs can ripple through one’s life and identity, producing a unique form of grief as the estranged mourn the living.
    • The estranged often have a lingering difficulty adjusting to, accepting, and making sense of their losses.
    • The estranged often suffer a loss of self-esteem and trust, which may play out in other relationships and ultimately compromise well-being.

    Family estrangement causes ripples through one’s life and identity. The experience creates a uniquely devastating form of grief in which an estranged family member often mourns the living.

    The ambiguity of estrangement and the chronic hope (or dread) of encountering the estranged family member often exacerbate feelings of longing, anxiety, and anger.

    Those who are cut off often have a lingering difficulty adjusting to, accepting, and making sense of the loss, even when they have an otherwise fulfilling life. Those who choose to end a family relationship and consider it irrevocable may find that feelings of loss and regret accompany the decision.

    Related: Family Estrangement: How Grown-Ups Pull Away From Toxic Families

    Social work researcher Kyle Agllias, one of the foremost experts on the subject, writes in her groundbreaking book, Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective, that estrangement is particularly difficult to accept because it has no predictable or predetermined outcomes nor an identifiable end point.

    “The death of a family member,” she explains, “does not impact self-esteem or sense of self-worth the way estrangement does.”

    The loss is especially acute for siblings. Brothers and sisters are our earliest, closest companions, instilling important social qualities—tolerance, generosity, loyalty—that eventually affect every subsequent relationship, from friends and colleagues to lovers and partners.

    Siblings typically spend more time together than with anyone else; for the fortunate, the relationship endures for decades, outlasting friendships, marriages, and parents. Losing what should have been a lifelong bond built on shared history is a sad, continuing deprivation.

    In a survey, I conducted for my book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, respondents discussed how the ongoing nature of estrangement defined their lives.

    Family estrangement and effects and familial estrangement

    5 Ways That Family Estrangement Can Inflict Lifelong Harm

    1. Trust

    The estranged often feel they can’t trust anyone, damaging their ability to fully engage in relationships.

    Several respondents described struggling with trust:

    • I actually find myself trying not to get too close to anybody because of my horrible experiences with family members who cut me out of their lives.
    • I have major trust issues with everyone now. I worry that those I care about will suddenly leave me with no explanation.
    • When a friend distances themselves from me for a good reason (a crisis where they need to be alone), I get triggered and panicked. I feel like I am being taken for granted as I did with my family.

    Author Agllias reports that estrangement-related trust issues can wreak such psychological havoc as emotional withdrawal, defensive posturing, people-pleasing behaviors, and overeager development of close but unsustainable relationships, possibly even leading to abuse.

    Related: How To Cope With A Toxic And Estranged Family Relationship: 11 Tips

    2. Friendships

    Without the ability to trust, developing friendships can be especially challenging. Worse, the estranged—especially those who initiated the cutoff—often feel judged and stigmatized when others have advised them to “forget about” the sibling or “move on.”

    Some become needy and reliant on family and friends, imposing emotional demands and overblown expectations that can strain and even destroy relationships. “The estranged might feel a need to hold on tightly to non-estranged relationships for fear of losing them too,” Agllias explains.

    3. Self-esteem

    One woman reported constantly questioning herself. She is socially reserved, feeling that if her own sister won’t have a relationship with her, why would a mere acquaintance have any interest? She says she finds herself alone and isolated.

    When a sibling terminates a relationship, the shunned sibling typically feels responsible for the breach. The loss leaves a gnawing sense of unlovability and lack of self-worth—typical of people who have been ostracized.

    Studies have revealed that pain is the initial reaction to any kind of ostracism, says Dr. Kipling D. Williams, a distinguished professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University who studies the subject.

    “Ostracism,” he explains, “then instigates actions aimed at recovering thwarted needs of belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.”

    Family estrangement and it's long-term effects

    4. Family

    Estrangement often places family members in the discomfiting and frequently impossible position of having to choose sides. The situation can become so polarizing as to incite a familial civil war.

    The estranged may aggressively recruit and lobby non-aligned family members, perhaps resorting to bullying, accusations, and attacks. The estranged may demand loyalty or threaten to ostracize family members who refuse to take their side.

    My own mother felt caught between my brother and me when we were estranged. Here’s how she recalls it:

    It was always in the back of my mind—I have a son and daughter who have nothing to do with each other. I was always thinking, What can I do? How can we get together? How can I get my family back? I felt hurt and embarrassed that my children didn’t have anything to do with each other. I never talked to anyone about it. I felt ashamed, so I carried the pain alone.

    At times, I was furious about the situation: I would get invited to a family party that excluded one of my children. I never knew what to do—Should I attend or not? Should I insist that I will only go to an event if both my children are invited? Whatever choice I made, I was going to hurt one of my children.

    Related: 5 Painful Things You Wonder When Your Parent is Estranged

    5. Rumination

    One of the most debilitating consequences of estrangement is the thought pattern of rumination: rehashing the same thoughts over and over, even when those thoughts breed sadness or negativity.

    Many rejected siblings—even some who chose to terminate the relationship—find themselves constantly mulling: “What did I do? What was my role in the cutoff? Can I fix this?”

    The mind is desperately trying to create meaning around an experience that may not have a good explanation. Rumination can be crippling, and over-sharing its bitter thoughts can drive people away.

    Some relationships are simply too toxic to sustain. Still, there’s no denying that cutoffs harm well-being and hurt other relationships. Awareness helps to guard against the long reach and lasting damage of estrangement.

    Want to know more about the long term effects of family estrangement? Check this video out below!

    To learn more, buy The Sibling Estrangement Journal! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLLTT6SJ#SalesRank

    References: 

    Agllias, Kylie (2017) Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective (New York: Routledge)
Williams, Kip, “Kip Williams Media Contact Overview,” January 29, 2020, Social Psychology Network, williams.socialpsychology.org.
    Written By Fern Schumer Chapman
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
    Ways Family Estrangement Can Inflict Lifelong Harm pin
  • Overthinking Before Sleep? 8 Ways To Avoid Racing Thoughts At Night And Sleep Better

    Can’t sleep at night? Overthinking keeping you up? Racing thoughts at night can totally screw up your sleep schedule and lead to insomnia. If you are struggling with sleepless nights and wondering how to stop overthinking at night, then we are here to help.

    When your mind is on a race track

    It’s been a long, hard day. You are tired, exhausted and ready to hit the sack. As you lie in your bed and slide under your warm, cushy blanket, you can’t wait to fall asleep. The room is dark and the temperature is just right. You exhale deeply as you relax and that’s when it happens. 

    BANG!

    The starting pistol fires and your mind races through the track of rumination and painful memories of the past. You try to shake it off, clear your mind and focus on getting some much needed sleep. But nope. Your mind is on steroids tonight it seems as intrusive & repetitive thoughts are keeping you up. The harder you try to sleep, the worse it gets. And before you know it, it is almost dawn and you need to wake up in another hour for another long, hard day.

    Related: 13 Terrifying Health Effects of Sleep Deprivation

    Sounds relatable? Racing thoughts at night can be a really difficult and stressful experience, especially if it occurs almost every single night. Night time overthinking can be really hard to control and it can make falling asleep an excruciating experience. Sadly, the harder we try to shut down our mind and force ourselves to fall asleep, the louder our mental chatter becomes and the more awake and alert we get. 

    racing thoughts at night

    Racing thoughts can often be a sign of anxiety or other underlying psychological conditions. The stress and anxiety we experience throughout the day can wreak havoc at night as we review our day mentally and plan for the day ahead. During this process, our monkey mind takes a trip down memory lane to dig up some buried embarrassing moments from the past just to make things a little more fun. 

    Remember that embarrassing thing you did in high school? Yeah, that’s a super burn for all of us. And so as anxiety extends its hands for a dance, we tango all night bidding sleep a reluctant goodbye.

    So what can you do to avoid overthinking at night? Let’s find out.

    How to stop racing thoughts at night

    If you are struggling with night time overthinking, here is how to stop overthinking at night –

    1. Write it down

    If your mind is overwrought with racing thoughts at night, then writing down whatever is bothering you can be an excellent idea to stop overthinking before sleep. Journaling can not only help us manage our tendency to overthink at night and improve our mental health, but it can also help us get better sleep. 

    Practice journaling for 15-20 minutes each night before sleep by writing down everything that’s on your mind. It is not about finding solutions or planning how to overcome your issues. It is simply about writing down whatever is bothering you. Writing your thoughts and emotions down on a notepad can help you release your stress, anxiety and frustrations from the day. So dump them on your notepad instead of carrying them in your mind when going to sleep.

    However, you need to be conscious about the tone of the thoughts you are writing about. If you are journaling about negative thoughts, release those thoughts by setting the right intentions when closing the notepad.

