Not Feeling an Initial Spark? 7 Reasons They Still Could Be The Right Match

not feeling an initial spark

What happens, or rather what do you do when you don’t feel an initial spark on the first date? Do you choose to go on a second date and get to know the other person a bit more or do you prefer to close that door then and there?

Picture this: You get home from a first date and your friends excitedly ask, “How did it go?!” You respond with an unenthusiastic, “It was OK … I didn’t feel much of a spark.” You slink off to bed and wonder if you’ll ever find the right person, or if you’re doomed to keep going on dates that make getting a root canal look exciting.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. 

Feeling an initial spark with someone is thrilling and a sought-after experience for many people. If you don’t have that initial spark with someone, you may feel as if you’re settling if you continue to go on dates with them. Hollywood movies and fairy tales often exacerbate this feeling by emphasizing the butterflies and “I just knew” feelings that are typically associated with having an initial spark. 

For some people, this initial spark may turn into a relationship, but the mistake that many people make is thinking that if there isn’t an initial spark, then this person must not be a good match—when in fact the opposite could be true. 

Most people can relate with experiencing those dates that feel as if you’re pulling teeth and the minutes drag on until it’s over. If your date exhibited red flags, had different core values than you, or was disrespectful, then moving on is a wise choice.

However, if you had a pleasant enough time on the first date but you aren’t feeling that initial spark, going on a few more dates can end up surprising you in ways you never could have imagined. Before you end it with someone you’re not feeling an initial spark with, consider the following seven reasons why they could still be the right match for you.

Related: The #1 Trick To Instantly Spark Chemistry With Someone

Here Are 7 Reasons Someone Might Be A Right Match For You Even If You Don’t Feel An Initial Spark

1. You’re attracted to the same type of partner repeatedly without success.

Recent research has confirmed that many of us have a dating type. If you’re repeatedly dating the same type of partner without success, you may be feeling an initial spark with partners that aren’t a good match and subconsciously reenacting a pattern you experienced with your parents in childhood.

For example, if one or both of your parents were emotionally unavailable, you may find yourself repeatedly feeling an initial spark only with those partners who are emotionally unavailable. This pattern is often repeated until the wound from the past is brought into conscious awareness and healed.

If you feel neutral about someone in the beginning, this could potentially be a sign that they may be a good match for you, so consider getting to know them better.

2. Yes, it’s true—people can grow on you. 

Research has demonstrated that your attraction to others can grow over time. The mere exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon that states the more exposed you are to something you feel neutral about, the more likely you are to have positive feelings about it.

Attraction can and does grow over time, so just because you don’t feel an initial spark with someone now, doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. Have you ever gone out with someone you thought was quite attractive but found that their personality turned you off and they became less attractive? The reverse can be true of someone you’re not initially attracted to. 

3. There is space for a strong foundation to develop without being blinded by the spark.

When you’re very attracted to someone, you are more likely to overlook red flags and signs that you’re incompatible with them. You may also have difficulty being your authentic self in the beginning due to nerves. 

On the other hand, when you’re not feeling an initial spark with someone, this can release some of that pressure and free you up to be your authentic self. As a result, a strong foundation can form between you and your date, which can ultimately lead to a strong relationship in the future. 

Related: 10 Things To Look For On A First Date

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Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D

Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in relationship patterns, perfectionism, and positive psychology. She guides clients through the process of healing by empowering them to tap into their inner wisdom and utilize their strengths to combat their inner critic, boost their mood, and enhance their relationships. Her goal is to help people learn to thrive and live more meaningful lives. She is the author of Mindful Dating, a Psychology Today blog about the psychology of attraction and relationship patterns. More information about her therapy services can be found at Author posts