Most so-called โnice guysโ are manipulative douchebags that act nice to get what they want. They are smart manipulative people who never reveal their true intentions.ย
Letโs end this whole โnice guysโ myth once and for allโฆ
The term โnice guyโ has been thrown around in popular culture a lot lately. A quote-unquote โnice guyโ is actually a first-class manipulator.
(I was going to link to an Urban Dictionary definition of a nice guy here, but I found out that they have over TEN pages of definitions submitted by active/recovering nice guys and it was all a bit too depressing.)
Women donโt have an aversion to truly nice guysโฆ they have an aversion to passive, manipulative liars (just like โ surprise, surprise โ all humans do!).
People respond positively to others that have a strong sense of identity, solid morals, and strong personal boundaries (all things in which โnice guysโ are lacking).
The fact that terms like โnice guyโ and โfriend zoneโ are still being thrown around at all these days speaks to an underlying culture of female-biased sexism, but thatโs a topic for another article.
Nice Guys, Jerks, And Strong-Minded Men
One of the nice guysโ favorite fall back arguments is that โWomen say that they want a nice guy, but what they actually want is a jerk.โ
Oh, my friend, if only it were that simple. Kidding! Itโs even simpler than that.
Women donโt like being lied to. Theyโre also generally a lot more socially intelligent than men. Even if you think youโre being extra sneaky, your intentions have been noted by females before youโve even fully formed your first thought.
- Nice guys = passive, manipulative liars who attempt to trade niceness for intimate relationships/sex. Most men are hopelessly transparent with their intentions with women, but nice guys really take it to the next level.
- Jerks = assertive/aggressive suitors that share more character traits with a strong-minded option than nice guys.
- Strong-Minded Man = an assertive, strong-willed person who is unapologetically forthcoming with his desire. He is ready and willing to take no for an answer without resorting to manipulation or douche-baggery.
Read 5 Hidden Signs, Your Good Guy Is Actually Manipulating You
So reading through the three descriptions, doesnโt it become clear that the nice guy option is a dead last?
If you are a man reading this article, imagine all of those descriptions again but instead describing women.
- a girl that you are not attracted to in the slightest who keeps trying to convince you to like her by being extra-super-duper nice.
- a girl that isnโt necessarily your ideal woman, and is a little rough around the edges, but you feel magnetically sexually attracted to her for some reason (though you probably wouldnโt bring her home to meet your parents).
- a woman with clear morals and boundaries, a voracious sexual appetite and has no problem initiating sex with you but will turn it down when she isnโt feeling it, and doesnโt push you to do things that youโre not comfortable with.
Unless youโve got some intimacy issues, narcissism, or low self-esteem a-brewinโ within the chaos of your mind, you would most likely be attracted to #3, followed by #2, and then by #1 in a distant last place. And guess what? Thatโs what women respond to too. Hooray, weโre all humans and there are no distinguishable differences in our attraction process when it comes to not enjoying being lied to!
Bottom line, you are either attracted to someone or you are not. If you find yourself having a really tough time getting into a relationship, then itโs probably something you should get looked at. Whether itโs an unconscious pattern of driving people away, fearing vulnerability, or just not having your life sorted out, there are many steps you can take to become more attractive as a partner to your gender of choice.
Onto the good stuffโฆ
If your inner child (nice guy) still rears its ugly head on occasion (everyoneโs does in certain situations), here are five things you can do to make sure that youโre not being a manipulator in your intimate relationships.
1. Sexual Manipulation
According to society, if a woman wants to have sex with someone, she can be labeled a slut. If she doesnโt want to have sex with someone, she can be called a prude or a bitch (often by โnice guysโ). In either situation, cultural conditioning is attempting to control womenโs sexuality.
Blaming her for not wanting to sleep with you (at any stage of the relationship) is manipulative. If she doesnโt like you and you arenโt a couple, have some self-respect and move on.
2. Holding Back From Expressing Your Desires
Doing nice things for her and then getting frustrated when you donโt get what you felt entitled to (affection, intimacy, sex, etc.) is calculated and deceiving. Donโt.
If you want something, have the courage to ask for it. Otherwise, you might not be mature enough to deserve it yet.
Read Sexual Intimacy: Mastering The Art of Subtle Seductionย ย
3. Being Unable To Hear No
One side of the mature boundary setting is being able to express your desires and have opinions about things. The other side is being able to hear no from others. Being whiny when she says no to you (for affection, intimacy, sex, etc.) is a child-like behaviour.
If you hear no, it means no. Just like jealousy has the opposite effect in a relationship than the partner intends it to have, the same process occurs with trying to convince someone away from their preferences.
4. Pre-Loading
Have you ever done things for her to use as ammunition later on?
In other words, you knew you wanted sex on a certain night and so you did a ton of nice things for her all week to (in your mind) guaranteed sex on the night that you wanted it to happen.
While thereโs nothing wrong with doing romantic things for your partner, if your intention is a manipulative one, she will pick up on it. I donโt say this hyperbolically- your intentions will clearly show themselves in your actions. The expectant energy in your eye contactโฆ the overly eager angle of your stance as you stand next to herโฆ I could go on. Trust me, sheโll feel it. So donโt do it.
5. Being Avoidant Of Confrontation
Manipulative people avoid telling others when they disagree with them. They do this to keep things as kosher as possible on a surface level. They go to great lengths to avoid rocking the boat.
If thereโs nothing that theyโve ever seemingly done wrong, they can never be โcalledโ on anything. They always need to be in the right.
If you disagree with your partner, let her know. Women are not attracted to a man who lets his values or personal needs slide in order to take care of her. Occasionally, sure. But as a way of being? Yuck. How can she trust you if you donโt respect yourself and your own needs?
Read 15 Red Flags Of Manipulative People
The Process Of Becoming Comfortable With Mature Masculinity
Although I do agree with a certain amount of paternalism in relationships, nice guys are not the best judges of other peopleโs needs (because they donโt fully understand or acknowledge their own).
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
Written byย Jordan Gray
Originally appeared inย Jordan GrayConsulting
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