    Related: Sleeplessness: 10 Signs, Causes And Tips To Sleep Better

    One 2017 study suggests that writing a specific to-do list about incomplete future tasks for five minutes at bedtime can help improve sleep quality and quantity. “Writing about one’s worries can help individuals fall asleep,” explain the researchers. In the battle between journaling and overthinking, journaling always wins and rewards you with a restful sleep.

    2. Make time to wind down & relax before sleep

    If you want to stop racing thoughts at night then you need to have a wind down routine that helps you calm down and feel relaxed before sleep. Start your wind down ritual at least 60-45 minutes before bedtime on a daily basis. Make this a habit as repetition will make your brain associate this routine with sleep.

    A wind down routine will promote the activation of the alpha brain waves that are released when you are in wakeful relaxation. Alpha brain waves are important for the early phase of sleep.

    In case you are unable to manage 45 minutes for winding down, focus on doing 2-3 things that help you relax, like meditating or listening to soothing music. Avoid doing things that can further stimulate your brain during this period like scrolling through your phone. Reading a book can be recommended but avoid titles with stories that are too exciting and may keep you up.

    overthinking before sleep

    Related: Struggles Of An Overthinker: 18 Things Only They Understand

    3. Practice meditation before sleep

    One of the simplest, most effective and best ways to overcome racing thoughts at night is to meditate before bed. Meditation can help you decompress, be more self-aware, mindful, relaxed and calmer. 

    Studies have found that meditation can help to make the mind calmer & more mindful and can significantly improve sleep quality. According to a 2015 study, mindfulness meditation can “remediate sleep problems among older adults in the short term, and this effect appears to carry over into reducing sleep-related daytime impairment that has implications for quality of life.”

    It can even prove helpful for people who have never meditated before. Simply close your eyes, relax your body, take a few deep breaths and bring your attention to your breaths. Allow different thoughts to appear, acknowledge them and let them go. Do not hold on to anything. In case your mind wanders away, bring your awareness back to your breath. It’s that easy. 

    You can even try guided meditation that is freely available on YouTube or listen to some calming music to avoid racing thoughts at night while you meditate.

    4. Disconnect from your devices

    Do AIs dream of virtual sheep? Who knows. And you don’t have to find out either. Put your phone down before going to bed if you don’t want racing thoughts at night. Screens in your smartphone, tablet, laptop or any other device emit blue light which is a fragment of the natural electromagnetic energy spectrum. And this blue light can seriously affect our cognitive process and alertness leading to racing thoughts at night and mess with our sleep. 

    Researchers claim that “The use of light-emitting electronic devices before bedtime may contribute to or exacerbate sleep problems.”

    While this blue light can improve your mood, it can also negatively affect your melatonin production by boosting your alertness and messing up your circadian rhythm – the natural sleep-wake cycle of the human body. “Blue light from electronic devices has a bad reputation. It has a wavelength which may influence our circadian rhythm and cause bad sleep,” explains a 2022 study. 

    Related: 14 Things Overthinkers Will Understand

    Moreover, social media use at night can also lead to higher stress levels & anxiety and aggravate mental health problems causing overthinking before sleep.

    So avoid working on your computer or unnecessarily scrolling through your phone at least one hour before bedtime. Disconnect from social media and put your work aside as you have done enough for today and you can always pick it up tomorrow. Instead focus on relaxing, resting and avoiding racing thoughts at night.

    5. Don’t “try” to sleep 

    Don’t be desperate to fall asleep and don’t force yourself to sleep as it can lead to further racing thoughts at night. Sleep is a natural experience and the harder you try to control it, the worse the experience will be for you. “Trying” too hard to sleep will make you anxious and cause overthinking before sleep, making your mind active instead of calm.

    This is why you need to focus on relaxation and practice techniques that allow your body and mind to relax and decompress. The more you put pressure on yourself to fall asleep, the more you will struggle with getting good quality, uninterrupted sleep. Instead be more mindful about intrusive, unwanted and racing thoughts at night, observe & acknowledge them and let them go. This will make your mind calmer and help you sleep better.

    stop overthinking before sleep

    6. Get out of your bed and try to stay awake 

    Can’t sleep? Racing thoughts at night keeping you up? Wondering how to stop overthinking at night and get some sleep? STOP trying to sleep, get out of bed and try to stay awake instead. Sounds crazy, but it works. When you think too much about sleep and become desperate for it, you only prepare yourself to overthink and stay awake. 

    Trying to sleep never works as it is a form of paradoxical thinking. And this is why, trying to stay awake can make you fall asleep faster.

    Related: How Overthinking Affects Your Life (and 6 Ways To Stop)

    When you try to stay awake, your frustration and anxiety about sleeping reduces, making you calmer and more relaxed. In fact, getting out of bed, when your thoughts are wreaking havoc inside your mind for over 20 minutes, can also be a great way to overcome overthinking and sleeplessness.

    While you are out of your bed, keep your bedroom dimly lit, write down your thoughts about the present moment in your notepad and release them by closing your journal. Engage in some relaxing activities like meditation and then go back to bed when you start feeling sleepy again. Relax mindfully by focusing on your breath and allowing yourself to sleep. This can prove to be more effective than lying on your bed and worrying about falling asleep.

    7. Practice deep breathing

    Breathing exercises are a great way to get rid of overthinking and racing thoughts at night. Deep breathing is a powerful technique for controlling your thoughts and calming your mind. Studies have found that deep breathing or diaphragmatic breathing can help to manage negative thoughts & emotions and stress levels. Researchers further add that “deep breathing technique is capable to induce an effective improvement in mood and stress.”

    The 4-7-8 deep breathing method has been found to promote sleep & relaxation and reduce overthinking before bedtime. All you need to do is –

    • Breathe in through your nose for a mental count of 4
    • Hold your breath for a count of 7
    • Breathe out through your mouth for a count of 8

    Always make sure to exhale for a longer period of time than you inhale. If your mind starts to wander off, bring your focus back to your breathing. You can try this relaxation exercise for 10 minutes every night before sleep.

    8. Distract your mind

    While the techniques above can certainly help you avoid racing thoughts at night, there will be times when you won’t be able to shake intrusive thoughts no matter how hard you try. While these extreme experiences will be few and far between, they will still occur and the best technique to deal with them is to distract your brain from these thoughts. 

    Instead of getting caught up in overthinking, deliberately shift your focus and think about something more positive. Let your thoughts be invested in things that make you feel happy, like your interests or a story or movie you liked. However, whatever you think about should not be of any importance to you so that your brain doesn’t hold on to that specific thought. You can also daydream about something as long as it is unimportant and fun.

    Related: 8 Signs You’re An Overthinker (Even If You Don’t Think You Are!)

    Another helpful strategy is making up purposeless mental lists, such as a list of your favorite superheroes or your favorite musicians. However, do not get overly serious about these lists as it is only a tool for distraction from having racing thoughts at night. And if nothing seems to work, simply try the old-school and proven counting sheep strategy. You will be snoring before you can count 50.

    ways to stop overthinking before sleep

    12 More ways to stop overthinking before sleep

    Here are some other ways to stop racing thoughts at night from ruining your sleep – 

    Make sure your bedroom has the right temperature and is neither too cold nor too warm.

    Follow a consistent sleep schedule and good sleep hygiene

    Practice yoga regularly for improving sleep quality

    Get some exposure to sunlight on a daily basis and make sure your bedroom is dark when going to sleep

    Do not look at the clock to know the time if you wake up in the middle of the night as it can result in sleeplessness and anxiety

    Although short daytime naps can be beneficial, napping during the day due to sleeplessness caused by racing thoughts at night can lead to chronic insomnia

    Follow a healthy diet and eat nutritious food. Make sure your meals are high in protein, carbs and fat for a better sleep

    Listen to some soothing and relaxing music, like LoFi tracks, as it can help you calm down and relax before bedtime and avoid overthinking

    Use essential oils and aromatherapy to promote relaxation and sleep faster

    Avoid excessive consumption of caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs as it can cause stress, overthinking and insomnia

    Use supplements and sleep aids that can improve your sleep quality such as L–theanine, Magnesium, GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid), Amino acid 5-HTP and Melatonin

    Consult a healthcare professional if your issues persist more than two weeks as it may be caused by some underlying physical or mental health condition

    Why do you have racing thoughts at night? 

    Now that you know how to stop racing thoughts at night, let us understand why this happens in the first place as it will help us better to manage our anxious thoughts that creep up as soon as it’s bedtime.

    The human brain is primarily an information processing machine that breaks down, understands and stores all the information it receives throughout the day. “The brain works like a big computer. It processes information that it receives from the senses and body, and sends messages back to the body,” explain researchers. Thanks to our brain, we are capable of thoughts and experience emotions conjured up by those thoughts. 

    With our lives being extremely fast-paced and hectic nowadays and our lifestyle being in complete disarray, the brain is unable to get any time to process everything. Sadly, the only time our brain gets to process the innumerable information thrown at it during the day is when we go to bed and finally rest our mind to fall asleep. So when we have racing thoughts at night, it is simply because our brain is mainly trying to process and store information so that we can make better decisions. 

