Category: Marriage

Marriage

How Happy and Lasting Couples Fight

Love can be a battleground of mistakes, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Oftentimes when we want to discuss a specific conflict with our partners, we also want the floor to discuss EVERY conflict with our partner; every one of their 617 boneheaded mistakes. After all, we are an “expert” analyst of our partner’s behavior and personality disorders.

Meet Jasmine. Jasmine is a full-time employed mother of two. She’s married to Brian, a hard-working business owner with 64 employees. Jasmine and Brian strive to be a super couple; the kind of couple that exhausts themselves trying to do it all.

Their childhood upbringing has taught both of them to be overachieving perfectionists who put a lot of pressure on themselves to be “happily married.”

Related: Studies Reveal That Men Gain More From Marriage Than Women

Most of this pressure comes from Jasmine. She wants the best orgasms, a passionate sex life, millions in the bank account, and two adorable and successful kids. All this weight causes a lot of problems with Brian.

In her mind, Brian doesn’t help out with the children or house nearly enough. He doesn’t dedicate enough time to their relationship and he isn’t making enough money. Needless to say, Jasmine’s Love Laws puts Brian in Relationship Jail pretty frequently. As a result, she shames him. She makes him feel inadequate. She treats him this way so much that he has started to spend more time working than he does at home.

For Brian, work is a safe haven from the war at home. As Jasmine starts to realize their relationship is in trouble, she devours books on healthy relationships like a fat kid at a cupcake store. She heard about John Gottman’s famous State of the Union meeting that was created to resolve relationship conflicts. So she schedules a meeting to “talk” with Brian about their current conflicts.

Related: The #1 Thing Couples Fight About

Because she’s so eager to start the meeting, Jasmine takes the lead as the speaker. She tells Brian the role of the listener according to what she can remember: “just listen to me and don’t get defensive.”

Unfortunately, Jasmine hits Brian so hard with criticism that his helmet in the football game of love pops right off. This leaves him vulnerable to a siege of attacks from his lover, who brings up every issue under the sun. His lack of help with the children. His lack of effort in keeping the house clean. His routine sexual performance that feels more like clockwork and less like lovemaking.

Hearing all this makes Brian feel inadequate. Something back his childhood made him sensitive about that feeling. His body floods with negative emotions. Despite trying to do his best to “listen,” he emotionally shuts down to calm his anxiety.

Jasmine notices this and hits him even harder.
“You never listen to me.”
“What is wrong with you?”

By now, this relationship is on the road to Hell, whether it be divorce or infidelity. But there are many lessons we can learn from this.

How Happy and Lasting Couples Fight

Pick One Issue and Be Specific

Instead of bringing up every issue under the sun, focus on one particular issue, and stay on topic. Be detailed. Instead of saying, “you never help out around the house,” say, “It makes me feel abandoned when I feel like it is my responsibility to vaccum the house every week. On top of that, I have other chores I feel like I have to do to keep this house running. Would you be able to vacuum every other week for me?”

Telling someone they make you feel insecure gives them no feedback to change their behavior. However, telling your partner that you feel insecure when they make fun of you in front of your friends will allow them to fix that specific situation.

By focusing on one issue and the specific emotions it causes you (not your partner’s flaws), both of you can come together to fix that specific situation by changing both the meaning of the situation and each other’s behavior.

Watch out this interesting video about couples with the longest marriage in America

Avoid Your Partner’s Triggers

Lastly, be aware of your partner’s triggers. No one grows up without emotional scars. These lasting flaws can escalate conflict quickly. Tom Bradbury, a UCLA psychologist, calls these enduring vulnerabilities.

Imagine your partner’s weaknesses are tattooed on their forehead. What might your partner’s weaknesses and insecurities be? When they get blamed, do they immediately become defensive? Do they hate being lectured because it makes them feel inadequate?

Brian’s vulnerabilities of not providing enough make him feel inadequate. It causes him to close off from his relationship and the things he cares about. When his trigger is hit, it’s easier to become numb than to feel the pain of all his past traumas rising in the present.

Related: The One Fight All Couples Have Before Tying The Knot

Your partner’s childhood baggage may be a source of problems in your relationship, but it is unrealistic to expect that he or she will fix them immediately. Prodding or insisting them to “change” will only worsen the situation.

What you can do is prevent a particular vulnerability from causing friction by acknowledging it and working around it with compassion. If you know your boyfriend is sensitive about feeling left out, be kind when suggesting that he should stay at home so you can go out with your friends for a girl’s night. You could say something like “I love going out with my friends and you because we always have a good time. But would it be okay if I just went out with them tonight? I’d like to catch up with them on a more intimate level.”

Or maybe your girlfriend is a tad messy and resents her childhood upbringing of rigid house rules. She may even appreciate a break when it comes to her messy clothes on the chair in the bedroom.

Related: The 11 Fights Every Couple Must Conquer to Have a Strong Marriage

During my own relationship conflicts, I’ve found it helpful to remind myself that my partner is learning to work with my insecurities, just like I am with hers. Love isn’t always a comfortable ride. But having a partner who will drive around your potholes, while still addressing the underlying issues, is a partner you should keep.

Want to improve communication even more? Take the Intimacy 5 Challenge here. The Intimacy 5 Challenge provides you five of the most intense intimate challenges couples have ever done.
Marriage Romantic Relationship

How to show kindness when you’re upset with your partner

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship. In fact, it is in these moments that Dr. Gottman can predict the success or failure of the relationship with over 90% accuracy.

In a popular Atlantic Magazine interview, Dr. Julie Gottman explains that, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

Related: Help Your Partner Understand Your Side of the Conflict in 3 Steps

The Vow of Kindness

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument, rather, it is about your mindful and considerate behavior throughout your relationship.

When we enter into a committed relationship, most of us make some sort of declaration – a promise or a vow – that we will uphold our partner and care for them. We also make a secondary promise: that we will be our best selves , full of integrity and hope for a successful future.

Related: How Showing Compassion And Kindness Is Good For Your Mental Health

The act of not choosing kindness is therefore doubly hurtful – to our partners and to ourselves – because it undercuts our efforts for growth and the potential for greater intimacy.

A relationship is the concerted effort of two people who mindfully and enthusiastically work towards a shared vision. Despite the difficulties of daily life, partners are in charge of their own behavior. While a couple grows together, they are not precluded from growing as individuals as well – in fact, they must evolve as individuals in order to continually bring their “best selves” to their partner.

