The Difference Between Needing And Wanting A Man

 / 

needing and wanting a man

What’s the difference between needing a man and wanting a man, and are these two mutually exclusive? What if you can need and want someone at the same time?

It took a major relationship argument to realize that, while I knew I could go it alone, I really wanted someone else along for the ride. To help. To support. To love me through it.

According to the Holmes and Rahe Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), divorce a top life stressor, second only to the death of a spouse. The physical, mental, and emotional toll divorce can take on a person and, more so, a family, is significant.

I’ve always been a pretty independent woman, but my divorce ramped up that independence ten-fold. It’s important to me that my children see that we can and will forge ahead and still be successful and happy, in spite of the societal expectations that we have a man around. In my time as a single mother, I’ve taught myself how to change a tire and jump-start a car (in four-inch heels and a dress, no less).

I’ve learned plumbing and furniture restoration, figured out what sort of wound requires a little liquid Band-aid and which merits a trip to the ER for stitches, all while suppressing my urge to pass out at the sight of blood as I did when I was younger. I talk football with my kids, mow my own yard, patch holes in the walls. I hang shelves. I trap the mice and rescue the frogs and kill ALL THE SPIDERS (because we all have our limits). I do it all around here because the truth of the matter is I, along with the majority of single parents, don’t have an option.

Related: The Difference Between Needing a Man and Wanting a Man

And then, two years post-divorce, I started dating someone seriously.

For a while, my independent streak was an advantage to both of us. There was no chance I’d become the needy girlfriend, no chance I’d be that whiner, that helpless damsel you hear so much about. “Don’t worry, I’ve got it” became my mantra. For every dinner he bought, I bought one. Every time I’d come across one of life’s little (and not-so-little) bumps, he’d respectfully stand back and watch as I slogged through it on my own.

Because I didn’t require his help. I didn’t need him, I wanted him. There was a difference.

The night I received my brand new writing desk in a series of boxes from Amazon, I grabbed a hammer and a beer and set in to assemble the most majestic desk there ever was.

An hour and a half, three beers, and a number of f-bombs later, I was only about a third of the way into my project. Frustrated and fed up, I was snappy with my kids and my boyfriend who had stopped by to check on my progress. My contractor boyfriend. My contractor boyfriend who spent the bulk of his time managing and working for his own construction business.

“How’s it coming?” He asked.

“I’m fine,” I snapped.

“Why aren’t you using your drill instead of that screwdriver?”

“Because I lost the *bleeping* battery to the drill and I don’t have a backup. It’s fine. I’m fine. Hush.”

“I’ve got a drill in the truck.”

“I don’t need a drill. I’ve got this screwdriver.”

“You know, I’ve built things before.”

“I’M FINE. I CAN DO THIS.”

And on it went until we were virtually screaming at each other at which point he stomped out, completely irritated, and I threw my stupid screwdriver across the empty room. It was one of the bigger fights we’d ever had.

“I don’t need you around, I want you, don’t you see that?” I told him, later.

“Need and want don’t have to be mutually exclusive,” he said. “You don’t have to make everything harder than it has to be to prove a point. I want to help.”

And that was just the problem, wasn’t it? I’d heard the “I’m here to help” schtick before, and look where it led me. I didn’t need his help, dammit! I could do it!

Want to know more about the difference between needing a man and wanting a man? Check this video out below!

Difference between needing a man and wanting a man

I could build a desk. I could pay for my own movie ticket. I could take care of myself and my children. After a while, it started to seem like I shouldn’t be in a relationship at all…because what was the point if I wasn’t willing to accept companionship?

The dirty little secret I’ve kept tucked safely away for thirty-four years is that I’ve always been a closet romantic.

I’m talking sick levels of romantic, here. Blooming flowers, singing birds, mice sewing ballgowns…all of it. It took me a long time to admit that to anyone, especially myself because it felt less bad-ass to want to believe in the Happily Ever Afters. I was torn – the two halves of myself, Romantic and Independent Woman constantly at war.

