The Art of Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries does not mean you don’t want people to be a part of your life, or you want them to stay away from you; having boundaries helps you decide what you will accept and what you will absolutely not.

The Art Of Setting Boundaries

Merilee wrote the following question to me in one of my relationship webinars:

“Hi Dr. Paul — One of my biggest struggles is being open to giving and receiving love, but also setting boundaries. I want to be loving, not controlling, but I don’t want people to say or treat me in ways that I don’t like. How to reconcile?”

Merilee, of course, you don’t want people to treat you in ways that you don’t like. Who would want that? It’s painful when people treat us in unloving ways.

However, the real issue is to come to terms with what you can and can’t control. I get the feeling from your question that, while you don’t want to be controlling, you believe that setting boundaries gives you control over whether or not others treat you in ways you don’t like.

Related: 10 Great Things That Happen When You Set Boundaries

Defining Boundaries

This is the false belief you need to come to terms with. It sounds like you believe that a boundary is something you set for someone else, rather than something you set for yourself.

If you tell someone, “You can’t treat me that way,” what good is that going to do? They could respond with, “Yes I can. I can treat you any way I want.” Then what?

How to set boundaries in a relationship?

How To Set Boundaries?

The fact is that you have no control over how someone else treats you, but you have total control over how you treat yourself, and how you respond to the way others treat you.

If you are going to set a loving boundary for yourself, then, instead of saying “You can’t treat me that way,” you will say something like, “I don’t like being treated this way, and if you continue, I will leave this conversation (or get off the phone, or leave the house, or leave the relationship). This is what you do have control over – what you choose to do in the face of another’s unloving behavior.

You will be able to open your heart to loving others when you know that if others treat you unlovingly, you will take loving care of yourself by either moving into an intent to learn with that person – if you think he or she will be available to learning with you – or lovingly disengaging and then compassionately managing the loneliness and heartache that are always there when someone is unloving.

When you make loving yourself a higher priority than controlling others, then you will be able to give and receive love.

The art of setting boundaries in relationships is tied in with fully accepting your helplessness over others. As long as you believe you can control another person, then you will not accept the truth – that you are powerless over another’s intent to be loving or unloving.

However, you are not at all powerless over whether YOU choose to be loving or unloving to yourself. When your intent is to be loving to yourself, then you will naturally be unavailable for others’ unloving behavior.

The thing that makes this so challenging is that it is very hard for all of us to accept that we have no control over another’s intent and the resulting behavior.

We want so badly to be able to get a person who is unloving to us to open up and be loving to us because we don’t want to feel the pain of their choice.

This is why it is so important for you to learn to compassionately manage your very painful feelings of loneliness, heartbreak, grief, and helplessness over others.

Without knowing that you can manage these feelings, you will either try to control others or not allow yourself to give and receive love. Neither of these choices will lead to joy or a loving relationship.

Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
Appeared On http://www.innerbonding.com

Related: 5 Life Changing Habits That Build Self Esteem

For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) 


Healthy boundaries in relationships do not create distance or lead to power issues. They help us take care of our well-being and safety.


The Art of Setting Boundaries
Art Setting Boundaries Pin
The Art of Setting Boundaries Pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret Paul

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Dr. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world on the phone and on Skype. She is able to access her own and her client’s spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret Paul, PhD information Anxious, Depressed, Addicted, Empty, Relationship struggles, Inner Bonding – The Power To Heal Yourself! http://www.innerbonding.com

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

Leave a Comment

Today's Horoscope

Accurate Daily Horoscope for 12 Zodiac Signs

Daily Horoscope 21 July 2025: Prediction For Each Zodiac Sign

🌟 Ready to unlock the secrets of 21 July, 2025? Discover your personalized horoscope and see what the stars have in store for you today! ✨🔮

Latest Quizzes

Which DC Superhero Are You (And No You Can't Just Pick Batman)

Which DC Superhero Are You? Take This Quiz To Find Out!

You don't superspeed or heat vision, just be your honest self and let your instincts do the talking.