    Every single day we encounter tons of new information with very limited downtime in between for the brain to process all that information. And our brain needs some gaps between receiving information so that it can effectively process the thoughts we have throughout the day.

    Related: 11 Mental Tricks To STOP Overthinking

    Overthinking at night is how our brain tries to make sense of all the stress and chaos we went through during the day. However, people with high levels of anxiety and anxiety disorders are more prone to having racing thoughts at night. Moreover, chronic or uncontrollable stress over a period of time may also contribute to overthinking before bedtime, even in individuals not experiencing anxiety or related mental health conditions.

    Hence, situations that lead to high levels of stress, such as breakups or divorce, grief, job loss, financial instability or deadlines at work often lead to overthinking and insomnia. Regardless of the actual cause, overthinking at night can be a serious health issue that can negatively affect your career, relationship, social and personal life, if left unaddressed.

    stop overthinking

    This is why mindfulness meditation is such a helpful strategy to calm your mind before sleep. Scheduling a little bit of downtime each day to experience calm and mindfulness can allow your brain the time to process the information so that it does not run a race every night.

    Sleep well tonight

    You deserve to get some good sleep tonight. Well, you deserve to sleep better every night. You have earned it. All you need to do now, is follow the tips mentioned above and if you are still unable to stop racing thoughts at night, make sure to talk to a professional.

    Almost all of us experience overthinking before sleep from time to time. But if it happens too frequently and if it goes out of your control, then it can become a serious issue. However, it can be managed and overcome easily with a little effort. The helpful tools we have discussed here will empower you to build better sleep habits and a more positive lifestyle that improves your sleep and reduce racing thoughts and insomnia.

    So turn off your device. Turn the lights off. Take a few deep breaths. And just relax.

    Let the sandman come to you, sprinkle some sand in your eyes and take you off to dreamland.

    Good night!

    Related: How To STOP Overthinking As A Highly Sensitive Person

    How to stop overthinking before sleep pinex
    How to stop overthinking before sleep pin
  • What Men Look For In A Partner According To Science

    Men aren’t that hard to please. Experiments and research have figured out what men look for in a partner. Take a look at the top ten things below.

    Have you ever wondered why some women easily attract men more than others? While charm and attitude are vital, it isn’t everything.

    For men, looking for a partner is one of their most critical decisions. They naturally put A LOT of effort into this thought.

    After all, men are not only looking for a person who looks good but can also support them, share their joy, and ride the rollercoaster of life with them.

    Nowadays, the secret to making a guy wants you to be his partner is promised in every magazine, blog, or podcast.

    But what if we told you there are science-backed ways to increase your chances of making a man want to commit to you for life?

    Related: 5 Things Men Look For In Someone Who is Marriage Material

    What Men Look For In A Partner? 10 Things According To Science and Psychology

    Most women crave a person who will love, appreciate, and cherish them. Men are the same.

    But what are men really looking for in a partner? Brains? Beauty? Kitchen prowess? Ambition?

    The answer is a little more complicated than that.

    While no magic trick will motivate a man to make you his partner overnight, you can certainly increase your chances of achieving this by building these qualities below.

    1. Men want someone that will make them feel like a hero

    Scientifically what do men look for in a partner is it love or attraction?

    It’s normal for women to fantasize about finding their Mr. Right or Prince Charming. But did you know this can be translated to reality through the hero instinct?

    Hero instinct is a concept coined by relationship expert James Bauer.

    It’s based on fulfilling a man’s biological drive to feel needed, respected and to live a meaningful life with purpose.

    According to Bauer, this instinct is ingrained in every man.

    But to have your very own Prince Charming swoop you away, you need to understand how to trigger a man’s hero instinct.

    The good news:

    It’s simpler than you think. All you need to do is make a man feel needed.

    Men want to feel strong and heroic, and it is your job to allow them to do this.

    As much as you can, create opportunities for him to help, protect, and love you.

    Once you activate his hero instinct, your man will find you irresistible.

    But how?

    First:

    Compliment him. Be specific, though.

    Instead of saying, “You look so nice today,” say something along the lines of “I love that hairstyle on you” or “You’re such a great cook. This is one of the best dinners I’ve had in a while.”

    Complimenting him when you’re alone is important.

    But it’s even more effective when you do this in front of others.

    This will make him feel like a million bucks.

    Second:

    Seek his help, even if you don’t believe in traditional gender roles.

    Give him a chance to show effort.

    Ask him to pick up heavy items, do some manual labor, or fix something broken in your home.

    When he helps you and you thank him for it, he’ll feel awesome, boosting his self-esteem.

    Even if you’re an independent woman capable of caring for yourself, letting your man serve you occasionally will stroke his hero instinct.

    Related: 8 Things Men Look For In The Women Of Their Dreams And Its Not Related To Looks!

    2. Men want someone with a dependable character

    Men prefer to be with someone who has a dependable character

    Researchers at the University of Iowa have proven that men are becoming more interested in a partner who is not only intelligent and educated but also has a dependable character.

    Today’s generation of men grew up having females as role models (my mom is a single mother of 3 kids).

    So it makes sense for them to want someone that can share their burden.

    Dependability is a fundamental quality of a good partner.

    If you are dependable, it means you consistently do what you promise.

    You show up if your partner needs you.

    Not just at times when you want to.

    When your man knows he can count on you, it will develop his feelings for you even more.

    After all, nobody wants to be with someone who won’t be there for them.

    3. Men prefer women who wear natural-looking makeup

    A natural looking woman is one of the things men look for when dating

    According to a survey by Zoosk, men claim that they prefer natural-looking women.

    Out of over 1,200 women who wore eye makeup in their profile photo, only 139 were more likely to get messages from men.

    Women who tend to wear darker makeup were also less likely to get asked out.

    I’m not saying you should throw away all your expensive makeup today.

    What I’m suggesting is that no man wants a woman who turns back into a pumpkin at midnight.

    But then again, take this with a grain of salt.

    Women who wear makeup tend to apply it to feel more confident about themselves, not to please others.

    A strong woman won’t instantly get a makeup remover wipe just because a man tells her to.

    At the end of the day, people who radiate positivity and confidence are the clear winners.

    4. Men crave openness, kindness, and assertiveness in a woman

    Men want a woman who is open and kind

    Many women falsely think their physical appearance is the decisive factor that will make a man commit to them.

    While this factor is undeniably important, it’s not the end game.

    One study that examined the influence of personality on physical attractiveness found that men deemed a woman’s openness, kindness, and assertiveness important, especially those who are older.

    Men want a woman who will be kind to them, accept them for who they are, and know what she wants.

    A man’s physical attraction to a woman is inevitable.

    But if he keeps that attraction for a woman over time, he will see the real her.

    And it is that woman’s personality and character that will make him keep coming back for more.

    5. Men want an honest woman

    One of the things men look for in women is honesty

    Another study that evaluated the effect of personality on perceptions of a target’s physical attributes found that women who were described as honest were seen as more attractive.

    This isn’t surprising. Men naturally want an honest partner.

    In fact: They constantly yearn for someone with this quality.

    A partner that can be honest about what she wants is refreshing in a world full of fake people.

    When a woman is honest, she is trustworthy, which makes a man feel more secure around her.

    Honesty in a partner makes a man feel like he can be himself around her, which is the ultimate sign of compatibility.

    After all, you can’t build a lasting relationship with someone you don’t trust.

    Related: What Men Really Want From You: 5 Laws Of Attraction

    6. Men prefer to be with someone who appreciates their humor

    Men prefer women who appreciates their sense of humor

    One of life’s simplest truths is this:

    Women want someone who makes them laugh, and men want someone who laughs at their jokes.

    This complementary concept is not random.

    Researchers have found that both men and women use humor to attract each other and signal interest.

    But as your relationship progresses, your humor also changes, and it becomes a means for both of you to soothe each other and help you overcome rough patches.

    Humor comes in many forms. 

    It can be sarcastic, ironic, satirical, and even witty. 

    While many people view humor as something that is just surface, it’s an excellent means to communicate intelligence.

    As your bond with the man of your dreams becomes stronger, you’ll realize that humor is not just about jokes.

    It’s about sharing a special moment of laughter that brings you closer together.

    7. Men want a partner that shows vulnerability but not neediness

    Men prefer women who show vulnerability

    Being a partner to someone requires you to be vulnerable.

    Vulnerability requires putting your walls down and showing a different side of you.

    This act involves bearing your heart, and while risky, it can be gratifying and liberating.

    However:

    One of the struggles of women is knowing where to draw the line between vulnerability and neediness. While these two sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, they can easily slide from one end to the other.

    According to psychologists and relationship experts, vulnerability is a sign of strength and security. It means that you feel confident enough to share your inner self. 

    In contrast:

    Neediness is a sign of insecurity, showing that you are desperate for the other person to accept you.

    While vulnerability makes a man feel trusted, neediness sucks out his energy.

