How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?
According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing:
Christina and Brad remind me of the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They love each other, but over time their disconnection pushes them apart. Next thing you know they are shooting bullets at each other and their love has turned lethal.
Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.
Meaningless Fights Can Make Or Break Trust
Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other’s feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.
What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship.
If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.
Instead of reaching out for each other’s hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You feel like you’re too scared to speak about how you feel in fear of starting another fight.
Maybe it’s been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates. Am I right?
Why Relationships Fail
Negative events will always happen in relationships, but that isn’t what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when the Story of Us is focused on the problems partners create, not the love partners offer.
Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story is focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect, sometimes without even realizing it.
It’s like a stone in your shoe. Over time, it becomes so irritating that you take off your shoe and throw the rock as far away as possible. If we constantly have a narrator telling us how negative our relationship makes us feel, then we start to see our partner as selfish. We stop believing our partner has our best interests at heart. Our potential for disconnection and betrayal increases over time.
The lovey dovey feelings we once had are replaced with loneliness, frustration, and anger. Each small incident only increases the potential for betrayal or breakup.
There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all positive stories of our lover. Dr. Gottman calls this being in the “negative perspective.” Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can’t trust.