Latest Quotes

Weekly Horoscope 21 July To 27 July part one

Weekly Horoscope 21 July To 27 July

Weekly Horoscope 21 July To 27 July Aries (March 21 – April 19)Creative fire & leadership vibes come, but you’ll need to manage power struggles & emotional intensity midweek. Conflict in love or work can happen. Pause before reacting. Structure your originality for lasting impact. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)It’s an ideal time to…

Readers Blog

Caption This Image and Selected Wisepicks – 20 July 2025

Ready to unleash your inner wordsmith? ✨??☺️ Now’s your chance to show off your wit, charm, or sheer genius in just one line! Whether it’s laugh-out-loud funny or surprisingly deep, we want to hear it. Submit your funniest, wittiest, or most thought-provoking caption in the comments. We’ll pick 15+ winners to be featured on our…

Latest Articles

Setting boundaries does not mean you don’t want people to be a part of your life, or you want them to stay away from you; having boundaries helps you decide what you will accept and what you will absolutely not.

The Art Of Setting Boundaries

Merilee wrote the following question to me in one of my relationship webinars:

“Hi Dr. Paul — One of my biggest struggles is being open to giving and receiving love, but also setting boundaries. I want to be loving, not controlling, but I don’t want people to say or treat me in ways that I don’t like. How to reconcile?”

Merilee, of course, you don’t want people to treat you in ways that you don’t like. Who would want that? It’s painful when people treat us in unloving ways.

However, the real issue is to come to terms with what you can and can’t control. I get the feeling from your question that, while you don’t want to be controlling, you believe that setting boundaries gives you control over whether or not others treat you in ways you don’t like.

Related: 10 Great Things That Happen When You Set Boundaries

Defining Boundaries

This is the false belief you need to come to terms with. It sounds like you believe that a boundary is something you set for someone else, rather than something you set for yourself.

If you tell someone, “You can’t treat me that way,” what good is that going to do? They could respond with, “Yes I can. I can treat you any way I want.” Then what?

How to set boundaries in a relationship?

How To Set Boundaries?

The fact is that you have no control over how someone else treats you, but you have total control over how you treat yourself, and how you respond to the way others treat you.

If you are going to set a loving boundary for yourself, then, instead of saying “You can’t treat me that way,” you will say something like, “I don’t like being treated this way, and if you continue, I will leave this conversation (or get off the phone, or leave the house, or leave the relationship). This is what you do have control over – what you choose to do in the face of another’s unloving behavior.

You will be able to open your heart to loving others when you know that if others treat you unlovingly, you will take loving care of yourself by either moving into an intent to learn with that person – if you think he or she will be available to learning with you – or lovingly disengaging and then compassionately managing the loneliness and heartache that are always there when someone is unloving.

When you make loving yourself a higher priority than controlling others, then you will be able to give and receive love.

The art of setting boundaries in relationships is tied in with fully accepting your helplessness over others. As long as you believe you can control another person, then you will not accept the truth – that you are powerless over another’s intent to be loving or unloving.

However, you are not at all powerless over whether YOU choose to be loving or unloving to yourself. When your intent is to be loving to yourself, then you will naturally be unavailable for others’ unloving behavior.

The thing that makes this so challenging is that it is very hard for all of us to accept that we have no control over another’s intent and the resulting behavior.

We want so badly to be able to get a person who is unloving to us to open up and be loving to us because we don’t want to feel the pain of their choice.

This is why it is so important for you to learn to compassionately manage your very painful feelings of loneliness, heartbreak, grief, and helplessness over others.

Without knowing that you can manage these feelings, you will either try to control others or not allow yourself to give and receive love. Neither of these choices will lead to joy or a loving relationship.

Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
Appeared On http://www.innerbonding.com

Related: 5 Life Changing Habits That Build Self Esteem

For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) 


Healthy boundaries in relationships do not create distance or lead to power issues. They help us take care of our well-being and safety.


The Art of Setting Boundaries
Art Setting Boundaries Pin
The Art of Setting Boundaries Pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret Paul

CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Dr. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world on the phone and on Skype. She is able to access her own and her client’s spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret Paul, PhD information Anxious, Depressed, Addicted, Empty, Relationship struggles, Inner Bonding – The Power To Heal Yourself! http://www.innerbonding.com

Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment