How To Stand Up for Yourself Without Rocking The Boat

Stand Up for Yourself 2

Resolving conflicts in a healthy manner is always the best route to take, but what about when you want to stand up for yourself, but find it intimidating? When you are a conflict-avoidant person, it is can be scary to stand up for yourself, without making a scene.

Many people strive for harmony in relationships. Setting aside personal feelings to avoid discord may be a habit. Yet,ย withholding emotionsย for an extended period of timeย takes a toll. At some point, it is necessary to voice discontent. Doing so in a way that sparks a fruitful exchange helps.

Unfortunately, it is sometimes easier to swallow personal feelings than confront a person who is robustly defensive and extremely reactionary. Yet, it is necessary. A person may repress and suppress their own needs, feelings, and perspectives, but eventually, an implosion feels inevitable.

Despite different approaches to confrontation, there are some personality types who may not receive it constructively. Yet, the individuals who have a moreย malleable defensive structure, a structure that allows them to be self-aware andย self-reflective, may respond to a confrontation in a manner that allows both parties to grow in both personal awareness andย conscientiousness. ย 

Stand up for yourself

The theory behind the approach is simple. Disarm the other personโ€™sย defense mechanismsย by launching the confrontation with a positive sentiment. Next,ย state how you feel. Then, talk about the issue. For example, โ€œJane, I really like working with you. You make my day fun.ย I was surprisedย and hurt when you presented my idea for the project without me.โ€

As opposed to, โ€œJane, you take advantage of me. You only care about yourself.โ€

The first example is respectful and conveys a desire to preserve the relationship and resolve the conflict without drama. Jane has an opportunity to explain or own her behavior, make things right, and salvage theย friendship.

The second confrontation is abrasive and seems like an attempt to label Jane as a bad person and call off the friendship. Jane is more likely to be hurt, defensive, and attack back without reflecting on her own behavior.

Related: Resolving Conflicts: The ABCs of Escalating Conflict and 7 Tips To Prevent Them

Additional examples of this approach include:

  • โ€œRay, I like working for you. You are a really good boss.ย I get frustrated when projects get canceled and I am not notified.โ€
  • โ€œMom, the dinner was amazing. Thank you. I was worried when you snapped at Ben. Are you okay?โ€
  • โ€œSally, I love playing on your rec soccer team. I was so disappointed when I realized Iโ€™m not on the roster next season.โ€

The person who is confronted has an opportunity to explain his or her perspective, clarify a miscommunication, or own a misstep. Initially, it is common for an individual to be defensive, but the ability to calm down and authentically take responsibility for themself, convey a sincere understanding of how he or she impacted another, and attempt to repair the situation may be a solidย sign of emotional intelligence.

Alternatively, if the person is extremely defensive, they may attempt to deflect accountability, distort the facts, and project blame onto the person who is confronting them. In this case, it may be helpful to refrain from adding fuel to the fire by engaging in a battle of differing realities. Finding a way to politely end the exchange may be necessary. โ€œThis discussion doesnโ€™t seem productive. Letโ€™s table it for another day.โ€

Unfortunately, thisย personality typeย may be unable to manage a confrontation. They may appear shocked, enraged, and unconsciously distort the data in order to point the finger back at the other person. Confronting this type of person seems to start an endless drama with no productive resolution.

In this case, it may be easier to diplomatically insert distance into the relationship. A person who is incapable of resolving conflict productively may have deeper issues that prevent them from being secure enough to own a mistake in a relationship. Without the ability to resolve conflict productively, resentment and distrust proliferate.

Hold on to the individuals who can honor another personโ€™s feelings, demonstrate accountability, and attempt to repair wrongdoing. It is tough for a person to hear that they did something to hurt a loved one. However, it is a critical moment in a relationship and maybe a litmus test of a personโ€™s emotional health.

In addition, a person who can own their mistakes in a relationship is often easy to spend time with. Minor ruptures are easily repaired and both people move forward with a greater understanding of each other. Closeness, trust, and respect are maintained. ย 

A person may be conflict-avoidant because of past experiences with an individual who wasnโ€™t secure enough to handle confrontation productively. The nightmarish fights which followed a minor and diplomatic confrontation or question may have been painful and dramatic.

It is also probable that a person may have been raised by a parent who had trouble with confrontation, accountability, and self-awareness. Thus, duringย childhood, the person learned to stifle feelings and discontent within the parent-child relationship because verbalizing feelings that differed from the parent made life worse for the child.

Related: The 3 Roles We Play During a Conflict & Ways To Escape The Drama Triangle

Oftenย the attachment relationshipย with a parent dictates how safe the person feels disclosing discontent in a current relationship. This may be an important aspect of the personโ€™sย working model of attachment. An awareness of the tendency to suppress feelings in order to preserve a relationship may eventually help a person find his or her voice. ย ย 

Feeling safe enough to identify a negative feeling state in a relationship is important. Having a partner or friend who is secure enough to honor the feeling and own their part in the conflict makes this possible. Insight into how a parent dealt with a personโ€™s different feelings within the parent-child dyad is critical information that may inform a person about his or her avoidance of conflict.

Finally, an awareness that some people may not handle the confrontation productively often leads to insight about that personโ€™sย emotional intelligence, and thus the need to resurrect a healthy boundary.

