When it comes to dating in a world of apps and online matchmaking, how can a woman sift through everything thrown their way to find the quality partner they’ve been looking for? What are the types of guys women meet when they date online?
Trying to find a great guy in today’s dating environment is like masturbating with a cheese grater: stimulating, but you already know it’s going to hurt. And if you live in a major metropolitan area, the effects of these issues can feel
doubled tripled holy shit kill me overwhelming.
The proverbial needle-in-a-haystack doesn’t even begin to describe the swipe-swipe-swipe-search-shittydate-swipe-swipe-ghosted-quit-deleteapp-waittwoweeks-downloadappagain-swipe-swipe-swipe approach to dating in today’s technology-centric world. And, let’s get honest: Even though there are great guys out there, somehow the swipes and searches only seem to find just a few types.
Here are 6 guys women meet when they date online:
1. THE ASSHOLE
There’s just no other way to say it, is there? He pings her with a message on today’s latest dating app that claimed to “find great matches for quality professionals.” [insert eye roll] Then, he waits 10 minutes and sends another message. She still hasn’t responded, so now he’s pissed. He follows his initial “Hi there. You’re cute!” with a “Fuck you, fat slut!” What. The. FUCK? Jesus… maybe she’s in the shower… or she’s a doctor in emergency surgery… or she wasn’t waiting with baited breath for Mr. I’m-Messaging-You-While-Sitting-On-The-Toilet to grace her with his presence. Or maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t want to respond. Since when does someone owe anyone anything from a “hello?”
2. THE BREADCRUMBER
He’s witty with his intro on Bumble. It makes her laugh, which fuels a back-and-forth exchange. Then… *poof!* He vanishes. A few days later, “Hey” over text is meant to rekindle things. She’s upset, but she reengages. Another round of texting ensues. Mid-conversation, he’s gone again. She sends a few texts into the void; no responses. A few more days pass, and he pings her with “Sorry, work is crazy” or “Too much shit going on… lol” or even the blame-shift of “Where’d you go the other night?” The game playing is strong with this one, and weeks later there’s still no exchange of phone numbers or plans made.
3. THE LOVE BOMBER
They just met, but he’s all-in in a big way: texts, roses, love notes, expensive dinners, phone calls… it’s an endless assault of not only romance and effort but also lots of long talks about “our future,” “where we will be,” and “what happens when we live together.” His behavior intensifies… until she’s busy, or doesn’t respond “correctly” to a request of his, or simply does something he doesn’t like. Then, he’s all out and she’s devalued. She tries to correct her behaviour fast and if she does, he’s back! The love bombing continues… until she does something else “wrong,” and he’s out again. Pavlov’s dog ain’t got nothin’ on this kind of conditioning.
4. THE DICK PIC
His profile looked normal; he even posted a photo with his dog in an attempt to show his sensitive side. The initial contact was cool, and he was nice. A few messages in, he types, “So, I have to show you something amazing.” She’s thinking it’s a vacation shot from somewhere awesome he’d been recently. Nope. It’s a full pic of his junk—in high-res—for her viewing pleasure. (Because THAT’S what she wanted to see 15 minutes after receiving his first message.) And then, he acts confused as to why she didn’t want to see his cock up-close-and-personal. Umm, maybe—aside from the fact that her agreeing to accept three text messages doesn’t translate as “please slather my phone screen with your penis”—she’s innocently standing in line at Starbucks, waiting for her Pumpkin Spice Latte, you forced her to provide a free full-frontal to everyone in line behind her.
5. THE MARRIED LIAR
A fantastic couple of dates, but he’s headed out of town for a few days. He wants to stay in touch while he’s gone. Can he text?
Sure, but “Why don’t we just connect on Facebook or Instagram?” she asks. He can’t. It’s a “work thing,” and “texting is so much more personal,” he says. “Cool,” she thinks. “He just has his guard up because it’s only been a couple of dates… but he wants to stay in touch while he’s gone, so he’s into me.” A couple of days and many texts later, her best friend pings her with a random Facebook profile. It’s him. He’s on vacation… with his wife, and their two young kids.