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Why Daughters of Narcissists Are Drawn to Narcissistic Men

Why Daughters of Narcissists Are Drawn to Narcissistic Men

Do you know that daughters of narcissists are more likely to grow up, and gravitate towards narcissistic men when it comes to dating and relationships?

Due to the first blueprint for romantic relationships being molded by their toxic fathers, daughters of narcissistic fathers run the risk of engaging in a trauma repetition cycle and ending up in unhealthy relationships or friendships in adulthood.

Daughters of narcissistic fathers may find themselves being retraumatized by predators who are very similar to their first male ‘role model.’ This is not their fault: anyone can be targeted by a malignant narcissist regardless of their trauma history and anyone can be affected by the effects of trauma. 

Yet it is important to consider that childhood abuse survivors may be especially vulnerable to grandiose, narcissistic types not only due to their deeper core wounds and beliefs but also the narcissist’s own predatory behavior.

Toxic narcissistic types tend to find a great deal of narcissistic supply in those who have empathy, compassion, and resources, as well as psychological resilience built up from trauma (Frankenhuis & de Weerth, 2013). The resilience of survivors may, at first glance, seem like an odd trait to pinpoint in this context, but it is actually one that the abusive narcissist depends on in the abuse cycle.

Consider that the children of narcissists may not have learned how to implement appropriate boundaries, but they learned how to survive while subjected to extreme duress. These essential skills of survival might have been necessary in childhood to avoid the threat of emotional and/or physical harm, but in adult relationships, they become the very factors that can make us susceptible to predators in adulthood.

How Resilience Plays a Factor in the Trauma Repetition Cycle

That is why daughters of narcissists who have been ‘primed’ for abuse may find themselves encountering one predator after another without understanding why. They blame themselves for staying or getting into these relationships, not realizing that two of their greatest strengths – the ability to be resilient and their empathy for others – are being unfairly exploited in a dangerous power play.

Daughters of narcissistic fathers can fall prey to exploitation in adulthood because they learned early on how to be caretakers, adept problem-solvers, and multi-taskers: they learned how to juggle detecting threats in their environment while responding to them in a way that mitigated the danger. They are extremely competent at performing emotional labor for others as well as picking up on nonverbal cues that signal potential threat or abandonment.

In an abusive relationship, this gets translated into people-pleasing, walking perpetually on eggshells and an entrenched sense of powerlessness.

In a healthy relationship, with healthier boundaries and an expectation of emotional reciprocity, daughters of narcissists have much to offer their partners.

Their maturity, emotional generosity, and attentiveness to their partner’s needs can be assets in a healthy relationship after they have developed a healthy sense of self. In an abusive one with a malignant narcissist, however, her willingness to see her partner’s perspective and meet his needs gets taken advantage of and used against her.

What may be surprising for others to learn is that it is not just her vulnerability that makes her a target; it is also her resilience.

The more resilient the daughter of a narcissist is from the violations of her childhood, the more likely she will ‘bounce back’ after incidents of abuse, and continue to try to ‘fix’ or solve the problems of the abusive relationship, much like she did in her early childhood.

She will avoid the threats of confrontation and conflict, leaving her open to the far greater danger of being in a long-term toxic relationship that depletes and drains her. This is especially pertinent to consider since abusive types will test the boundaries of their victims continually throughout the relationship to ensure that the victim grows accustomed to the abuse over time.

Related: 6 Reasons Why People Coming From An Abusive Family Fail To Be Happy In Life

How to address this:

Heal your subconscious wounding through mind-body techniques and alternative remedies. A great deal of our behavior is actually driven by the subconscious mind; that is why talk therapy alone often does not do justice in healing significant trauma or deeply destructive, ingrained beliefs (Lipton, 2016).

It is also important to note that trauma is often stored in the level of the body; its imprint is left on parts of the brain that do not have as much access to the more rational parts of our brain and thus cannot be healed ‘cognitively’ (Tippet & Kolk, 2017).

That is why in addition to traditional therapy, survivors may benefit from EMDR, EFT, hypnotherapy, trauma-focused yoga, Reiki healing, aromatherapy, sound bath therapy as well as a daily meditation practice and exercise regimen to ‘cleanse’ the subconscious wounding that may be tethering them to these abusive partners or friends.

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Shahida Arabi is a graduate of Columbia University graduate school and the author of The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care, a bestselling Kindle book also available in print. She is also the author of Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, which became a #1 Amazon Bestseller upon its pre-order release. She studied Psychology and English Literature as an undergraduate at NYU, where she graduated summa cum laude. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies, and mental health advocacy. You can check out her new blog, Self-Care Haven, for topics related to mindfulness, mental health, narcissistic abuse and recovery from emotional trauma, like her page on Facebook, and subscribe to her YouTube Channel.View Author posts