    When you’re needy, you constantly need your partner to make you feel better or whole.

    Needing someone does not automatically equate to neediness.

    On the extreme end of the spectrum, it is characterized by a constant demand for affection, a lack of self-confidence, and a fear of abandonment.

    8. You should know how to use body language to your advantage

    One of the things men prefer women to do is when you express yourself through body language

    It’s common to hear advice from relationship experts about the best ways to talk to your partner.

    But knowing what you should physically do to keep your relationship healthy is only sometimes discussed.

    As the cliché goes, it’s not just about your words that show how you feel.

    One of the universal ways to display how you feel is through body language.

    Research proves that body language plays a substantial part in making a man want someone to be his partner.

    For example:

    Open body posture is a sign of confidence, quality men love.

    That’s not all.

    Even simple mistakes like twisting your waist or positioning your body away from your man when talking indicates that you’re not interested or present.

    This will make him feel like he is not important to you.

    Instead of clamming up, use body language to your advantage when you talk.

    Put your hand on his back or shoulder to show support and acknowledgment.

    9. Men want a partner they can trust

    Among the top 10 things men look for in a woman loyalty matters the most

    In a survey of over 7,000 Australian online dating users that asked respondents to rate nine characteristics of potential partners, it was found:

    As men grow older, they place great importance on openness and trust.

    Trust in your relationship creates a solid foundation for your bond. 

    Without it, it’s impossible to build intimacy.

    Even the world’s leading psychologists encourage individuals to develop trust in their relationships.

    When you can show trust in your man, it shows that you know they will have your back.

    More importantly, it helps you navigate challenges and conflicts better.

    So how can you build trust?

    Establishing trust is about consistently trying to do things right.

    You may be tempted to apologize and feel remorseful when you hurt your partner’s feelings.

    But to your partner, saying “sorry” is not enough. 

    Instead of saying sorry, you must do something to make amends.

    Another way to show that you are trustworthy is by making your word count. 

    When you speak, it’s important to carry out what you say.

    If you make a promise, follow through.

    10. Men love intelligent women

    Most men love intelligent women

    To look like a stereotypical provider, many men in the past wanted a woman they could teach. 

    Because of this, millions of women all over the world downplayed their intelligence to stroke a man’s ego.

    However, the tables have now turned.

    This phenomenon is called the “Clooney Effect,” a nod to one of the most publicized relationships in recent years – actor George Clooney and human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin.

    Helen Fisher’s annual study on American singles for Match.com, which involved over 5,600 singles across the country, found out:

    87% of men said they would date a woman who is more educated, intellectual, and made more money than they did.

    To put it bluntly, being smart and intelligent is a turn-on.

    While most men don’t want a woman out to prove she’s smarter than him, they do want a woman who can challenge them and hold her own.

    For starters:

    Knowing how to get things done is one of the qualities that men find attractive. 

    If you’re with a man, show that you’re capable.

    By doing this, you’re creating an opportunity where he will feel proud to be seen with you.

    Related: 4 Unspoken Traits Every Man Looks For In A Partner

    These were some of the things men look for in a woman based on Science. Which one of these do you relate to? Share your thoughts in the comments below on how to attract men you like.

    Written by: Sebastian Klein
    What Men Look For In A Partner Science pin
  • 10 Ways To Stop Ruminating

    Rumination if not reigned in at the right time can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional health. That’s why it’s important to know when and how to stop ruminating, whenever things start to feel too overwhelming.

    Key Points

    • The mind seeks an answer or meaning in any experience. Consequently, people try to think through an experience to better understand a problem.
    • The average brain generates 15,000 to 50,000 thoughts in a day, and most are negative.
    • Studies show that a 90-minute walk in nature or a single session of exercise can reduce symptoms of rumination.

    One of the most plaguing consequences of sibling estrangement is the thought pattern of rumination: rehashing the same thoughts, over and over, even when those thoughts breed sadness or negativity.

    Many rejected siblings – and even some who chose to terminate the relationship — find themselves constantly mulling over, “What did I do? What was my role in the cutoff? Can I fix this?”

    Related: The Ruminating Mind: 4 Steps To Deal With Negative Thoughts

    Why do people ruminate?

    “We are natural problem solvers,” explains Canadian psychotherapist Ali-John Chaudhary, who specializes in sibling estrangement. “The mind will seek out an answer or a sense of meaning in any experience. People assume that if they think through an issue, they’ll better understand it and resolve it.”

    Some people ruminate as a result of previous trauma. Those prone to depression may get stuck in “loop” thinking, perpetuating a sense of blame and shame, worsening a negative mental state.

    “In the worst cases,” Chaudhary says, “rumination can contribute to isolation. Dwelling on the negative, constantly discussing bitter thoughts with others, can drive people away.”

    As one woman who is estranged from her sibling said, “Rumination can cripple people mentally and cause a lot of anxiety and self-gaslighting.”

    Those who self-gaslight frequently internalize abuse to which they’ve been subjected, convincing themselves that their tormentor’s perceptions are accurate.

    They’re unable to “turn off” doubt-inducing thoughts running insistently through their mind. “Maybe things weren’t so bad,” they may think. Or, “S/he didn’t really mean that.” Or, “Maybe I deserve to be treated like this.”

    Even when a ruminating person recognizes that these thought patterns are self-destructive, they don’t know how to stop. Many feel they’re hostages of their own negative thoughts, yet they lack the tools to free themselves.

    The benefits you experience when you stop ruminating

    10 Ways To Stop Ruminating

    Stopping the pattern takes discipline.

    Here are some effective ways to derail rumination:

    1. Find a way to distract yourself. Call a friend — and talk about anything but the thoughts troubling you. Exercise, tackle some chores, work on a puzzle, watch a movie, or spend time in nature.

    A 2014 study found that after a 90-minute nature walk, people reported fewer symptoms of rumination. And a 2018 study determined that a single session of exercise reduced symptoms of rumination. Try for optimal results by combining exercise with time outdoors.

    Related: How Rigid Thinking And Rumination Undermines Your Health And Life

    2. Make an action plan for doing what you can to address the problem. Determine what you can control, and write down your ideas to emphasize their importance.

    3. Move forward by taking one of the actions you’ve identified.

    4. Challenge your own thinking. Ask yourself if your troubling thoughts are accurate. The National Science Foundation reports that the average brain generates 15,000 to 50,000 thoughts daily. Most are negative, and up to 90 percent are repetitive.

    These Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) can cause chronic stress, even changing your brain chemistry by depleting “feel-good” neurotransmitters (serotonin and dopamine). Consciously replace ANTs with positive affirmations, even if you feel silly at first. Building positive habits is an important aspect of self-care.

    5. Adjust your life goals, perhaps reducing expectations of yourself and others.

    6. Enhance self-esteem by building upon existing strengths, or sample new activities to discover where you can excel. Poor self-esteem is closely associated with increased rumination.

    7. Meditation can reduce rumination by promoting a calm emotional state and grounding you in the present moment. It also helps identify the connection between thoughts and feelings. When you catch yourself ruminating, sit down, breathe deeply, and focus just on your breathing.

    8. Identify – and then avoid — your triggers. When you start ruminating, note where you are, the time of day, who’s around you, and what you’ve been doing. In today’s world, even watching the news or scrolling through social media may be triggers. A “diet” restricting news and social media can help.

    Related: Ruminating: 8 Tricks That Can Help You Control Repetitive Thinking

    9. Set a timer. Allow yourself to feel disturbing emotions for a set period. Then place a rubber band around your wrist. Each time you find yourself returning to negative thoughts, snap the rubber band. This will make you more aware of your repetitious thought patterns.

    10. If rumination becomes too intense, you may want to work with a therapist to help identify the core issues that are fueling rumination.

    As Buddha said, “Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts.” Those who ruminate know the deep truth of this statement — and the wisdom of acting on it.

    Want to know more about how to stop ruminating thoughts? Check this video out below!

    To learn more, buy The Sibling Estrangement Journal! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLLTT6SJ#SalesRank

    References: 

    Bratman, Gregory N., (2015) "Nature experience reduces rumination and subgenual prefrontal cortex activation," PNAS, Volume 112. No. 28  
Brand, Serge, (2018) "Acute Bouts of Exercising Improved Mood, Rumination and Social Interaction in Inpatients With Mental Disorders," Frontiers in Psychology, Published online 2018 Mar 13. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00249
    Written By Fern Schumer Chapman
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
    Ways To Stop Ruminating pinex
    Ways To Stop Ruminating pin
  • 5 Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Life And Relationships

    Blaming others is easy when you aren’t happy in life, but what if they’re your actions? Here are 5 ways you may be sabotaging your life with certain behaviors.

    Nobody really wants to know the small things that we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

    Why? Because it’s way easier to ignore them and watch Netflix, hoping that things will just fix themselves.

    Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.

    If we want to live our best life, full of love and joy, and contentment, it is very important that we do things that help us in that goal, not sabotage us.

