Does good communication truly determine relationship satisfaction, or are there deeper factors at play? Let’s explore the truth behind long-term happiness between partners.
The paradox of communication.
Key points
- Timing and context matter as much as communication itself.
- Simply improving communication might not be enough.
- Mutual goals strengthen relationship satisfaction.
When we think of a happy relationship, one of the first things that comes to mind is good communication. It just seems intuitive.
If couples can talk openly, positively, and effectively with each other, they should feel more connected and be able to cope with life’s difficulties. For this reason, one of the most common requests in couples therapy is to work on communication.
But what if this common perception isn’t quite right? While the request is valid, it may just be the tip of the iceberg. What if, despite best efforts to improve it, some couples still don’t find satisfaction?
Read More Here: How To Improve Communication Skills: 5 Proven Techniques
Does Communication Predict Satisfaction?
Research has questioned the assumption that good communication alone can maintain high levels of relationship satisfaction. Specifically, two long-term studies conducted in 2016 and 2022 examined whether communication is simply a byproduct of existing satisfaction.
The first study tracked newlywed couples over three years, while the second followed married or cohabiting heterosexual couples for 12 months, assessing their communication and satisfaction levels.
The first study compared couples to identify general trends, while the second looked at changes within individual couples over time. This distinction is important because what may be true for most couples might not apply to every relationship.
Despite their different approaches, both studies arrived at similar findings:
- Now vs. the Future: Couples who communicated positively and with less negativity were generally more satisfied in the moment, but these patterns did not strongly predict future satisfaction.
- Influence Goes Both Ways: Communication and satisfaction significantly influence each other over time, but neither reliably predicts long-term outcomes. This suggests that good communication alone isn’t enough for lasting satisfaction.
- The Way We Talk Matters: Both studies revealed that less negative communication was consistently linked to higher satisfaction, while positive communication did not always lead to increased satisfaction. Interestingly, negative communication occasionally predicted long-term satisfaction, or at least did not always lead to declines in satisfaction, and in some cases, was linked to slower declines in satisfaction.
This research suggests that other factors, such as context and timing, may play a role. In other words, simply increasing positive and reducing negative communication may not increase satisfaction without addressing other aspects and dynamics within the relationship.
Adding More to the Conversations
Often, what some couples are experiencing is ineffective communication—conversations that are merely transactional, focused on logistics, or that go back and forth without any real progress or mutual understanding. To move beyond surface-level communication, couples can focus on:
- Active Listening: Truly hearing, understanding, and considering what your partner is saying without simply planning a response.
- Empathy: Expressing genuine concern for your partner’s feelings and experiences.
- Focusing on Problem-Solving: Adopting a solution-focused mindset rather than merely expressing frustration.
- Building Trust and Vulnerability: Creating a safe space where both partners feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings.
- Observation vs. Evaluation: Focusing on specific, factual occurrences without attaching judgment or assuming motives.
By incorporating these elements into daily interactions, couples can foster understanding and connection, paving the way for more meaningful conversations and shared experiences.
Moving Towards Mutual Goals Of A Happy Relationship
An additional element of ineffective communication may stem from a lack of shared objectives and mutual goals. Research suggests that goal awareness and planning in relationships significantly contributes to overall satisfaction.
When couples actively support each other’s goals, communicate openly about their desires and needs, and cooperate in their efforts, they not only make progress toward their goals but also enhance their relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. To improve communication:
- Identify Common Goals: Work toward common goals, whether they involve emotional support, conflict resolution, or future planning.
- Collaborate: Work together to find solutions that satisfy both partners and better outcomes.
- Commit to Progress: Focus on continuous progress, both personally and as a couple.
Impact of Achieving Shared Goals
Aligning on mutual goals is a necessary first step, but the real impact on relationship satisfaction comes from the actual attainment of these goals. The positive effects of goal coordination are only fully realized when couples make tangible progress toward their objectives.
Without this progress, merely talking about and aligning on goals may not lead to increased life satisfaction. The study highlights the importance of not just setting goals together, but also actively working towards and achieving them.6
Shortcuts to Relationship Satisfaction
We often seek quick fixes and easy solutions, and working on communication and goal setting is a great place to start.
While improving relationship satisfaction may seem like a long and winding road, there are actually shortcuts—but not the kind that avoid challenges. In fact, these shortcuts require the opposite approach.
They may involve jumping fences and climbing hills, as the path to a stronger relationship often requires having honest conversations, addressing issues head-on, and focusing on what truly matters.
Avoiding these crucial discussions might seem like the easier route, but in reality, it’s the long way around. The true shortcuts are in being direct, transparent, and understanding, allowing couples to tackle difficult issues right away rather than letting them build into greater challenges later on.
If you found this article helpful, explore more insights on relationships and personal growth by visiting my blog, Life, Love, etc., on Psychology Today.
Stay connected for updates on my upcoming book, Digital Couples Therapy, as well as other resources to help you strengthen your connections. For more information, visit my website at www.annalmft.com.
Read More Here: How Do We Practice Compassionate Communication?
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2022). Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534-549. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920
Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication? Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 680-694. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12301
Rogers, C. R. (2021). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Robinson.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.
Rosta-Filep, O., Lakatos, C., Thege, B.K. et al. (2023). Flourishing Together: The Longitudinal Effect of Goal Coordination on Goal Progress and Life Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 8(Suppl 2), 205–225. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-023-00089-3
Written by: Anna Elton, LMFT
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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