Kindness Begets Kindness: 3 Tips to be more kind to your partner

How can you cultivate a habit of kindness in your relationship? Below are 3 powerful tips that you can put into action right now, regardless of where your partner is on their journey:

1. Think good thoughts

We are wired to feel how we repeatedly think. Thinking positive thoughts about your partner will make it easier for you to think more positive thoughts, and to speak and behave positively towards them. In order to get into the habit of being kind, you must practice the thoughts as well as the actions.

Remind yourself of the nice things your partner has done each day. For instance, did they take out the recycling or come home early one night for dinner? However small the action, make it a habit of noticing the kindness as it is happening and make a mental note of how happy it makes you feel. When you see your partner, mention it to them. Noticing the good things about your partner helps to keep you in what Dr. John Gottman calls the Positive Perspective or Positive Sentiment Override. It is a sense of hopeful well-being that arises from positive thoughts and positive interactions.

Watch out this interesting video to learn about skills for a healthy romantic relationship:

2. Accept responsibility

Take responsibility for assessing your own feelings before presenting them to your partner. Whereas anger and frustration are legitimate emotions, further exploration might reveal that in fact, you feel annoyed or sad about a situation. Perhaps upon reflection, you find that in fact, you felt abandoned or that your dreams are not being acknowledged. Being able to accurately pinpoint your feelings will help you to convey them in a kinder, gentler tone to your partner.

You might think it is more authentic to say exactly what’s on your mind without filtering anything for your partner, but consider that once they are hurt, it is harder for them to connect with you empathically. Take a moment to process your feelings with a therapist or by yourself. Try keeping a journal or log of your day and how you were feeling. Processing your feelings through writing often helps to sort out and organize thoughts.

3. Let hope win

Have faith in the relationship and in your commitment. Even though you will have ongoing arguments with you partner, focus on your friendship. I see couples in my office who want to “solve” their issues first before going out for an ice cream or relaxing over dinner. It’s not possible to solve problems with someone you don’t want to collaborate with.

Related: 7 Ways to Cultivate Love in Your Life and Become Happier

I often encourage couples to do an activity together to enjoy their love – despite their gripes! It is much easier to discuss problems with your best friend than with your “enemy.” It may take effort to institute a date night, but being close and connected is a habit, and habits have to be practiced consciously and regularly. Try going out of your way to be friendly to your partner.

For instance, pour milk in their cereal in the morning, or offer to walk the dog. Lookup a movie they’ve been meaning to watch, or even send them a text message today (not about errands or scheduling) about something you’re looking forward to doing with them later.

Kindness Allows You to be Heard

Ultimately, kindness serves your expression of difficult emotions by offering your partner the capacity to really hear you. Even if you are angry, in order to approach your partner effectively you must be kind. If you’ve paved the way for your partner to be open to you, they are more likely to hear your frustration and respond with compassion. Kindness gets your needs met.

Being kind and gentle is a decision. Just as we offer a smile and hold the door open for a stranger, we must remember to cultivate this habit in our relationship no matter how many months or years have passed.

Related: When Your Partner Loves You, But They’re Not In Love With You

The longer we try, the easier it gets to summon up a positive picture of our beloved. The more we practice kindness, the easier it is to recall that our partner is also a human who is experiencing life alongside us. It becomes easier to offer a smile and to extend an olive branch to the person who is in the struggle with us – not against us.

By Sanaa Hyder, M.S.Ed.

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

If you’d like research-based tools to help manage conflict and solve your solvable problems then get your free copy of the popular guide, 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last here.
Marriage Romantic Relationship
Are you trying to keep and maintain your relationship in the positive perspective, because it might have hit a rough patch recently?

How to Keep Your Relationship in the Positive Perspective?

Consider these two scenarios.

Dave has been married for 10 years. When he is away from his partner and thinks of her, he usually thinks about how she doesn’t help out around the house enough or about recent fights they’ve had.

Sarah has been in a relationship for six years. When she is away from her partner and thinks of her, most of the time she thinks fondly about past vacations or other positive (and even neutral) memories.

In both of these scenarios, the crucial difference between Dave and Sarah is how positively or negatively they view their partner. Dave is showing signs of what Drs. John and Julie Gottman call Negative Sentiment Override, while Sarah appears to be in Positive Sentiment Override. This means that their overarching view of their partner, and ultimately their relationship, is seen through either a positive or negative lens.

Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) or the Positive Perspective is something that couples can work on every day. Having a Positive Perspective of your partner and your relationship helps to more effectively problem-solve during the conflict, make more repair attempts (an action or statement that aims at reducing escalating conflict), and generally see your partner in a more positive light.

Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) or the Negative Perspective, on the other hand, distorts your view of your partner to the point where positive or neutral experiences are perceived as negative. Couples in the Negative Perspective don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt.

So, given this information, how can you maintain a Positive Perspective of your partner and your relationship?

Let’s take a look at three ways you can work on seeing things in a more positive way.

1. Let your partner influence you.

Dr. Gottman’s research has shown you must let your partner influence you. When you have irresolvable problems in your marriage (everyone does!), you can either hold that against your partner or accept what you cannot change. When you accept your partner, you also accept their influence when discussing problems.

Let’s do a mini-quiz to see how well you accept your partner’s influence. Challenge yourself by trying to think of how you’d answer these questions during conflict:
1. I am interested in my partner’s opinions on issues in our relationship. T/F
2. I don’t try to convince my partner to see things my way all the time. T/F
3. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions every time we argue. T/F
4. I believe my partner has important things to say and value them. T/F
5. I believe we are partners with equal say in our relationship. T/F
If you said “true” to all of the above, you are likely to accept your partner’s influence.

Want to know more about how to build a positive relationship? Read 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

2. Increase your fondness and admiration.

Another way to maintain a Positive Perspective of your partner is to increase your fondness and admiration for them. An easy way to do this is to let your partner know of at least one thing each day that you appreciate about them or about something they did. What are they adding to your life?

3. Turn toward bids for emotional connection.

A third way to keep your relationship in the Positive Perspective is to engage in what Dr. Gottman calls turning towards your partner’s “bids” for emotional connection. When you turn towards, you engage with your partner and let them know you value their presence and what they have to say. You can turn towards by making eye contact, smiling, and responding with validation.

One way to practice turning towards is to make your conversations deeper and more meaningful by asking your partner open-ended questions. Try it. Ask your partner, “What are you excited about right now?” and listen to their response with interest.