    That way, if we know where are opportunities are for growth, we can look at them and make a plan to fix them.

    To that end, here are 5 small things we do that sabotage our lives and our relationships so that you can understand the things that you might do so you can bring about change.

    self-sabotage

    5 Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Life Without Knowing It

    1. You judge yourself

    So, be honest. How much time do you spend beating yourself up for all of your shortcomings?

    How often do you look in the mirror and hate what you see? How often do you think of yourself as a loser because you can’t seem to get anything done?

    How often do you think that your friends don’t really like you? How often do you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life?

    I am guessing the answers to many of those questions, and to many more, are yes and that you judge yourself for it every day.

    You judge yourself

    For years I tried to find a career that suited me. I tried to go back to school to be a nutrition coach. I sold real estate. I worked front desk at a hotel. I tried my hand at baking and started a small business selling frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

    What came of any of them? Nothing. Each one I started and never finished.

    And did that make me feel good about myself? Um, nope.

    Instead, I judged myself. I had always believed that if I was a smarter, more determined person I would be able to do whatever I wanted to do but, with each time that I let myself down, I believed that less and less.

    And that self judgment led to me spending a lot of time on the couch, watching soap operas, waiting for my kids to come home. Ugh.

    Related: 10 Signs Of Healthy Boundaries

    2. You play the victim.

    The flip side of judging ourselves is playing the victim, is believing that everything that is happening in our lives is someone else’s fault.

    I know that when ex-husband left me for another woman I was devastated. It left me depressed and alone and I blamed all of it on my ex-husband and his new wife.

    I believed that if he had done what he always said he would do, namely not leave me, we would still be together. I believed that if she had respect for women, she would respect me and my family. I believed that if we only hadn’t had to move for his job, we would still be together.

    You play the victim

    What I didn’t do was take an accounting of my role in the divorce.

    I hadn’t been a great wife in later years. I had been depressed and focused on the kids. I was always either criticizing him or ignoring him. I rarely touched him and we never had sex.

    But I didn’t think of any of those things. I just sat around, wallowing in my victimhood, not moving forward in any good way.

    It was once I stopped blaming them that I started to heal. It was once that I took accountability for my role in the demise of our relationship and I was able to start learning how I could do things differently that I started to be able to move forward with my life, to find a new relationship and start a new business.

    Playing the victim is one of those small things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

    If we could work harder at accepting that we have some responsibility in our lives, without judging ourselves for being less than if we have made a mistake, then we will have the opportunity to move forward towards the life, and the love, that we want.

    3. You live in the past.

    Again, be honest. How much time have you spent today thinking about the past. Playing those negative tapes over and over, bringing yourself down in the process.

    You know those negative tapes – the ones where you replay everything bad that you have ever said in your whole life, where you think about that boy in high school who you didn’t kiss and he told the whole school that he got to second base, when you told your friend that she looked fat or made that mistake at work that caused the company a contract.

    stop sabotaging your life by living in the past

    You know what I mean, all the things, little and big, that you did once that make you feel squeamish.

    All the things that just remind you more about what a loser you are and will always be.

    Living in the past is the number one thing that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships. Focusing on the regrets that we have and not looking towards to future at what we can do differently.

    And why is always looking to the past something that can hold us back? Because it is the past and you can’t change the past.

    Furthermore, by focusing on things that we did in the past and wish that we could do differently, we are wasting time creating a story in our heads that may or may not be true.

    I know that I wish I had gone on that date with Shawn on Friday, July 2, 1999 because I know that, if I had, we would have gotten married and had kids and been rich and we would have lived happily ever after.

    And maybe that would have been the case. Or maybe we would have gone on that date and been robbed on the way home. Or maybe we wouldn’t have been able to have kids. Or maybe I would get sick and die young and he would fall into a deep depression.

    Do you see what I mean? We focus on all of the regrets that we have, thinking that, if we had chosen things differently, we would have been happier but, in fact, we have no idea what our lives would have looked like if we had done things in another way.

    What we can control is the present and the future. We can learn from our regrets and do things differently this time around. Instead of looking to the past, we can look to the future, with a plan, determine to live the life that we want.

    4. You kill time on social media.

    If I was in charge of the world, social media wouldn’t exist.

    I know, it’s a great thing for so many reasons.

    We can stay connected to our friends, buy things we need, expose ourselves to thoughts different from our own, learn the definition of ‘finifugal’ and when will we have the best beach weather.

    But it is also so horrible for so many reasons. It gives us FOMO, it forces us to compare our lives to other people and makes us feel less than. It tells us to buy things we don’t need. It leads us to places that its algorithm wants us to go.

    AND, it’s all a HUGE waste of time. HUGE.

    you are self sabotaging your relationship with yourself by too much time on social media

    I believe that wasting time on social media is one of the worst things we do that sabotages our life and relationships.

    Not only do we lie on our beds, or on our coaches, for hours, not getting up and walking around or interacting with other people or applying for that job or calling our moms, but we are also being bombarded 24/7 with the idea that we need more, we are less than, that the world is falling apart, that being old is bad and we should just curl up in a closet and die.

    I truly can’t think of one thing that sabotages our lives more than social media. And I know that it’s not going anywhere but I am hoping that someday we all realize the effect it is having on our lives and take steps to change that.

    5. You live with toxicity.

    I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t so satisfied with the state of your life.

    That you wish that you could be happier, that you could accomplish more, that you could find the love and happiness that you want.

    And good for you – we all want that.

    Let me ask you, is there someone in your life, perhaps sitting next to you on the couch, who is bringing toxicity into your life?

    Someone who cuts you down for who you are and the choices you make. Someone who says they love you but then treats you with contempt and disdain. Someone who is keeping you from living the life that you want. Someone who you wish would just love you like you love them.

    And, do you know, deep down, that these things are not okay, but are you not able to walk away?

    Living with toxicity is one of those things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

    you're sabotaging yourself by living in toxicity

    When we are constantly exposed to a toxic person, much like a toxic chemical, we get sick. We lose confidence, we alienate ourselves from others, we take abuse that makes us question what love is, we get depressed and anxious and paralyzed.

    It is so important that, if we want the life and the relationships that we dream about, we let go of the toxicity in our lives.

    Maybe it’s a lover, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a work colleague or just that barista who is so rude every day.

    Whoever it is, if someone is poisoning your wellbeing with their toxicity, it’s time for them to go.

    Related: What Is Toxic Positivity And How To Deal With It

    So, there you go – 5 small things that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships.

    So often it seems like the bigger things – a break up, an illness, a lay-off, a death – are things throw us off track, and sometimes they can be, but it’s the little things, the thousand little cuts, that really  take us down.

    It’s the judging ourselves for all of the things that we can’t do or the blaming of others for them. It’s the living in the past and living with toxicity as it slowly eats us alive. It’s the letting social media use up our time and our energy and our wellbeing, keeping us on the couch and not out in the world.

    Stop sabotaging yourself in relationships and life

    So how about you? Can you recognize that you are just a person in the world, doing the best that you can, and that so is the next person? Can you not look to the past but to the future and let go of the toxicity around you? Can you get a lock box for your phone, put it in there and get out for a walk with a friend?

    You can do all of those things, I know you can, and get the life you want!

    Related: What Is Emotional Wellness and How it Leads To Happiness

    Do you have any self sabotaging behaviors or sabotaging yourself in relationships? If yes, share your thoughts in the comments below.

    Written by: Mitzi Bockmann
    Originally appeared: Let Your Dreams Begin
    Ways You're Sabotaging Your Life And Relationships pin
  • Cookie Jarring, The Latest Dating Trend: 8 Signs You Are A Victim

    Modern dating is as it is so very tricky to navigate, with all sorts of toxic trends being there and all, like ghosting, breadcrumbing, pocketing, etc. Now there’s another toxic dating trend that is, unfortunately, gaining a lot of popularity these days, known as cookie jarring.

    Even though the term sounds a bit funny, the practice is really not. Being cookie jarred and dealing with cookie jarring is one of the most difficult and emotionally painful experiences there is. Before we dive deep into the signs of cookie jarring, it’s important to know what does cookie jarring mean.

    Related: When The Married Man You’re Dating Ghosts You: This Is What It Means

    Cookie jarring is a dating trend where your ‘partner’ puts you in the ‘cookie jar’, while they pursue another relationship. Basically, they put you on standby and make all sorts of false promises about how they are serious about you and like you, but they never seem to make good on their promises.

    They will want to sleep with you, go out on dates with you, call you, and text you regularly, but will not get into a serious relationship with you. They might be in a serious relationship with someone else, but they want you on the side too.

    Cookie jarring in relationships happens because the one who is guilty of doing it is insecure. They always need someone on the side to fulfill their desires, in case their primary partner is not giving them what they want.

    If their partner is busy, they will hit you up to go on a date. If they feel lonely and their partner is busy, they will turn to you to make them feel better. All you are for them is a second option, and nothing more.

