Letter From a Narcissist’s “True Self”

 May 14, 2017

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Letter From a Narcissist’s “True Self”






You can never get through to my true self because the lies I tell are nearly impenetrable. I have lied so often and for so long that I myself have come to believe my own lies. I am a walking lie. That is the truth.

I will never let you get close to what I really feel. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. Most of the time I feel nothing because a lie has no feelings. But try to destroy my protective armor, and I will try to destroy you. If I must go down in flames, I am going to take you with me. I will rage and abuse you. I will gaslight you and tell you the most horrific lies about yourself.

I may seem nice at first or when I feel like the supply you give me is threatened or you may leave. I know how to get others to trust me–by acting like a nice person. I am good at acting like a nice person but I can’t feel a nice person’s emotions. It’s hard work to act nice because that’s a lie too.

When you begin to trust me, I will start abusing you, because I must keep you at arm’s length and keep my mask of lies intact at all costs. Both the niceness I show you and the asshole I become are both lies. I cannot even access who I really am. I have forgotten. I just know that my true self is there, somewhere, and I can never, ever, let you meet them.

If you mirror back to me too much of the truth about me–if I become aware that you KNOW this mask I always wear is a fake–I will attempt to destroy you or cut you out of my life. I cannot afford to have the truth about myself revealed to me. Nothing terrifies me more than facing the truth about myself so I have dissociated myself from it. It scares me so much to realize how evil I have become. It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake self because of what was done to me. I hate being evil. I really don’t want to be this way but I will never, ever admit that. I cannot ever show you or anyone in the world how weak and vulnerable I really am. But deep inside, I know I am.

I am still an infant. I never grew up. My emotional and moral development was arrested when I was just a very young child, so I only have the emotional maturity of a child that age. That’s why I can’t care about you. It’s why I must always have my way. Can a two or three-year-old care about YOUR feelings? Of course, they can’t, and like a toddler, I can’t either. I am like a mentally challenged person, only my retardation isn’t mental, it’s emotional and moral. I’m emotionally retarded.

It’s hard work keeping up my false self. I am paranoid and defensive all the time that I will be discovered and exposed. It’s enormously stressful to be a narcissist. It’s stressful and often painful, and I know I have sacrificed the ability to ever feel real happiness in order to never be hurt again.




24 comments on “Letter From a Narcissist’s “True Self”

  1. TY for this heart felt letter. It is spot on.i I am the mom of a now adult N/S. I separated myself from her as I’d want to clear the air, she and I had not seen each other for 6 months. Her husband, 5 children and her, had moved from the house he owned across the street from me. They moved around 45 mins away closer to David’s work. The 5 children are my daughter Emily’s, from her 1st marriage. When I spoke to her on the phone to find out if she cared enough about me to talk about things, she said ” I’m at (child) ball game fuck off” .it’s been 2 years since I’ve seen her or my grandchildren. Her husband divorced her 1 a 1/2 years ago, he has the kids, by their choice and they use his last name and he’s working to adopt them, ages 10-18. He has 2 grown kids. Thank God he has them. But of course she has indoctrinated David and the children with her lthries about me and her adult brother. Theywon’t contact us even tho they all knew us extremely well obviously, even David who was my neighbor for 13 years. She is now engaged to someone, she is pregnant with someone baby. About 2-3 months ago she contacted for the first time in 2 years. It was in the msg part of my phone. It could be almost WORD FOR WORD your letter. Then 2 days ago she somehow robbed me and stole her way on to my public FB page. On her profile page she posted around 25 , 2-3 sentence, large lettered posts totally destroying me, her toxic mom with every filthy word for a woman one might think of, lying about things happened with her growing up about me like marijuana (I told them I did it occasionally, never around them, I’m an adult and I dont lie, not even to my children), course in her post i was a pot head for Gods sake, lies bout borrowing $ from EVERBODY. My boyfriend loaned me some one time. I raised 2 kids from ages 2 and 5 single mom. At any rate I’ve blocked her from my FB page so I won’t feel pain, get my feelers hurt, but most of all miss the child I did see occasionally who loved me even if it was fake. TY now I do know it is real. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for 3 months now and will continue to do so. She’s doing the same to he brother and of course her children, funny tho, she mentioned she’s trying very, very hard not to hurt David. She believes he’s the only man who ever truly loved her. He basically couldn’t live with her craziness and lack of ability to clean a house after messing it up, or kitchen for same reason, leaving it for kids or him while she did crafts. She also didn’t cook dinner. I was not THAT model. They would argue, naturally she was unable to change. She just went along with the divorce, understood everything and tried hard not to hurt him.
    THE END TY

  2. Thank you for this letter, I now know that I was partially correct about the reason why my husband became a narssacist. I know he has no pain tolerance at all (physically or emotionally) and being an empath myself, I felt his pain hence the reason why he choose to marry me coz I feel all his pain for him and additionally enduring the pain that he inflicts on me. I accepted him and fell in love with him coz I saw the child that he tried so hard to protect and locked away from the world. The reason why I chose him coz I wanted to help the little boy but then not knowing that I was being lured deeper and deeper to his cave willingly and by the time, I realize that the cave has caved in and i am stuck in here was too late. I am in
    perpectual darkness, all these years of thinking that I was getting I am getting him to improve but only to receive more relentless abuse. I see it in his eyes sometimes the slight glance that he know what he was, doing to me is wrong but just a blink, all I can see is his hateful and angry stares accompanied by waves of insults, name calling and belittling. I know i should leave but if I leave, there will just be another person that will take my place and to go through what I have been through with him have no words to describe it. I know what lies ahead and what battles that I will face but after reading this letter, somehow gave me hope and bravery to stay and keep fighting. I refuse to lose him over to dark, we are human beings we are not build for being in the dark. So as you said that only God’s good grace can save you, then I know i will be OK coz when my ally is God, I know I have a chance to bring back this kid to light.

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