When you accept influence, have fondness and admiration, and turn towards your partner, it helps you maintain a Positive Perspective of your partner and your relationship. Access the current state of your perspective. Do you see your partner through rose-colored glasses?

Want to know more about how you can make your relationship an emotionally healthy one? Read 9 Surprisingly Simple Secrets To Build A Happy and Emotionally Committed Relationship

Bringing your relationship in the positive perspective can seem like a bit of a task sometimes, but if both you and your partner are able to do that, you will have an unbreakable bond.

If you want to know more about keeping your relationship in the positive perspective, then check out this video below:

By Maureen Werrbach, LCPC

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

Want to learn more? Receive four powerful tools to keep your relationship in the Positive Perspective in our popular guide, 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last here.
Parenting Marriage
Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that small actions practiced daily are the biggest predictor for keeping romance, intimacy, and connection alive during the transition to parenthood. Going the extra mile means everything with a new baby in the mix.

As life with a little one begins, Parents often find themselves sleep-deprived, overwhelmed with a laundry list of to-do and the feeling that there’s never enough time in the day to do it all.

New parents often believe that in order to meet the demanding needs of the baby, they have to sacrifice the needs of the relationship. There is a sense that “I can either be close to my spouse or my baby, but I can’t do both.” This leads to resentment and isolation.

But Bringing Baby Home research has shown that couples can be engaged parents and protect their relationship without sacrificing the bond with their child. With just a little effort, couples can maintain emotional closeness by following the “golden rule” of relationships: small things often.

Tuning in and turning towards each other, especially in moments of heightened stress, creates a sense of connection and emotional intimacy. Practicing simple gestures to preserve the relationship makes for a more manageable transition to parenthood.

If you’re a new parent or expecting a little one, consider incorporating the following strategies into your relationship so that you’re not just staying afloat, but fully thriving as your family grows.

Turn towards bids for connection

Requests for connection happen between partners all the time. Sometimes they are extremely subtle, such as a touch on the hand, or very straightforward as in, “Take a look at this for me. What do you think?” Dr. Gottman’s research in his Love Lab has shown that successful couples respond to bids more frequently than distressed couples do. If partners bids are consistently ignored or disregarded, they form a negative view of the relationship and distance themselves from their partner.

Happy couples, however, are more aware of what to look for and make the conscientious choice to turn towards, rather than turn away, from requests for affection, emotional support, and sex. Responding to bids is important because in small, everyday moments, you’re creating the building blocks that maintain the foundation of the relationship. Here are some examples of bids:
- A bid for conversation: “I’m worried that the baby might not be getting enough nutrients.”
- A bid for sex: “You look so sexy in that outfit.”
- A bid for affection: “Will you hold me?”
- A bid for attention: “Can we talk?”
- A bid for humor: “Have you heard this joke yet?”
Express fondness and admiration

Dr. Gottman encourages couples to “catch your partner doing something right.” Research shows that if couples are in the habit of viewing their relationship from a negative perspective, they miss half of the positive things their partner does.

It’s important for couples to find ways to praise each other for their positive traits. You can do this by creating a “culture of appreciation.” You can appreciate their parenting style or how they help with the baby while still making time for the other things they do to keep things running smoothly. Remember to share them with your partner. They yearn to hear it.
- “You were so great with the baby last night. It really made me smile.”
- “You’re an awesome dad. You’re so calm and patient with the baby.”
- “Thanks for making dinner tonight. I know you have your hands full.”
- “Even with no sleep, you’re still gorgeous. How did I get so lucky?”
- “Thanks for keeping things together when I can’t. I really count on you!”
Make partings and reunions a routine part of your day

Don’t neglect each other as you rush out the door. Spend a few minutes to develop an atmosphere of love as you part for the day, and again once you return. Here are some examples of rituals of connection:
- Send your sweetie off with a to-go cup of coffee for the day.
- Kiss each other goodbye for six seconds and wish them well.
- Wake up early and take care of the baby while the other gets some much-needed rest.
- Leave a quick note to say how much they mean to you.
- Make the bed before you go.
- Say goodbye with affection and words of encouragement.
- Greet each other with a “6 second kiss.”
- Put your phone away and genuinely listen to your partner’s day. Express empathy and understanding.
- Help with dinner.
- Clean up the dishes.
- Take over the night routine like bathing, singing, dancing or reading to your little one.
Have a daily stress-reducing conversation

Conflict is inevitable in all relationships and tends to spike after a baby is born. Work stress, new financial strains, and balancing the added responsibilities of being parents can create strain on the relationship. The Bringing Baby Home research found that having a daily conversation that includes understanding, support and affection helps manage the external stressors separate from the relationship.
- Stay mindful and present while showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say.
- Seek understanding before giving advice. “That sounds overwhelming. I’d be at my wits end too. I can totally understand how you feel.”
- Offer support. “I really wish your boss would lay off on you.”
- Show affection. “Come here. I bet you could use a hug.”
- Help aid in problem solving. “Do you want my advice? Let’s worth through this together.”
Never stop dating your partner

One of the greatest gifts you can give your baby is a strong relationship between the two of you. Date nights provide an opportunity to stay connected, increase intimacy, and balance life as a team.
- Plan monthly date nights.
- Keep mutual hobbies sacred.
- Make “date-night in” a regular part of your week.
- Watch a comedy together. Laughter and humor raise endorphins and lighten the mood.
Parenthood is tough, especially in the beginning. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, remember that the best gift you can give your baby is a strong relationship between the two of you. Don’t forget how important it is to spend time together, lift each other up, show you care, and nurture the relationship by practicing the golden rule of doing the small things often.

By April Eldemire, LMFT
This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

For more insight on how to build a positive, lasting relationship after a baby arrives, get your free copy of 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last here.

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Marriage Romantic Relationship

Are you craving for independence in relationships?

The idea that partners shouldn’t be needy and should be independent creates a lack of security in the relationship.

Kim and Kevin were on the verge of breaking up. Neither of them wanted to end things, but they were exhausted from fighting and blaming each other.

Kevin values his quality time with Kim, and regularly organizes date nights for them. While Kim does find him sweet, she wants to spend more time with her friends. Kevin says this makes him feel lonely. This makes Kim feel suffocated and exhausted by his “neediness.”

Even at parties, Kim talks with her friends in such a way that Kevin feels left out.

As they were getting into the car after their latest party, this is what happened:

“Why did you even invite me to Jake’s party?” Kevin asks. “Once we walk in the door, you leave me standing there as if I don’t exist. You do this at every party we go to.”