    So, are you being cookie jarred?

    Cookie jarring

    1. You have started to suspect they’re in a relationship with someone else.

    No matter how many times they tell you that they are single, you just know that they are seeing someone else. You have noticed that they avoid going to certain places with you, always keep their phone facedown when they are with you, refuse to share their password, and get flustered when you want to talk about the future of your relationship.

    You might find their phone busy at late hours and when you ask them about it, they get defensive and argumentative. All the signs point towards them dating someone else apart from you.

    Related: 7 MAJOR Signs You Are A Victim Of Pocketing

    2. You don’t feel like you have an important position in their life.

    You have not met any of their friends. They claim to be serious about you but have made no effort in introducing you to their family. They don’t really care about your wishes and expectations, no matter how hurt you may feel.

    All of these are major warning signs that you are not important in their life, and they are simply taking you for a ride. They always try to keep you separate from their personal lives, and when you try to talk to them about this, they avoid the conversation and even avoid you.

    3. You almost never go out together in public.

    This is one of the biggest red flags that you are being cookie jarred. If your partner never goes out with you in public, and only prefers to spend time with you at home, then it can be one of two things or maybe even both – they are ashamed of you, or they don’t want to be seen with you in public.

    Maybe they are dating other people, or they don’t want to bump into someone familiar. If you were important to them, and if you were the only one for them, then they would never hide you from everyone else. If your partner is being shady like this, then don’t take this lightly.

    4. You never get to talk about your future together.

    If someone is genuinely interested in you and sees a future together with you, you won’t have to force them or chase them to talk about this; they will want to discuss your future together. But if your partner is not doing this, then unfortunately, they have no interest in being with you in the long term.

    They will either avoid talking about it or will simply start avoiding you. You deserve better than this, and if you are being treated like this, then you shouldn’t give them an important position in your life.

    Related: What Is Monkey Branching In Relationships? 35 Signs Your Partner Has A Side Babe

    5. Whenever you want to end things, they start to shower love on you.

    One of the biggest reasons behind cookie jarring is that they don’t want to feel lonely, so they keep you on standby so that when they need someone to support them, you will be there to do so.

    So, the moment you start to give up on them and make the decision of breaking up, they leave no stone unturned in wooing you. They will shower you with gifts, love, attention, and time, and will make you feel like the center of their Universe.

    This is a manipulative tactic that stops you from leaving them and every time you think of ending things, they will trick you into coming back.

    6. They always promise that they’ll leave their partner/spouse, but it never happens.

    They always try to convince you that they will leave their partner and pursue a monogamous relationship with you, but they never seem to keep their word. When you confront them about this, they make all sorts of excuses like they need some more time, or their partner is problematic & that’s why they feel apprehensive.

    The actual truth is that they have no intention of breaking up, all they want to do is keep you as a backup so that they always have someone to lean on whenever they did something, or when they feel lonely. For them, you are nothing but a spare.

    Cookie jarring

    7. They never post about you on social media.

    Neither do they post about you on social media, nor do they let you. You are always treated as a dirty secret that can never be revealed to the public. At the same time, they have no problem posting pictures with other people, including their partner/spouse.

    Even if you have been together for quite some time, they will refuse to make the relationship public, no matter how much it may bother you or hurt you.

    Related: STOP Dating Him Immediately! 3 Warning Signs He’s Playing You

    8. They never answer their phones in front of you.

    If your partner feels uncomfortable answering calls in your presence, and even waits to text back unless you are out of the room, then it’s a massive red flag for cookie jarring. This means that they are trying to hide something, maybe another romantic partner.

    If you are serious about someone, you shouldn’t feel scared, apprehensive, or awkward answering calls and texts in their presence. So if your partner is being shady like this, be careful, because they’re definitely up to something.

    If you can relate to most or all of these signs, then unfortunately you are having to deal with cookie jarring. You deserve better, and you deserve someone who will give all of them to you, instead of scraps here and there.

    Let such a toxic person go, and even though it might hurt at first, trust me, the right person WILL come along at the right time and will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

    Want to know more about whether your partner is serious about you or not? Check this video out below!

    Major Warning Signs Of Cookie Jarring pinex
    Major Warning Signs Of Cookie Jarring pin
  • 5 Moments When You Are Most At Risk of Sibling Estrangement

    International siblings day 2023 is knocking at the door. The Minds Journal Brings to you a special post on sibling estrangement.

    Sibling estrangement, just like parental estrangement can be very painful to deal with. Even if you are not particularly close with each other, emotional distance from them is bound to hurt, because you will always have that sibling connection. Let’s find out what causes sibling estrangement, and the main reasons for sibling estrangement.

    Key Points:

    • Estrangement often occurs when a sibling’s life changes and he or she must redefine his or her role in the family.
    • To steer clear of a sibling cutoff, being mindful of the risk factors for estrangement can help.
    • Siblings renegotiate their relationship over time.

    Certain moments are especially vulnerable for the sibling relationship, as brothers and sisters must renegotiate how they interact with one another over the course of a lifetime.

    In fact, estrangement often occurs when a sibling’s life circumstances change and he or she must redefine his or her role in the family.

    Here are some of the perilous turning points in sibling relationships.

    5 Moments When You Are Most at Risk of Sibling Estrangement

    1. Adolescence.

    A teenage sibling, individuating and creating his or her own identity, leaves home for college or a job. He or she may challenge parental authority, changing the established sibling relationships and dynamics in the family.

    When my older brother left for college, he wanted to leave behind the dysfunction and difficult relationships in our family. While he and I were never particularly close, we did have a sibling connection.

    However, at this moment, he chose to leave the past behind him, and our relationship becomes a casualty of his desire to abandon the problems of the family.

    Sibling estrangement

    Related: 30+ Hilarious Siblings Day Memes To Celebrate An Unbreakable Bond

    2. Marriage.

    A new in‐law joins the family and may want to control how much time the couple will spend with parents and siblings. The new in‐law may have values and beliefs that differ from those of the original family, although such issues aren’t essential to cause strife.

    At one possible extreme, a sibling or child marries someone who turns out to be a narcissist. One reader wrote to me about how her new daughter-in-law removed her son from the family:

    “It started slowly and in time the spouse has increased with more and more control, brainwashing, and gaslighting on our son. Our narcissistic daughter-in-law seems to have a calculated plan. She has completely changed our son and cut him off from the family. Nothing we do in his and my granddaughters’ lives seems to change this.”

    Related: 7 Warning Signs You Have A Toxic Sibling

    3. Birth of a baby.

    As a sibling focuses on his or her new family, some family members may feel abandoned or betrayed. Often, sibling rivalry continues into adulthood; siblings may even compete with each other through their children.

    At its worst, an estrangement occurs, and aunts and uncles may be heartbroken if they don’t have the opportunity to develop a relationship with their nieces and nephews.

    Estranged siblings, when denied the role of aunt or uncle, also may find that their children suffer from not having the opportunity to know their cousins.

    Indeed, children often are caught in the crossfire of sibling estrangement, with damage extending through generations. When her nieces were young, one woman said, she enjoyed a close relationship with them.

    But when her sister cut her off, she lost relations with the entire family. Being deprived of the relationship with her nieces, she said, has been more devastating than the estrangement from her sister.

    4. Divorce and marital problems.

    The emotional and possible financial responsibilities of helping a divorcing family member—or one whose marriage is in trouble—may overwhelm one sibling, creating disagreements over how to handle the situation or resentment at an unevenly shared burden.

    In an especially painful twist, one woman revealed the truth when she learned that her brother-in-law was cheating on her sister.

    But the sister, far from confronting her husband, essentially “killed the messenger” by instead terminating her relationship with the sister who had shared the disturbing news.

    Related: What Sibling Abuse And Bullying Looks Like

    5. Parental illness, death, or inheritance.

    Siblings may stage a last-ditch competition for power, love, and family loyalty. Difficult conflicts arise over who will make health care arrangements and payments for an elderly parent; who will pay for long‐term care, and who will inherit treasured family possessions.

    Fights over money may become especially vicious as a parent approaches the last stage of life. Divisive topics, such as healthcare decisions and caregiving needs, may reignite old conflicts.

    Often, caregiving falls disproportionately on one sibling. Caring for parents as they decline is a relentless, painful vigil that may cause unprecedented strain and stress.

    A parent’s death may add to the pressure, rather than relieve it. Unresolved estate issues can entangle estranged siblings, and, in some cases, siblings who have had years of separation suddenly must interact again.

    Previously, I identified risk factors for sibling relationships. These include:

    • Family trauma
    • Parental Favoritism
    • Sibling Jealousy
    • Poor Communication Skills
    • Family Values, Judgments, and Choices
    • Political differences
    • Alcoholism addiction and other mental health issues
    • Money
    • Narcissistic families and siblings

    Those who hope to steer clear of a sibling cutoff should be mindful of the risk factors for a cutoff, as well as the perilous moments when a sibling relationship is most vulnerable.

