It is often difficult to know that your relationship is over long ago! Most people I have coached or treated were in relationships they knew were over for a year or so before they actually ended it. How do you know when it’s really over?
This is actually really common. It happens for many reasons.
- Fear of leaving something.
- Fear of being alone.
- Guilt of hurting someone.
- Hope that it will get better.
Not sure if itโs you or if the relationship really isnโt repairable. Not wanting to be the one who ends it. Thinking you can change someone.
Not wanting to live with something that has โfailedโ. Kids. Not wanting to move out or ruin the living arrangement. So many reasons. And it doesnโt matter if theyโre valid or not. They are all real.
So then how do you know if the relationship is truly over and itโs time to move on?
I think this is one of the most difficult life questions to answer. It really is. Iโve struggled with it so many times.
But hereโs the truth.
You will never really really know if the relationship is truly over. Iโve seen relationships rise from the dead. Iโve seen people rebuild after cheating and lying. Iโve seen people who canโt stand each other fall in love again.
There are so many factors, controllable and uncontrollable in a relationship that come into play. There are so many internal shifts that can happen that are unexpected.
There are revelations we have daily that change the dynamic and our choices. We are indecisive creatures who change like the wind, depending on our feelings and our thoughts.
Fuck, Iโm one of the most indecisive people I know.
So itโs not about knowing if the relationship is truly over. Because miracles happen. Because anythingโs possible.
Because people change. Because there is no relationship doctor that can predict outcomes with one hundred percent certainty.
Itโs about asking yourself this one simple question.
Is the relationship causing you to break up with yourself?
Let me explain.
First letโs talk about what that actually means.
Are you losing yourself? Are you drifting from who you truly are?
Do you no longer like yourself, respect yourself, know yourself?
Do you feel invisible and powerless and have no sense of who you are anymore?
Do you feel hollow?
Before you answer those questions, you have to ask yourself how much of those feelings are due to the relationship and how much of them is on you and where youโre at in your life?
Many blame their relationship because theyโre at a shitty place in their life. If thatโs the case, you have to own your own shit and rebuild yourself.
As you rebuild yourself, the dynamic of the relationship will change. Or maybe it wonโt if the other person is done. Remember, youโre only fifty percent of any relationship and thatโs what makes knowing if itโs truly over impossible.
On the flip side, if it is your relationship thatโs causing you to break up with you, then itโs just a matter of time before you become so unhappy itโs over.
There is a ticking clock and for some, depending on your fears, your story, your definitions and so many things, it could be months or it could take a year.
But it shouldnโt be a waiting game.
Read How to Know When to End a Relationship That is Making You Miserable
And this is the part I really want italicize. This is what I would like for you to take away from this article, if anything.
Especially if youโre in something right now and you donโt know what to do because you donโt know if itโs truly over.
(Assuming youโre not in an abusive relationship. If youโre in an emotional or physically abusive relationship, and your partner is doing nothing to change him or herself, itโs over.)
Donโt. Just. Wait.
For the other person or the relationship to magically change.
Do something. I can tell you itโs your responsibility but Iโm going to take another approach. Thereโs nothing worse than leaving something knowing you could have done more.
Trust me. Iโve had to carry that and itโs heavy and it sucks.
So what do you do?
Besides the obvious like couples counseling and communication, you start to rebuild your relationship with yourself.
So many people think repairing a relationship only has to do with the dynamic and the other person and forget about the relationship with themselves.
So then the big question is
What does it look like to start working on the relationship with yourself?
Itโs going to look different for everyone of course. I can tell you what it looked like for me.
Lots of being still.
For most of my life, Iโve lived with noise. Drowning in my thoughts. You have to be still to think clearly or youโre just reacting.
If you want to connect with yourself, you have to minimize the mental chatter. I lived from my chest. Connecting with me meant connecting to my breath and staying out of my head.
Read 50 Things We All Deserve In A Relationship
Seeking new experiences.
We learn about ourselves through new experiences. Not through our thoughts. And new experiences donโt just fall on our lap. We have to seek them.
That means we have to give them to ourselves. In these new experiences, I started to create new beliefs about myself.
Having non-negotiables
When you negotiate too much, you start drifting from you. Non-negotiables created a framework for me to start rebuilding me. I created non-negotiables with friends, work, career, etc.
Committing to promises I made to myself (this is how you build self esteem).
When it came to promises I made to myself, I talked a lot of shit but rarely did anything. You canโt build self esteem if you keep breaking promises youโve made to yourself.
The action of keeping promises to you is what loving yourself looks like. This is how I started to trust myself again.
Read 3 Ways Your Ego Will Kill Your Relationship
Standing on my truth.
I stopped exchanging my truth for membership. I started to care less what others thought and did what I felt was honest to me. In all areas of my life. Period.
Finding my voice.
I lost my voice many years ago. And when you lose your voice, you live muted. And thatโs not living. Thatโs existing.
I allowed myself to be heard again. Not only by speaking up but also through creative expression like writing.
Discovering my wants and needs, and knowing the difference.
You have to know what you want before you can actually give yourself that. So I started to discover what I wanted and didnโt want. In all areas of my life.
But before that, you have to know what you need. And that comes before your wants. Itโs the foundation.
Finding a sense of purpose.
I never really had a sense of purpose. So I just floated through life chasing things. Purpose gave me tracks. And it pulled me our of my own unhappiness because there was now something greater.
Reconnecting to my body.
I worked out but never really connected to my body. Movement through my body made me feel whole and complete instead of just having parts.
Read 6 Sad Ways You End Up Ruining The Intimacy In Your Relationship
Finally liking myself.
I finally started liking myself by accepting myself. All parts of me as I started to let go of my insecurities and practice self love and compassion.
I realized how insignificant all of that stuff was in the bigger picture. I guess I never had a bigger picture before.
As you go through this process of rediscovering and reconnecting with yourself, your relationship with your partner will either get better or worse.
You guys will grow closer or drift apart. Naturally. Because as you change, the dynamic of your relationship will change. You will either rediscover love with your partner or drift.
And thatโs when you will truly know if itโs over.
You get to realize that it is no more.
Written By John Kim - The Angry Therapist Subscribe to audio course? โNo more unhealthy relationships.โ Click HERE If you want to build yourself a brand new container, get the book HERE. If you wanna be a life coach, come ride with us HERE. Originally appeared on Medium.com
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