Kim is immediately defensive. “I’m tired of having this conversation with you. You’re acting like a child. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

To reinforce his point, Kevin brings up Kim’s friend who makes him feel uncomfortable. “When Terra gets drunk, she starts trying to put her hand up my shirt and tell me how sexy I am. It creeps me out and you just let it happen.”

“She’s just playing around. You do have nice abs.”

Conversations like these end with Kevin walking off to sulk, and Kim feeling punished.

Related: 15 Things That Confident Women Compulsorily Do in Relationships

Ironically, Kim feels the same way when she visits Kevin’s family. He disappears with his mother and sister, forcing her to spend time with her dad who is incredibly rude. When Kim complains, Kevin dismisses her. Kim always says, “you’re just like your dad. You’re always putting me down.”

The Importance of Feeling Important

All of us want to matter. We want to feel visible and valued. We want to feel like a priority in our partner’s life rather than feeling downgraded.

Like Kim and Kevin, we may not know how to help our partner feel important or how our partner can make us feel important.

After all, love is full of expectations. We expect to fall in love with our soulmate and feel completed in our relationships. That’s why so many relationships start in a blissful connection, one we expect to sustain. However, this ideal fails us if our partners are unable to provide us with a satisfying feeling of security and emotional investment.

Related: The Top 3 Vulnerabilities That Ruin Your Relationship

What makes love last is the feeling that our partners are there for us no matter what.

Related video:

Let’s meet a different couple, Alison and Brett.

Each year, Brett attends his company holiday party for his high-profile investment firm. Alison feels shy at these events and sometimes mumbles her words with people she doesn’t really know. Brett on the other hand, flourishes at the party. Even among the strangers he hasn’t met. Despite her discomfort, Alison gets ready for the event.

As they are getting dressed, this is their conversation:

“You know it’s not you. I just don’t like being around all these strangers.” Alison’s voice sounds concerned as she puts lipstick on.

“I know love,” replies Brett as he straightens his tie. “I’m grateful you are willing to come anyway. The instant you want to leave, we’ll take off. Okay?”

“Okay,” replies Alison. “How do I look?” She puckers her lips and looks at him.

“Beautiful,” Brett says as he gazes into her eyes.

A moment passes as a mutual gaze connects them.

“Let’s make a success strategy,” he says kindly. “You’ll stay on my arm when we walk in. I’ll say hi to some people I know. But don’t leave me, okay? I want to introduce you.”

“All right,” replies Alison with an anxious smile. “What if I need to use the restroom?”

“You can go without me,” Bret quickly responds with a smile, “but I expect you to get that gorgeous butt of yours back to your sexy husband once you’re done.”

They smile and kiss.

“This job is important. I’m on the verge of getting a promotion,” Brett says as get into the car. “But it’s not as important as you are to me.”

It’s obvious that Kim and Kevin and Alison and Brett handle situations in very different ways. It doesn’t take a couples therapist to recognize which relationship works and feels better.

But why do those relationships function as they do, and how did they become so different?

Independence VS. Interdependence in relationships

Is it clear to you that Kim and Kevin believe that each partner should stand independently of the other? Kim and Kevin see themselves as individuals first, and a couple second.

When things go wrong in the relationship each partner prioritizes their personal needs over their needs as a couple. If you questioned them on this, they’d tell you that they value independence and are “their own person.”

Related: The Dance Between Intimacy and Independence in Relationship

But this is a lie they tell themselves. While each expects the other to behave independently, this is only the case when it benefits his or her own purpose. When either partner find it suits the other partner’s purpose and not theirs, they feel dismissed, lonely, and unimportant.

The couple’s “sense of independence” is toxic in situations in which they need to depend on one another to feel protected and important. When that happens each partner feels like a victim of neglect.

Independence in relationship is not really independent of each other. Rather, their relationship is built on the creed, “If it’s good for me, you should be good with it too.” As a result, they fail to remember the other person when it matters most.

The underlying feeling of “you do your thing and I’ll do mine,” sounds mutual, right?

Yet it isn’t mutual at all. It requires the other partner to be okay with one partner’s choices. And If that partner isn’t, too bad.

Independence in these relationships do not reflect true independence, but rather a fear of dependency. Instead of independence being a sign a strength, it’s actually a sign of weakness and insecurity.

In Alison and Brett’s relationship, they treat their relationship with mutual respect. Neither partner expects the other to be different from who he or she is. Both use the insight about each other’s vulnerabilities and insecurities as a way to protect each other in private and public places.

It’s clear that Brett anticipates Alison’s discomfort and brings it up in a way that respects her. He behaves in such a way that makes her feel as if he needs her, even though he knows she is the needier one in these types of situations. Their conversation reinforces that the relationship comes first.

The difference between a healthy and toxic relationship is how partners intentionally choose to work with each other’s triggers and vulnerabilities.

Brett and Alison soothe each other’s insecurities, while Kim and Kevin intensify theirs. Brett and Alison create a sense of security and support in their relationship. Kim and Kevin do not.

Where Did It All Begin?

Many couples enter into a relationship with the vision of working as a team like Brett and Alison. But when their prior experiences of love don’t match up, their personal history dominates. If your parents relationship didn’t have mutual care, sensitivity, and repair, then it’s more likely than not that your relationship won’t either.

Related: Your Partner Can Control Your Brain, Science Explains

One of the reasons we pair up is to have a safe zone that protects us and gives us the peace to relax. Partners in a committed relationship often fail to see each other as allies against the attackers life throws at us; work, stress, or intruders trying to seduce our partners.

They are unable to see how they can create an emotional bubble; a safe place to relax and feel accepted, protected, and wanted.

The Couple Bubble

The difference between Brett and Alison and Kim and Kevin is the sense of security and safety in the relationship. It’s the couple bubble they’ve formed with each other. It’s an agreement, spoken or unspoken, that puts the relationship first. Each partner puts the other’s well-being, self-esteem and vulnerabilities first.

This is a big commitment. It’s an overwhelming commitment if you pride yourself on your independence. But it is this fear of commitment that holds us back.

So many of us want to pick our partners, like we order burgers at a restaurant. “Please hold the tomatoes and onions.” But that’s not a relationship. That’s food.

Related: The Difference Between Needing And Wanting A Man

Holding off committing to your partner in order to protect yourself only blocks yourself. Brene Brown once said, “Vulnerability is the first thing I see in you, and the last thing I’ll show you.” So be courageous, open your heart, and let your partner within your walls.

