I got an email from a lady in Wisconsin that just broke my heart detailing all the things her husband has done to this young woman and would you believe after detailing the terrible things he has done she asked the question…AM I ABUSED? He fits the profile of a Malignant Narcissist to a tee and makes her feel like she is the problem and that there is something wrong with her thinking. To her I have this to say and to everyone living with an Abusive Narcissist:
If you truly value your sanity you will have to understand that the Narcissist is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE! You will never have any real value except as “feeding ground” for his voracious appetite of self! Everything must revolve around this self-styled god. Separate yourself from his kingdom of self if you want any identity of your own.
I have talked about the ABUSER until I am blue in the face it seems, but it really is hard to get the ABUSED to understand why their ABUSER does the things they do and that ABUSED ARE NOT CRAZY! YOU HONESTLY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM AN ABUSER ESPECIALLY A NARCISSIST!
Dr. Sam Vaknim, in his books details, that the narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) – that he would rather “control”, “master”, or “direct” the potentially destabilizing situation – than confront its effects if initiated by the significant other.
Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization mentally even though they may be functionally organized and organize everything in your life to suit them. It is precariously balanced but as long as they can dominate they don’t have to worry about organizing the level of personal involvement. They are free to do their own thing.
Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment if HE directed the scenes if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve – he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences.
The Dynamics of the Relationship
The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the “Grandiosity Gap” – the abyss between his sense of entitlement and his inflated grandiose fantasies – and his incommensurate reality and achievements.
The narcissist’s partner is perceived by him to be a source of narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that – blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist – such a tool would malfunction.
The needs of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining to his partner. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or in catering to the well being of his “suppliers”.
To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame – he pathologizes the partner. He projects sickness unto her.