    Want to know more about being estranged from siblings? Check this video out below!

    To learn more, buy The Sibling Estrangement Journal! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLLTT6SJ#SalesRank

    Written By Fern Schumer Chapman
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
    Moments Risk of Sibling Estrangement pin
  • How To Be More Likeable: 7 Psychology-Backed Ways To Become Attractive Instantly

    How can I be more likable without being too desperate? How can I be more charismatic so that others accept me openly? Well, psychology has your back. Here’s how to be more likeable. 




    Likeability is a powerful trait

    It’s like a superpower that can make your life easier and better. We all want to be liked! We can’t really help it. Being liked and respected by others, especially the people we care about, helps to boost our self-esteem & confidence and improves our mental & emotional health.

    No wonder, we often think about how we can become more likable. Not just based on our appearance, but psychologically as well. There are certain psychological hacks and tricks that can make us more likeable to others, however, we might need to put in some effort to do that.



    how to be more likeable

    Psychology backed ways to be more likeable 

    So if you are wondering how to be more likeable, here’s how psychology can help you.

    1. Look for common ground

    Find out what’s common between you and the person you want to attract. Psychologists believe that the more we have in common with someone, the more we like them. Psychology studies have found that people who share similar personality patterns tend to like each other more than people who have different or dissimilar patterns. “Similarity of undesirable traits mattered more for liking than similarity of desirable traits,” explain researchers.

    Related: 14 Handy Social Skills That’ll Make You More Likable Instantly




    Due to cognitive evaluation and self-expansion, we focus more on someone’s characteristics to see if they are compatible. When we meet someone with similar traits, we believe we can develop a strong emotional connection, learn more from them and experience opportunities for development.

    But wait, there are more psychology-backed strategies to explore when trying to figure out how to be more likeable.

    2. Copy their behavior

    This strategy is known as mirroring or the chameleon effect in psychology. Experts believe that when you subtly mimic or mirror someone’s behavior, they are more likely to engage with you and eventually like you. One study explains the chameleon effect as “nonconscious mimicry of the postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviors of one’s interaction partners, such that one’s behavior passively and unintentionally changes to match that of others in one’s current social environment.”

    So when you are talking to someone, make sure to copy their facial expressions, gestures, posture and stance. The sameness in your body language will subconsciously make the other person like you. Mirroring is a body language technique to increase attraction and rapport.

    “Being a ‘chameleon’ has social consequences. Typically, mimicking someone causes the mimickee to have more positive feelings about the mimicker,” explains a 2020 study. It is a playful way to keep the conversation flowing. As the other person’s subconscious mind notices your similar behavior, your likeability increases instantly. This is how to be more likeable in a short span of time. 

    Related: The Mirror Effect Of An Empath and Why Empaths Are Hated




    3. Be competent but clumsy

    Still wondering how to be more likeable? Then be highly skilled but make mistakes at times. We all love competent individuals who know how to face challenges. But when that competent person acts clumsily at times, they become even more attractive. This is known as the Pratfall Effect. It is a psychological phenomenon where a highly competent person is considered more likable when they make casual mistakes and blunders. 

    One 2014 study found that a “superior” individual can become more attractive when they make a “clumsy blunder”. However, a similar mistake by a “mediocre” person can make them less attractive. The study adds “A superior person may be viewed as superhuman and, therefore, distant; a blunder tends to. humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”

    So if you believe that you are usually a competent person, then being clumsy at times can make you more likable as it will reveal that you are flawed, vulnerable and imperfect, making you more relatable to others. When you reveal your flaws to others, they will be more kind, empathetic and compassionate towards you. 

    These psychological tricks to attract people can help you to get anyone to like you. But there are many other ways to be likeable and make people like you. Let us explore some more behaviors that help you connect with anyone and make anyone like you. 

    Related: Power-Packed Body Language Tips For Making A Killer First Impression

    how to be likeable

    How to be likeable

    Thinking about how to influence people? Likability is a trait that most of us can learn to develop. While some of us are born charismatic and funny, the rest of us can become equally likable just with a little effort. Here’s how to be more likeable and attractive to others –

    4. Improve your communication skills

    Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. How we communicate with others tells a lot about who we are. Developing strong communication skills will help you express yourself more clearly and connect with everyone you meet. 




    So how to be more likeable through better communication? We’ve got you covered.

    A. Talk more, but meaningfully

    Talk more often and share your knowledge and experiences on different topics with others. The more people get to know about you, the more they will like you. Add real value to conversations. 

    B. Be respectful towards others

    Be gentle and polite in your daily interactions, whether it’s with your loved ones or strangers. Avoid criticizing or judging people. Treat everyone with respect and others will connect with you more positively.

    C. Control your insecurities

    Never criticize yourself in front of others and always hold yourself in high regard without being arrogant or rude. Don’t let your insecurities affect how you communicate. Speak confidently and honestly and be assertive. People will treat you the way you treat yourself.

    Related: 17 Hand Gestures That Can Improve Your Communication




    D. Listen actively without interrupting the other person

    Genuinely listen to what the other person has to say, use body language and verbal cues to respond appropriately. When you listen empathetically and without judgment, you will learn more about the other person and build a deeper connection.

    ways to be likeable

    Mastering communication is one of the key aspects to know about when finding out how to be more likeable.

    5. Develop a positive attitude

    Would you like to be friends with someone who is grouchy and is in a bad mood all the time? Probably not, right? We like to be around people who make us feel good… people who are similar to us. When you are positive and happy, more people will be attracted to you.

    Happiness is contagious. So…

    A. Smile and laugh out loud

    Smile more often when you meet people. Studies show that smiling with your teeth displayed  is considered as most attractive and aesthetic by others.

    B. Turn off your ego

    If you want to learn how to be more likeable, then say goodbye to your ego. When you want to be liked, accept when you are wrong, apologize when you should and avoid correcting people. Don’t take yourself seriously and have the courage to laugh at your flaws. Trying to prove others wrong will not help you make new friends. 



    C. Be more open and approachable 

    Make eye contact, uncross your arms, keep your phone aside and be warm when interacting with others. Have a relaxed body language, pay attention to people and show genuine interest. The more welcoming you are, the more people will like you.

    Related: 5 Body Language Signs Of Attraction Backed By Science

    make people like you

    That’s not all. Read on to know more about psychological tricks to make people fall for you.

    6. Build desirable habits

    This is one of the most important aspects of the puzzle when you are trying to solve – “how to be more likeable”. While we may mistakenly believe that most people are born with traits that make them likable, you can actually learn certain habits that can make you more attractive, pleasing and charismatic. Your likability depends on your emotional intelligence (EQ).

    To be emotionally intelligent, you need to develop certain habits, such as –

    A. Be your most genuine self

    Instead of trying to pretend to be someone you are not, show people who you truly are. People naturally like someone who is not afraid to show their authentic personality, as long as you are respectful. Embrace yourself in all your flawed glory.


    B. Be naturally kind and empathetic

    Show kindness even to strangers. Being kind and considerate shows people that you have their best interests at heart. When you behave kindly and compassionately, you will inspire others and they will gravitate towards you.

    C. Don’t hesitate to ask for a favor 

    Studies show that when you ask someone to do something nice for you, it can actually make them like you more. Known as the Ben Franklin Effect, when someone helps you, they will be more willing to help you again as it makes them feel good. 

    Related: 20 Useful Psychological Tricks That’ll Give You An Edge When Dealing With People

    D. Be presentable and hygienic

    Would you like to be friends with someone who looks like a hobo? While you don’t need to look like a movie star, it is important that you appear presentable when approaching people. So pay close attention to your personal hygiene, style and posture. 



    make anyone like you

    But is that all? Nope. There are more ways that you should learn when trying to figure out how to be more likeable.

    7. Be a people person

    If you want to be liked by others, you have to like being around people. Having great people skills can make you more lovable, charismatic and amusing to others. When you are a people person, others will like you naturally and will want to be around you.

    So how can you be a people person? We have your back.

    A. Like people to become likable

    If you don’t enjoy being around people, then chances are people won’t enjoy being around you. When you appreciate someone’s presence and openly enjoy being around them, without being needy, they will feel the same about you. 

    B. Openly praise and compliment people

    Everyone likes to be validated and reassured. But when you criticize and judge someone, they will start avoiding you. When you genuinely compliment someone on their positive qualities, they will associate you with positive emotions and reaffirmation. This is a very important step when answering how to be more likeable.

    Related: 5 Body Language Tricks That Increase Attraction

    C. Don’t be obsessed with yourself

    Don’t talk about yourself all the time. Don’t act like you are better than everyone else. Don’t abuse others. Always keep the focus on the other person during conversations and talk about THEM. If you want people to like you, then make it about them, not about you. 

    D. Don’t seek attention 

    No one likes an attention seeker. When you become desperate for attention, you will push people away from you. Never force someone to like you. Instead pay attention to others and people will appreciate you a lot more.