And when problems arise, like they always do, use those problems to bring you closer. Use them to understand your partner so you can grow together.

If you do, you’ll quickly realize that what may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner needs. Your job in the couple bubble is to learn what matters to your partner and how you can make them feel safe and secure in the relationship.

This also means showing up fully. Acting in an anxious manner without being vulnerable about what you need, or only putting one foot in while you keep one foot out, undermines the security of the relationship.

A healthy relationship is not about independence. It is not codependency, either. Codependent partners ignore their own needs and wants, thus filling the bubble with resentment and emotional distress. It’s about interdependence. It’s about having the capacity to be your own person while also having the capacity for your partner’s well-being. One without the other is just a covered up insecurity.

Related: Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and what you can do about it

Your couple bubble allows you to rely on one another and share your vulnerabilities. The bubble is your foundation of support and protection. Sometimes this means taking steps ahead of time like Alison and Brett, so both of you can hold hands through the stressful events of life.

Love is about working together, not making your partner work to only meet your needs.

This article was originally published on KyleBenson.net.

If you want tools on how to cultivate a healthy relationship then get exclusive access to my Passionate Relationship Toolkit here.

What’s your opinion about independence in relationships? Leave a comment below.
Marriage
After we got married, my wife Tami and I had our first holiday conflict over whose family to spend Thanksgiving with. Tensions flared as we defended our positions.

Five hours of freeway separated our families. Tami is an only child. She couldn’t imagine her parents enjoying Thanksgiving without her. My parents were divorced, but I had shared Thanksgiving dinner with my dad and grandparents for the last several years. My younger brother had moved away to be closer to our mother. I felt a responsibility to spend Thanksgiving with dad.

Holiday stress can make this time of year challenging for couples and families. Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples reveals some useful tools to handle conflict and keep your holidays happy.

Accept Your Partner’s Influence

Accepting your partner’s influence will help to avoid escalating conflict. Dr. Gottman has learned that women tend to be better at accepting influence than men, but men who learn how to listen to and respond to their partner’s influence stand to benefit with a happier and longer-lasting marriage than those who don’t.

There’s good reason for men to listen. Results of an American Psychological Association survey show women are more likely than men to report increased stress during the holiday season. Sources of stress include lack of time, lack of money, and pressure to give or receive gifts. The results of increased stress can make a woman feel sick and tired, and lose interest in sex.

A couple who listens to each other, and takes into account each other’s wishes and feelings when making decisions, will have much happier holidays. Look for the parts of your partner’s point of view that make sense to you, even if you disagree. Consider each option from their perspective and validate their emotions.

Read Highly Sensitive Person Relationships: 10 Secrets To A Successful HSP – Non-HSP Marriage

Solve Your Solvable Problems

The choices couples face around the holidays can create situational problems that are solvable. Children may insist on gifts that aren’t affordable. An invitation to an event may conflict with other plans.

Dr. Gottman has identified a five-step model for solving these solvable problems. The skills needed can be learned with very little training. Most of us have these skills already:
1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger
Dr. Gottman describes the details of each step in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.

Communicate About Your Unsolvable Problems

Some holiday conflicts occur over perpetual problems. These problems may result from religious practices, beliefs, or family traditions. For example, conflict may arise over whether to celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas when one partner is Jewish and the other Christian, or over whether to serve poultry or tofu when one partner loves turkey and the other is a vegetarian.

When a couple isn’t able to find a way to accommodate the differences that arise over a perpetual problem, they fall into what Dr. Gottman calls gridlock. Relationship gridlock, like freeway gridlock during rush hour, can evoke feelings of dread, frustration, anger, and panic.

By discovering each other’s dreams within conflict and making compromises, a couple can release themselves from gridlock and enjoy the holiday season. Examples of holiday dreams may include having a shared family tradition, or a parent giving their child an experience they had in their own childhood.

If not addressed, the negative feelings evoked by gridlock may fester into contempt for each other. Dr. Gottman has developed a two-phase blueprint for bringing a couple’s individual dreams out into the open and overcoming gridlock. To begin, the couple chooses an issue on which they’re gridlocked.

In the first phase, each partner gets 10 minutes to speak about the issue without criticizing or blaming the other partner. The speaker expresses their needs, wants, and feelings while their partner carefully listens.

In the second phase, each partner takes five to 10 minutes alone to identify their individual core needs that are not negotiable and positions on which they can be flexible. It helps to draw on a piece of paper a small circle within a larger circle. Writing core needs in the smaller circle, and flexible positions in the larger circle, gives each partner a place to begin negotiating a compromise. This phase is completed by the couple sharing their core needs and areas of flexibility to identify where they can compromise and overcome gridlock.

Read 15 Green Flags In A Relationship That Prove Your Partner Is “The One”

Reach A Compromise

My wife and I eventually compromised. Once we reduced the tension between us by seeing the problem from each other’s perspective, we overcame our conflict by accepting each other’s influence. We split the holiday between our families. The traditional Thanksgiving dinner took place with my dad and grandparents, and we celebrated with her family on the weekend.

By working through your holiday conflicts together, you can cultivate mutual understanding and a sense of “we-ness,” thus improving your marriage. Having reconciled your differences, you can savor the opportunity to celebrate, give thanks, and enjoy peace in your home.

By Jon Beaty

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

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Marriage
If your marriage is going through a tough time right now, do you want to know that one daily talk that will benefit your marriage greatly?

When Steven gets home from work, his wife Katie asks him, “How was your day, dear?” Their conversation goes like this.

Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. She’s such a jerk.

Katie: There you go again. Overacting and blaming your manager. When I met her she seemed very logical and reasonable. You’re probably being insensitive to her worries about your department. (siding with the enemy)

Steven: The woman has it out for me.

Katie: And there’s your paranoia. You really need to get a handle on that. (criticism)

Steven: Forget I ever said anything.

Do you think Steven feels loved by his wife at this moment?

Probably not.

Instead of providing a safe haven for him to be heard, she adds to his stress.

Learning to cope with external pressures and tensions outside your relationship is crucial to a marriage’s long-term health, according to research by Neil Jacobson.

A simple, effective way for couples to earn deposits in their emotional bank account is to reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. We call this the “How was your day, dear?” conversation, or more formally, the Stress-Reducing Conversation.

