You waited until youโd dated a guy for several weeks before sleeping together. Though you were hot for him and curious about what getting in the sack would be like, you made a conscious effort to get to know him and trust him first.
Soโฆthatโs good, right??
Exceptโฆafter you slept together for the first time, he grew distant. Maybe he started taking longer to reply to your textsโฆorย ghosted altogether.
WTF? Why do men lose interest after sex?ย What did you do wrong?
If youโre like most women, you will never know why this happened or how to prevent it from happening again. You might be hurt and start to build a giant wall around your heart, brick by brick. You must protect yourself.
But you arenโt going to be that woman. I wonโt let you. In this video, I am going to lay it all out there for you so that you understand why this happens.ย Iโll reveal the secrets that men wonโt tell you about why they lose interest after sex.
Men can be funny creatures, canโt they?
We can sit around and argue about football statistics for hoursโฆ
We can focus intently on a video game for weeks, only coming up to eat and showerโฆwell, eat, anyway.
We can change a tire in 10 minutes, yet it takes us aย centuryย to get our laundry doneโฆ
Like dogs, weโre easily distracted [SQUIRREL!].
And when it comes toย love and sex, sometimes we donโt know exactly why we do what we do. Especially sex. Thereโs this thing called theย reptilian brainย that essentially seeks out sex and pleasure without regard to the consequences.
That doesnโt justify men losing interest in you. Iโm just saying thereโs a scientific component to this situation. Letโs dive in and learn more.
The best you can do is understand some of the reasons they back off after having sex with you, and figure out how best to respond.
1. All He Wanted Was Sexโฆand Nothing More
At a certain time in some guysโ lives, sex is all they want and they will do anything to get it.
That might happen in their 20sโฆ
Or 30sโฆ
Or 50s. Sorry ladies. Thereโs no precise window of time I can inform you of. Itโs different for every guy, and this isnโt even the case for every guy.
Guys who let that reptilian brain lead will work hard to win your heart, schmooze you, and get you to open up to them.
Once theyโve gotten what they wanted (sex), the game is over.ย The thrill of the chase is gone.
It may hurt. You might want to scream and stomp your feet, but you canโt take it personally. Itโs just the reality of life sometimes.
For some men,ย sex boosts their self esteem. I mean, what could give a man more of an ego boost than a scantily-clad woman who wants to get frisky with him?
But get this: itโs not your job to boost his self-esteem. And likely, he wonโt keep that confidence high with having just you as a partner. The kind of guy we call aย playerย is one who becomes practically addicted to conquering his โsexual preyโ in order to keep that self-esteem high. That means multiple partners for him, and lots of heartbreak for you.
And still others guys have sex to feel they have control over others. If thereโs nothing substantial in your relationship with this man beyond what happens in the bedroom (and he gladly takes control there), this might be the case.
All that being said, what can you do about the guy who only wants sex from you? Look for the signs before jumping in bed with a new paramour.
If he only texts late at nightย or gives no effort to make plans that involve being outside of his home, take note of that.ย If his perverted jokes tip the balance beyond what youโre comfortable with, ask yourself why sexual innuendoes are his go-to sense of humor.
If he encourages you to drink more than you normally would on a date, push back. Drink slowly, drink lots of water, andย donโt leave your drink unattendedย (better safe than sorry).
If everything adds up to it seeming like this guy isnโt all that interested in you with your clothes on, move on. You wonโt change his mind once youโve slept with him, and youโll likely regret taking it that farย if youโre looking for Mr. Right.
2. Lust Gave Him Blinders
Maybe this guy had every intention ofย becoming your boyfriend. He thought he was falling for you in the early daysโฆthen you had sex.
Now heโs internally freaking out because he realizes he barely knows you. Or that you have nothing in common.
That was great Jenโฆuh, Jamieโฆuh, Jessica?
Sometimes we can be blinded by lust and think we know people better than we really do early on. Thereโs a sort of glamor shot haze that we see people through (akaย rose colored glasses), but as we get to know them, we might realize we have nothing in common.
So while it might seem like he might pull away after intimacy, it may be that heโs seeing (before you) that this has no future.
Itโs easy to get really excited about this incredible physical chemistry between the two of you. The buildup to the first time you have sex can be mind-blowing (sometimes more than the sex; see #3).
But once the dust clears, he (and you) may realize that you really donโt know each other all that well, and maybeย having sex too soon stunted the potential to grow together. Or else you realize that you arenโt all that aligned and that a relationship ainโt gonna happen.
In this case, my best advice to you is to take things slow from the start. Yes, you may be hungry like a wolf for him, but waiting will only make it that much sweeter when you do have sex. If you take the time to get to know each other first, youโll be assured that being intimate will only enhance what youโve got.
And, of course, you wonโt have slept with a guy who bolted right after.
3. The Sexual Chemistry Just Isnโt There
That buildup I was just talking about had you so sure the sex would be toe-tingling and hair-raising.
Onlyโฆit wasnโt.
Like in a rom-com, you were left staring at the ceiling, wondering what went wrong.
Maybe he just wasnโt into it.
Maybe he likes one thing, you like something else, and you werenโt comfortable enough to have a conversation about it.
Maybe he finished quicklyโฆbut left you still wanting more.
Each of these scenarios happens all the time, and theyโre perfectly natural. Not everyone is sexually compatible. Take this as a sign that a relationship probably wonโt be any easier.