    So now you know how to be more likeable.


    get anyone to like you

    What do you like in other people? 

    Is it their confidence? Their sense of humor? Or their ability to make you feel good about yourself?

    Developing the ability to become more socially desirable can add a lot of value to your relationships, career and social life. Being likable can boost your self-esteem, make you more confident and empathetic. 

    While not everyone we meet may like us, we can certainly learn to be more charming and attractive so that we can make more friends naturally.

    Related: 9 Psychological Tricks To Make Someone Like You Instantly

    psychology backed ways to be more likable pinex
    psychology backed ways to be more likable pin
  • How to Spot Someone Playing The Victim? 6 Signs

    Unfortunately, victim playing rarely results in getting what you want. Observe six signs of someone playing the victim and how to avoid narcissists.

    Not all victims are manipulative. Feeling like a victim has taken on negative connotations, but there are people who ”play the victim” in order to manipulate you.

    This is a favorite defense of narcissists and other personality-disordered people. In some other instances, this behavior is learned as a child because as a way to get needs met. I refer to them here as “actors.”

    Someone Playing The Victim? 6 Signs

    Sometimes, actors act consciously and more often it’s unconscious and automatic, like most of our defense mechanisms.

    Related: The Effects Of Gaslighting In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

    Codependents and empaths with poor boundaries are easily manipulated and can end up in long-term relationships with a narcissist or someone who uses this tactic. They suffer from guilt and blame, hurt and resentment that their needs and feelings aren’t being considered.

    playing the victim

    Related: The Victim Identity: Signs And How To Recover

    6 Signs Someone Is Playing The Victim

    How to Spot Someone Playing The Victim info

    Here are some signs you’re being played by an actor:

    1. They don’t take responsibility. When we feel like a victim, we externalize the source of our pain, so we’re not accountable. Narcissists never want to take responsibility because it tarnishes their image of perfection, which is really all a defense to hidden shame.
    2. They try to shift the blame to you — anything to not take responsibility for their own mistakes or shortcomings. When you first meet a narcissist notice if they blame other people.
      Soon you’ll be on their hit list. If they can make you feel guilty, they can gain power over you, which is what they want. The bonus is that you relieve their shame. You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, much less their actions and words.
    3. They don’t take in your care and compassion. They have to keep up the complaining and victimhood act for more attention. They want power and attention more than sympathy. A real victim will appreciate your concern, and it usually uplifts them and can enable them to take self-directed action.
    4. They often try to get you to do something to fix their pain. This is a fool’s errand because even if you were able to, which you’re not, they won’t appreciate it. Their need for a narcissistic supply is bottomless. Remember, they’re invested in being the victim. They can’t credit you for your success, because they want all the praise and sympathy.
    5. They’re solely focused on their problems and minimize or ignore your needs and feelings. What they want is your attention, and don’t want to get side-tracked by focusing on you or their children.
    6. They’re master manipulators. Often their manipulation is covert, like when they play the victim. Notice subtle put-downs and how they deftly avoid answering questions about their behavior and shift responsibility for problems and your complaints to you.

    Playing the victim is only one of many defenses and tactics that abusers and narcissists use. There are many ways to manipulate. Learn to spot them all and how to respond effectively in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.

    Start giving yourself the empathy you deserve, and set boundaries with manipulators.

    playing the victim

    © 2022 Darlene Lancer

    Don’t let a narcissist weaponize their victimhood. Understand the clear signs of victim manipulation. And if you’ve dealt with someone like this, share your thoughts in the comments below!

    Related: How A Narcissist Love Bombs His Victim Into Submission

    Written By: Darlene Lancer
    Originally Appeared On: What Is Codependency
    How to Spot Someone Playing The Victim pin
  • How To Cope With the Loss of a Pet: 8 Things

    Losing a pet is always devastating, and I have been there so many times. You would like to think it gets easier after a point, but grieving the loss of a pet is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Losing them feels like losing a limb.

    I have been through five losses like this so far, and let me tell you, dealing with pet loss is not easy. At all. Losing my furry best friends has taken a lot out of me, and to date, I am still reeling from the pain. Our pets are our companions, support, and even a shoulder to cry on, they are never “just pets”. They are family.

    Related: 10 Important Life Lessons I Learned From My Dog

    Why Is The Loss Of A Pet So Painful?

    Yes, we know that they have short lives but does that mean it makes grieving a pet easier? No, it does not. No matter how old they are (even if they pass at the old age of 17), it is equally devastating.

    They’re always there beside us making us smile and cheering us up. They wait for us to come back home after a long day with excited smiles on their faces and violently wagging tails. They’re always there to lick our tears away whenever we feel sad and cry. They are angels in the form of four-legged furry animals, and that’s why losing a pet hurts so much.

    And maybe, that’s why we need to take pet loss seriously. Not everyone understands, especially people who have never experienced the love of pets. But the loss of a pet is sometimes even more painful than losing a family member.

    Now, let us talk about some of the potentially best ways when it comes to coping with the loss of a pet.

    Loss of a pet

    7 Ways To Cope With The Loss Of A Pet And Heal Your Broken Heart

    1. Take your time and don’t be too hard on yourself.

    Your pet was a very important part of your life, and losing them is not an easy thing to go through. So take your time to grieve and mourn their loss. There’s no shame in remembering your pet and mourning them. Take as much time as you need to deal with this, and don’t let anyone tell you when you should move on.

    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself when it comes to dealing with this; there’s no specific time frame for this. The process of grieving can never be hurried and end after a specific time. So grieve the way you want to and for as long as you want to.

    Related: 8 Reasons Why Introverts Connect Deeply With Their Pets

    2. Don’t beat yourself up thinking you could have done more to save them.

    When we lose a loved one, we always feel that we could have done more to save them. We are racked by guilt, thinking that maybe we didn’t do enough. Even though these thoughts are normal, don’t let them push you to a dark place. Don’t think that you could have done more of this or more of that.

    You did everything you could. You exhausted all your options and tried to save your beloved pet, and you left no stone unturned in trying to make them feel better. Trust me, your pet knows how hard you tried, and they know how hard you fought for them. It was simply their time, and they are at peace now.

    3. Talk to people who have lost pets and who understand what you’re going through.

    Sharing your pain with someone who has been through the same thing can be very comforting and cathartic. They will understand exactly what you are going through, and by sharing each other’s pain and experiences you will feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Joining a support group might also be a good idea, as you will be among people who are going through the same thing as you. Having supportive people and a supportive community around you can help you tremendously when it comes to dealing with your grief.

    Loss of a pet

    4. Try writing your feelings down on paper.

    Journaling can be a very good idea when it comes to dealing with the loss of a pet. Writing your feelings down on paper is one of the best ways to heal after losing a pet. Trust me, I have been there and done that and it really does help.

    Something about writing down your thoughts, feelings, pain, and trauma is soothing and comforting. Through journaling, you can express your unfiltered and raw thoughts which might not be possible when you’re speaking with someone else. You can also build a scrapbook filled with pictures, anecdotes, and happy memories you shared with your sweet angel.

    Related: 9 Things Your Deceased Pet Wants You To Know

    5. Volunteer at an animal shelter and spend time with some furry friends.

    When you are coping with pet loss, one of the best things you can do to heal is to spend time at an animal shelter. When you give some love to a shelter animal, you get that love back tenfold.

    However, if you feel like you are not ready yet to spend time with other dogs, then that’s okay too. For some people, spending time with other dogs proves to be therapeutic, but for some, it makes the grieving process more difficult. If you belong to the second category, then give yourself some time before you can hang out with other furry pals.

    6. Don’t rush into replacing your pet with another one.

    Many times, I have seen people immediately get another pet after they have lost one. They try to grieve the loss of a pet by instantly replacing them with another one, but in my opinion, this might not be the best approach.

    It’s important to take your time to heal and move on before you bring in another pet to make up for the one you lost. You may find yourself feeling triggered whenever you see your new pet, or you may feel devastated because you miss your previous one terribly.

    So it’s always a good idea to wait for a bit, deal with your pain, take your time, and then when you’re emotionally ready, get another pet.

    Loss of a pet

    7. Create a memorial for your pet.

    Firstly, if you have children talking to your child about the loss of a pet is incredibly important. And secondly, your child can play a huge part in creating the perfect memorial for your departed angel.

    If you have buried them, you can put in a nice headstone with a picture of theirs, or you can frame a photo of theirs and hang it in your home or office, or you can also make a photo collage of them and keep it with you.

    Related: How To Cope With The Loss Of A Pet

    The loss of a pet is always going to be painful, but your pet would never want you to suffer, even for them. These angels have always loved you with all their hearts and would want you to remember them and carry them in your heart, but also be happy.

    Trust me when I say this, but they are right beside you with their head on your lap like always. They still love you and they will always be with you, no matter how many years pass.

    Things To Do If Grieving Loss Of A Pet pin
    Things To Do If Grieving Loss Of Pet