Like Steven and Katie, many couples have the “How was your day, dear?” conversation but the talk does not help either partner relax. Instead, it escalates the stress and tension between them because they end up not feeling heard.

If this sounds like you and your partner, changing your approach to these end-of-the-day talks can ensure that they help both of you unwind.

The 4 Agreements of Love

Before you start your end-of-the-day discussion, I’d recommend making some agreements. Agreements are what I use with my clients to bring their unspoken expectations into view.

Agreement #1: Agree on Timing

Some individuals want to connect the moment they walk into the door. Others need to decompress on their own before they’re ready to interact. When this expectation goes unspoken it can create tension and leave both partners feeling missed by each other.

Agree on a time that will meet both of your needs. This can be at 7 pm every night or it can be 10 minutes after both of you get home.

Want to know more about how to build a happier marriage? Read 30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years

Agreement #2: Dedicate Your Presence for 20-30 Minutes

Some couples struggle because they don’t spend enough time in the presence of each other to allow love to be cultivated. Take time to truly connect during this conversation.

Agreement #3: Don’t Discuss Your Marriage

This talk gives you and your partner the space to discuss about whatever is on your mind outside your marriage. It is not the time to bring up conflicts between you. Instead, it’s a chance to truly support each other in other areas of your life.

This conversation is a form of active listening in which you respond to each other’s venting with empathy and without judgement. Since the issues have nothing to do with the marriage, it’s much easier to express support and understanding of your partner’s worries and stresses.

Agreement #4: All Emotions are Welcome

This conversation is an opportunity to unload about irritants or issues, both big and small. If your partner shares sadness, fear, or anger and it feels uncomfortable, it may be time to explore why. Often this discomfort is rooted in childhood restrictions against expressing negative emotions. If this is the case, check out “Coping with Your Partner’s Sadness, Fear, and Anger” on page 103 in The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work.

Allow this space to be a place of celebration too. If you have a victory at work or as a parent, mention that. Beyond sharing frustrations, a relationship is about sharing and relishing in the victories of life together. That’s what makes it meaningful.

7 Steps to an Effective End-of-Day Conversation

Below are detailed instructions for using active listening during the stress-reducing and intimacy building conversation.

1. Take turns.

Let each partner be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

2. Show Compassion.

It’s very easy to let your mind wander, but losing yourself will make your partner feel like you’ve lost touch with them. Stay focused on them. Ask questions to understand. Make eye contact.

How can you make your marriage better and stronger? Read 43 Pieces of Best Marriage Advice by Top Relationship Experts

3. Don’t provide unsolicited solutions.

It’s natural to want to fix problems or make our lover feel better when they express pain. Often partners just want an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. Unless your partner has asked for help, don’t try to fix the problem, change how they feel, or rescue them. Just be present with them.

Men get caught up in this trap more frequently than women, but it is not the man’s responsibility to rescue his partner. Often trying to “save her” backfires. In the Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman noticed that when a wife shares her troubles, she reacts negatively to her husband offering advice right away. What she wants is to be heard and understood.

It’s not that problem-solving doesn’t have it’s place. It is important, but as psychologist Haim Ginott says, “Understanding must precede advice.” It’s only when your partner feels fully understood that they will be receptive to suggestions.

4. Express your understanding and validate emotions.

Let your spouse know that you understand what they are saying. Here’s a list of phrases I have my clients use.
- “Hearing that makes perfect sense why you’re upset.”
- “That sounds terrible.”
- “I totally agree with how you see it.”
- “I’d be stressed too.”
- “That would have hurt my feelings too.”
5. Take your partner’s side.

Express support of your partner’s view even if you feel their perspective is unreasonable. If you back the opposition, your spouse will be resentful.

When your partner reaches out for emotional support (rather than advice), your role is not to cast judgement or to tell them what to do. It’s your job to express empathy.

6. Adopt a “We against others” attitude.

If your partner is feeling alone while facing difficulty, express that you are there with them and you two are in this together.

Looking to know more about the proper talk that will benefit your marriage? Read Resolving Conflicts: The ABCs of Escalating Conflict and 7 Tips To Prevent Them

7. Be Affectionate.

Touch is one of the most expressive ways we can love our partners. As your partner talks, hold them or put an arm on their shoulder. Hold that space for them and love them through thick and thin.

Here is how the conversation changed after these instructions were given to Steven and Katie.

Katie: How was your day, dear?

Steven: At my weekly meeting my manager challenged my knowledge of our products and told the CEO that I am incompetent. She’s such a jerk.

Katie: What a jerk! She is so rude. (us against others) What did you say to her? (expressing genuine interest)

Steven: I told her I feel like she is out to get me and it’s not fair. I am the number one salesman on the floor.

Katie: I completely understand why you feel like that. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you. (expressing affection) She needs to get taken care of. (us against others)

Steven: I agree, but I think she’s doing it to herself. The CEO doesn’t appreciate her telling him everyone is incompetent but her. It’s probably best to leave it alone.

Katie: I’m glad he’s is aware of that. It’s not good and will backfire sooner or later.

Steven: I hope so. I feel like pizza, cuddles, and a movie tonight. You in?

Katie: Of course, love.

If you have this conversation every day, it can’t help but benefit your marriage. You’ll come away with the feeling that your partner is on your side, and that’s one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship.

Handling your marriage and making your partner happy can sometimes become a bit tough and dicey. But if you try to understand where your partner is coming from and be there for them, then you will be able to handle the situation better. Add to that, this one daily talk that will benefit your marriage greatly.

If you want to know more about the proper talk that will benefit your marriage, then check out this video below:

By Kyle Benson

This was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.
Marriage

Is your marriage going through a troubled time? Do you know that secrets to having a strong, stable and successful marriage?

My job as a family law attorney brings me in close connection with married people who have made the difficult decision to file a divorce. Working with so many clients belonging to varied age groups and backgrounds for years, I have ceased to be surprised when people reveal to me the reasons for divorce. I can say I have heard of all sorts of reasons that can lead to a separation.

Over the years I have realized —

Marriage is hardly the conclusion; it is the point where real work begins.

Listening to people who no longer want anything to do with the person they once loved, is in a way heartbreaking. Their stories have revealed to me how and why people come to this stage. Studying each of their cases has opened my eyes to what makes a marriage successful, what strengthens it, and what leads to its failure.

Here Are 12 Things That Helps In Developing A Successful Marriage

1. Realize that marriage needs your true efforts.

Enter your marriage with the solemn resolve that as a couple you will direct your collective efforts toward being in the wedlock. You haven’t achieved everything after you marry each other. It is just one of the landmarks in your relationship. You have miles to walk together and your journey won’t be easy.