References:

https://parentandteen.com/i-statement/
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message
https://counsellingbuckinghamshire.co.uk/internal-working-model/


Written By Erin Leonard
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

When you are trying to stand up for yourself, keep in mind that you are not doing anything wrong; you are simply taking back your power and letting the other person know that what they are doing is not right. The need to stand up for yourself is equally important as the other personโ€™s need to express their opinions. If they are right, itโ€™s okay, but if they are not, itโ€™s better to call them out on it.

If you want to know more about how you can stand up for yourself, then check this video out below:


Stand Up Yourself Without Rocking Boat Pin
Stand Up for Yourself Pin

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Philosophy as Self-Supervision: Reflecting on Psychological Practice

Philosophy As Self Supervision Important Key Points

How often do you pause and reflect on your own practice? Self supervision isnโ€™t just a tool, itโ€™s a philosophical approach for insight and growth. So let’s explore more!

How philosophical inquiry enhances self-awareness, reflection, and growth.

Key points

Philosophical reflection can be a tool for self-supervision.

Wonder and uncertainty can shape professional growth.

Philosophical inquiry can be integrated into everyday practice.

Up Next

Metacognition: The Key to Better Decision-Making

Metacognition: 3 Keys To Better Decision-Making

Have you ever wondered how you think? Metacognition helps you analyze your thoughts, improving decision-making. Let’s learn more about it!

Navigating above our ordinary thinking by using our rational thinking.

Key points

Metacognition is our thinking about our thinking.

It can help us make better decisions and navigate more easily through life.

Metacognition is the conscious process of being self-aware of the way in which we are thinking.

Up Next

Are You Making The Same Mistake Over And Over? Hereโ€™s How To Finally Stop!

Are You Making The Same Mistake Twice? Ways To Stop!

Weโ€™ve all been there. You swear you wonโ€™t do that again, whether itโ€™s sending a risky text, trusting the wrong person, overspending, or missing a deadline. And then, boom. You end up making the same mistake twice. 

The cycle repeats, frustration builds, and you wonder if youโ€™ll ever learn. But guess what? You can break free from the loop.

Habits, unconscious tendencies, and emotional biases cause us often to make the same mistakes. Even if seeking familiarity has unfavorable effects, our brains are programmed to do so.

We remain trapped in repetitive cycles due to a lack of self-awareness, a fear of change, and a failure to properly learn from prior experiences. Rather than addressing the underlying reasons of mistakes,

Up Next

How Many Aura Points Did You Just Lose? 5 Behaviors That Are Killing Your Vibe

How Many Aura Points Did You Just Lose? Behaviors That Are Killing Your Vibe

If youโ€™ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you absolutely won that interaction, congratulations, you just earned some aura points! But if youโ€™ve ever cringed at something you did and wished you could take it back, yeahโ€ฆ thatโ€™s a big deduction.

Let’s explore the philosophy behind this new Tik Tok trend!

What Are Aura Points?

Aura points are TikTokโ€™s new way of measuring how much rizz (aka charisma) you have, and itโ€™s not just about being smooth with your words. It’s less about being cool and more about being “aura”. Itโ€™s about self-respect, confidence, and knowing when to walk away from situations that donโ€™t serve you.

Up Next

Mindfulness And The Spirit of Buddhist Meditation

Mindfulness And The Spirit of Buddhist Meditation

Ever felt overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions? What if you could train your mind to stay present, calm, and balanced? Learn more about Buddhist meditation below!

How mindfulness can help cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation.

In recent years, mindfulness meditation, rooted in Buddhist traditions, has gained widespread interest in psychology and beyond. Amid a performance-driven culture, where achievement often outweighs presence, mindfulness offers a collective yearning for balance.

Up Next

The Psychology of Emotional Shopping

Psychology of Emotional Shopping: Important Ways To Tackle

You often buy things to lift your mood, but have you ever wondered why? Emotional shopping is more psychological than practical. So let’s learn more about it!

How to tackle a tendency toward emotional shopping.

In a globalized market, we are daily faced with a great variety of products and services that are meticulously planned and proficiently marketed to us, having an emotional influence on our brain centres and activating a desire to acquire them.

All of us want to experience the thrill of intense positive emotions that will raise the generation of our happy hormones which will eventually ensure the experience of such positive emotions as excitement, happiness, joy, glee, delight, hilarity, or amusement.

Up Next

Mel Robbinsโ€™ Viral โ€˜Let Them Theoryโ€™: Can It Really Transform Your Life?

Mel Robbinsโ€™ Viral โ€˜Let Them Theoryโ€™: Can It Really Transform Your Life?

The Let Them theory psychology is a simple yet powerful self help mantra made popular by Mel Robbins; a reminder that you canโ€™t control other peopleโ€™s actions, only your own reactions.

Is there anything more frustrating than other people? You try to control situations, influence decisions, and shape outcomes, but people keep doing whatever they want. Itโ€™s exhausting, isnโ€™t it?

You find yourself overanalyzing why someone didnโ€™t text back, why a coworker got a promotion instead of you, or why your friend refuses to leave that toxic relationship. You waste time, energy, and peace of mind obsessing over things that, frankly, arenโ€™t yours to control.

Instead of over analyzing, stressing, or trying to change things beyond your control, you simply let it be.