Going No Contact With A Narcissist And The Spaghetti Test

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Going no contact with a narcissist is probably one of the best things you can do. However, going no contact can sometimes prove to be more challenging than it seems.

Youโ€™ve done all the right things. Youโ€™ve broken up with your Narcissist, youโ€™ve gone no contact and youโ€™ve done your very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at you to try and elicit some type of response.

Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through sharing, or information gathering, you have given your narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional triggers, what your greatest fears are, and your most painful hurts.

Your Narcissist knows you. Theyโ€™ve been doing reconnaissance since the day you met. You may have thought you were getting to know each other through the exchange of information, but really what was going on was that your narcissist was engaging in something much more sinister.

They were looking for a way in and the best way to control you. Whether this is conscious behavior or subconscious behavior, a narcissist knows just what information is important enough to be remembered and stored for future use.

So when youโ€™ve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz off, donโ€™t be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold on.

Related: Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

The Spaghetti Test

When a Narcissist is hell-bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and you will see everything youโ€™ve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to weaken your defenses.

Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with all the madness and then out of nowhere a text message comes in. Youโ€™re determined not to open it, but you see itโ€™s a picture. You cave and open it up. Itโ€™s a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date.

You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you feel one tiny heartstring being pulled. You donโ€™t respond, but your mind starts to travel in that direction. Your phone buzzes again, itโ€™s another text:

โ€œDo you remember our first date? It was here.ย I miss you. We need to talk.โ€

You are determined not to respond because this isnโ€™t the first time youโ€™ve been here and you know how hard it is to get yourself back to this place, where youโ€™re fed up enough to actually take action to end it, but you feel it, there it is, another heartstring pulled.

going no contact

Your Narcissist has determined that this was a failed attempt, since you didnโ€™t respond, so they decide they have to up their game. They donโ€™t want to seem too eager, because that would reek of desperation, so they wait a day, maybe two, hoping that the seeds theyโ€™ve just planted might take root.

Theyโ€™ve tried sentimentality โ€“ that didnโ€™t work, so now theyโ€™ll try the connection tactic and your phone goes off again.

โ€œIโ€™ve never felt like this before. I canโ€™t breathe without you. Iโ€™ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have isย special and I donโ€™t understand how you can walk away from us.โ€

At this point, youโ€™re upset that they are making you feel things and that they just wonโ€™t go away. A part of you is a little happy that they arenโ€™t giving up without a fight and that the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but youโ€™ve made up your mind, youโ€™re done and you want these messages to stop, so you tell yourself itโ€™s ok to reply. You justify breaking no contact because you arenโ€™t giving in, youโ€™re telling him to stop.

Related: No Contact Vs Silent Treatment: Whatโ€™s The Difference?

โ€œAlex, we are over. Please stop contacting me. We both need to move on.โ€

At this point, your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted โ€“ contact. It doesnโ€™t matter that the contact was negative โ€“ they got you to respond, which was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more.

โ€œAngela, weโ€™re not done. You said youโ€™d always be there for me. Was that a lie? You said that youโ€™d always love me โ€“ were you lying then too? I need you and Iโ€™m not giving upon us.โ€

Youโ€™ve wanted to hear and feel that this man really loves you throughout your entire relationship and here it is. Youโ€™re thrilled that he wants you back and the fact that heโ€™s not giving up must really mean he loves you โ€“ right?

Wrong. The problem now is youโ€™re starting to soften a bit and you justify responding again becauseย you need to respond to these allegations. The nerve of him, after everything heโ€™s done.

โ€œNo, I wasnโ€™t lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with? Youโ€™re flirting with other women, you ignore me and treat me like shit. Youโ€™re never there for me when I need you and I always feel like Iโ€™m being used.โ€

This is better than he had hoped, now heโ€™s got you engaging in a full-fledged conversation. Albeit itโ€™s via text message, but youโ€™re still engaging with him. Now itโ€™s just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion into your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it all your fault so that you start to doubt your decision and what actually happened.

โ€œI wasnโ€™t flirting with other women. That was Crystal. Iโ€™ve known her since I was 8, sheโ€™s like a sister to me and she was having trouble with her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when they need my help? Iโ€™ve been really busy lately and going through some stuff.

Iโ€™m sorry I havenโ€™t been there for you, but my issue is almost over and then we can spend all the time together you want. We can go on a trip, anywhere youโ€™d like. Letโ€™s go out to dinner and talk about it.โ€

If nostalgia doesnโ€™t work, theyโ€™ll try guilt, if guilt doesnโ€™t work theyโ€™ll try pity, if pity doesnโ€™t work theyโ€™ll try jealousyโ€ฆand on and on it goes until they find some hook that gets your attention.

The thing to remember is that when we go no contact itโ€™s for a very good reason. Itโ€™s because we realize that we are being abused and manipulatedย and we need to extricate ourselvesย from the insanity.

Related: What Is Hoovering? How Does a Narcissist Reel You Back In?

One always has to keep in mind that when a narcissist promises change, they will change, for a while, just long enough until theyโ€™ve determined theyโ€™ve sucked you back in. Then itโ€™s back to the same ole, same ole. They arenโ€™t interested in your feelings. Theyโ€™re only interested in what theyโ€™re feeling.

Everything that is being said to you while youโ€™re attempting no contact is smoke and mirrors. None of it is sincere. This is a game and your Narcissist is only interested in winning. So donโ€™t fall for it.

Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, they canโ€™t fully comprehend how their behavior has made you feel. When there is no comprehension of cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. To them, your no contact is just a hoop they have to temporarily jump through, just long enough for them to get you under control again.

going no contact

Donโ€™t make the mistake of thinking that now things will be on your terms because any change in their behavior would be short-lived.

When a Narcissist is pursuing you like this, do not misinterpret this as flattery, or an indication of the depth of their emotions for you. What it really is, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your wishes and yourย boundaries. If you tell someone no and they continue, thatโ€™s incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs โ€“ not yours.

Iโ€™ve discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If a Narcissist pulls the lever and gets what he wants all the time, heโ€™ll pull it whenever he has a desire to.

If he pulls it and only gets rewarded some of the time, heโ€™s going to keep pulling a lot longer, because he knows it pays off sometimes, so he tells himself heโ€™s just got to be persistent. When he pulls the lever and never gets rewarded, he will learn quickly that pulling the lever gets him nowhere, so heโ€™ll just stop.

Related: How To No Contact Narcissist: 10 Rules

That is the place where you want to get your Narcissist after going no contact. Thatโ€™s why even occasionally replying makes them persist. Youโ€™re teaching them that no doesnโ€™t mean no, it means try harder. Give them nothing every time,ย then and only then, will they stop and go away for good.

Want to know more about going no contact with narcissist ex? Check this video out below!


Written by Savannah Grey
Originally appeared on Esteemology 
Printed with permission
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Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Test
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Going No Contact With Narcissist Spaghetti Test

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