There would be difficulties and disagreements. So, when you see them taking shape, don’t ignore them, rather neutralize them before they become a threat.

Don’t wait for an occasion to make your spouse feel special. Remember the little things that fascinated you. Celebrate those things and appreciate them. Just because your spouse is part of your life, don’t ever take them for granted. Just because you know in and out of their personality don’t let familiarity invite contempt.

Want to know more about how you can have a strong marriage? Read 30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years

2. Your partner will not be a changed person.

Most people knew the issues that led to the breakdown of their marriage. They were aware of the behavioral flaws of their partner, or the fact that they were not able to connect with them on several levels. Almost 95% of them believed, after marriage, their partner would change.

Marriage won’t change anything. With time you will grow to dislike those little imperfections more intensely. Ask yourself, if you can accept the person with their shortcomings and live with them 24×7 before you take the plunge.

3. Contemplate the consequences of signing a prenuptial agreement.

Most lawyers advise their clients to sign a prenup to ensure their financial security in case of annulment of the marriage. But, if you feel the need to sign a prenup, you are already not sure if things are going to work.

A prenup is meant to allow you an exit, but a marriage is a lifelong commitment. If you are not sure you will be able to be with this person through the ups and downs, you are really not ready to get married to them. It would be better to wait for the person with whom you would want to enter into a permanent bond.

4. Select a partner who has similar financial views.

One of the common differences that lead to divorce is financial issues. People have different opinions about how they manage their finances. They don’t care to reconcile the differences before marriage. In the starting days, they are in too much love to take notice of the small disconnects.

The differences are ignored until the lack of unanimity becomes acute and cannot be overlooked anymore. As they have never taught themselves to address the issue, the financial difficulties further curbed their ability to communicate and resolve the problem.

Instead of quitting, it’s wiser to see a counselor. This should not be seen as a positive effort and not as acceptance of failure.

5. Pledge to grow together.

It’s extremely important to identify the points on which a couple has differences of opinion. Before you get married, make a point to reach an agreement on each of them.

Marriage needs your constant hard work as you will be building your life and future together. There will be many things you will be doing differently post marriage. Prepare yourselves for them. Enroll together into classes on parenting, spirituality and religion, household spending, and other complex topics before mishandling of issues can create rifts in your marriage.

When you both have the same information, you can decide how to resolve complex issues before they affect you emotionally.

Looking to know more about what makes a happy marriage? Read Happily Married Men Reveal 21 Secrets For A Happy Marriage

6. See a marriage counselor whenever there is a problem.

Seeing a counselor doesn’t mean your marriage is already in trouble. It’s just a way to open the knots that you cannot find a way to open on your own.

Just consider it similar to signing up for a guitar or any hobby class. If you can’t bring yourself to meet a counselor, strengthen your communication, co-parenting or problem-solving techniques.

7. Spend at least one weekly off-day together.

Spending time together is the key to a successful relationship. Let that day begin with cuddling together in bed, just cuddling and nothing else. No kids, no other things and door locked. Actually, one person in the relationship needs it and the other one loves it much more than they think will.

8. Share hobbies.

It’s not possible to share the same hobbies but it’s important that you do most of them. This is because most of us like to spend our free time in the pursuit of what we like. When you share the same hobbies you get to spend more together enjoyably.

If you can’t follow the same hobbies then make some adjustments. Even if you don’t do it you can develop interest and be with your spouse.

9. Shower or bathe together as often as possible.

It’s fun, it’s romantic and it’s intensely intimate. Scrubbing and cleaning each other or just enjoying the water pouring on your naked bodies, is a special experience that you only share with each other.

It’s a great way to unwind together, to plan things and connect in an exceptional way and it also means more time together.

10. Never stop having sex.

Sex is an important part of marriage. It’s a need and married couples depend on each other to meet this need. Make sure to have sex at least once a week even if you don’t feel like doing it.

If you have reached the end of seven days without sex, make it happen before its midnight. Make love-making a regular habit because even if you are best of friends, chemistry and sexual attraction is the reason your relationship reached this level.

11. Remember, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

When familiarity sets in, people tend to wander in search of attraction and excitement. Little do they understand the person they are attracted to have their own flaws. And when the dust settles it becomes all too clear.

It’s so much better to value the one we have in our lives. Work together, to remind yourselves why you fell for each other.

12. Don’t surrender too quickly.

Difficulties come in every relationship, yours isn’t any different. Remember you vowed to be together through thick and thin.

Just be patient and fight the difficulties together. The storm will pass if you don’t quit.

Building a successful marriage is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of hard work, love and emotional investment. If you want to have a strong and ever-lasting marriage with your partner, then make sure that you keep these pointers in mind, and see how your marriage flourishes.

If you want to know more about the secrets that help build a successful marriage, then check out this video below:
Marriage

There was occasional tension during the wedding planning process when my husband and I got married, but overall everything went pretty smoothly.

Ironically, it wasn’t until a few weeks after our wedding that I was faced with a wedding crisis.

I still remember the day I received that fateful phone call. I saw our wedding photographer’s name appear on my phone and I answered, full of excitement, imagining our special day being timelessly captured.

“Hey Liz… I’m not really sure how to say this, and I’m so very sorry… something, um… something went wrong with my camera and… well, my memory cards completely corrupted… Liz, um… I’m so sorry. Some of the pictures came through, but…”

I didn’t even hear the rest of the sentence. I was devastated.

As the weeks passed, I grieved the fact that I wouldn’t have those pictures to reflect on: my mother helping me into my dress, our wedding party sharing smiles and moments of love and connection, my husband and I in those cheesy but ever-so-special portraits, moments after we made our lifelong commitment to each other.

My husband, being the pragmatic and logical man he is, handled the situation differently. He was frustrated, no doubt, but he didn’t seem to experience the same kind of desperation I did. He explored potential solutions: Could the photographer find some way to retrieve the photos? Could we just ask all of our friends and family to send us the photos they captured from their cameras and phones?

It wasn’t until one day in a grocery store parking lot that he said something that actually made me feel better.

I was expressing how upset I was about the lost photos. Naturally, my husband responded to each complaint with some form of “well, we can always have new ones taken later” or, “at least we got some of the pictures back”.

