What It’s Like To Have Concealed Anxiety

When anxiety gets the best of you, you have to tame it within yourself. 

How does one explain someone the quandary of feeling good by being surrounded by people but also that one’s deepest triggers are usually social situations?

I always masked my worries.

Also keeping those panic attacks in mind. The only thing more terrifying than a panic attack is having the responsibility to explain how a panic attack actually feels like, to your close people.

The symptoms — a racing mind and heart, difficulty breathing, feelings of choking, throats going dry — can make you feel like you’re going to faint, lose your mind and die.

For a long time, i wasn’t aware that I was going through a panic attack. I came to understand it much later when I had already struggled to free myself off it’s grasp for years.

People are puzzled by me – I come across as a perplexing mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly socializing; open but selective of who I open up to. I connect with people easily but can only handle a few close friends who I share my whole world with.

I am bold, outgoing, straightforward and no-nonsense on the one hand while on the other I can be mindbogglingly introspective too. Sometime even the smallest things can stress me out and override my nerves.

Dating is a very difficult game for me.

How am I supposed to explain that I’m not a jealous, insecure, paranoid control-freak, but all I do is overthink about everything. I just analyze everything too much – beyond the point of necessity.

I often find telling myself : Pick your battles. It’s not worth it. Let. It. Go. But Anxiety picks up like : “So.. I was looking through your Facebook page and I go like : “…..Dammit”.

My anxiety doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, looks at me like I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, and treats me better than any other boy has.

Anxiety also doesn’t care about my achievements, about my connections with people or about the compliments I receive from others. I still assume myself to be unworthy and never up to the mark. It always feels like I could have contributed more but couldn’t because of my anxiety. This itself creates anxiety in me and hampers my performance and abilities. These keeps going on in a cycle. While this is annoying, it also keeps me pretty grounded and unpretentious at the same time.

Ironically, my anxiety also often keeps me moving forward. I’m always gripped by the feeling that there’s more that I should be, or could be, doing with my life – and while this is stressful, it also keeps me in check.

I am highly observant and hypervigilant of my surroundings. People actually come to me for advice when they’re stressed out because I’m a great problem-solver – I mean c’mon, the billions of hours I spend thinking has to count for something.

Never let anxiety fool you into thinking you’re not strong enough for something. Never let your anxiety fool you into thinking that you can’t achieve your biggest dreams.