Now, all this being said, it can be hard toย judge sexual compatibilityย after just one session. One or both of you might be nervous. You donโt yet know how to express what turns you on,ย nor does he. It takes a while to get into the groove of another personโs body, wants, and needs, so give it another chance if youโre the one ready to throw in the towel.
If he seems uninterested in trying again, open up the dialogue to get him curious about how much better the next time will be.
Did you like it when I did [insert sexy move here] last night?
Is there something else youโd like to try?
I got really turned on when you [insert sexy move here].
It could be fun to try [insert sexy move here].
Guys like women who take initiative and whoย express confidence sexually, so make sure you frame the conversation positively and with suggestions rather than negatively or critically (โI almost got off until you finished, rolled over, and went to sleep!โ)
Itโs always worth the effort to try again. But be honest if you agree that the chemistry wasnโt there, and you donโt think that will change. Better to cut your losses and move on than to waste time on the wrong guy.
4. Heโs Scared That Youโre Getting too Emotionally Involved
Sandy liked Brian, but wasnโt head over heels with himโฆuntil they slept together.
Now heโs on her mind all the time, and sheโs frustrated because heโs responding to her texts less and less frequently.
Itโs not Sandyโs โ or your โ fault that sex and orgasms releaseย oxytocin, which is known as the love hormone. Itโs simple scientific fact.
So, you might feel more attached to a guy after sleeping with him. Itโs normal, lady.
But for a man, especially if he thinks thereโs just something casual happening between you two, he may get a little freaked out when he sees that youโre making googly eyes at him post-coitus.
You might be giving off signs that you want more than just a bootie call.ย You might ask what his weekend plans are, fully hoping that heโll include you in them. You might talk about a concert happening three months from now, making it clear that you assume youโll still be together.
If your behavior is making him pull away, youโll soon know. He may lose interest, especially if heโs not really interested in that level of emotional connection right now.
If you really arenโt getting emotionally attached, communicate that. Tell him you like things being casual like they are. Or if you are ready to take things to the next level, go ahead and put it out there so that everythingโs on the table.
Again, better to mark him off the list if heโs not in the same headspace as you than to waste time on him.
5. Not All Relationships are Meant to Last
If you think about it, many โ if not most โ relationships you have in your life are just meant to last a very short period of time.
There are, in fact,ย stages of a relationship:
- Initial attraction
- Honeymoon period and peak sexual attraction
- Post-honeymoon with connection and chemistry
- Comfort and stability with some reduction in sexual desire
- Possible conflict
- Resolution by breaking up or getting past the conflict
Just because there are six steps here doesnโt mean they canโt all happen in a matter of weeks! Some relationships fizzle out quickly, and honestly, those are better because you quickly figure out heโs not the right guy and can move on.
You may really, really hope that this guy is The One, but no amount of wishing will make that the case if heโs not supposed to be. In fact, the simple term โThe Oneโ indicates thatโฆwait for itโฆthereโs just one guy for you!
So expecting a new fling to turn into a long and fulfilling relationship? Well, the chances are slim. A million little factors need to line up. In order for a relationship to last, you need to survive so many levels of compatibility: sexual compatibility,ย intellectual compatibility, values, interests.
So many things need to click for two people to really have something for the long haul.
And many times when two people have sex for the first time, thatโs a moment of clarity in the relationship. A lot of times men will just back off because having sex somehow opens their eyes to understanding that this is not what they want.
Donโt take it as an indication that you were bad in bed. Take it to mean that he got the message first that you two are not meant to be. He canโt be wrong; it only takes one person to decide that a couple isnโt going to work out; you can accept it and move on, or get angry andย try to force him to love you.
Guess which will get better results.
You have to find a needle in the haystack. Nearly literally. Dating is all about getting to know more people so that you figure out what you want in a guy and then find him when the time is right and the stars align.
But donโt let him be the only one to determine whether this relationship has potential. Consider how things are outside of the bedroom. Do you enjoy spending time with him? Do you look forward to seeing him? Do you miss him when youโre not with him?
If the answer to these questions is no, you might be trying to force a relationship where there is none. Even if the sex is fantastic, thatโs not going to sustain you.
Want more for yourself. A happy and healthy relationship has both amazing sex and wonderful quality time. The right partner is one youโre eager to have conversations about anything at all with, and one youโre just as happy curling up next to on the couch with as much as going out for dinner and a movie.
So donโt let sex dominate your view of this relationship (orโฆnot-relationship, as it were).
Conclusion:
Know this: your sexual power over men is incredibly potent. Men will climb over mountains for sex sometimes.
As someone famous once said (though no oneโs sure who first said it; Spidermanโs uncle? Voltaire?):
With power comes great responsibility.
If youโre only using that sexual power to lure him in, donโt be surprised that once that power disappears, he does too.
Sex can be a healthy component of a balanced relationship, but it should never be used as a tool.
Men know the power that women yield over them. Itโs probably why they pull into their turtle shells at the first sign of affection from women.
Know what you want from a relationship, and from sex, my Confident Lady. Donโt be afraid to express your needs, or to cut bait when necessary. Youโre better off ending it with a guy you know will never want more than a romp in the hay if youโre on your path to love.
Want to know more about attracting the right guy?ย Get free access to the 7 Emotional Attraction Principles.
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Written by Adam LaDolce
Originally appeared on SexyConfidence
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