Then, he stopped, turned, and said, “You know what? I’m sorry. You’ve been talking about how upset you are about this whole thing and I keep minimizing your feelings because I don’t know what I can do or say to fix it. But you’re right – this really, truly sucks. And I’m sorry. I love you.”

It was strange. And it was wonderful.

Those ten seconds of empathy were all I needed to feel better. I just needed someone, especially my husband, to acknowledge the grief I was having over the lost pictures and memories. And when he did, it made a world of difference.

Dr. John Gottman has continuously affirmed the power of showing up for your partner emotionally. In his own words: “Masters of relationships adopt the motto that when you’re hurting, baby, the world stops and I listen.”

Whether it’s stress about how much money to spend, who to invite, what to wear, or where to get married, all premarital couples will find their patience tested in one way or another during the wedding planning process. When stress compounds, one or both partners can feel completely overwhelmed, disconnected, and misunderstood.

Here’s the truth: At the end of the day, your wedding is not about the photos.

It’s about the deeper questions of, “Will you be there for me when I’m upset? When I’m stressed? When I’m disappointed?”

These difficult moments are opportunities to show up for your partner in times of need.

We long for security, certainty, and connection in our relationship. When we experience a stressful event (like my photo crisis), we may question the emotional certainty of our bond if our partner doesn’t show up for us.

Your marriage will have moments when your partner is struggling with something and you won’t know how to fix it. The simple truth is that practicing empathy and understanding will help them more than trying to solve the problem ever will. Here are three practical ways to do this:

Read Highly Sensitive Person Relationships: 10 Secrets To A Successful HSP – Non-HSP Marriage

1. When your partner comes to you with a frustration, concern, or is just upset about something, stop and listen. Be interested. Say, “You seem upset. What’s going on?”

2. Paraphrase what your partner shares by saying, “So what I’m hearing you say is ____” and repeat back your understanding of what you heard them say. Check for accuracy. Let them clarify.

3. Don’t be a problem solver. Let go of your agenda. If you have a potential solution or feedback, check in with your partner to see if they are in a place to hear it. You might say, “I’ve got a couple of ideas that may help with the situation, do you want to hear them?” Remember, it’s not personal if they don’t. They just aren’t ready.

In his book What Makes Love Last?, Dr. Gottman explains that your role as a listener is to understand your partner’s point of view, respond non-defensively, and practice empathy. Problem-solving comes after understanding, not before, otherwise, any proposed solution will create disconnection and resentment.

So, learn to show up for your partner. Day after day.

As you continue forward on your wedding planning and marital preparation journey, be mindful of the opportunities to connect with your partner. These connection opportunities may come in the form of crisis, stress, and frustration, but if you can learn to utilize them in positive ways, you will be actively setting up your marriage for long-term success.

By Liz Higgins, LMFTA

This article was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.

Are you getting ready to tie the knot? See if your relationship has the 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last by getting a free copy of our guide here.

Read How To Mentally Prepare For Your Marriage
Marriage

Couples who argue very often are believed to have unhealthy relationships. Do they really? What if it is the other way round?

When relationships begin love is in the air. We get so high on love that we ignore all differences, proving the adage ’love is blind.’

In fact, the foundation of love is laid with compromise. It’s like we are ready to believe ‘the sun rises in the west’ if they say so, just kidding. But we do compromise a lot. Once past the butterfly stage, when the trip of love is low, we start to feel differences of opinion. It’s time our relationship goes through the test. We start having arguments. If these arguments are healthy we can learn a lot from each other and if not the relationship becomes toxic.

No love story, or let’s say no epic love story, ever existed without arguments. Arguments, in fact, breed passion. Arguments show individualism, different perspectives, and the ability to teach each other.

By arguing I don’t mean abusing each other. Throwing plates, punching, or breaking bones… ouch!

Arguing simply means two minds having a difference of opinion, a battle of minds and for sapiosexuals, this is a great turn on.

Here Are 6 Reasons Why Couples Who Argue Are Happier In Reality

1. Your relationship will survive anything.

If you cannot argue with your loved one I’m sorry it just isn’t real love. If you can open your heart and mind and say what you want to say to your partner, your love will survive anything. If you bottle up your thoughts in fear of hurting each other, your worst nightmare may befall you.

Lack of arguing is due to a lack of engagement and this, my friend, is not a very nice word.

2. There is mutual respect.

Your views can be contradictory and that’s totally okay. It doesn’t mean you lack respect for each other. It means you are open to differences and this gives you better understanding and a broader horizon.

Being able to listen to a different opinion and not losing your mind; instead countering it with a better argument raises both awareness and respect and that is how love blossoms. After all, love is not about how you feel for the other person but how you treat the significant other.

Does your relationship have the right amount of respect? Read 25 Ways You Can Show Respect to Your Partner

3. Absence of fear.

Fear and love can never stay together. Having arguments shows you’re not afraid of each other. You have the freedom to proffer your opinion and complacent partners are appreciated for a while but it’s the combative partner who makes the journey colorful. If your partner wants you to be complacent and not combative, chances are you’re with a narcissist.

Having healthy arguments shows you’re strong people and have a healthy love for each other and can handle strong opinions.

4. Presence of comfort.

We don’t fight or argue with just anybody. We argue only with people we love and this shows we are comfortable around and with them. We can have a difference of opinion and still be together. This is really comforting.

We can be who we are, no showoff or no ‘trying to be the nice person’. You don’t have to make up things or agree just to please someone. These situations are really uncomfortable. You know an argument you have is not going to ruin your relationship and that is a comfort.

Does your partner argue with you enough? Read If Your Woman Doesn’t Argue With You, She Probably Doesn’t Love you

5. Absence of boredom.

When you can argue and give different opinions and ideas, it is anything but boring. You don’t need to keep yelling but get on the table with your opinions and play the pawn with your brain. These fights breed passion and after an argument, if it doesn’t decide who wins you can take it to the bed. *curtains on*

6. Presence of ideas.

You can always learn from each other. Arguments are not really to decide who is right and who is wrong but to present things you know and analyze which is right. In this process, the difference in knowledge provides an opportunity to learn from each other.

Isn’t it amazing that you can learn something new every day from your partner? If your partner argues with you, you sir/madam have someone to teach something every day.

Like everything in life, it’s about keeping the balance. You never want to insult or disrespect your partner. You can put your opinion forward in a humble manner. When you are in a healthy relationship you can always share what you believe in. It’s all in how you present any discussion.

If you want to know more about why couples who argue are happier, then check out this video below: