Going no contact with a narcissist is probably one of the best things you can do. However, going no contact can sometimes prove to be more challenging than it seems.
Youโve done all the right things. Youโve broken up with your Narcissist, youโve gone no contact and youโve done your very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at you to try and elicit some type of response.
Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through sharing, or information gathering, you have given your narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional triggers, what your greatest fears are, and your most painful hurts.
Your Narcissist knows you. Theyโve been doing reconnaissance since the day you met. You may have thought you were getting to know each other through the exchange of information, but really what was going on was that your narcissist was engaging in something much more sinister.
They were looking for a way in and the best way to control you. Whether this is conscious behavior or subconscious behavior, a narcissist knows just what information is important enough to be remembered and stored for future use.
So when youโve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz off, donโt be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold on.
Related: Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head
The Spaghetti Test
When a Narcissist is hell-bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and you will see everything youโve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to weaken your defenses.
Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with all the madness and then out of nowhere a text message comes in. Youโre determined not to open it, but you see itโs a picture. You cave and open it up. Itโs a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date.
You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you feel one tiny heartstring being pulled. You donโt respond, but your mind starts to travel in that direction. Your phone buzzes again, itโs another text:
โDo you remember our first date? It was here.ย I miss you. We need to talk.โ
You are determined not to respond because this isnโt the first time youโve been here and you know how hard it is to get yourself back to this place, where youโre fed up enough to actually take action to end it, but you feel it, there it is, another heartstring pulled.
Your Narcissist has determined that this was a failed attempt, since you didnโt respond, so they decide they have to up their game. They donโt want to seem too eager, because that would reek of desperation, so they wait a day, maybe two, hoping that the seeds theyโve just planted might take root.
Theyโve tried sentimentality โ that didnโt work, so now theyโll try the connection tactic and your phone goes off again.
โIโve never felt like this before. I canโt breathe without you. Iโve never felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have isย special and I donโt understand how you can walk away from us.โ
At this point, youโre upset that they are making you feel things and that they just wonโt go away. A part of you is a little happy that they arenโt giving up without a fight and that the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but youโve made up your mind, youโre done and you want these messages to stop, so you tell yourself itโs ok to reply. You justify breaking no contact because you arenโt giving in, youโre telling him to stop.
Related: No Contact Vs Silent Treatment: Whatโs The Difference?
โAlex, we are over. Please stop contacting me. We both need to move on.โ
At this point, your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted โ contact. It doesnโt matter that the contact was negative โ they got you to respond, which was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more.
โAngela, weโre not done. You said youโd always be there for me. Was that a lie? You said that youโd always love me โ were you lying then too? I need you and Iโm not giving upon us.โ
Youโve wanted to hear and feel that this man really loves you throughout your entire relationship and here it is. Youโre thrilled that he wants you back and the fact that heโs not giving up must really mean he loves you โ right?
Wrong. The problem now is youโre starting to soften a bit and you justify responding again becauseย you need to respond to these allegations. The nerve of him, after everything heโs done.
โNo, I wasnโt lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with? Youโre flirting with other women, you ignore me and treat me like shit. Youโre never there for me when I need you and I always feel like Iโm being used.โ
This is better than he had hoped, now heโs got you engaging in a full-fledged conversation. Albeit itโs via text message, but youโre still engaging with him. Now itโs just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion into your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it all your fault so that you start to doubt your decision and what actually happened.
โI wasnโt flirting with other women. That was Crystal. Iโve known her since I was 8, sheโs like a sister to me and she was having trouble with her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when they need my help? Iโve been really busy lately and going through some stuff.
Iโm sorry I havenโt been there for you, but my issue is almost over and then we can spend all the time together you want. We can go on a trip, anywhere youโd like. Letโs go out to dinner and talk about it.โ
If nostalgia doesnโt work, theyโll try guilt, if guilt doesnโt work theyโll try pity, if pity doesnโt work theyโll try jealousyโฆand on and on it goes until they find some hook that gets your attention.
The thing to remember is that when we go no contact itโs for a very good reason. Itโs because we realize that we are being abused and manipulatedย and we need to extricate ourselvesย from the insanity.
Related: What Is Hoovering? How Does a Narcissist Reel You Back In?
One always has to keep in mind that when a narcissist promises change, they will change, for a while, just long enough until theyโve determined theyโve sucked you back in. Then itโs back to the same ole, same ole. They arenโt interested in your feelings. Theyโre only interested in what theyโre feeling.
Everything that is being said to you while youโre attempting no contact is smoke and mirrors. None of it is sincere. This is a game and your Narcissist is only interested in winning. So donโt fall for it.
Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, they canโt fully comprehend how their behavior has made you feel. When there is no comprehension of cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. To them, your no contact is just a hoop they have to temporarily jump through, just long enough for them to get you under control again.
Donโt make the mistake of thinking that now things will be on your terms because any change in their behavior would be short-lived.
When a Narcissist is pursuing you like this, do not misinterpret this as flattery, or an indication of the depth of their emotions for you. What it really is, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your wishes and yourย boundaries. If you tell someone no and they continue, thatโs incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs โ not yours.
Iโve discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If a Narcissist pulls the lever and gets what he wants all the time, heโll pull it whenever he has a desire to.
If he pulls it and only gets rewarded some of the time, heโs going to keep pulling a lot longer, because he knows it pays off sometimes, so he tells himself heโs just got to be persistent. When he pulls the lever and never gets rewarded, he will learn quickly that pulling the lever gets him nowhere, so heโll just stop.
Related: How To No Contact Narcissist: 10 Rules
That is the place where you want to get your Narcissist after going no contact. Thatโs why even occasionally replying makes them persist. Youโre teaching them that no doesnโt mean no, it means try harder. Give them nothing every time,ย then and only then, will they stop and go away for good.
Want to know more about going no contact with narcissist ex? Check this video out below!
Written by Savannah Grey Originally appeared on Esteemology Printed with permission
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