It almost felt like I was letting down Gloria Steinem personally every time I would get starry-eyed over a particularly sparkly engagement ring in a magazine ad. I felt as if I was punching Rosie the Riveter right in the mouth every time I wished for Prince Charming to show up and slay the dragon, for once. (I am so damn tired of slaying the dragons.) So I denied that half of my soul to everyone including myself because it felt disingenuous to want both to be a strong independent woman and to wish for a man to sweep me off my feet.

Related: The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody

It took a major relationship argument to realize that, while I knew I could go it alone, I really wanted someone else along for the ride. To help. To support. To love me through it.

I really wanted to need a man just as much as he needed me.

That realization has completely changed how I approach relationships. While I’m no longer with that particular boyfriend, I am a little more gracious in accepting (and, GAG, even asking for) help. I’ve learned to embrace my inner sap, instead of cage her off in a corner somewhere. I’ve made peace with both halves of myself, both in and out of a relationship.

Because at the end of the day, I want to need a partner in life. And that subtle shift in thinking has made all the difference.


Written by Kasey Ferris
Originally appeared in The Goodmen Project
The Difference Between Needing And Wanting A Man
Difference Between Needing A Man And Wanting A Man
needing and wanting a man pin
The Difference Between Needing And Wanting A Man

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

What Is Pebbling Love language? Tips To Spark Love

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

What Is Pebbling Love language?

To attract a partner, male Gentoo penguins offer female penguins little stones or pebbles, to help build their nests.

Although humans don’t exchange rocks as a token of love, but the idea of penguin pebbling love language operates on the same basic principle of making someo



Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Meeting Someone Twice Theory: Best Examples

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

So let’s learn how the universe might be making these things happen on purpose.

What Is The Meeting Someone Twice Theory?

You meet someone in passing at a coffee shop, party or on the street. You exchange fleeting pleasantries, maybe share a laugh or a conversation, and then life goes on as usual.

But then, weeks or months or years later, you cross paths again and th



Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move On: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at least one instance of infidelity?

If your partner has cheated on you, you’re not alone. Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship.

But it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. It’s about letting go of the hurt and anger so that you can move forward.

In this guide, you will learn practical steps for how to forgive a cheater, inc



Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

Beliefs caused by trauma can act as invisible barriers, keeping you from finding and maintaining love. If you are tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns, it’s time to dig into these 7 trauma beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life.

So, are you ready to know all the ways trauma is keeping you single? Come on, let’s find out together.

Related:



Up Next

3 Relationship Check In Questions On Love, According To A Psychologist

Relationship Check In Questions For Couples In Love

It’s common for us to push relationships down our list of priorities when we get busy. We think we’ll make up for lost time later, assuming everything will be fine. But what if everything isn’t fine? Below are 3 crucial relationship check in questions for couples to make life simpler!

According to a recent publication of Current Issues in Personality Psychology, discussions were shown to be an effective strategy for solving disagreements and improving the quality of relationships.

So, a monthly relationship relationship check in questions can help keep your love boat afloat. Once a month, you and your partner can sit across from each other and talk. It isn’t about pointing fingers or finding fault; it’s about feeding the connection



Up Next

8 Clear Signs Someone Cares About You (Even If They Don’t Always Express It)

Unmistakable Signs Someone Cares About You

Are you confused about whether they genuinely care about you? Well, this article will take you through 8 unmistakable signs someone cares about you deeply, even though they do not always express it.

There is an ancient saying that actions speak louder than words. An expression like that tends to stick around for a reason, and this one does make a lot of sense. In our increasingly chaotic and noisy world, it’s easy to forget that some people struggle to verbalize their feelings. But remember, still waters run deep.

Just because someone struggles to express their feelings in words doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Actually, the real clues are buried within their actions. Look out for these telltale signs to know if someone cares about you genuinely:



Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

Dysfunctional Relationships

I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like?

Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized